Sister was adopted, how do I deal with it?

LegacyUser

Ok, so i've had the craziest month of my life. I recently found out that I have a sister that my parents put up for adoption a long time ago and she's more than likely going to be showing up on the scene in the next few months. It's a huge shock and all that but i've kinda gotten past the initial shock and am now thinking about how i go about meeting her, I have no problem with any of it (which my parents thought I might) and am actually dying to meet her. A lot of other crazy thing have happen recently which distracted me from this, ironically one of them is that one of my childhood friends just told me he has a half-sister he never new about, what are the chances?!! So lots of stuff to deal with.

Anyway, I know it's a long shot but does anyone have experience in this scenario? Any advice from anyone is appreciated.

Overheal

No, and I cant even think of a movie that tries to

Just go with the flow, what else can you do?

May I ask, why was she put up, and you were kept? Is there a big age gap between the two of you? I'm assuming she's older.

Also, this might be a little off-base, but its something you might want to be aware of: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sibling#Westermarck_effect_and_its_opposite you dont mention whether your male or female so I thought to just mention that. That could end up in, or explain, some awkward situations in your near future.

AnonoBoy

I don't have any direct experience of it but have a friend who found out that he has an older brother when he was well into his 20's. The usual scenario - given up for adoption in the seventies as his Ma wasn't married. He said it was weirder for his Ma meeting the guy than for him. They got on fairly well almost instantly despite being brought up on different sides of the world.

Good luck with it.

Spud83

There is an adoption forum on here where you might find people with similar experiences however I am not sure if the allow anonymous posting.

Secondly I am glad you are so open to the idea of meeting your sister and the fact your friend is going through a similar experience will be very valuable to you.

I would also look on it as a good sign that your sister wants to meet you and your parents.

They only way to approach it is to take your time and go with the flow. Don't expect to be best friends or "sisters" straight away. Remember that she is going through a lot at the same time. You are meeting a sister. She is meeting a father, mother, yourself and any other siblings. Just try build a friendship first and take it from there.

The_Conductor

While its impossible to say what is going through another person's mind- its entirely possible that that your sister may be terrified at the thought of meeting your mum, your dad and you (very possibly in that order).

When most adopted people go to search for their birthparents- normally its their birthmum they are seeking initially, along with possible information about their birthfather and any siblings they might have. Don't be angry or surprised if you find that she wants to meet with your Mum first- its highly probable that she might be overwhelmed by finding out that not only has she found her Mum- but her Dad and other siblings too.......

Its also possible that your sister may be angry towards your parents- there are always going to be 'what if' questions running through her mind. It might seem very unfair that she was given up for adoption- while circumstances which might not have been massively different meant you got to stay with your parents.

Things were very very different in the 1970s- it was only in 1974 that legislation was brought in which enabled an unmarried mother to claim children's allowance for the first time- and you can be certain that a single mother would never have been allowed to hold down a job (in many cases women were forced to give up their jobs immediately on getting married- this was only repealed in the early 80's in the public sector (which included teaching etc).

Obviously your parents were not married at the time they had your sister (as the children of a married couple are specifically precluded from being adopted under the 1954 Adoption Act), its very possible that your sister knows this- and she may find the knowledge that her birthparents subsequently married as hard to take- to be honest its impossible to call.

I would mirror what has been said above- you have no idea what the situation or circumstances of your sister's upbringing were- she is going to be totally mind blown by finding her birthfamily- take things slowly with her, don't expect to suddenly get a big sister overnight- try to be friends with her- she needs a friend badly at the moment- its an amazing time for her and no doubt all your family- but its very easy to be scared, really badly scared, a good friend is a very very good start.......

Best wishes to you all,

S.

Ostrom

Hi OP,

In the same (ish) situation as you right now, I met my birth mother almost a year ago now, and am about to meet my extended sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles.

I cant advise you specifically on your own circumstances, everyones experience is different, my only advice would be to have no expectations of outcome. My own meeting, the circumstances around it and the people in both our lives (mine and my birth mothers) were overwhelmingly positive, and yet it has been extremely (and necesserily) slow for both of us.

It has taken almost a year for us to come to terms with (I am still in partial shock every time we meet), and it will take even longer to introduce me to the rest of the family, as most of them are of a particularly sensitive age.

Remember that however anxious or expectant you are about meeting, she will be even more so. She is about to enter an established family with you as part, of which she knows absolutely nothing, and everyone on all sides will need time and space to adjust.

I wish you all the best, and please check in on the adoption board as you go!

PM with anything if you want, or respond here

Ass

It could be terrible. Imagine you had sex with her before you knew she was your long lost sister. That probably wont be the case, but there is always that possibility.

b3t4

My aunt and uncle in law adopted out two of their children as they were not married when the children were born.

A few years ago both of them came looking for the family. Unfortunately, their mum had died from breast cancer a number of years previous. They've been welcomed into the family whole heartedly. One of the children found it hard to bond and has little to do with the family now. The other child is very much involved.

Take things slow. I hope it works out for you My cousins are doing great.

A.

Annie Bananie

Similar situation anyways..

When I was 16 me and my brother found out that we had a half sister. She was 2 years older then me. It was my Dad's daughter, which he only met once when she was 3 months old. The mother to my half sister had a new man already and he took the position of her father. So they never told her that he wasnt her real father and my Dad never told us we had a sister. But now when she was of age she somehow found out that her "Dad" was not her real Dad. So she simply called our house after she put pressure on her Mum.

Was a bit of a shock, but neither me or my brother was mad or very upset, just very surprised. (My Mum knew of this as well beforehand). And 2 months later she came and visit. She was nice and I met her about 5 times in my life in total (Im 32 now), but I never referred to her as my sister of felt any family connection with her. Think its because I didnt grow up with her.

Unfortunately she passed away last year in an accident, so I will never get to know her better either.

Not sure if it helped you any, but that was my story

dublinreject

She'll be more nervous than you - thats for sure!
I would imagine that she might even feel a bit of resentment toward you as in why did they keep you and not her ..thats the sort of thing that went through my head when i found out i had an older sister and 3 younger brothers (fortunatley i was the lucky one who got out of there early enough to have a decent upbringing..long story!)
Good luck, tread gently and let her know that you are willing to give a relationship a go - if she wants to ..........

Dakeyras

Overheal wrote: »

May I ask, why was she put up, and you were kept?

is that not rather harsh and unfealing or is that an okay question? im just asking as id like to know, sorry

Coolio

Having met my birth parents and subsequently 3 sisters and a brother a few years back, I can only advise to have no expectations and plenty of patience leading up to your meeting. You both are coming in from different perspectives but as other posters have said she'll be feeling way more nervous as she has a whole new family to meet and get to know where for you guys its only one person and you are all sharing the same experience. She will have very few, if any, people to chat to or compare thoughts with. As I said don't expect to have a 'new' sister as she may have grown up with siblings in her adopted family and from my experience those bonds remain resolute and are often strengthened folllowing a reunion. So approach with no pre-conceptions and I wish you and your sister all the best.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I was adopted and met my family... I subsequently found out that I had an older sister who was a full blood sister a year older than me when I was 23.

I found it hard and stressful, but I did meet her and we were so much alike it wasn't funny. Mannerism, looks, personality, it was freaky, considering we had never met.

Whilst I do feel something for my biological sister, I felt almost forced to be friends by my family as she was 'my family' - it is not something that happened however as it brought up a lot of issues I have yet to deal with.

I cannot advice you, but only tell you of my experience. For me it was emotionally and physically draining and you will have so many feelings and thoughts going through your head, but you will get there.

Good luck with everything I wish you well.

Victor

Ass wrote: »

It could be terrible. Imagine you had sex with her before you knew she was your long lost sister. That probably wont be the case, but there is always that possibility.

Realisticly, thats rather unlikely.

Can we stick to constructive posts please?

conti

Exact thing happened to me.

I'd love to fully go into the story because I'll never forget every detail, I'm just a bit hungover and doing a college project so I'll keep it brief.
I can honestly say it was possibly the best thing that's ever happened in my life so far.

My parents had a baby girl before they were married, but because of lack of money they had no choice but go give her up for adoption. It's actually more common in Ireland from that era (early 70's) than you'd believe. Part of the agreement is that you are in no way allowed to try and contact someone after they have been given up for adoption so my parents had pretty much no choice but to get on with their lives as tough as it was. They eventually went on to start a family of 5 children, me being the youngest.

4 years ago my Dad receives a phone call from a woman who tells him a date and year and asks if it sounded familiar to him. I can only imagine how much of a shock it was to him, it would have especially been tough seeing as my Mother passed away weeks after giving birth to me 26 years ago, so he had to take the news on his own.

Cutting a long story short, he explained everything to us and we arranged to meet her. I was in shock at hearing about it but understandably excited too.
My new sister, Lucy, caught me by surprise by calling our house so my first contact with her was on the phone. I was so nervous talking to her, but we just had question after question or each other. She said she was dying to meet us, and also that she had 2 kids, I couldn't believe I was an uncle all of a sudden

Anyways we all met up at a hotel and spent the day together, it was so surreal to meet her, she looks so much like all of us. The two of us hit it off straight away, she said she felt a connection with me and was delighted to have a baby brother. I think the thing we had in common most was that sadly neither of us got to know our mother.

The next meeting was her coming to our house with her kids, two boys aged 5 and 7 who look just like me and my brothers did at that age. We hit it off straight away, I absolutely loved hanging out with them, they came over for weekends any chance they could and I would nearly be in tears when they had to go home.

It was just the most amazing and surreal experience that I could write about for pages here!

It brought our family together in ways I never imagined would happen, we had been through a lot in the years gone by and this was like karma or something.
After our mother passed away, my Dad couldn't afford (financially and emotionally) to look after me being just a couple of months old so my mother's sister brought me up until I had to start school - it was confusing to move home, I though my aunt was my mother and even called her that, I still lived with her during the summers until she passed away when I was 8. I didn't recover from this for years so my sister coming into our lives was such an amazing thing to happen and brought so much happiness which was needed after years of tragedy.

We get on very well with her parents, they are extremely nice people and she had a great up bringing so it worked out well. They were also delighted that she found us, they said it's great knowing that she'll still have family once they've gone.

It's still as amazing and exciting now to be with my sister and nephews, only now I don't get to seem them as much because I've moved to Dublin for college.
I still keep in contact and when I get a weekend off I try and arrange visits.

Anyways I'm waffling on here so I'll just say to the OP that if it affects your life even a fraction of how it did mine, you're in for some amazing life experiences that you'll never forget. I'm not a religous person but part of me believes that these things happen for reason, some kind of fate brought our family back together.

Good luck with it

kraggy

conti wrote: »

Exact thing happened to me.

I'd love to fully go into the story because I'll never forget every detail, I'm just a bit hungover and doing a college project so I'll keep it brief.
I can honestly say it was possibly the best thing that's ever happened in my life so far.

My parents had a baby girl before they were married, but because of lack of money they had no choice but go give her up for adoption. It's actually more common in Ireland from that era (early 70's) than you'd believe. Part of the agreement is that you are in no way allowed to try and contact someone after they have been given up for adoption so my parents had pretty much no choice but to get on with their lives as tough as it was. They eventually went on to start a family of 5 children, me being the youngest.

4 years ago my Dad receives a phone call from a woman who tells him a date and year and asks if it sounded familiar to him. I can only imagine how much of a shock it was to him, it would have especially been tough seeing as my Mother passed away weeks after giving birth to me 26 years ago, so he had to take the news on his own.

Cutting a long story short, he explained everything to us and we arranged to meet her. I was in shock at hearing about it but understandably excited too.
My new sister, Lucy, caught me by surprise by calling our house so my first contact with her was on the phone. I was so nervous talking to her, but we just had question after question or each other. She said she was dying to meet us, and also that she had 2 kids, I couldn't believe I was an uncle all of a sudden

Anyways we all met up at a hotel and spent the day together, it was so surreal to meet her, she looks so much like all of us. The two of us hit it off straight away, she said she felt a connection with me and was delighted to have a baby brother. I think the thing we had in common most was that sadly neither of us got to know our mother.

The next meeting was her coming to our house with her kids, two boys aged 5 and 7 who look just like me and my brothers did at that age. We hit it off straight away, I absolutely loved hanging out with them, they came over for weekends any chance they could and I would nearly be in tears when they had to go home.

It was just the most amazing and surreal experience that I could write about for pages here!

It brought our family together in ways I never imagined would happen, we had been through a lot in the years gone by and this was like karma or something.
After our mother passed away, my Dad couldn't afford (financially and emotionally) to look after me being just a couple of months old so my mother's sister brought me up until I had to start school - it was confusing to move home, I though my aunt was my mother and even called her that, I still lived with her during the summers until she passed away when I was 8. I didn't recover from this for years so my sister coming into our lives was such an amazing thing to happen and brought so much happiness which was needed after years of tragedy.

We get on very well with her parents, they are extremely nice people and she had a great up bringing so it worked out well. They were also delighted that she found us, they said it's great knowing that she'll still have family once they've gone.

It's still as amazing and exciting now to be with my sister and nephews, only now I don't get to seem them as much because I've moved to Dublin for college.
I still keep in contact and when I get a weekend off I try and arrange visits.

Anyways I'm waffling on here so I'll just say to the OP that if it affects your life even a fraction of how it did mine, you're in for some amazing life experiences that you'll never forget. I'm not a religous person but part of me believes that these things happen for reason, some kind of fate brought our family back together.

Good luck with it

What an amazing post. You've been through a lot, but yet, you still sound so positive. Fair play to you.

allybhoy

Annie Bananie wrote: »

Similar situation anyways..

When I was 16 me and my brother found out that we had a half sister. She was 2 years older then me. It was my Dad's daughter, which he only met once when she was 3 months old. The mother to my half sister had a new man already and he took the position of her father. So they never told her that he wasnt her real father and my Dad never told us we had a sister. But now when she was of age she somehow found out that her "Dad" was not her real Dad. So she simply called our house after she put pressure on her Mum.

Was a bit of a shock, but neither me or my brother was mad or very upset, just very surprised. (My Mum knew of this as well beforehand). And 2 months later she came and visit. She was nice and I met her about 5 times in my life in total (Im 32 now), but I never referred to her as my sister of felt any family connection with her. Think its because I didnt grow up with her.

Unfortunately she passed away last year in an accident, so I will never get to know her better either.

Not sure if it helped you any, but that was my story

Similar thing happend to me, found out 9 years ago that i had a half brother, the mad thing is my girlfriend also has a half sister*. I met my half brother 9 years ago, at the time it was a shock and probably a bit wierd for both of us , presumably more so for him. I was so young that I cant really remember how I felt when I found out but luckily when I met him the two of us got on straight away. We still keep in touch but as he lives far away we only meet up 3 or 4 times for a year for a pint or xmas or whatever but he feels more like a friend than a brother. I presume the closeness you have to your immediate siblings is from growing up together. But in saying that Im glad I have had the opportunity to know and meet him and it has definately been a positive experience. All I can advise is what other people have said, dont be expecting too much from it and be as warm and as friendly as possible and take it one step at a time.

*It seems to have been fairly common in the 60's and 70's, having a child out of wedlock brought great shame on families and a lot of stuff was swept under the carpet, and young mothers were forced to give up their babies for adoption. I suppose the catholic church probably has to be blamed for a lot of this, Magdalene Asylums etc etc. Paul McGrath's auto-biography is a fascinating if not harrowing insight on how it felt to be an orphan around that time

The Shock Maste

The exact same thing happened to me a few years ago, when i was 16 i had 1 sister 13 years older than me, we get on fantastically well. however one night when i came home from work i went to the sitting room to say hi to my parents and there they were with my sister and another woman. My father introduced her to me as my sister and went on to explain how and why she was put up for adoption.

basically when my parents were dating they had a baby girl my oldest sister. about a year later they were married and pregnant again, this was the birth of my newest sister (the adopted one). my father got very ill and was in hospital for a long time so my oldest sister went to live with my aunt and the other was put up for adoption. 13 years later i was born. my Father felt incredibly guilty about what had to happen and spent years trying to find here but he couldn't find her anywhere (even though she actually only lived 2 miles away from us at the time, weird huh )

Anyway to cut a long story short she found us by talking to me when i was younger, i was at the shops with my mates getting sweats i was like 8 or so and she was looking for directions and recognized me but before she could talk to me i was gone on my way home. but eventually she tracked us down. great stuff.

It was weird at first but quickly as in a matter of days it was like we had know each other since i was born. my 2 sisters and I spent months getting to know each other going out etc and things were great.

it took a turn for the worst though years later but i would rather not go into that as i don't want to scare you. but finding that missing link of your family is the most wonderful experience i have ever had. im 26 now and would give anything to experience it again as i would be older and be able to have more fun .

This is going to be an amazing experience for you and i wish you luck. just make sure the first thing you DON'T say to her if she is older is " so do you back date birthday's"

Good luck

sorry forgot to add to this a funny story, a few weeks later my father threw a big party to introduce her to the rest of the family. she met and older cousin of mine and both their faces dropped turning white as they had dated for a few days when they were younger ha ha ha, ripped her a new one over that (and no nothing actually happened between them)