I can't stand my mother anymore

LegacyUser

hi all,

im a student in the middle of a phd. i live at home with my family, and its unbearable. my mother, in particular, is an absolute nightmare. she constantly moans at me and makes my life miserable. i work very hard, long days in college and then come home still having to read lots and write reports etc.

she's constantly giving me a hard time - constantly berating my girlfriend (who, btw, is the nicest person i've ever met, and nobody ever has a bad word to say about her). every problem my mother has with any aspect of the world is somehow my fault. she constantly accuses me of being lazy, a waster despite the fact that i'm literally only home to sleep and work about 12 hours a day 6 days a week. also she constantly screams at me for working in the house, saying i should be doing it somewhere else and not to be in people's way.

i don't drink, smoke, take drugs, and have never brought a minute's trouble upon my family, yet i'm constantly being told how great my siblings are, and how they're better than me. i would never try to suggest that im superior to anybody, but to be honest, my brothers are total wasters, constantly drinking, dont bother going to work/school half the time and are happy to piss their lives against pub walls, my sister's out till god knows what time every night with toe-rags and father, quite frankly, is a piss head.

recently i mentioned that i was tired, which led to a HUGE argument with her about how I've no right to complain, everyone else has it harder than me because i'm only a student and should just try life in "the real world".

Today, having not spoken to me since that previous agrument, she came to me screaming that she's " not throwing me out, but i'd be happier if you f'ed off with that c**t and moved away". now, nothing would please me more, but the reason i cant move out is because out of my tiny salary, I'm paying off debts, that i incurred when another member of my family who is 'so much better than me' came and told me they were hiding massive gambling debts and begged me for help. so i got a huge loan to help, even though i know said family member would probably be too lazy to piss on me if i was on fire.

i really need some advice, i don't know what to do. my mother has been constantly putting me down for years since i decided to go to college and i can't take it anymore. im considering just packing in my phd and getting some job somewhere and starting over, but i've worked so hard for years to get here and it would kill me inside to do this.

I know it probably seems like im just a cry baby but i cant even touch on how bad things are because i'd be writing all day.

can anyone advise me on what to do?

metrovelvet

menopause?

Trinity

Shes jealous, plain and simple. Resents you and the future you have ahead of you.

Are you the eldest by chance?

You actually sound like you are the one in the family that will make something of themselves.

As a mother she should be proud and support you.

I dont know what advice to give but i really think you should move out, find a way, seriously.

I'd tell her about the debts and tell her you would be happy to move out if someone will take the loan on. Might open her eyes a little to whats going on around he she is obviously in denial.

dolliemix

Dont give up the PHD. To be honest I cant believe you've made it that far with such pyschological and emotional abuse going on in the background. The relation seriously needs to get that money back to you. Speak to his or her parents/brother/sister if you can.....because it sounds like you cant talk reasonably to your mother. It sounds like a nightmare but you really should see through the PHD imo. There aren't many jobs bouncing around at the moment anyway for qualified and experienced people, yet alone someone fresh out of college.

Eric Cartman

my ma annoyed me like that, always naggin me, tryign to find out where i was, commenting on everything i did, i moved out , i can tell you my life is 1000000x better ever since i did

monellia

You need to move out, mang

Gadfly

OP, do not give up your studies.

It's a pity you can't move out as it would be the solution to a lot of this negative energy that you are putting up with. It's bound to be adversely affecting your emotional health. You have done well coming this far with your course especially under all this strain. Frankly, your mother should be proud of you and what you are trying to achieve. She has some serious issues of her own and that's why she is projecting her anger at you.

Don't feel in any way that you are in some way to blame.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP here,

thanks for the responses. as far as the debt issue is concerned, i may as well say that it's my fathers, and there'd be war if anyone found out - and then that would also be my fault i'm sure, and as stupid as that sounds, its true. i feel like bleedin' cinderella here at this point.

LegacyUser

drop the loan
get the hell out of there
and build up a support network of friends that doesnt include her

its not doing you any good, cant beileve youve stuck with it this long
shell always be youre mother but you should get out of there before you crack up

LegacyUser

You have to look for other options for accommodation. In your case staying at home is just not healthy.

I'm studying also, and found that dealing with family was taking too much of my energy. I've been lucky enough to have friends who offered me a single room in exchange for just paying utility bills.

I know I got lucky, it's really hard to make ends meet when you also have course fee's etc to deal with, but I'd rather be in a bit of debt leaving my course than deal with that ****e every day.

Do you have any friends who you can ask for some help?

LegacyUser

Similar situation with me. Your details are quite scaryily similar, take a look at NPD. I would speak up about taking that loan out if you already haven't. You shouldn't carry anybody else's can when your in need of it yourself. I wouldn't 'bet' (sorry about the pun) about getting that money back - once a gambler nearly always a gambler, and you are the worse for it. Your only answer really is to move out, it's a toxic relationship which TBH will likely only get worse as time goes by. You'll likely never be good enough, neither will your girlfriend (maybe any girlfriend). I would strongly suggest going to a counsellor. You really need to be sure that it really is NPD. But as siblings the effects of a NPD parent can be vastly different - you might scare yourself how accurate a diagnosis is. BTW the general advice is not to confront someone with NPD, you'll only make things worse and enable their negative behaviour towards you. Make the best of the situation as you can (keep doing your PhD if you can) while heading towards the door and your more successful & independent life. Hope this helps.

www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd
http://www.alanrappoport.com/Co-Narcissism%20Article.pdf - check the case studies (you might scare yourself!)

MagicMarker

Do not give up your PHD, you work your ass off for it and when you do get it, be sure to throw it in your mother's face saying ''no thanks to you, you manipulative, selfish cúnt!''.

After that, leave the family home, never to return again so that they can look upon themselves as the wasters that they are, while the golden child lives the life of prosperity.

banshee_bones

OP i really feel for you and i understand it must have been hard to even consider saying no to your dad and all but where ppl with drinking problems are concerned they will bleed you dry. i am sorry but its just the way it is. I would stay out of the house as much as possible until you can find a solution. Can you move in with your GF? split rent and bills there?

whatever you do, PLEASE do not quit your Phd, you have come waay too far.



Best of Luck

BB

x

Leitrim lass

Your mother is obviously jealous and bitter that You are making something of Your life. Being a waster is accepted as normal in Your family wheras you have a nice girlfriend and are doing a phd. This will seen as a huge threat. You choosing this life for yourself is forcing your family and particularly your mother to face their own serious shortcomings which up until now hasn't been challanged. Don't drop your phd. This would only satisfy her. Try moving out if you can but moving out won't cure your mother's issues.
I would really recommend the book 'TOXIC PARENTS overcoming their hurtful legacy ' by Susan Forward. You can get it cheap on amazon.

wolfpawnat

OP you are not alone, I have one of those mothers too. My med student boyfriend is a waster and apparently a woman beater (no he's not btw) and I am not smart enough for an NUI even though I am in UCD. My sis is better than me even though shes in a FETAC course (not saying there is anything bad about them, but they are not the same as a degree) and is in trouble every weekend.

In the end i fled. I am living on nearly no moola a week, but it is worth it. I come home in the evening and all I have to worry about is what do I want to do, its amazing. I have no extra cash and am eating the cheapest of meals, but I wouldnt swap it to go back home, and I am still in college too.

Seriously, you and your gf dont deserve to be spoken to like you are crap on their shoes. if you can get out, even if it means a lifestyle change, try it. It may shut her up! Good Luck:)

It might only be me but I can maybe see where your mother is coming from. I value education, but doing a phd is by no means a necessity. My parents made it clear they were willing to partly support me through my first degree (still had to take out a loan) but anything after that, I was on my own. I'm not talking out of my a*rse here, because I was unable to take up a place on a Masters course this year, not being able to afford the tuition and to support myself for a year. If you're doing a phd, I assume you're at least 22? Are you paying any rent? It doesn't sound like you do much to help around the house since you say you're never home. And as for working in the house, it CAN be annoying for other people if you're taking up the kitchen table all the time or asking people to be quiet so you can study.

It sounds like your mum might feel you're an 'eternal student', that you should have moved out by now and be working and earning your own money. I don't think that's an unreasonable way to think. I'd feel like I was asking a lot of my parents to live at home while completing a phd. Perhaps they feel taken for granted? Not to mention, it can be hard for a lot of people to live at home as adults. My parents are lovely but anytime I'm home for more than a few days (lived away since I was 18), the fights start. Happens to loads of people. Maybe you could give us more details, but it sounds like a bit like you haven't considered the impact you studying for so long has on your parents/family, and the fact that a lot of people would give their right arm to have the chance to do a phd. It really is a 'luxury' for lots of people. I've been working full time for over 18 months now, paying rent and bills and paying off my student loan. It seems unlikely that I'll have saved enough by September, so I'll either have to do a part time course and work or give up on the idea.

recently i mentioned that i was tired, which led to a HUGE argument with her about how I've no right to complain, everyone else has it harder than me because i'm only a student and should just try life in "the real world".

My mother would have reacted the same way, especially if she was working and still supporting me in any way. Maybe she's tired? Maybe she's menopausal? Maybe she's sick of doing all the chores and cooking after working all day and hearing excuses that people are busy and/or tired. I know that's how my mum feels. Perhaps she feels you're a bit self involved and are taking her for granted?

i don't drink, smoke, take drugs, and have never brought a minute's trouble upon my family, yet i'm constantly being told how great my siblings are, and how they're better than me.

I don't know your family but I'd take it with a pinch of salt. My mum thinks the sun shines out of my sister's arse because she goes to Cambridge and is super clever. Anything I do, she does better. I could develop a complex about it but what's the point? It's not nice of my mum but nobody is perfect, and I know she loves me. I've had some advantages of my own, being the eldest child and the first to do everything, now it's my sister's turn to be the 'star' of the family.

LegacyUser

Cedric Melodic Tofu while I value your post and alternative viewpoint... To me at least, it is textbook Narcissism & Co-Narcissism. You've got gambling & alcohol addiction, with controlling, aggressive behaviour. This has nothing to do with the PhD specifically, as this behaviour has likely been there since childhood (and I think he is paying his dues paying his Father's considerable gambling debts), it has more to do with not being controlled especially now that the OP is in adulthood. The fact that the OP is even going for a PhD could be considered a co-narcisstic effect, probably unconciously, to show that they are infact special & worthy. Which, maybe to their amazement would piss the narcisstic influence (who likely could never achieve such a feat) off mightily instead of being happy for them and trying to help them to achieve that worthy goal. In times of recession or not. But that's just my opinion. Obviously only the OP can know for sure with the help of a professional.

I agree that could be the case. But there is no need for an adult to be living at home in most cases. My family probably aren't as dysfunctional as the OP's, and I wouldn't put myself in that situation. If the OP were 16 or 17 and still at school, it would be a different matter, but as a grown adult, why CHOOSE to live like this? I know plenty of people from difficult backgrounds (alcohol abuse, nasty stepparents, violent siblings) and they all moved out at the first opportunity. Even people with 'normal', nice families find it hard to live at home in lots of cases. It's possible that OP's mother has a personality disorder, but we're only getting one side of the story here.

seanybiker

Tell your mother that you would happily move out, but have to wait for your father to pay off the loan. It might start a bit of an argument but at least it will be out in the open. She might then cop on thet you are trying your hardest and are obviously been held back.

Whatever you do, do not give up your phd.

MagicMarker

[quote=[Deleted User];58558001]It might only be me but I can maybe see where your mother is coming from. I value education, but doing a phd is by no means a necessity.[/QUOTE]

What the hell kind of statement is that!? Maybe the OP would like to pursue a career in which a PHD is a necessity? Maybe he is not just doing it for shíts and giggles?

Seriously, that comment is just beyond ridiculous.

[quote=[Deleted User];58558001]My parents made it clear they were willing to partly support me through my first degree (still had to take out a loan) but anything after that, I was on my own. I'm not talking out of my a*rse here, because I was unable to take up a place on a Masters course this year, not being able to afford the tuition and to support myself for a year. If you're doing a phd, I assume you're at least 22? Are you paying any rent? It doesn't sound like you do much to help around the house since you say you're never home. And as for working in the house, it CAN be annoying for other people if you're taking up the kitchen table all the time or asking people to be quiet so you can study. [/QUOTE]

By the sounds of it the OP is constantly working, be it in college, at home or in whatever job provides the ''tiny salary'' that he uses to pay off the debts that are not even his own, but that of a family member who's ass he saved!

[quote=[Deleted User];58558001]It sounds like your mum might feel you're an 'eternal student', that you should have moved out by now and be working and earning your own money. I don't think that's an unreasonable way to think. I'd feel like I was asking a lot of my parents to live at home while completing a phd. Perhaps they feel taken for granted? Not to mention, it can be hard for a lot of people to live at home as adults. My parents are lovely but anytime I'm home for more than a few days (lived away since I was 18), the fights start. Happens to loads of people. Maybe you could give us more details, but it sounds like a bit like you haven't considered the impact you studying for so long has on your parents/family, and the fact that a lot of people would give their right arm to have the chance to do a phd. It really is a 'luxury' for lots of people. I've been working full time for over 18 months now, paying rent and bills and paying off my student loan. It seems unlikely that I'll have saved enough by September, so I'll either have to do a part time course and work or give up on the idea. [/QUOTE]

I can't think of too many parents that would have a problem with a child deciding to stay home for a few more years if it was to work towards getting a PHD. In fact I'd be surprised if they wouldn't encourage it, aren't parents supposed to want the best for their children?

It sounds like you have a pretty dysfunctional family, 2 days home and you start arguing? I'm 25 and haven't had a ''fight'' with my mother since I was a teenager.

[quote=[Deleted User];58558001]My mother would have reacted the same way, especially if she was working and still supporting me in any way. Maybe she's tired? Maybe she's menopausal? Maybe she's sick of doing all the chores and cooking after working all day and hearing excuses that people are busy and/or tired. I know that's how my mum feels. Perhaps she feels you're a bit self involved and are taking her for granted? [/QUOTE]

Maybe she'd like to take over the debt that the OP has took on? We don't know the OP's circumstances or what his mother does for him, if anything.

Regardless, I don't care what the circumstances, who's living at home, who pays for what or what chores are being ignored. A mother does not say to her son...

''not throwing you out, but i'd be happier if you f'ed off with that c**t and moved away''.

That's just beyond disrespectful and completely uncalled for. It's quite clear in this case, that the mother is nothing but a complete, cold heart bítch. Instead of berating and bordering on abusing her son, she should be encouraging and supporting his efforts to achieve academic success in any way she can, and be proud of the fact that she has a son willing to work hard to further himself and give himself the best possible chance for the future.

Heckler

[quote=[Deleted User];58559818]I agree that could be the case. But there is no need for an adult to be living at home in most cases. My family probably aren't as dysfunctional as the OP's, and I wouldn't put myself in that situation. If the OP were 16 or 17 and still at school, it would be a different matter, but as a grown adult, why CHOOSE to live like this? I know plenty of people from difficult backgrounds (alcohol abuse, nasty stepparents, violent siblings) and they all moved out at the first opportunity. Even people with 'normal', nice families find it hard to live at home in lots of cases. It's possible that OP's mother has a personality disorder, but we're only getting one side of the story here.[/QUOTE]

Tons of reasons to still be at home for the OP. I was at home till I was 31. By the time I had the resources to move out my father fell ill and as I was the only one left at home I stayed to help my mother look after him. Moved out shortly after he died. All my siblings do a lot better than me, financialy etc. Ones a very high positioned consultant and so on but I never got any grief or put downs from either of my parents. Only support in everything I tried. Maybe the OP's mother is just a thundering bitch. It happens !!

What the hell kind of statement is that!? Maybe the OP would like to pursue a career in which a PHD is a necessity? Maybe he is not just doing it for shíts and giggles?

Are YOU serious? A phd is NOT a necessity, pure and simple. Wouldn't lots of people like to do one to further their career or because they love the subject? Nobody NEEDS one, and nobody needs to rely on their parents at age 22+ to be able to do one. Everyone I know who is doing one is 100% self supporting, either through grants or working part time. Do you really think anyone who wants to do a phd has the right to be supported to some extent by their parents? When does it stop? Most of my colleagues work half days and study for their doctorates in the afternoons/evenings. My ex is doing a phd in engineering and he lives away from home. Who are these people who couldn't possibly manage on their own?

By the sounds of it the OP is constantly working, be it in college, at home or in whatever job provides the ''tiny salary'' that he uses to pay off the debts that are not even his own, but that of a family member who's ass he saved!

I'm not denying it must be hard for him. But loads of people do postgrads and work and live in rented flats - do you think they tell their flatmates they can't ever clean the place because they're busy? The loan, yes that's unfortunate, but at the end of the day he chose to take it out, and lots of people have debts that aren't their 'fault'.

I can't think of too many parents that would have a problem with a child deciding to stay home for a few more years if it was to work towards getting a PHD. In fact I'd be surprised if they wouldn't encourage it, aren't parents supposed to want the best for their children?

We obviously live in different worlds then. Since when are adults of 22+ considered 'children'? Most parents I know are happy to help/support their offspring through college, and then they're expected to make their own way. It's no longer my parents' problem if I can't afford a course or pay my rent. Obviously they help me out if I'm stuck, but I'd feel a bit pathetic burdening them any further for my education.

It sounds like you have a pretty dysfunctional family, 2 days home and you start arguing? I'm 25 and haven't had a ''fight'' with my mother since I was a teenager.

Good for you, here's a lollipop. What on earth does my family dynamic have to do with you? The point is, I don't live at home and then complain about it. I complained about it when I was 16 and had no choice. Doing so now would be a bit pathetic and would result in people asking me why the hell I didn't move out. One of the good things about being an adult is you can decide what to do with your own life.

Regardless, I don't care what the circumstances, who's living at home, who pays for what or what chores are being ignored. A mother does not say to her son...

''not throwing you out, but i'd be happier if you f'ed off with that c**t and moved away''.

That's just beyond disrespectful and completely uncalled for. It's quite clear in this case, that the mother is nothing but a complete, cold heart bítch. Instead of berating and bordering on abusing her son, she should be encouraging and supporting his efforts to achieve academic success in any way she can, and be proud of the fact that she has a son willing to work hard to further himself and give himself the best possible chance for the future.

I agree, it is a cruel comment. But again, the OP HAS A CHOICE. She is clearly NOT supportive for whatever reason, so his option is to move out. You seem to be basing your opinions on what people 'should' do on your own circumstances. Most people don't have parents who give them a big gold star for doing well and working hard. It's the very least my parents expect of me. I'm not going to turn round and tell them they should be grateful I don't do drugs and that they should fund me forever because I'm such a nice person. Just because your parents wouldn't have a problem supporting you as an adult doesn't mean most wouldn't. Even the most spoiled of my friends is now fully supporting herself after graduating from college, and almost all of them are middle class with educated parents. We will have to agree to disagree, but as far as I'm concerned, relying on your parents after 21-22 is absolutely NOT the norm.

I don't know what exactly you would advise the OP. His mother might well be a total cow, but she's the mother he has and she's hardly about to undergo a dramatic personality change. He has to make the best of the situation he's in, which means getting away from her for the time being before his mental health suffers any further. That's really his only option. Complaining about his mother might get it off his chest but it doesn't make his everyday living situation any better!

LegacyUser

OP thats emotional abuse that your mother is flinging your way and your doing so well to rise above it and actually get your work done, I think that you should tell your father to clean up his own mess and start paying off his loan, or else threaten to expose him for the gambler that he is. I know that sounds harsh but f**k it, he doesn't seem to be offering you any support when your mother is attacking you. Is there any chance you could qualify for social assistance if you moved out, if you're not earning alot of money, I don't know if its a part time job or what, but you could qualify for rent allowance and at least you'll free from that crap..

Good luck

Toots

[quote=[Deleted User];58560397]Are YOU serious? A phd is NOT a necessity, pure and simple. [/QUOTE]

Perhaps not, but surely if he's come this far and put in such hard work for it, it'd be madness to jack it all in at this stage.
OP, what does your GF do for a living, is she still studying too? Would there be any way that you could both move into a room in a house somewhere, the rent would probably be cheap enough split between the two of you, and at least you'd be out of the house. If that's not an option, then I suppose you'll have to tough it out until you finish the PHD. Do you study in your room or in the kitchen? If you can, try and make yourself as invisible as possible in the house when you're there, and try to spend as much time as you can elsewhere. I know it might cause murder, but I really think you should try and get your dad to take on his gambling debt himself, that way you could be out of the house, and leave them to it.

MagicMarker

[quote=[Deleted User];58560397]Are YOU serious? A phd is NOT a necessity, pure and simple. Wouldn't lots of people like to do one to further their career or because they love the subject? Nobody NEEDS one, and nobody needs to rely on their parents at age 22+ to be able to do one. Everyone I know who is doing one is 100% self supporting, either through grants or working part time. Do you really think anyone who wants to do a phd has the right to be supported to some extent by their parents? When does it stop? Most of my colleagues work half days and study for their doctorates in the afternoons/evenings. My ex is doing a phd in engineering and he lives away from home. Who are these people who couldn't possibly manage on their own?[/QUOTE]

Maybe the OP wants to become a Professor or a Researcher, in which a PHD is usually a requirement? If a PHD wasn't a necessity for something then surely it's very existence would be pointless? Seriously, what you're saying is the equivalent of ''a pilots licence isn't a necessity!'' Of course not, that is, unless you want to be a pilot!!! :rolleyes:

And aren't your colleagues wonderful for living outside of the family home while in college. I'm sure they are more worthy than the tens of thousands of third level students who are currently living at home. Maybe some parents prefer to have their children stay at home, rather than move out and have to work part time and take out loans to support themselves? Maybe they feel this way so that their kids will be able to continue on to do a masters, unlike you? I'd hardly say that's a bad thing, in fact it's rather commendable.

I'm sure the OP doesn't feel he has a 'right' to anything, but he sure as hell has the right to live in peace and not be ridiculed by his own mother!

And by the way, a grant is not ''100% self supporting''.

[quote=[Deleted User];58560397]I'm not denying it must be hard for him. But loads of people do postgrads and work and live in rented flats - do you think they tell their flatmates they can't ever clean the place because they're busy? The loan, yes that's unfortunate, but at the end of the day he chose to take it out, and lots of people have debts that aren't their 'fault'. [/QUOTE]

You're assuming the OP does nothing around the house, why is that?

[quote=[Deleted User];58560397]We obviously live in different worlds then. Since when are adults of 22+ considered 'children'? Most parents I know are happy to help/support their offspring through college, and then they're expected to make their own way. It's no longer my parents' problem if I can't afford a course or pay my rent. Obviously they help me out if I'm stuck, but I'd feel a bit pathetic burdening them any further for my education. [/QUOTE]

I didn't use the term 'children' literally, I used it in reference to an offspring. For instance, you will always be your mothers child, regardless of your age.

[quote=[Deleted User];58560397]Good for you, here's a lollipop. What on earth does my family dynamic have to do with you? The point is, I don't live at home and then complain about it. I complained about it when I was 16 and had no choice. Doing so now would be a bit pathetic and would result in people asking me why the hell I didn't move out. One of the good things about being an adult is you can decide what to do with your own life. [/QUOTE]

You brought up your family's dynamic, not me.

[quote=[Deleted User];58560397]I agree, it is a cruel comment. But again, the OP HAS A CHOICE. She is clearly NOT supportive for whatever reason, so his option is to move out. You seem to be basing your opinions on what people 'should' do on your own circumstances. Most people don't have parents who give them a big gold star for doing well and working hard. It's the very least my parents expect of me. I'm not going to turn round and tell them they should be grateful I don't do drugs and that they should fund me forever because I'm such a nice person. Just because your parents wouldn't have a problem supporting you as an adult doesn't mean most wouldn't. Even the most spoiled of my friends is now fully supporting herself after graduating from college, and almost all of them are middle class with educated parents. We will have to agree to disagree, but as far as I'm concerned, relying on your parents after 21-22 is absolutely NOT the norm. [/QUOTE]

Actually, a large portion of people in their early 20's, especially those in full time education, still live at home. I think you'll find that's actually quite normal.

As for me, my parents, unlike yours, would never give me a cent towards going to college, and if they did they'd expect it back the next week. On top of that I'd still have to pay rent regardless.

As for the OP, it doesn't sound like his parents are supporting him, quite the opposite in fact. The OP took out a loan to help his family and he's taken on the responsibility himself to pay it back. I never said his parents should be grateful that he doesn't do drugs etc, I said they should be proud of his ambition and hard work, there's a difference there!

The fact that you're in any way defending the mother's behavior, which is basically what you're doing, is quite sad. Both for you and any of your future children, would you treat them the same if they're living at home at 22 whilst doing a PHD? Would you tell them they don't really ''need'' one, and that they're better off if they just move out and forget about it? Or would you try to give them the best chance possible?

lawstudent99

Hi OP

Have you considered assistance from your University in relation to your financial arrangement? I am not too sure if it is applicable to PHDs, but they can sometimes offer crisis loans and the like which may help you in getting your own place. You could contact the finance department in the Student Union to see if they could offer any help at all, if your living situation has become intolerable and has broken down beyond repair. You will be surprised at what is available.

You can't underestimate the impact of emotional abuse, being at home in that environment leaves you vulnerable to it and its effects. Good luck with the phd and keep at it x

MagicMarker, I think my point here has been missed so there is no point debating any further.

The OP came here for advice, not to be told 'oh, poor you', so I suggested that perhaps there is a reason for his mother's attitude. I don't see anywhere in the post that he has talked to his mother or asked her what the problem is. In my own experience, a lot of my friends give out about their parents and make them sound like the devil when in fact they don't stop to consider how their parents might be feeling. My point was that some parents might feel very put out by an adult child living at home, especially one who might not be contributing towards rent, etc. Maybe it's very stressful for them, maybe they are feeling the pinch financially? It's very likely that there is SOME reason for the mother's behaviour here. I know when my mum snaps, she's usually feeling stressed and taken advantage of. I could come and post here about what a cow she is, but sometimes she just needs someone to cook the dinner or clean the bathrooms or tell her she's appreciated.

And aren't your colleagues wonderful for living outside of the family home while in college. I'm sure they are more worthy than the tens of thousands of third level students who are currently living at home.

A phd isn't 'third level'. Yes, most people live at home or are helped out by the parents during a primary degree. This is NOT the case for further study. I don't know why you're getting your knickers in a twist about me stating a fact. 90% of my colleagues work half days while doing postgrad study. Do you really think the majority of postgrad students still live at home? I only know of a couple, and their parents were happy for them to stay to help out with various things.

I'm sure the OP doesn't feel he has a 'right' to anything, but he sure as hell has the right to live in peace and not be ridiculed by his own mother!

I totally agree. And what's the solution to this? MOVING OUT! The OP can post here until the cows come home and get sympathy from everybody, but it's not going to help his situation is it? He can't exchange his mother, but he CAN do his best to get out of the house.

You're assuming the OP does nothing around the house, why is that?

I said it was possible, given that he said he's barely ever home, and his mother gave out about that. Perhaps this is a reason for her anger?

The fact that you're in any way defending the mother's behavior, which is basically what you're doing, is quite sad. Both for you and any of your future children, would you treat them the same if they're living at home at 22 whilst doing a PHD? Would you tell them they don't really ''need'' one, and that they're better off if they just move out and forget about it? Or would you try to give them the best chance possible?

If I were in the position to do so, I'd try to help out my children. How is this relevant, though? The OP's mother, along with many other parents, think that people should be supporting themselves after their first degree. I don't think it's unreasonable not to want your offspring living at home until they're 25+. Do the parents not deserve to have their own lives as well? I think it's crazy that this point has been totally missed. Just because my parents gave birth to me doesn't mean they're obliged to keep me at home forever while I do more and more degrees. My parents were gone from the family home by the time they were 19, so it's hard for them to understand why a 24 year old should still be living at home, bar illness or a similar reason. Loads of peoples' parents are like this.

I have sympathy for the OP and I think it's unfortunate if he got stuck with a crap family, but at the end of the day, he is an adult and is free to make his own choices. I'm not saying he should give up the phd, I'm saying he should do everything he can to move out, OR try to find out why his mother is acting so strangely. I fail to see what else he can do. There are single rooms out there for around 300e/month, which is doable even on a few hours work per week, and there's Lidl and Aldi for cheap groceries. It would be difficult, but I'd say it was worth it to feel comfortable in his home. I wasn't being 'mean', I was pointing out that loads of people work and study and that there's no reason he HAS to live at home just because he's doing postgrad study.

LegacyUser

The OP's mother is well aware that his brothers/sister are wasters and will piss their lives away like their dad, she's also most likely aware of the fathers gambling problem and lives in denial.

She sees her "good" son work hard at college and was probably hoping he'd stop after a degree and get a kick-ass job and then she'd have someone to bail her out.
Or she's realising that when the OP leaves (with or without his girlfriend) she is stuck with the "piss head" and the "wasters".

My husband went through the same thing, he gave her the pittance of a grant he got as "rent" and was hardly ever home so it's not like she was cooking and cleaning for him or anything, I myself was barred from the house for no reason time and time again.
She was unhappy with her own partner and husbands sister who just sat around on her arse all day so took it out on the "good" one.

There's also the case that she looks at the OP's siblings and feels at fault for the way they are, and by talking them up all the time to you, the "better" one makes her feel better about herself.

In terms of advice, I don't know what you can do, have you tried talking to your mother about her problems? If what you say about your family is correct then she is probably very stressed and low self esteem.
I know it won't make up for the awful way she treats you and your girlfriend but the worst she can do is scream at you and threaten to kick you out, in which case you can tell her about the loan or get your dad to back you up.
The other way is to cut them all out of your life, is it possible you have a friend's or a place you can study?
Once your mother realises you're not around anymore she might cop on.
Good luck with everything.

MagicMarker

Izzy, I haven't debated whether or not the OP should move out or stay at home and I'm not disagreeing with you about it either.

I took issue with the following comments....

[quote=[Deleted User];58558001]It might only be me but I can maybe see where your mother is coming from. I value education, but doing a phd is by no means a necessity.[/QUOTE]

You start off by justifying his mother's behavior, which is in no way justifiable. Then you move on to demean the OP's studies by practically saying that it's pointless even trying to attain a phd! Not only that but you go on to say that no one ''needs'' a phd, which is, as I've said, completely ridiculous.

It doesn't matter how old you were when you moved out to go to college, it doesn't matter that your friends are ''100% self supportive''. The simple fact is that it's not unreasonable, nor is it uncommon, to live at home while in college, be it a degree or a phd. The OP is not in the wrong here.

If the mother has a problem with him living at home, then it's HER responsibility to TALK to him. She is in no way entitled to treat him the way she does, irrespective of whether or not she's feeling stressed, 'feeling the pinch', menopausal or whatever!

There is absolutely NO excuse for her actions.

mossieh

If you bailed out your old man, he should be backing you to the hilt in all of this. If he doesn't, why continue to look out for him?

Trinity

I couldnt stop thinking about this post last night, it brought up a lot of memories for me.

I came up with a million reasons why your mother is treating you this way and Cedric Melodic Tofu I see where you are coming from, but the truth is I dont know the answer.

The truth is i never got an explanation from my mother.

I put it down to me being the oldest, the more sensitive and the least hassle.

In other words she had such a ****e life, she took it out on the only person that would let her. The others didnt take it or didnt give enough of a fcuk to pay attention. I also think she was very disappointed with how her life turned out, and partly blamed me as i set the ball rolling being her first born.

I also believe she was afraid that i would feel i was too good for her, when i bettered myself and made a life for herself.

Your mother knows you are going to go places, and then fcuk off with your great job, and she will still be there doing the same old thing with the same piss head husband and your waster siblings. None of this is your fault and you should tell her that.

All in all its no excuse. Again as a mother she should be supportive and happy for you that you are getting out. Move out if you can. Sit down and talk to her if you can. If she feels you are not pullng your weight or helping out cos you are too busy looking after your own life and then fcuking off, she wont have these feelings when you move out. People expect more from those who give more.

That book toxic parents has been recommended to me also. Now at 34 my mother is a different person and so am I.

CDfm

get your dad to pay the loan and help you

you helped him

move out and if you need to earn extra money get some sort of job