Why can I not stop doing what I know is wrong?

LegacyUser

I'm unregged for this because its a sensitive issue involving someone else...

I met someone 7 months ago and we really hit it off. Everything seemed brilliant at first but then the person basically said that they weren't able to be a good other half, so we shouldn't see each other anymore. I was upset, but got over it. This person then came back to me soon after and said they'd made a mistake etc. I resisted at first but eventually caved. I am so attracted to this person, and really have brilliant craic with them, its like they're magnetic...something I've never experienced before.

Since then we have seen each other fairly regularly, and been in a lot of contact. We haven't committed to anything though (I have seen someone else in this time), we live far away from each other and still they don't feel they can be a good partner, and frankly neither do I. Here is where the problems start. This person has SERIOUS issues. Issues that need professional help, they recently lied to me about a personal issue they were having for a long time and in specific terms, only to confess that it wasn't true. Elements of it were, but generally it wasn't.

This person has lied to me, let me down, and disappointed me. But they have also been there for me, boosted my confidence, and given me some really great times.

I know I shouldn't be in touch with them. I know that I should cut it off because no matter what I deserve better than someone who is so screwed up they can't handle a relationship, than someone who lies and deceives me, and someone who can't be a consistent good influence on my life. But I continue to accept apologies, and continue to be in touch with them. WHAT IS MY DEAL? If this was one of my friends I would be banging their head against the wall. I'm banging my own head against the wall! I'm acting like a domestic violence victim or something...someone who says, "yes, I know thats bad; but when its good its so good!" What will it take for me to cut this person off? I don't know if theres much point to this post but I'm just so exasperated I don't know what to do with myself.

All advice welcome.

LegacyUser

Do you love her?

MagicMarker

I think you know exactly what you have to do.

Time to pull the finger out and do it. No one here can do it for you.

There are plenty of good people out there that can offer you the good times, without lying or being deceitful.

DamoKen

if you'd been seeing this person for years, or lived with them and this behaviour had only started to occur recently I might have suggested trying to sort things out. But what you have here is not a relationship, it's only been going on 7 months so it's not like you can't remember what it was to be without them. You've said yourself you saw someone else during this time, that alone should be enough to tell you neither of you are ready for a relationship, at least with each other.

Get out now, cut contact in all forms and get on with your life. You are basically flogging a dead horse and trying to form a relationship with someone who has told you clearly that it's not a good idea, and by the sounds of things they are right, to actually go ahead with this sounds like a very bad idea. At the moment if you finish it yes it will hurt, but you'll be surprised at how quickly you can get over it.
If you continue as you are you will just build up emotional credit that will almost certainly have to be cashed in at a future date, and at that stage it is almost guaranteed to hurt a hell of a lot more.

miss_shadow

Time to cut the cord!no matter what you do otherwise will always result in an overdrawn painful experience which is a total waste of energy.

LegacyUser

If this person has had serious issues, then you should understand how difficult these issues might be and how this affects their behavior. You are correct to accept apologies and if you continue to help this person then maybe they will feel like a better other half which you want. I don't think you should abandon this person if they have serious issues, it's at times like these they need you the most.

Try to look past the deception and lies, because we all tell lies, but you should accept the fact they were upfront and honest about the situation. I believe if you give things time and a chance, it could turn out better than you think. Personally, I've told lies recently to a friend and got caught out, I turned out better because I became more honest, and respect them more for not cutting all contact especially as I'm going through a lot of personal issues at the moment which describes the person whom you want to cut contact with.

I'd say give things another chance, see this person through their problems and at least you will be good friends, and maybe something else will develop hopefully. Be optimistic! Ciao.

LegacyUser

I really don't think you should cut contact at all. See it through to the end. Things will change for the better and you won't regret it. I've seen it before.

What do you think you'll do?

kittensoft1984

Hi OP,

I have been like the person you describe in the past.

As head wrecking as it may be I agree with the last 2 posters. Try not to cut contact. It may be that this person has extremely low self esteem and self confidence which is why they don't think they would make a good other half. Maybe you could change this?

As for the lying, people do it all the time. Maybe they thought this was a way of getting your attention?

All im saying is, try giving it a go if you like this person.

Best of luck

Húrin

I think you should help him with his problems since you like each other.

It's hard to give advice if we don't know anything about what his problem is.

The lie might not have been an act of free will really. So forgive if you can.

LegacyUser

You described the friendship as "Magnetic"...very few can describe a relationship as good as this...hold on to it...if you try to pull magnets apart, they will always come back together...

We tell lies for a range of different reasons:

(i) Maybe we are ashamed of something.
(ii) Maybe we feel something is unimportant.
(iii) We could do it for attention.
(iv) Maybe telling the truth is very difficult...

So as you can see, it's not as clear cut as "They told a lie - so they are wrong." Be mature enough to see through that and support this friend and ultimately, things will work out for the best.