Girlfriend cheated

LegacyUser

hi there, have just found out my gf of 5 years cheated on me at the weekend. i am devastated. she says she is sorry it was not meant to happen etc. I am mada but her but what should i do . She says it meant nothing, but surely sleeping with someone must mean something

cojomo2

tomywomy wrote: »

hi there, have just found out my gf of 5 years cheated on me at the weekend. i am devastated. she says she is sorry it was not meant to happen etc. I am mada but her but what should i do . She says it meant nothing, but surely sleeping with someone must mean something

while i was reading this i thought you ment cheated as in kissed. The reason i thought this is as she said 'it was not ment to happen'' which can be true if it was a kiss as it cud have just happened without any planning...

however this is clearly not the case..to actually go home with sm1 and sleep with them doesnt just happen..before she actually slept with him(in the lead up to it) she knew what was going to happen and decided to go with it..

i feel for you dude, its a terrible thing to have to deal with..but i think that even if you try to forgive her , it will always have a negative effect on your relationship down the line..you will feel bitter and have a chip on your shoulder...

i would end it..very hard decesion tho..but time is a great healer..enjoy some single life and time with ur mates, and u will eventually meet sm1 else..

oh by the way..how did u find this out?

meditraitor

tomywomy wrote: »

but surely sleeping with someone must mean something

It means you should finish with her.

tismenotyou

while sleeping with someone may have ment nothing to her due to drink or whatever
you need to ask yourself what it means to you !
and has it happened befor /is it likely to happen again
trust is a major issue here 5 years is a long time to throw away
take some time to think about whats right for you ..

MagicMarker

No one can tell you what to do. But I can tell you what I'd do.

I'd dump her ass.

Wagon

tomywomy wrote: »

hi there, have just found out my gf of 5 years cheated on me at the weekend. i am devastated. she says she is sorry it was not meant to happen etc. I am mada but her but what should i do . She says it meant nothing, but surely sleeping with someone must mean something

You ask yourself and answer very honestly if you can forgive her and never bring this up again. Also ask yourself will you drive yourself slightly mad with worry every time she goes out, can you trust her on her own again etc...

If you answered 'no' to any of those at all, then break up with her. It's easy to say 5 yerars is a lot to throw away but seriously, why settle for that crap? Sleeping with someone else is way out of line.

jim o doom

There are a lot of different things to look at here; How did you find out about this? If she told you, then I would assume it's the first time it has happened as she told you herself.. more background would be good so it's easier to see through the muddy aul waters.
however
If she had kissed someone, that is one thing; sleeping with another personis not, and can never be an accident. It is an active decision; a place for the act to occur must be found, the act itself is a decision which is made and then carried out. This basically means she was out & chose to sleep with someone else; there may be mitigating factors, i.e. alcohol or whatever, but for me, the trust would be gone & it would never return. That ultimately means that it should be curtains for the relationship as sleeping with another person is about a serious breach of your other halves trust as you can possibly make, bar raping or killing one of their close family.. I couldn't live with it and would be gone like a shot.
In your case, you may be willing to accept this "mistake" and continue, but you need to look at yourself deep down and decide if you can actually accept it; if you can, then you must accept it and NEVER again bring it up as something you hold over their head as some sort of guilt torture, because that in itself will kill the relationship. If you truly cannot forgive her for what she has done, make a clean break of it and start to get the pieces of your life back in order.

Hard Larry

tomywomy wrote: »

hi there, have just found out my gf of 5 years cheated on me at the weekend. i am devastated. she says she is sorry it was not meant to happen etc. I am mada but her but what should i do . She says it meant nothing, but surely sleeping with someone must mean something

Do a Ronan O'Gara on her and drop kick her into touch. Get rid mate. Head off somewhere and start again.

If it was you in her shoes she'd do the same. She wouldn't class it as meaning nothing if you were the one confessing to her.

5 years is a long time but IMO short enough to get over.

Bite the bullet dude. Its a bad deal but she obviously doesn't love you if she did what she did.

Mr. Incognito

The first tendency we havewhen this happens is what do "I" do wrong. You will initially blame yourself for pushing her away, etc. This is a natural reaction and you need to be aware of it. Someone, especially a long term loved partner cheating on oneself is going to wreck your self confidence and ironically push you back to her for affirmation. It's happened thousands of times to thousands of people.

You have to be aware of it. At this stage you have three choices.

Forgive her.
Dump her and cut all contact.
Split up and remain friends.

As 99% of people will tell you, things like this usually but not always mean the end of a relationship. Only in a minority of cases does it shock the cheating partner into realsing what they had and making honest amends for it. Sadly, this is a minority. The true fact is that you do not cheat on someone you love in an honest, fulfilling relationship. If her needs were not being met it is not a justification to cheat on you.

She may want to split up with you and some people do not have the guts for that conversation and go down the cheating route as a cowards way out.

The fact that it happened the weekend and she went straight to tell you makes this likely. Most people, if they have made a drunken mistake will agonise over it for a time and it's only when guilt kicks in they tell their partner.

She's looking for a way out. You need to man up and give it to her. Expect tears, begging and emotional arguments, but stick to your guns and remember this is HER fault, not YOURS.

partyguinness

You never mentioned...how did you find out?

It means that the 5 yrs together means nothing anymore to her...after 5 years she is more than happy to throw it all away for a quick shag.

She made a blatant decision to take cock from another guy and have him between her thighs gave it to her good and proper..she prob sucked his cock..

I wrote that for a purpose...to shock you into getting a mental picture and then ask yourself why you should continue with her...as hard as it seems you know the answer deep down...

Trust and respect are gone forever.

St Bill

'it wasn't meant to happen'.....so first she cheats on you, and then she insults your intelligence. There was plenty of time for her to realise 'Wait, this isn't right'. If breaking up altogether is too much, it mightn't do you any harm to take a break

who007

partyguinness wrote: »

I wrote that for a purpose...to shock you into getting a mental picture and then ask yourself why you should continue with her....

I think all that stuff probably already went through the poor bastard's mind a couple of hundred times already..

tismenotyou

ahhh but what if the shoe was on the other foot?
think about that for a moment !!

if the op came here looking for advice after he had cheated the weekend ?

there is no need to implant mentel images im sure he well has his own to deal with ..

its easy to say dump her and most of us would dump our partners but time is needed to decide ..jmo

partyguinness

who007 wrote: »

I think all that stuff probably already went through the poor bastard's mind a couple of hundred times already..

You're right..:D but I think its no harm to keep the mind focused in case he is getting soft...personally thats what I would never be able to forget and so it would have to end...

If I had cheated on the g/friend at the wend and she found out, I would give myself the boot...trust and respect gone...

DeCoR18

She's put your health at serious ****ing risk don't forget.

smileykey

Most people would have dumped her already, I get the feeling you want to work out a way to not dump her, if not, why would you ask?

Do you think you'd be able to get passed this, forgive her and learn to trust her again, cause if not then there's no point trying.

Do you want to stay with her because it feels right or because you're afraid of being alone again and you've gotten so used of her been there the thought of not having her there terrifies you?

Think thats what I would be asking myself if I were in your position.

I hope you come through this ok

DeCoR18

partyguinness wrote: »

You're right..:D but I think its no harm to keep the mind focused in case he is getting soft...personally thats what I would never be able to forget and so it would have to end...

If I had cheated on the g/friend at the wend and she found out, I would give myself the boot...trust and respect gone...

Completely agree with you, what you said was needed imo, the idea of another man doing that to your woman.... I'm not sure if theres anything in the world that would enrage me more, and the rage would not be directed towards the fella.

Darr3nG

Dude, sorry for your troubles...

Same **** happened me (10yrs n' 2 kids later...)

All the previous advice is correct, but it will be your decision in the end of the day.

From my side, I first went into denial, cause this was my life. So I went the "forgive and forget" (at least not mention it, anyway!) - but it did **** me up, the paranoia and anxiety whenever she would leave the house...

I don't do anger - my kids don't need to see that - but at that time I had no outlet, nobody to talk to. So my first advice to you is find someone, a mate or family member and get all the emotional **** outta the way (I know, we're Irish and don't do emotion...but, try), cause you won't be thinking clearly till you do. Took me quite a while, but eventually I opened up; talk about a weight being lifted!

After that, I was able to make the decision to leave. 3 years on, I'm still not completey over her, but living my life again. We're still good friends and do the family stuff with the kids n' all. In your case, if you decide to leave, then physically go away somewhere. If you don't have any ties (house, kids etc.) it'll speed up the process of getting over her.

hungryjohnjohn

The next time she goes out what will be running through ur mind.If theres no trust theres no point. DROP HER

Jimmy Bottlehead

Dump the silly tart. You can do better. A girl (or guy for that matter) who can't keep her legs closed for five minutes is much like a chocolate teapot - highly useless.

gabigeist

She's tainted but you could try shagging the taint out of her. Nothing to lose...

Wibbs

A drunken snog is one thing and a bad thing at that, a roll in the hay is quite another. Does she know this guy for any length of time? If so the premeditated thing is more likely. If she doesn't know him, then there could still be premeditation, but not in the way you may think.

When you find out you've been cheated on, you try and logically go through the steps that get this person into this situation. You wonder was he/she thinking about this before it happened. I would say in most cases of cheating, pretty much yes. Now this doesn't mean they were even thinking about a particular person, but they were thinking in the back of their head that this option was on the table, where it wasn't before. The reasons for it being on the table are a reflection of the state of the current relationship and what they feel the state is. Throw in heavy duty horniness (and if she knew the guy, heightened emotions) and she just jumped. Jumped, went through the whole thing and only afterward is she left with the self justification and guilt.

I've been the guy(on more than one occasion in the past) who someone has cheated on and this is just my experience. In every case but one, I didn't know they were in a relationship. No clue. You wouldn't have spotted it. I thought it was just two people meeting and being attracted etc. I wasn't trying to push them, Hell I couldn't pick up the plague in 14th century Venice. They were doing as much of the running as me. Of course one thing led to another and at that point you would really have not had a clue there was a boyfriend in the background. The change in them immediately or very soon after was marked. That's when I found out. Then they blamed the drink or it was a mistake or (insert excuse here). At no point before the sex, did these issues come up. Now maybe I'm just a crap shag and they had second thoughts when they saw my morning face, but my read on it is that they wanted something, the guy they were with was starting to lose their interest and I was a distraction or way of them seeing what else was out there. They ignored the moral angle and just went on pure lust and emotional state.

I'm sure women will tell you pretty much the same with their experiences from the other side(though I suspect the guilt in more men is delayed).

This is probably why she came straight to you. Assuage her guilt. Further justify to herself that she's not all bad as after all she admitted it.

the questions I would be asking are, why in the first place? Excuses like drink or it was in the moment are just that, excuses. I'm quite sure that 3 years ago she may have been equally drunk or fancied someone momentarily, but she didn't shag them. Listen to your own heart. Step back from the emotional panic of losing her if you can. Ask yourself truthfully, could you trust her again? Could you trust your own feelings not to come back to haunt you if you did forgive her? I would say if this guy was a stranger then you have more leeway. If she knows him, then the chances are pretty high she's been emotionally cheating wth him for longer.

TBH after 5 years, it may be worth fighting for, but if it was me I would be joining the chorus here of dump her arse and don't look back.

Ronan|Raven

I would show her the door.

LegacyUser

Dude, I feel for you. I recently dumped my girlfriend for the same thing.
5 years is a long time to be with someone. You need to have a very long talk with her. Make her do all the talking if possible. Dont get mad if you can, cos you might say something you dont want to. You need to find out exactly why this happened. Then go away and have a long think about what you are giong to do. Better still throw it out here, the vast majority of the people here will help you as best they can (it worked for me).
The main question you need to be able to answer is, can you ever fully trust her again?

[Jackass]

Sorry man, but sleeping with someone, no excuses, no ifs and's or but's, that's the deepest betrayel you can ever put on someone you love. Sorry or not, in my eyes it's unforgivable and there's no coming back from that. I'd dump her on the spot.

Even if you do think you can fogive her, is it wise to do so? Is the relationship tainted? Is this something that will play on your mind in years to come, she gave her body to someone else whilst with you? Could you ever trust her again? SHOULD you ever trust her again? Will it drive you insane if she goes away with the girls for a weekend or something? So many things man...

You can't come back from that..