Family fued , they have turned aginst my husband

LegacyUser

I know this sounds like one of the oldest problems in the book, but it's really affecting my life for the last few months.
Myself and my now husband had moved into a house owned by my parents after having lived together before this,we had planned to build a house in the locality and apparently had the full blessing of my parents,they really seemed to like him.
In the past I had major problems with my mother and my youngest sister in regard to previous boyfriends. It usually started with my sister deciding she didnt like my boyfriend (seemed to be jealously) with my mother siding with her. This I could live with, but it always seemed to develop in time to vile and malicious slander aginst them. I might add these boyfriends were not teen romances, I was in my late twenties living away from home with my own independent life. It got so serious with one particular boyfriend , I ended up leaving the country for two years and having very little contact with my family. I also finished with the boyfriend.
I had thought that this behaviour was in the past and gradually forgave them although i never really confronted them on their behavour because my family evade confrontation prefering to sweep things under the carpet. I suppose I allowed this to happen becuase I wasn't particularly serious about this boyfriend.
I thought my two year absence would have taught them a lesson,but it seems my lack of confrontation on returing to ireland has gave them the message its ok to treat me like this.

Fast forward to the present day....

On the whole my family seemed to like my partner, but I constanly got the feeling my mother & sister were waiting for a chance find fault with him.I would like to point out that my now husband is well liked by people in general & made friends quickly in my home area. Much more so than my sister who is known locally to be a troubelmaker outside the family.
It all came to a head when after a few months of marraige, I had to confront my mother & sister about thier consistant & worsening behaviour towards my husband. This confrontation was met with denial initally then quickly turning to fury & and the same old accusations rearing thier ugly head, (eg. he has me brainwashed, he is a creep , he has me under his thumb, nobody likes him, they are all worried about me & I need to get help). I would like to add my sister has a history of serious self harming behaviour which my family allow to be brushed under the carpet. I can assure you I am a normal balanced individual. I know there is no substance whatsoever to therse claims aginst my husband.At this point I told my mother and sister that I no longer wanted them in my life if they continuallly disregarded my happeniness in this way.
We moved away from the area that same week. We have set up home the other side of the country.My husband & his family are disappointed & disgusted as am I at all that has happened. Since the bust up I have had limited contact with one brother ( couple of phone calls) from this communication I understand that my mother & rest of family see my mother as the victim in this. Not that i want to be seen as a victim. Althought they have not directly blamed me, their loyalty obviously lies with her & they refuse to even discuss her terrible behaviour.These malicious lies aginst my husband are now accepted as truth by my family even though they all got along very well with my husband up to this point.
I experienced this first hand when I made a trip home to pick up some stuff. She attempted to act as nothing had happened by offering me a cup of tea,I politely refused, she then started to deny her own bad behaviour, but continued to slander my husband to my face (eg.he is a creep everybody says he is) I walked away.
Over christmas I recieved a card from my mother & sent one back in return. This has been the only communication since. I feel that my family would like nothing more than to brush this whole incident under the carpet as before without having to aploogise.
This is not an option for me this time, I have had enough of been belittled and their disregard of what is important to me.

I wonder does anyone out there have any experience of this type of family behaviour & how they dealt with it? I am at a loss how to proceed as my family have closed ranks to me & confrontation is always met with denial and anger.
Is it better to exclude my mother & therefore my father & siblings from my life?

Is there any hope they will change?

thank you in advance for any advice and suggestions.

Beruthiel

I always say, you can choose your friends but not your family.
Personally, if it were me, I'd just get on with my life and leave them to it.
They have interfered in a part of your life they had no business to be sticking there noses into.
Hey, when my sister was with an asshole we never said a word. Not because we didn't care, we wanted her to dump his ass. But we were smart enough to know that at the end of the day, it's not up to us to tell her how to run her life. We knew that eventually she would see the light. She has and he's gone.
My point is, we carried on as usual with her, did not make her uncomfortable and kept our relationship with her.
Your mother and sister clearly do not understand that they have crossed a line here. Until they do, if that actually happens, just stay clear. This is their problem not yours.

LegacyUser

Not an easy situation to be in OP - you have my sympathy. I'm interested in what your dad has to say about all this? I assume your mum calls the shots in your family then. I agree with the previous OP - I'd leave them to it. Keep in contact with your brother and send cards for family occasions. Keep the line of communication open but at the end of the day, live your own life - if you can't please your family now, you never will. Look after your existing family - you and your husband are all that matters.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply, I would imagine my father is displeased but he finds it too intimidating to confront my mother and sister. He is aware of what is going on and what has gone on in the past but is more likely to discuss it in a gossipy way with other family members rather than confronting those causing the trouble. He has allowed disruptive and shameful behaviour from my sister in the past but has preferred to moan about it behind her back to other family members rather than pull her up on it. I'm afraid that it's this fear of direct communication in my family that has allowed my mothers and sisters behaviour to deteriorate to this level.
My family members seem to be more interested in gossiping between themselves and to people outside the family about it rather than doing anything constructive. I find this really hurtful and humiliating.

LegacyUser

Well if your father hasn't been able to do anything about your mum and sister over the years, I think you will be fighting a losing battle yourself. As I said earlier, I'd leave them to it - keep in contact with them so you're not accused of maintaining the feud but at the end of the day, I'd live my own life. Your husband and his family sound like nice people, concentrate on you and them from now on. Don't dwell on it - life's too short to waste time on people that are beyond help. Live your life!