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My girlfriend doesn't trust me.

  • 12-01-2009 6:07pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hey everyone. My head is so wrecked. I'm just back from a small trip to Berlin with two of my mates, both guys. We had a great time, met some nice people over there, took some funny drunken pictures, the usual.

    I've been in a relationship for the past 2 years and I'm madly in love with my girlfriend. I'm 27, she's 28. Until my holiday, I would have said she loved me to bits too but now I'm not so sure.

    The thing is that in one of the photos I have my arm around a random girl (around her neck). We met her and two of her guy friends at a club and just had a laugh with them drinking shots and dancing like loons. It was completely innocent and absolutely nothing untoward happened whatsoever.

    When I came back, the big eejit that I am, I showed my girlfriend all the pictures and when she saw the one of me and the girl hugging she practically went into a state of shock and outright accused me of cheating with her.

    It's been two days and our relationship has been in tatters since. No matter what I say she just won't believe me. Sometimes she says she does but then starts sulking and sobbing and is generally uneasy around me.

    It's important to say that my girlfriend has been cheated on twice before and as a result I think her self esteem is a bit low. We had such a perfect relationship but now I'm guessing, I dunno, she feels that all men are like this.

    The thing is that I love her so much and just want her to believe me and trust me again. I'm a big enough man to put my ego aside and be there for the woman that I love to help her deal with her self esteem and baggage issues but no matter what I say or do, I just am not able to change her mind about the randomer in the photo.

    Can anyone help me out here, I just want us back together again :(


Comments

  • #2
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    OK now this is just my take and the chances are high I could be wrong, but I would keep your ego. Do not go down the road of constantly seeking forgiveness for something you haven't done. I've found it enables insecure types even more. I know it feels instinctive to keep reassuring someone like that, but IME it often has quite the opposite effect to what you intended. All too often it puts them in a feedback loop of self pity and self destruct relationship wise.

    I don't mean ignore her worries. I'm just saying that presumably you have already told her nothing happen. I presume you've told her she's the only one for you and have acted like that up to now?

    Next step. When she brings this up again, acknowledge her feelings but don't pander to them. Calmly and with a pleasant face, tell her that you've explained that nothing happened, that you can't convince her any more than that and that she has to take your word on this. If she doesn't take your word, then that is her prerogative, but you feel that this is not healthy for your relationship. Leave it at that. Do not be drawn into an emotional tit for tat discussion as you'll lose. That's what her insecurity is looking for.

    In the end if she doesn't believe you or thinks you're just like all the rest, well then that's her issue entirely. Not yours. To continuously apologise for something you didn't do is pointless and won't help her get over this either.

    It's not a healthy way to live for either of you, I can tell you that.

    My 2 cents anyway.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • #3
    dubsgirl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 726 ✭✭✭dubsgirl


    +1 perfect advice above in my opinion. She needs to come to terms with the fact that your not the same as her ex. Only she can do this. If I had a partner that I suspected was cheating on me I would certainly believe him more if he was getting annoyed with me for going on about it, seems a more honest reply than to be constantly re-assuring tbh.


  • #4
    Rattlehead_ie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,884 ✭✭✭Rattlehead_ie


    You and only you can know exactly what happened and like us here online your girlfriend has to trust you that you didn't cheat. Two years with the girl and she should know you more by now to be able to gauge when you're lying etc.

    That being said I can understand your girlfirneds response especially if she has been cheated on before, it has happened to a lot of us and no matter how great the next relationship is it is hard to get that 100% trust with OH or member of opp sex.

    The fact that you showed her the pic means that you thought of it as nothing and innocent thats the 1st thing I would have noticed. Be patient with her as she is probably a bit worried that she will get hurt again.

    Don't pander to her, don't bend over backward to be "forgiven" what have you to be forgiven for? Wait let her bring it up either directly or in a relationship / deep chat. Tell her you care for her but that nothing happened.

    <repeat wibbs last 2 paragraphs>
    Good Luck


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