If someone has the answer ... share it !

LegacyUser

Hi. Thanks for reading. I'll be as brief as I can.

I am early 30's male, married, nice home, car outside the door etc. etc. etc. Basically not much fear of me.

I am lucky enough to have climbed to being a department head at work. One of my staff has been on my team for more than 3 years now. I originally recruited her, she's fantastic at her job and we've had a brilliant work relationship always. Only thing is that recently ( last couple of months ) I think I've developed feelings for her and can't seem to shake them.

I am thinking it must be only a passing fancy, but it seems to be lasting much longer than I would have thought. She's married and all that too by the way. Fancying her is one thing, but it's also affecting my own ability to perform my job as I usually do.

I get panicked sometimes when she's in my immediate vicinity. Sometimes I get very frustrated with myself for not being able to bring this under control. I know she has spotted that something is up with me, because she sometimes asks if I am ok etc. The reason she asks that is not because I've said anything to her but because she can clearly see my frustration sometimes, I tend to withdraw into myself, stay very quiet and not say much to anyone. Other times I must come across as being totally sick of working there because I could get up from my desk and storm out. Obviously this is not good for any of my staff to see, neither is it good for me to be acting like this. But I can't seem to reign it in.

We've always been quiet "close" as colleagues. There has never been much of a manager/subordinate line in place because there doesn't need to be. We respect each other and know where the lines are drawn. That's great when you can do that because it allows you to be very frank and honest with each other work-wise and just get on with it.

I didn't want this thread to be so much about what I should do, as in do I tell her, or how I think she feels towards me, or any complex nonsense like that. Far as I see it right now we're colleagues, we're both married people, we've got a job to do and I need to work out how I can get myself back on track in that regard.

So that's it really. Does anyone have any advice on how best to get things back to the way they were for me ? It was a nice arrangement, pleasant to work in etc. I want it back so I can have some peace. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be just going away by itself over time.

Any thoughts appreciated, thanks !

beertons

Maybe see if you can get her reassigned to another position, away from you? Im another department?

barbiegirl

I know it's not easy, but my advise, move jobs. Get out of her vacinity, therefor ethe temptation. Being married will not stop you feeling for others, but it is your actions that determine the success of the marriage. This represents a threat and the marriage is more important than the job, so look at moving and get out of there. This is a time to run.

SarahSassy

How is your relationship with your wife? There must be something astray if you are having these feelings for someone else over a long period of time.

estar

hi there

so you have a crush on someone and are letting it affect your work. you won't be the first or last. do you honestly think that just because you are married you will never fancy anyone else, or wonder what if. the nature of many human beings is to crave change and excitement. and while there is instrinsically nothing wrong with this in itself, there are other human needs that must also be considered. the need for intimacy, stability, to generally be a person of morality, a person that others can trust and respect.

i would look deeply at your life at this point, at what your needs are, and where the need to throw away all you have worked so hard for, to tell a work colleague of feelings you have developed over a number of months has come from?

are you bored? seeking a new challenge? is your marraige after plateauing/
are you communicating effectively and being intimate emotionally and otherwise with your wife? are you making as much effort there as you can?

whether you like it or not, you have made a commitment, to your wife, to your children, and to your bosses and work colleagues in a number of ways.
does this mean that you feel trapped?

look behind these feelings you have, and what is driving them? what would you expect to happen after you tell your work colleague? what is the scenario in your mind around that?

how are you feeling and why, and what do you want from life?

start off by putting the i shoulds and i have tos aside for a minute and consider the above question as behind could lie the answer for these feelings of unease, and wanting to go outside your comfort zone.

there are other ways of getting excited in your life without changing everything, which telling your work colleague would undoubtedly do.

estar

running away from these feelings and this situation is not a good idea. what would you advise your best friend in this situation.

i often ask myself this question, and usually i give my friend the advice i cannot seem to formulate for myself.

before you do anything i advise you to talk to someone else you can trust about what is going on, someone in your family, a counsellor, a friend. get more perspectives on this and stop dealing with it on your own.