Reading OH's phone txts

LegacyUser

What's the big deal with people saying they shouldn't be reading their other half's texts etc?
If someone is hiding their phone from you or never lets you use or see it, clearly they have something to hide.
I'm 25 and have had a few relationships. Most serious one lasted 5 years and there was complete openness and trust between us. I'd sometimes read a new message on her phone to her if she was busy or whatever, and vice versa. Worked well for both of us.

Current GF never leaves her phone out of her hands. Only going out about 5 months and I have yet to even touch her phone. She is constantly texting other people in my presence. Sometimes I'd ask her(it's not against the law is it...especially if I feel I have reason to ask...) who she's texting and she'd say a (female) friend of hers.
Once I caught a glimpse of a text from a guy she used to see for a while(they had a big row for some reason or another and stopped seeing each other). I asked who she was texting and she said Tracy from work. I thought nothing of it until one night she was texting him again and she had her phone right in front of me. She saw that I saw the name and I asked why are you still texting him I thought ye had a big row and you were angry with him? She said ah no just want to see how he is... She was seeing him for approx 3 weeks and knew him for about a little over a month before they started seeing each other.
Anyway, short version, I know she is still texting guys she was with and I have seen messages from lads telling her that they are in love with her and she's beautiful(not her fault I suppose) but I think she leads them on a bit, seeing how much attention she can get.
I haven't confronted her about it yet, should I?
I know that she loves all the attention that she gets and I have seen sent messages to lads which were very flirty, bordering on raunchy. E.g., "Remember the skirt I wore the night in Bowdens, you loved that skirt on me".

Bottom line she is with me at the moment, but I don't know how much I can trust her.
I do everything I can for her and she says she loves me and wants to be with me(also says she has messed around enough in the past and wants somethin steady for a while) but she still seems to crave attention from other guys.
I really really like her but if she is texting other guys, particularly exes behind my back, I don't think I could trust her or love her.
I have told her how much I like her, afraid to say love because I honestly dont trust her.
She is a few years younger than me, maybe she's a little immature?
Should I ask to see her phone? If she has nothing to hide she'd surely show it....?
I know I've nothing to hide and easily show mine.
. . . . . . . . . . .

somethin tells me we're not gonna last...?

Overheal

tbh, sounds like an attention whore. A deceitful one at that. I'd dump her ass were it me. Ask yourself where you see this another 5 months from now

johnsmith

Don't ask her if you can read her messages, she will go off the rails and it wont solve anything.

I can sympathise a little bit, I used to have a GF who was flirty with other guys.

Talk to her about it but not in such a way that it's like you are accusing her of anything. Just explain to her that you aren't used to having a girlfriend who is so private. Don't go straight off on a "Why are you sending flirty texts to other boys" rant, it will seem needy and overly insecure, she will get defensive and it will probably turn into an argument.

When you saw the text "Remember the skirt I wore the night in Bowdens, you loved that skirt on me", how did you see it? Were you looking through her messages? It seems like it *might* be a bit inappropriate. If you're going to bring it up then be very careful, she will probably just claim that she got her a compliment on her skirt and it was harmless banter, it's hard to come away from the situation without looking like a douche.

So, yeah, talk to her about it but keep a check on your tone and body language. Make sure you are in conversation mode because I don't see that she has neccesarily done anything wrong yet. See how you feel about it after the conversation and then decide if it's something that you're willing to trust her with it. If you're not then get out of the relationship.

pseudonym1

You were right with the last line of your post!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Sounds to me like she's a bit unsure and that's all. If you are otherwise happy then the only thing I can suggest is to talk to her.
I am going through something similar but have reached this stage at 2months...don't think I could wait til 5months LOL!
What I've done is tell him if wants to see other girls that's fine,but I'll be seeing other fellas. He hasn't(as far as I know) been out with the other girls,but by constantly chatting to his exGFs he is telling me he doesn't want to be exclusive,so I sat down and told him that since that is the signal he's sending then that's the signal I will be getting.
You can't control her actions,only your own.......
BTW it is a gamble to do what I've done but the way I see it life is too short to be playing games..so I've called his bluff.
You can continue as you are,but it's not exactly good for your self-esteem is it?
I wouldn't ask to read her phone txt you should be able to trust her at this stage. Talk to her cos you're heading for head melt if you don't.

m83

For me, trust is the foundation of all relationships. If you don't have it then you can't possibly build anything meaningful with her. She's not going to change her ways so I'd recommend you tell her how you feel and go your seperate ways from there.

MJOR

I'd never read my OH texts unless he's driving and he said to me "open that who's it from"? Likewise with him and my phone.That is the only time. I have no interest in it and would be very annoyed if he looked at mine without my permission. I have nothing to hide, and to be honest I'd have nothing in my phone that'd be incriminating but there are some things like texts from my female friends about personal stuff that i'd be annoyed about him knowing (also he is not overly nosy anyway )


Maybe you'd be better off calling it a day. Purely because judging from your post you don't trust her, and to be straight I wouldn't either. It's fine having male friends and its likely she's an attention seeker with low self esteem.

cantdecide

You definitely sound a bit mis-matched, fundamentally. You want an exclusive faithful realtionship and she wants as much outside attention as she can get. She might very well end up growing out of it and maturing a bit but probably at the expense of your nerves.

If you are inclined to agree with mine and others sentiments yet you still care about her, the confrontation route might be the one to go for. Especially now when you haven't stolen her phone and read her texts (you will probably get around this eventually if nothing changes for you) but obviously, this is a major no no. You need to put your own mental health first. Maybe If you are with her after 12 months and you still feel this way, it will be much harder to decide so this could be the crossroads...

MagicMarker

If you don't trust her then why are you with her?

She sounds like the ultimate prick tease tbh, in fact she doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Jack B. Badd

Unregistered wrote: »

Bottom line she is with me at the moment, but I don't know how much I can trust her.

From the sounds of it, you can't trust her at all. That doesn't mean she has necessarily done something that warrants your lack of trust, it just means you don't trust her (your issue, not hers). If you can't trust her, do both of you a favour and dump her.
On the other hand, it doesn't sound like you trust your previous OHs either, just that you had evidence of their fidelity because nothing was kept from you.
Trust exists in the lack of evidence. If you "know" that your OH is faithful, then trust is redundant. Also a lot of people (including me) believe that some distance/personal space/individuality in a relationship is important. Personally I chose to be involved with my OH, not become him. If he demanded access to every intimate detail of my life (including personal correspondences, e.g. texts) or if I did the same to him, we wouldn't have lasted beyond the first few weeks.

LegacyUser

I'd arrange a date or meeting with one of your ex's and let her know about to really rub it in... You are going to be looking for a new girlfriend anyway by the sounds of things

"What you can keep stringing along your ex's & I can't?!" There'll be a fight but at least it'll be out in the open IMO.