Just broke up from long term relationship

LegacyUser

As it says above, just finished a nearly 10year relationship. My head is really just all over the place. i was driving earlier on and just felt like driving straight into a wall. How do guys deal with this pain?

pseudonym1

Oooouccchh!
Crap - I know! Lots of folk feel like this at least once in their lives!

Got to remember it wasn t a perfect relationship - it probably stunted you- stopped from doing things you always wanted - focus on them now and develop yourself. Live your life without anyone to answer to or consider! If possible take off travelling.

Wallowing and sleeping around are common coping mechenisms- neither are good in excess or to be recomended but are none the less consoling.

Sorry for your pain.... here is a hug ( ... )

starchild

i have been there and i really feel for you
i was in a four year relationship & i thought everything was perfect then one day it was gone

life was a nightmare, i felt exactly how you described but i got through it by mainly talking talking talking to friends, this really helped as it was surprising how many of my mates had felt the same

we were in touch for a while but after a short period i cut all contact with my ex as this was only way i could move on

it will get better for you, keep strong

ps - i tried drinking my way through it but believe me that def didnt work, it made things worse, major depressant

DamoKen

starchild wrote: »

life was a nightmare, i felt exactly how you described but i got through it by mainly talking talking talking to friends, this really helped as it was surprising how many of my mates had felt the same

we were in touch for a while but after a short period i cut all contact with my ex as this was only way i could move on

it will get better for you, keep strong

ps - i tried drinking my way through it but believe me that def didnt work, it made things worse, major depressant

agree with all the above, talking with friends and family can be so helpful, really does help. Ok, you tend to repeat yourself and go around in circles for a while but I think that's just your mind sorting out your emotions etc.

Cutting all contact (at least until your head is in a better place) is also necessary I've found. You've broken up with this girl, and as tempting as it is to have some form of contact, in the end it just prolongs the pain of the breakup.

Have tried to drink my way through breakups in the past. Was on the dry since my recent (month before Christmas) and never expected breakup as we had planned to spend the rest of out lives together and it was thus the hardest,most serious and in the end messiest. Drinking is not a good idea I think after the breakup of a serious relationship, you may/may not feel better on the night, but the hangover plus associated depression that envitably follows the next day is really not worth it.
Thought I'd reached the point where I could go on a session with the lads last weekend, discovered on the Sunday that was not the case so going to leave it for another month or two.

Finally and relatively new to Ireland, counselling of some sort to help you sort your head out is also something to be considered. Only discovered recently a lot of people I know have or are attending counselling for just this type of reason.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replys folks. And yes i have been trying the drinking route, i know its not the way to go but i need something to help me sleep.
With regards to talking to people within my cirlce of friends and contacts- i will find it very difficult to do. I am somewhat of a private person and the only one i've ever really discussed things with was her.
And to round things off, career wise im in trouble also. i Have a degree, but jobs in my line of work are rapidly depleating. I was half thinking of fecking off somewhere but i have done the OZ route and feel i need to settle down at this stage.
Thanks again for your advice.

homerun_homer

I'm sorry to hear about this OP but the best thing you can do is keep seeing your friends, talking about it if you can and just keep distracted. It sorta works at first and in time you get more distracted, but even though you will always be thinking about her it is best not to wallow alone. It just gets far too depressing.
Try not to go nuts drinking as it will just make things worse. I used to drown my sorrows most nights and felt the worse for it each time.

jellie

keep busy, see friends, talk about it if you can.

it gets easier, just takes awhile..

cut contact with the ex, its the only way to get through it.

not yet

I was married for 14 yrs broke up 4 years ago..........

I really thought I was going to break when it happened,It has to be the worst time of my life.

I was numb for months after the break-up,but slowly you come back around to being YOU.

I honestly believe the body has a way of shutting down to deal with crap and pain you go through,I promise you, give it 6 months and the mind numbing nothingness will start to clear.

Till then let your body go on auto pilot.

Drummerboy2

Sorry to hear that OP. A good idea is to keep busy. Throw yourself into your work or hobby. It can help take your mind off things. Another great distraction is lots of exercise. Contact sports can be a great way to release pent up frustrations!

who007

take up running?
get out on the road with an mp3 player and run and run for miles on end while yuo sort your head out.. enjoy the endorphin high at the end.
Join a club, run with other people, including slim sexy women.
Enter races - enjoy the achievement of completing them as you add medals to your collection.
Socialise through the sport.
It's only the cost of a pair of runners and cheap kit.
Look around one day and realise you feel great and are happy with your life.

Just a suggestion.

oh and the contact sports would be good too.

Mick_83

Hey, this is the OP. I decided to register because it was just too much hassle going unreg waiting for my replies to post.
As a lot of you have said, I have decided to cut all ties with her. We exchanged belongings the other day after which I came home and got sick. It is amazing what an effect the head has on ones physical body.
I know I need to stop the drinking and feel ashamed of myself for doing it. It certainly isn’t part of my new healthier life plan. I have just recently taken up a contact sport but I don’t think its enough, I need more to try and fill up the week. I would like to get back into running, unfortunately at the moment I am a little heavy but hopefully I wont be long shaking it off.
Also, id just like to thank all, particularly those who spoke of personal situations. It is a very unselfish thing to share ones private life in order to help a stranger.

road_2_damascus

Drummerboy2 wrote: »

Sorry to hear that OP. A good idea is to keep busy. Throw yourself into your work or hobby. It can help take your mind off things. Another great distraction is lots of exercise. Contact sports can be a great way to release pent up frustrations!

I was about to suggest the same thing. Go to the pool and start to build up lengths, when the adrenline hits you, youd be very surprised as to how better you start to feel. Wear yourself out and you'll sleep alot better .
Keep in the company of your closest friends, avoid sitting in the pub on your own, have a jar or two with friends but never get trollied, firstly because its very depressing and secondly, if people see you like this (including your friends) they will avoid you. Also, any advice or words of comfort friends may offer you when you re in this state will only be forgotten in the morning. Plus the hangover will make you feel 10 times worse. Stay close to friends for the next while and talk openly about how you are feeling.. very important.
Hypnosis really works, it can help you relax and rid you of all those anxiety pangs that hit you and keep you awake all night. Self hypnosis is also excellent, you can download hypnosis audio files from the Web, dont listen to them while driving. It relaxes you, and helps you think clearly. You will regain your sense of purpose. I'll try and dig out a few better ones if you PM my profile.
Maybe difficult to consider this next suggestion now but keep it in mind, try to take up something creative. Cooking, art and music are all great therapy. Even photography..
Indian food, especially spicey curries that contain fruit are a great upper. Get in a variety of Indian dishes some night (every night) and have a few people over. Also, food that contains Omega 3 oil... Atlantic salmon, makeral. Dark green vegetables such as spinach and peas are high in folate. It is a substance that has a key role in the production of serotonin.
Turkey and chicken also.
You should also get in some St. John's Wort and liquid Ginseng. You will come out of this sooner than you think my friend, I have been in your position twice before. Keep us posted on how you are doing please and keep the chin up :cool:

Wibbs

As others have said you're not alone on this one. The last time I had my heart broken? Unreal. It literally felt like my actual heart in my chest broke. Hard to describe. I've had bad times in my life like us all, even buried friends and family before their time and yet that heartbreak was among the biggest shocks to my system. It is like a death too, though the ones who leave don't have the decency to bleedin peg it!:) So it is like a limbo. The other thing is if they left you and it wasn't a mutual thing that pain of rejection of you as a person. Rejection from the one person you never felt would or even could. It puts you in an emotional tailspin. Nightmare.

Yes you will be numb, yes you may go batshít crazy for a while, but it does pass and you come out of it a better person. That's how I dealt with it after the initial disbelief(for want of a better word). I looked to me and how I screwed up. On reflection, yes I screwed up, but so did she. I learned from it, from what I gather she didn't which saddened me at the time.

It will pass and be another step on the road of your life to a better you. Trust me on that. Put it another way, yes I lost someone, but thanks to that loss, I found so much more of myself than I thought possible. Result.

bush Baby

I know its the last thing on your mind but do something completely different. Join a new club. Do something new that keeps you busy. Charity work, music / comedy clubs traditional sessions are all easy to go to and are free. That way, you can't help but meet new people. There's no quick fix of course but doing interesting things tends to lead to meeting really intersting people!

Live well - be happy

banshee_bones

hey OP, hope your okay.

All of the above advice is as ever easier said than done, after something like this it can be hard to even get out of bed in the mornings but you just have to keep yourself busy so you dont dwell on it too much.

Take this time now in your life to do whatever you have always wanted to do, be it taking up a new hobby, acquiring a new skill, travelling somewhere, learning a new language, whatever it be.. do it. do whatever it takes to keep you happy and make you feel better about yourself so your not concentrating on any negatives in your life.

I understand that there will be a massive void in your life now from where that person was but its best for your own sanity to cut all contact and remove all reminders of that so it doesnt cause you any unnecessary pain.

Best of luck

zeus faber

Hi op, I broke up with gf of 10 years last march, and yeah things are better now,I done the drinking, sleeping around thing and its not the way.
I got back inot some of my old hobbies,done a bit o travelling to places i always wanted to go,have to admit its a bit strange travelling on your own at first, but after a few days being there I was ok.
I got back running and took up cooking, cooking is great i found.
I think time is the key here and now on reflection I am better off.

Mick_83

Thanks all again
@Road 2 Damascus
Yeah id like to take up some new hobbies and I have a good camera so perhaps should get back into photography. With regards to your diet recommendations, it certainly wasn’t something I had even considered, but I will certainly take it on board. I think I should start sooner rather than later because at the moment im not exactly eating healthily!

@Wibbs
You certainly sound as if you’ve been through your fair share of sh#t in your life. I too have buried too many friends and family than I would like to remember and you are right, this feels just the same. I have no doubt that my own grievance over my sisters death 2 years back contributed to my status of being single! And to add to it, it just rehashes old pain that I don’t want to be there!

At the moment I really just need to be out of the house, because there are too many memories in every room. I was inquiring today about joining a gym, so that along with my sport should see me out of the house Mon-Fri at night time.
I am considering travelling Zeus Faber, it is just a big step to take and I don’t want to make any decisions whilst I am in the current mind frame. I think il hang on a few months and consider my options then. Hopefully your right with regards to time healing wounds, I just wish I could skip to the sane stage though! ha

Wibbs

Good plan re the Road 2 Damascus diet(now there's a book title:)). I gather the oul fish oils do have an effect on mood. Read a couple of articles on that and not in "I'm a hippy feel my crystals monthly" so there could well be something to it.

I know what you mean about rehashing old pain. I think in my case I may not have been too different in that way. Looking back, I think I hadn't fully grieved other things and it all came out over a six month period after the loss of the relationship. Which of course made things worse. Nothing to do with the lassie either, all to do with me.

Yes it would be good to skip the hard bits, but again looking back, while I wouldn't like to relive that kind of thing again, or wish it on another, I'm bloody glad I did. That's what was the making of a better me. Kinda like a soul enema, not pleasant but really flushed out a lot of the shít.

pseudonym1

Wibbs wrote: »

It will pass and be another step on the road of your life to a better you. Trust me on that. Put it another way, yes I lost someone, but thanks to that loss, I found so much more of myself than I thought possible. Result.

That is nicely put and so very true!


Its cool that you have taken up a sport op . At the moment drinking is a circle of distruction it clouds your judgment and supresses inevitable emotions - the aftermath of downers are going to make you feel worse not better!

Mick_83

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes it would be good to skip the hard bits, but again looking back, while I wouldn't like to relive that kind of thing again, or wish it on another, I'm bloody glad I did. That's what was the making of a better me. Kinda like a soul enema, not pleasant but really flushed out a lot of the shít.

Nice way of putting it! Jesus i just hope at the end of this i can say it made the better of me, cause at the moment i just want to self destruct.

pseudonym1 wrote: »

That is nicely put and so very true!


Its cool that you have taken up a sport op . At the moment drinking is a circle of distruction it clouds your judgment and supresses inevitable emotions - the aftermath of downers are going to make you feel worse not better!

Yeah i know it aint the answer, i just need something to knock me out! I hate the thoughts of getting drugs to do it but i cant keep staring at the ceiling all night. think i might go to the doc and ask for something.

Wibbs

Mick_83 wrote: »

Nice way of putting it!

I'm nothing if not descriptive and in my case there was a lot of shíte to flush. TBH I'm surprised the lassie in that case lasted as long as she did.:)

Jesus i just hope at the end of this i can say it made the better of me, cause at the moment i just want to self destruct.

Of course and that's part of the process IMHO. You kinda have to go through the crap to get the good stuff. To quote Churchill, "if you're going through hell, keep going!" Dead right too. Now it can overwhelm you and if it does, ask for help. From mates, family in places like this. If it gets too much for that support system and for you, well then talk to your doc. I will say, in my case at least it was an acute thing. It was dodgy at the time and I didn't know if I would come out the other side, which makes things worse, but if my assurance is any use and for what it's worth, it does pass. IMHO too often we seek to numb pain. Pain can be a useful thing. It tells you something hurts and you should take care of that. Now sometimes it goes beyond useful into fuggin irritating and unhealthy, in which case you're on the phone to your friendly neighbourhood quack who will help. You can be sure him or her have gone through exactly the same thing.

Yeah i know it aint the answer, i just need something to knock me out! I hate the thoughts of getting drugs to do it but i cant keep staring at the ceiling all night. think i might go to the doc and ask for something.

As I say, that's an option. But if I were you, give it some time. Maybe the odd sleepless night is the emotional drug of what you've lost leaving the system. Look on it as part of the cure and you moving on. Yes it may go beyond that, but you'll notice when it does I reckon, if you listen closely.

There's always crap late night TV if nothing else.:)

Mick_83

Thanks again Wibbs for all the wise words, it certainly does help. I get the feeling that the quote, "If your going through hell, keep going" will be my motto for the next few weeks! Off now to count sheep. cheers

LegacyUser

Hi Mick,

About 2 years ago I split up with my BF, the man I was sure I was going to marry. The break up was sheer hell and was compounded by the fact that I'd fallen out with my best friend over said BF, a few weeks previously, my family didn't approve of the relationship (he had kids from a previous relationship and they didn't think he was good enough for me). We broke up and I found myself completely lost. I had so much free time and nothing to fill it with. Every waking thought was consumed with grief for the loss of the relationship. And even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I was still completely and utterly heartbroken.

It got to the stage where I knew I had to do something, because I just couldn't see an end to my grief, work was suffering, I wasn't functioning properly. It didn't help that we were still in contact, because while I'd made the decision to end the relationship, I just wasn't ready to cut him out of my life completely. In the end, in the wee hours of the morning I made the decision that I needed help and decided that I would visit my GP the next day to get an anti depressant. That moment was like a turning point. I actually slept that night. I woke up the next day and felt a bit better, so I decided I'd hold off on the GP visit and went and treated myself to a Nintendo DS instead. It seems silly, but when you're concentrating on a brain training game, you can't think about anything else. It gave me short periods of relief from my never ending thoughts about the situation.

Anyway, I'm rambling. My point is, it does get better. And get a DS and some brain training games to fill up the quiet times

Hope you start to feel better soon.

LegacyUser

i just got out of a long term relationship, and i thought things were going perfect, until my gf left me saying she doesnt feel the same way about me anymore, but she was always telling me how happy she was..she doesnt want to talk to me for a while to get over me. i understand that, she said she wants to be friends i understand that, but i called her to ask for my belongings back and she freaked out STOP FU**ING CALLING ME so i kept calling and calling till she let me ask her if i could have my thigns, then she says that im harrassing her and she blocks my number, and today i was simply asking what she was doing and she was like, its none of your business where i am or who im with that i dont understand :S