Turmoil over ex(s)

LegacyUser

Hello,

I posted here about two months ago and got some really sound advice. I'm in my mid twenties. Broke up from long term girlfriend (first love) about three months ago, she ended it and treated me pretty shabbily at the time (this is a bit of an understatment). I was heart broken and begged her to reconsider. She ignored me, blamed me and just wanted to be friends.

I accepted the relationship was over and that I'd done all I could, so I cut all contact and got on with my life. During this time I met another woman, (older; early thirties) and started seeing her regularly. I was very cautious and aware of not just looking for someone on the rebound. I was also very honest with where I was in relationship with ex; getting to grips with it. Started falling for this girl and became 'exclusive', then my ex started contacting me again. Saying she loves me, that she'd made the biggest mistake of her life and wants me back! I say I don't want to, ask to be left alone again and cut contact again.

Over xmas I bumped into her (the ex) in town and a coffee turned into a day shopping, turned into dinner and sex. I was unbelievably ashamed at the betrayal of my new GF. I confessed to her what had happened and to my suprise she didn't slap me or want to break up. The fact that I could betray her left me thinking that me ex still had some hold over me; that I may still love her.

I had dealt with the break up knowing I had tried everything and she didn't love me and her coming back sent me into turmoil. I decided that it was unfair to put my new girlfriend through anymore pain when my head is still in a mess so broke up with her. She says she'll give me time to get myself together and wants me back.

I've lost about two stone during this period, been sick for a solid month, cried more than during the previous fifteen years and have literally aged five years! My head is well and truly wrecked at this stage.

I'm not sure I'm able to give up on the life and future I had planned with my (original) ex, but don't know whether I could forgive the way she behaved and treated me. I feel really strongly for my (now ex) GF, and know she loves me, but feel like I can't give her everything she deserves and wants while my head is like this.

Do I just stop myself seeing either? I'd be pretty devastated at loosing both of them, but christ my life would be easier!

Do I try and make a go of it with ex 1, over come my resentment, hope she makes the changes she's promised and try get back what we had or do I give a new love the opportunity to grow, despite some misgivings about the age gap, I love spending time with her; it brought me the only happiness after the breakup?

Advice on my ramblings are welcome and appreciated.

Thanks

Kevster

If you honestly think that you cannot feel comfortable around this girl again, then you should really consider leaving her, changing your phone number and e-mail, and then just moving on in life. This time, however, don't give either the chance to contact you again. that was a mistake you made the first time around when you let your ex contact you. When you break up, you should leave the ex in the past and only look to the future.

Kevin

Liam Byrne

Once sentence stands out here for me

She says she'll give me time to get myself together and wants me back.

That shows that someone actually gives a **** about you, and it ain't the original g/f, who seems to have come running to get what she knows she can't have.

You cheated, and to be fair to her the "new" g/f has given you one chance; if she'd posted here she would have gotten lots of advice about how to dump you.

But she hasn't, and she's shown that she cares about what you're going through; I wouldn't waste that if I were you.

Best of luck!

brendansmith

OP you should defo cut contact with the ex, you have to show her that she fu(ked you over and no one gets to do that to you. That you wont stand for it.

It for your own prides sake.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Once sentence stands out here for me



That shows that someone actually gives a **** about you, and it ain't the original g/f, who seems to have come running to get what she knows she can't have.

You cheated, and to be fair to her the "new" g/f has given you one chance; if she'd posted here she would have gotten lots of advice about how to dump you.

But she hasn't, and she's shown that she cares about what you're going through; I wouldn't waste that if I were you.

Best of luck!

+1

This new girl has forgiven you for the ultimate betrayal.... DO NOT make her regret this choice. Your ex sounds like little more than a BlTCH and you're better off without her. Delete her number, change yours if needs be, or get it blocked. Make it clear to your ex you're not interested.

This new woman sounds like something special my man, and take it from someone who knows, there aren't that many good women floating about.

starchild

based on your op most people would tell you forget about your ex and stay with current girl

however no one can predict the future exactly so your decision comes down to

- Who do you love the most & ideally would like to spend rest of your life with

if you are true to this then you are taking the right path at this time

If you base your decision on whom is most likely to stay with you in future then you are not being true to yourself or fair to the girl

stevelknievel

Starchild is right to an extent. To be honest man, the original woman is going to play on your mind. And, unfortunately, she probably will do for a couple years to come. At this point you are of course thinking back to what it was like with her. The familiarity and all the good memories you created together will stand out more purely because there are more memories there than with your new ex. And it will be easier because you know each other so well and have been through so much together. You probably will be inclined to chose her. But think of what she did to you. I didn't read that post 2 months ago, but from the sounds of it she was a bit of bitch. This might be a bit harsh and no reflection on you, but it sounds like she thought she was better than she was and she could have found a new fella by now. But she hasn't so you'll do for a while. On the other hand you have a new woman who, although you have only known a very short period of time, you are falling for. And she obviouly really cares for you too. She understood the betrayal and stuck by you. Even when you dumped her she didn't kick up a fuss. She said she would give you your space. I know very little of the situation, but on paper, she sounds like a keeper. Starchild is right. Make your choice for the right reasons. But make it very carefully.

MagicMarker

OP, I say grow up, get rid of both of them and sort your head out. You're a grown man for christ sake, this is playground stuff.

AnonoBoy

Funny how ex-girlfriends and boyfriends who wanted nothing to do with you suddenly come back on the scene when they get wind that you may be happy with someone else. Everyone loves attention and nobody likes to see an ex become happy with someone else before they themselves have found someone.

My advice (and this comes with the weight of experience in these headf*ck matters) is forget your ex. She had her chance with you and she didn't want you. Who's to say that she won't toss you aside again for the very same reasons when she grows tired? I know it seems hard but it's for the best.

As for the new girl - well only time will tell. But the fact that she forgave you sleeping with your ex means she's either very naive or she's really really into you and very understanding.

Get clear of both of them for a while. Get your head together and then if you think there's something there with the new girl then go back to her and state your case. Don't be surprised if she doesn't wait around for long though.

Wibbs

People often want what they can't have. They really really want what they thought they had, but now don't. Sounds like your ex. I would avoid tbh. It may work out, but unless something has changed radically(in a couple of months?) then you'll be back to square one after the mini honeymoon ends.

The new person sounds very understanding. I would take a step back from both as the way you are now, rebound boy is your future title. There's three in the relationship. The very definition of rebound.

LegacyUser

Did you really love your first girlfriend? Everyone can make mistakes and if you don't give it another try you may always regret it.Now maybe not the right time but I would not totally burn your bridges either. Do you feel she really still loves you and is sorry for her actions?I let go of a person who mean't the world to me, I had so much in common with them but over something very trivial (which I only see now) I let them go. Did she do something that you really can not forgive? Do you think in the future the things that are holding you back now may seem trivial?I started seeing someone else but although a lovely kind person, I just did not have the same connection. I worry that the connection you have with this new person is that you respect them for being there for you at a time when you were very vulnerable. I also feel that you feel that you may feel guilty and that you owe something to this new girl because of what you did. You say she is older, it sounds like she would put up with anything. I can't help wondering if she almost sees you as her last shot.Does she make you feel as happy as your old girlfriend did? It is very hard to compare a long term relationship with a short term one that is very much in the honeymoon stage. I feel at the moment that the best thing you can do is be on your own. I don't know how quickly you started seeing this new girl after your first one but did you give yourself time to get your self straight. If not I think you need to give yourself a break from both of them and get your own head straight. Only than do I feel you will be in a position to make an informed decision about either of them. Above all never make do, This new girl may be lovely but if she does not light your fire like the first girl did than it's a no winner, you will always look back. Don't make the mistake I did and leave it out of bitterness for what my ex did, only to be devestated to see them walking down the street arm in arm with someone else. Can you see a future without her (first ex)in it?Do you really see a future with this new girl, can she give you all you want? I am sorry to ask so many questions but I am just trying to get an idea of your feelings for these two girls.

LegacyUser

Was the meeting ith the first Ex a one off? Do you still see the last Ex?

jesse 1972

One of the things that I find difficult in these situations is we only hear one side of the story. Everyone is assuming the 1st Ex is a bitch, however, no offence mate but were you totally faultless or was there any justification for the way she acted? Maybe not, but I think if she was so bad you would not even be considering taking her back.
You don't say how long you have been seeing Ex number two but I get the impression it has not been long and she loves you!!-Yikes!Next she will be mentioning kids and marriage. Be careful, if there is an age gap as you say there is, you may want totally different things. Although you say you think alot about her, you never say you love her but you do say you think you still love your 1st ex. I do not know what the first Ex did as I did not read the earlier post you wrote. However, what I do know is if you saw a future with the second girl there is no way you would have jeopadised it by seeing the first girl never mind sleeping with her. Also, if you go back to the second girl now it would not be an equal relationship. Although, she might not now she will hold it against you and you will constantly feel like you have to make things up to her. She would be constantly paranoid about you bumping into your ex and it happening again. If she is as nice a girl as you say don't mess her about if there is unfinished issues with your first Ex. The second girl will respect you more in the long run and may prove a lasting friend.
I am presuming by the hurt you felt that you did not want to break up with the first girl and there still seems to be alot of unaswered questions there. You are obviously very hurt and don't feel she deserves another chance but if she is truly sorry and loves you, you have the opportunity to be the bigger person.Not everyone gets a second chance. If she is the one you see your future with, don't be afraid of getting hurt again, the pain of regret lingers much longer.At the end of the day only you know who you are more compatible with, long term but don't let fear overshadow your judgement. After all it would probably be difficult for the first Ex to come back after you have been in a relationship with someone else. I wonder if she knows you have broke up with the second girl and if so, does she still want you back? That would answer the question of whether she only wanted you because you had someone else.
I gather that it must have not been long between relationships. I feel that you are too confused yourself at the moment. You have just substituted one girl for another and as a result your feelings for each are jumbled together. As difficult as it is, don't contact or see either girl for a few weeks. Explain to them and they should understand.Throw yourself into work, friends, hobbies, whatever keeps you busy. Find yourself again and get your head straight. Only then will you see things clearly. Don't be afraid of being single for a while. It is the only way you will get clarity.
Good luck

HeartinBerlin

If you feel that the first girl really is sorry and still loves you I would not let her go. If you still love her you (even though you don't think it now) will grow resentful towards this new girl, Something which I don't think is fair. As much as you like her it could never work while you still had feelings for your original girlfriend

Wagon

Liam Byrne wrote: »

That shows that someone actually gives a **** about you, and it ain't the original g/f, who seems to have come running to get what she knows she can't have.

You cheated, and to be fair to her the "new" g/f has given you one chance; if she'd posted here she would have gotten lots of advice about how to dump you.

But she hasn't, and she's shown that she cares about what you're going through; I wouldn't waste that if I were you.

Best of luck!

Liam's on the ball today Spot on, this new lady is certainly something different.

Another thing to mention is that first girlfriend broke up with you for reason(s) that will rear it's ugly head again. She blamed you and treated you like crap and then dumped you and ignored you and said she wanted to be just friends. Bull****. If she wanted to really be friends she was certainly going the wrong way about it to begin with.

Cut contact. I know you tried that the first time and then an unlucky coincidence kicked you in the balls but don't worry about it anymore, you can't change that. Next time you spot her in the street, ignore her. She's only going to use you. I don't think you need to cut out this new lady just yet. By all means stay single for as long as you need but don't go jumping to conclusions just yet.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think the you love the original girl more. But the new girl is definitely a safer option.

I think you're young enough to take a chance on the high risk option, but I don't think the new girlfriend is young enough for you to build up a few years of unconscious resentment and then leave her for someone you love more, which I think is likely.

Wibbs

I work on the principle that if a persons heart is filled with two, they don't have enough heart for one. Pick one, or better yet step back and work out what you want. You may lose both, but that's better than living a lie IMHO.

orient express

You say you broke up with the first girl THREE months ago an your already so involved in another relationship. I'm sorry but in my eyes that is a recipe for disaster. I really don't feel that after such a short time you could have such strong feelings for this new girl. In my opinion it is more likely that you are projecting the feelings that you actually have for the first girl onto the second.
No offence to this new girl as I'm sure she is very nice but she must be a bit desperate or a doormat to put up with you sleeping with your ex so early in your relationship. A longer relationship could possibly survive such a betrayal as the foundations would be there but cracks this early!!She is never going to trust you and do you really want to spend he rest of your life having to answer for your every move??
You said you were pretty gutted when the original girl broke up with you. Are you really prepared to loose her again?If it only happened three months ago she obviously realised she had made a mistake pretty quickly.If you really love her you should thank your lucky stars that you have got another chance. I don't know how relations are with either ex but it probably took an awful lot for the original girl to come back and admit she had made a mistake. She may now think you no longer want her and move on herself, she is unlikely to throw herself at your mercy for a second time. Don't leave it to late, realise she is the one you want only to find she has forced herself to move on. I'm afraid it happens all the time. If you have any doubt don't let her go.Above all don't let your foolish pride stop you from going back, us guys are bloody terrible at that. Your relationship may have needed this and you may have a much stronger one as a result.

jesse 1972

Hi, I was just wondering what you decided to do in the end. I hope things are getting a bit clearer for you. Best of luck