I need some advice!!!

LegacyUser

Ok i dont know where to start so here goes...... sorry if its long...........

I'm 18 and my mam is an Alcoholic, has been since I was 8. I am currently doing my leaving cert and hoping to go to collage next year.

When he is drunk she shouts at us and stuff but since I have grown up with it doesn’t really bother me any more. I guess I’ve learned to live with it. Its my sister I worry about she is 11 and I love her to bits, mams been an Alco all her life so she has had it quite tough!!

My dilemma is do I move out and go to collage or stay at home and drive in and out each day?? (Collage is 40 mins away) She wouldn’t be home on her own with my mam she has my dad who is the best in the world and my brother he’s19.

The reason I don’t want to leave her is because I know what its like to have to deal with mam at such a young age and up until now I’ve always been there for her when it gets too much. I’d love to move out and get away from it all it’s all I’ve ever wanted, but am I being selfish leaving my sister?

On the other hand I don’t want to leave her. I don’t want her to have to deal with it as I did. She gets upset when I talk about collage as she doesn’t want me to go. My dad says to follow my dreams and he says ill only ever be 40 mins away if she really needs me. He says that she will be fine but i know what its like, its not easy when you have no one who under stands.


I really need your advice, do I stay or should I go? Should I be selfish and move out and get away from it or put my wants aside and care for my sister who needs me??

Thanks in advance.

tba

your dad is right, you will be only 40 minutes away and a phone call away at all times.

You will probably be back every weekend for a bit too. Your sister will be fine, she will survive just like you, she will most likely thrive as it is obvious you care about her.

Go to college, get the third level education, your sister will forgive you, but you will never forgive yourself if you don't go.

dolliemix

Thats really sad but you should go to college. Your dad will look after your sister. It would kill your dad aswell, I'd say if you stayed. Your sister will be upset at you leaving but she'll cope. She'll be heading to secondary school and a whole new adventure. She knows that you're always there for her and she's lucky to have you

LegacyUser

It's up to you but could you do college part-time? That way you can move out, work and get an education at the same time. If you are earning you can always treat your little sister at weekends.

pseudonym1

Please go!
I had a childhood friend who had a similiar situation. Unfortunately she didn't take it much to her detreiment -sp?.
You deserve this opportunity and besides could you see your sis every other weekend and some evenings without lectures.

Study your backside off and set an example for her!!


Best of luck!

jellie

what about moving out but doing it slowly? start by being away for a couple of nights, then 3 or 4, then coming home at the weekends? it might be a way to help get your sister used to the idea of you not being around ALL the time but still being there for her.

LegacyUser

I think move out slowly if you can.
I moved out recently, and while my circumstances are nowhere as bad as yours, one of my sisters took it very badly. I did try to do it as gradually as possible, but I had to move out eventually, and I'm only 10 mins down the road. She'll still text me about everything and every so often, she tells me she wishes I was still at home, but most the time she's okay. Aside from anything else, it gives her somewhere else to get away to if things get too much for her. So take it slowly, and best of luck.

Monkey61

Definitely move out.

I had a friend in the exact same situation and she didn't move out for years because of younger brothers and sisters. She suffered so much because of it and ended up dropping out of college and failing exams numerous times.

She finally got the courage to move out and it has done wonders for her. She's top of her class in college and finally getting some of the happiness she deserves.

As other posters have said, you can drop over and see your sister any time you want and she can come and visit you as well. It will probably be good for her as well to have someone close to her who lives outside of the house that she can turn to when things get rough. Plus it will be a positive thing for her to see you succeeding and making something of your life so she will know that she can too.

Drummerboy2

You have to move out. You deserve it. You can still pop over to see them all. Your Dad seems to do his bit so your sister won't be alone.

Does your mother know how her drinking is affecting you all. Perhaps you should show her this thread.

KikiDee

Hey, ultimately it's up to you to decide but Ithink you'd be very foolish to stay at home. If your at home, what study and coursework etc are you going to get done if your caring for everyone else? Your dad is right. Go, it's only 40 mins away. Enjoy your life pet and don't wotty about your little sister. She's got her dad and brother and you'll only be a phonecall away!

G86

Hi OP

Your post really hit home with me because I was in a similar situation a few years ago. You really need to move out. I know its hard, and I know you don't want your sister to go through what you went through. But the thing is that sometimes you just have to think about yourself, and its not being selfish and its not letting your sister down, its taking control of your own life. You seem like a really caring person and I know you're worried about her, but 40 mins away is nothing, all she has to do is call you if anything goes wrong and you can hop on a bus. In my situation, I moved 4 hours away, and I can honestly say its worked out ok. I know you'll feel guilty about leaving your sister on her own, but the thing is she's not on her own really, you're lucky that your dad and brother are there to look after her. If anything goes wrong or if they need you then all they have to do is pick up the phone.

College is such a great experience, don't let your mother's problem ruin it for you, you deserve to be happy after living with it the past few years. You need to build your own life now, and your sister can be a part of that too sure. You can have her over to you for weekends and that kind of thing. 40 mins away is as good as a holiday when you're 11

You're not the parent here, you have your own life to live.

Best of luck x

smileykey

Move out. As your dad said all she has to do is sen you a text nd you can be there in 40 minutes. Also if you move out and things get really tough for her at home, she can escape to yours for a weekend break from it all

louisecm

BE SELFISH! I lived in your situation for far too long, and kept putting my parent's health and life before mine. She is an adult, and not your responsibility. Start living your life for you. You should also consider alanon, www.al-anon-ireland.org

Good luck, its not easy at first but your life belongs to you.

LegacyUser

I had the same experience but I was supposed to be off to Oz for the year but felt guilty about leaving my dad & brothers to cope with my mum so didn't go - biggest regret of my life...! Let your sister see that having an alco mum doesn't have to dictate the life ye have... Your dad & bro can keep an eye on her & before you know it she'll be off to college herself... Maybe look up some Al-Anon meetings locally - for family & friends of alcoholics. I know they really helped me before my mum went to AA. She's sober now nearly 4 years but we had to wait a long time for her to decide that was what she wanted...

You sound like a great big bro so she'll be grand! And if she's like any other 11 year old she'll have her mobile stuck to her hand so you can keep in touch & encourage her when there's a tough night... Enjoy college!!