Cant seem to make new friends

LegacyUser

I moved to Dublin 9 years ago and am now in my early 30's. Problem is i just cant seem to make any new friends. When i moved here first i was living in a bedsit (last minute only place available job) but i made friends with the people i worked who thankfully they were the same age as me around 20-25 who i went out regularly with which was fine. Problem is they have moved away or moved on since we all swapped jobs etc.

Then i moved into a house and made friends with the people in the house - had a laugh etc.. Again due to circumstances we eventually left the house/drifted apart and now i live in a flat on my own in the city centre for the past year and a half and i must admit it is f**king doing my head as i have no one to go out with. The people i work with are that bit older than me/married etc. and have their own network of friends. I dont want to be Billy no mates and obviously hate being this way but i just dont know what to do. I am starting to feel that bit more anxious now and need to break this cycle.

Ive even more or less stopped heading out to random pubs on my own as it only gets me down so now i just stay in and get down lol. I find i always have a few beers in the evening just to avoid going completely mad. I was always used to having a big social network like where im from but i just cant seem to do it here. ? I just need to have a couple of friends to do stuff with.

tba

you need to do a course or something, get out there and meet people. ANd not some crappy night course in some stupid arse end education centre ,Do a really challenging one in a proper in a college that will open new avenues.

Charity work is good too, but exciting charity work like building houses in africa or climbing everest for cancer research, you only get out of life what you put into it, have some fun!

Certainly don't sit around drinking all evening, that will lead to a bad place, I can assure you.

loloray

Hi OP, sorry to hear that you are down.

In my social circles, if someone had a place in town it would be the centre of social gatherings - maybe you are not making the most of your prime location!

Then there is another general advice, like join evening classes etc to find like-minded people.

But surely you have a great place to ask friends/colleagues to go out on whatever night, have a few drinks in your place first (with the recession that would be really appealing), and then you just walk to whatever pub, and they even could crash on your sofa/whatever and save on taxi and get home safe?

greatness is me

i will be ur friend i like making new friends. it would be my plueser

prentice

Unregistered wrote: »

I moved to Dublin 9 years ago and am now in my early 30's. Problem is i just cant seem to make any new friends. When i moved here first i was living in a bedsit (last minute only place available job) but i made friends with the people i worked who thankfully they were the same age as me around 20-25 who i went out regularly with which was fine. Problem is they have moved away or moved on since we all swapped jobs etc.

Then i moved into a house and made friends with the people in the house - had a laugh etc.. Again due to circumstances we eventually left the house/drifted apart and now i live in a flat on my own in the city centre for the past year and a half and i must admit it is f**king doing my head as i have no one to go out with. The people i work with are that bit older than me/married etc. and have their own network of friends. I dont want to be Billy no mates and obviously hate being this way but i just dont know what to do. I am starting to feel that bit more anxious now and need to break this cycle.

Ive even more or less stopped heading out to random pubs on my own as it only gets me down so now i just stay in and get down lol. I find i always have a few beers in the evening just to avoid going completely mad. I was always used to having a big social network like where im from but i just cant seem to do it here. ? I just need to have a couple of friends to do stuff with.

First off i can empathise having been down the same road.

First thing i would advise is to sort out the head.
that involves canning( excuse the pun) the beers every night. You have to let the seratonins build up in your brain. The beer brings you down if your at it too much and will lead to a state of depression and a vicious circle.

The second thing to do is join a gym. this wont sort out your lonliness problems, but will sort your head out. Try it, the excercise gives you a natural high.

When you have done those two things, you will find that you are more outgoing and approachable.

Then you take 50 million courses.. etc etc.

trust me, It will work.

G86

Drinking in the house on your own isn't good, so stop that first of all, it'll get you no where. I can understand why you don't want to go to pubs on your own but seriously man drinking alone is a no no when you're feeling down.

+1 for the gym idea. I know people always say 'join a club' and I know its not that easy, but if you're into sports then even join some sort of sports club, even martial arts or something? Whichever you have the most interest in, it'l really help you meet people.

Is everyone you work with older? Or are there different depts in your job? Do any of the lads have a friendly footies match once a week? Why don't you check it out, I know alot of the lad in my old job got pally that way.

Friends of friends are normally a good way to go too, Ive met alot of my best friends through other people. Generally if your friends get on with them you will. Are you on bebo or facebook or any social networking site? Much as people slate them, they can be a great way of finding old friends or building more of a rapport with people you've only met. Sure why not look up some of your old friends and see what they're at now? I'm sure they'd love to hear from you and if nothing comes of it sure no harm done.

How about the boards meet ups? Have you been to any of them? I went to one over a year ago and met one of my now best friends there.

I know its not easy to meet new people, especially when you live alone, but it just takes time and it won't happen sitting in your flat.

Good Luck

20goto10

Unregistered wrote: »

I moved to Dublin 9 years ago and am now in my early 30's. Problem is i just cant seem to make any new friends. When i moved here first i was living in a bedsit (last minute only place available job) but i made friends with the people i worked who thankfully they were the same age as me around 20-25 who i went out regularly with which was fine. Problem is they have moved away or moved on since we all swapped jobs etc.

Then i moved into a house and made friends with the people in the house - had a laugh etc.. Again due to circumstances we eventually left the house/drifted apart and now i live in a flat on my own in the city centre for the past year and a half and i must admit it is f**king doing my head as i have no one to go out with. The people i work with are that bit older than me/married etc. and have their own network of friends. I dont want to be Billy no mates and obviously hate being this way but i just dont know what to do. I am starting to feel that bit more anxious now and need to break this cycle.

Ive even more or less stopped heading out to random pubs on my own as it only gets me down so now i just stay in and get down lol. I find i always have a few beers in the evening just to avoid going completely mad. I was always used to having a big social network like where im from but i just cant seem to do it here. ? I just need to have a couple of friends to do stuff with.

I see a couple of issues here which I myself have fallen foul off. First up, ask yourself were the people you used to hang out with really your mates? Was there anything in your friendship other than people you used to drink with? If not then they're not really your friends....they're just drinking company. Secondly is your age, its natural for people to drift apart at this age. The main reason would be people move, therefore heading out drinking together becomes harder and eventually stops. Take the drink away and you have nothing. As well as that, people change and your lives can take different directions. You're no longer automatically interested in the same things just because of your age.

What you need are real friends. That is people who share the same interests (not drinking!) as you. The type that would pop in for a chat and nothing more. How to go about it I'm not quite sure because I kind of need that advice myself

ElStuardo

Ive read a few posts on here in the past regarding roughly the same issue,would it be worth organising a night out or a social gathering so maybe all us people feeling lonely or wanting new friends could gather and just mingle and see who we get on with etc.Probably stupid but just a thought.

By the way OP your not alone in feeling the way you do.

sitstill

ElStuardo wrote: »

Ive read a few posts on here in the past regarding roughly the same issue,would it be worth organising a night out or a social gathering so maybe all us people feeling lonely or wanting new friends could gather and just mingle and see who we get on with etc.Probably stupid but just a thought.

By the way OP your not alone in feeling the way you do.

I think this would be a great idea, and very helpful for some people.

kittensoft1984

ElStuardo wrote: »

Ive read a few posts on here in the past regarding roughly the same issue,would it be worth organising a night out or a social gathering so maybe all us people feeling lonely or wanting new friends could gather and just mingle and see who we get on with etc.Probably stupid but just a thought.

By the way OP your not alone in feeling the way you do.

+1 for this idea.

Op you are not alone. I think the gym idea is a good one. I know it can be hard to join new clubs etc but you seem to be a fairly outgoing person so maybe that's the route to go down too.

ElStuardo

So it seems alot of people on here would welcome a meet as alot of us seem to have a simular issue,anyone interested nothing special maybe just pick a pub/coffee shop just meet mingle go home and see if wev anything in common or want to make it a regular meet?

Victor

greatness is me wrote: »

i will be ur friend i like making new friends. it would be my plueser

Welcome to boards.ie

The cocktail bar is thataway

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LegacyUser

Sometimes friendships are convenient - I've shared houses with people and worked with people who I hung out with but as soon as I moved out or stopped working with them, I realised that we were more housemates/workmates than friends... out of all the jobs I had, I have made about 4 good friends. Sometimes bitching about the boss or job is all you do have in common.

Join a club - that advice comes up here very often but it's far easier to bond with people you have something in common with than not. So whatever your interests are, be it sports, crafts etc, get involved in a club. I did last year and have been away on weekends, out for pints with and in touch on line with many since then

Get involved in some community stuff - bit more difficult in the city maybe than a town/village but volunteer for St. Patricks day events/ Dun LAoghaire festival etc... you meet people that way also.

Irish people can be very cliquey/not so open to new people. So gangs of friends can be tight and you can't break into that. Not sure why we are like that but having been part of a cliquey narrow minded crew, I felt I needed to get out and make more friends.

Also, we can be very lazy. Friends of mine who are now married, are less likely to be out every friday night, so it's sometimes up to me to initiate contact and meet up for a couple of pints. They always appreciate a call.

As for going to the pub on your own, well, why not? Chat to the barman. Bring a newspaper. Don't expect to make a best buddy but at least you're outside.

And find a coffee shop you like going to. Bring a book. Chat to the staff. become a regular.

Value the importance of acquaintances who could become more than that.

The more open you are to new experiences and people, the easier it will be.

And if you feel that some of your friends from your past could still be good friends of yours again, why not look for them on facebook and rekindle some of what you had. IT won't always work of course, but what harm meeting for a beer and a chat.