Still living with ex

LegacyUser

Hi all. I'm just looking for a bit of advice from people who might have been in a similar situation.

2 months ago I broke up with my GF of 4+ years. She is still living with me although she is moving out in a couple of weeks. The break-up was a mutual decision and we agreed to remain on speaking terms as we knew it would be very awkward with both of us living under the same roof. We also agreed that if we met anyone on a night out we would not bring them back to our place.

Anyway, all was going well up until last weekend. I had a bit of a mental Christmas and decided to stay in on Saturday night but she went out on the town. To make a long story short I was woken in the middle of the night by hanky panky sounds coming from her room with another fella. I was upset by this, not jealousy but the fact that she betrayed our agreement and disrespected me by bringing another fella home. I decided I would never speak to her again, never answer the phone if she rang or talk online (when at work). I thought that she held me in a higher regard than that. I must stress we were getting on well like 2 mature adults up until that incident. I've been with a few women since the break up but never brought them back to our place.

She has made a few attempts to talk to me in the past week but I have completely ignored her as I feel that I should not even dignify her with a response. She is moving out in a few weeks and it is a pity that it has had to come to this as we used to confide in each other and always shared a similar kind of humour. The thing is I don't think she even realises from my point of view how hurt I was by what she did.

Has anybody else experienced anything like this?

LegacyUser

Yeah, your not acting like a mature adult really, sulking like. At least air the problem, she broke the agreement. But you know if you didn't arrive home after going out so soon after the break up a few times, she would have probably put 1 + 1 together and maybe thought "Oh it's like that is it? That was pretty quick." Anyway, 2 months is a long time to live together after agreeing to break up, so it was always on the cards IMO. Stop sulking and start talking cause you'll probably loose a good friend. You both decided it was over anyway so move on.

SoWatchaWant

Why were you hurt? Fair enough, she went back on her word, but why bother making that rule at all if you're free from jealousy?

I mean, How much did her bringing someone home inconvenience you? Did it keep you awake? Is that reason enough not to talk to someone again?

It sounds like you might still have feelings for her, to be honest...

Rigor Mortis

Talk to her, tell her your upset and why. The whole point of the plan to date was to act in a mature grown up manner. The not talking thing is something a ten year old would do. I get why your doing it, but it robs you of your integrity.

Good luck

MicraBoy

I decided I would never speak to her again, never answer the phone if she rang or talk online (when at work).

I think that is a fair enough decision to make, however given that she is moving out in a few weeks it would probably be best to wait until she is gone to start it.

She may have excercised poor judgement after a night out, but you would think that as you had been going out for 4 years you could have been man enough to tell her up front you were unhappy with her breaking the agreement.

I think it shows you are more upset about the breakup than you are willing to admit.

MagicMarker

SoWatchaWant wrote: »

Why were you hurt? Fair enough, she went back on her word, but why bother making that rule at all if you're free from jealousy?

I mean, How much did her bringing someone home inconvenience you? Did it keep you awake? Is that reason enough not to talk to someone again?

It sounds like you might still have feelings for her, to be honest...

So what if he has feelings for her? They were together for 4 years and been living together since the break up, he's hardly going to be completely over her. But in fairness to the guy, he just sounds upset at the fact that she would disrespect him like that, after all, they had an agreement and he was kind enough to live up to it, unlike her.

OP, I'd suggest talking to her, and telling her how she was in the wrong. Then just wait it out until she moves out, and forget about her.

Wibbs

MagicMarker wrote: »

So what if he has feelings for her? They were together for 4 years and been living together since the break up, he's hardly going to be completely over her.

Exactly.

But in fairness to the guy, he just sounds upset at the fact that she would disrespect him like that, after all, they had an agreement and he was kind enough to live up to it, unlike her.

OP, I'd suggest talking to her, and telling her how she was in the wrong. Then just wait it out until she moves out, and forget about her.

+1

junior_apollo

MagicMarker wrote: »

So what if he has feelings for her? They were together for 4 years and been living together since the break up, he's hardly going to be completely over her. But in fairness to the guy, he just sounds upset at the fact that she would disrespect him like that, after all, they had an agreement and he was kind enough to live up to it, unlike her.

OP, I'd suggest talking to her, and telling her how she was in the wrong. Then just wait it out until she moves out, and forget about her.

Couldnt have put it better... great advise

Wagon

That's out of order. You've upheld your agreement, she didn't. And yeah you probably still have feelings for her but that isn't your fault. I don't think any bloke wants to hear his ex having sex in the next room, feelings or her or not. MagicMarker is right though, explain to her why you're pissed off so you can try avoid it happening again. Then ignore her.

Good thing she's pissing off in a few weeks eh?

Dave!

IMO just carry on as you are, wait for her to move out and forget about her.

tbh

her behaviour was bad, granted. But how you react to it is all about you. At the moment, you're acting like a child, to be honest. Tell her it upset you and ask her not to do it again. Then just get on with your life. Carrying around a load of anger doesn't really affect her, just you.

cojomo2

i was in the same situation as you a few years back... as in i broke up with a long term girlfriend while living with her and we still lived together for a couple of months..

this is just my opinion but i think you should get out of there as soon as you can and have nothing to do with her. I dont think you should even have to explain why to her(as some sugested) she is not even worth that. You were together for 4 yrs, even if u have decent break up , ofcourse there will be some feelings left..and ofcourse it was very unpleasant for you to know she was shagging sm1 else in the room next door in your place...on her part, she showed such a lack of respect for you and the 4 yr relationship you had together...

at least u know what she is capable of now , so if (which im sure u didnt) u ever had any doubts whether breaking up with her was the rite decesion, u know it was now...

seriously she is not worth anything..i dont think u are being childish ignoring her..she doesnt deserve anthing from u, just move out and move on..

louisecm

I lived with my ex for a while after we broke up, it was very difficult but we didn't deal with that particular issue as I think we were both too heartbroken to even consider going near anyone else.

I really think you should talk to her, just clear the air. I reckon if you don't you will always look back on your whole relationship with a sour taste in your mouth, and you must have had some good times over the 4 years. Don't let all your memories be tainted by an ending like this. Yes, she was wrong, but I think in the long run you'll benefit from putting your pride aside and speaking to her.

Well that was pretty inconsiderate of her and I think you're rightly annoyed that she went back on her word. I think anyone would be hurt by hearing their ex have sex with someone else shortly after the breakup, whether they still had feelings for the person or not.

It's possible she didn't do this out of any malice, that her head was wrecked and she made a drunken mistake. It's still not right, but it's better than hurting you on purpose. Tell her it wasn't on to behave like that and see what she says.

unhappycamper

Hi OP, very selfish on her behalf screwing someone within earshot after you and her broke up and agreed otherwise, it sounds to me like you could do better anyway, move onwards and upwards you don't need this crap. Never deal or entertain her again and give yourself space away from her until you decide your next move. Tell her she is an idiot and tell her it hurt, that it was to soon and you both agreed, then tell her you need space from her for the next few years and that you don't have time for a childish relationship.

carlowguy32

you should bring a girl back next time your out and make loads of noise and then see how she feels, i bet she brought that fella back to make you jealous, women are so devious, and do you knnow what? her plan is after working and you cant admit it, by ignoring her she knows she has you in the palm of her hand

unhappycamper

carlowguy32 wrote: »

you should bring a girl back next time your out and make loads of noise and then see how she feels, i bet she brought that fella back to make you jealous, women are so devious, and do you knnow what? her plan is after working and you cant admit it, by ignoring her she knows she has you in the palm of her hand

Yeah I was thinking the same thing, she did it to make you jealous and angry.

louisecm

carlowguy32 wrote: »

you should bring a girl back next time your out and make loads of noise and then see how she feels, i bet she brought that fella back to make you jealous, women are so devious, and do you knnow what? her plan is after working and you cant admit it, by ignoring her she knows she has you in the palm of her hand

Eh, its a bit much to tar our entire gender with the devious brush! What she did was wrong but not neccesarily part of a big scheme. Maybe it was, or maybe she was hammered and just insensitive, or maybe she thought he'd be out, or maybe she just genuinely doesn't give a ****. No matter what it was wrong, but writing it off as "women are so devious" is completely unfair. Some women are devious, some men are devious, some PEOPLE are devious.

leinster93

Probably her way of givin you the two fingers b4 she moves out... Bring some bird back if ya get the chance and watch the reaction:eek: (not so nice)

beertons

I feel for ya man, I'd be the same. She showed her true colours, dodged a bullet!

cojomo2

Do not bring a girl back to your place to get back at her...that would be childish..and you would be letting her know that u are hurt and want revenge...which u dont want to do if in fact she was doing this in the hope to get at you...as i said.. just get out and have nothing to do with her

Wagon

louisecm wrote: »

Eh, its a bit much to tar our entire gender with the devious brush! What she did was wrong but not neccesarily part of a big scheme. Maybe it was, or maybe she was hammered and just insensitive, or maybe she thought he'd be out, or maybe she just genuinely doesn't give a ****. No matter what it was wrong, but writing it off as "women are so devious" is completely unfair. Some women are devious, some men are devious, some PEOPLE are devious.

Yeah I agree there's a lot of nice women out there too.

But I don't think she's one of them. You don't just accidently bring someone home and **** him while your boyfriend is in the next room. And I don't hold with the "drank too much" excuse.

Think of it rationally, she was going out with this lad for four years. They break up a few weeks ago. She thinks it okay to **** someone in the next room. Regardless of how much drink you have, those aren't the actions of some who cares about you (even just a little bit). The OP was considerate enough to not subject her to that. And what does she do? The exact opposite. More the actions of a vindictive little self centered gee bag than a drunken ex. All the more reason to tell her how you feel about what she did OP. See her reaction, then decide if she did it on purpose.

Where are all the nice people though?

louisecm

Wagon wrote: »

Yeah I agree there's a lot of nice women out there too.

But I don't think she's one of them. You don't just accidently bring someone home and **** him while your boyfriend is in the next room. And I don't hold with the "drank too much" excuse.

Think of it rationally, she was going out with this lad for four years. They break up a few weeks ago. She thinks it okay to **** someone in the next room. Regardless of how much drink you have, those aren't the actions of some who cares about you (even just a little bit). The OP was considerate enough to not subject her to that. And what does she do? The exact opposite. More the actions of a vindictive little self centered gee bag than a drunken ex. All the more reason to tell her how you feel about what she did OP. See her reaction, then decide if she did it on purpose.

Where are all the nice people though?

As I said, several times, she was clearly wrong. I simply take issue with my entire gender being written off as devious. I'm not saying this girl wasn't neccessarily devious.

Wagon

louisecm wrote: »

As I said, several times, she was clearly wrong. I simply take issue with my entire gender being written off as devious. I'm not saying this girl wasn't neccessarily devious.

I know That's what i was trying to say. Probably should word my posts better...

louisecm

Wagon wrote: »

I know That's what i was trying to say. Probably should word my posts better...

No worries! Anyway, OP, really don't think revenge is the answer here.

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time everyone to post your thoughts.

Just to clear a few things up:
- She does not drink at all so alcohol cannot be used as an excuse.
- I can't move out because I have a lease on the house until July and sheis moving out in 2 weeks.

A little update on events, she has made a lame assed attempt via facebook to apologise. If she wanted to apologise she should do it in person.

I'm leaning in the direction of the people who said to confront her and tell her what I think about the whole situation but I know It'll probably end up in an argument but at least I will have made my point. There is absolutely no jealousy from my part and I do not have any feelings for her anymore, I have moved on with my life.

The people who said it is a childish act to ignore here, I have this to say. I'm doing that because I think it is a complete waste of my breath even speaking to her, I would'nt give her the time of day but as people have advised, I should let her know what I think.

I'll sleep on it tonight and see how I feel in the morning.

Wibbs

There is a third way OP; act as if it never happened. If she is winding you up like a cheap watch, then that'll irritate her no end. If she actually isn't(though that shows a glorious lack of insight on her part) then no harm done. result all around.

CDfm

This wan is unbelieveable - thats mindgame type stuff and weird.

Its as difficult situation - are you keeping the apartment etc and can her moving out like be speeded up in anyway like straight away.

her behavior is the problem.

louisecm

Wibbs wrote: »

There is a third way OP; act as if it never happened. If she is winding you up like a cheap watch, then that'll irritate her no end. If she actually isn't(though that shows a glorious lack of insight on her part) then no harm done. result all around.

You are wise.

Wagon

silence2009 wrote: »

A little update on events, she has made a lame assed attempt via facebook to apologise. If she wanted to apologise she should do it in person.

Yeah, the internet is a great way to apologise to someone you live with. This alone sort of tells me what she is like, and the fact that she was sober all the way through it makes it even worse.

So I'd be leaning more towards the game playing before she moves out. I think she realises that you probably might never see her again cos you'll cut her out (wise move too) So she's just having her last chance at fun before that oppurtunity goes for good.

Wibbs gave a good option (although I wouldn't go with it myself). If it's something you want to get off your chest then say what you want to her. She'll probably get angry and say it's none of your business (something along the lines of "We are broken up! We're just friends now! I can sleep with who I want!" Which is true, but some women just can't grasp the concept that some lads don't want to hear them having sex in the next room. Those women are idiots. She might be one.