Where is the Man I Love?

LegacyUser

I have been with my OH for almost four years now. We're both in our early 20's. I'm currently pining after the guy he used to be, who was funny, ambitious and one of the most caring people I have ever come across.

Right now, I'm not entirely sure who he is. Last year he failed his exams and needs to repeat a subject in college before he can progress. This means he only has a hand full of lectures a week. When he found this out he was devastated and went through a period of "I don't know if this is the course for me, etc" eventually deciding to repeat the subject and make the best of the year. He wanted to start working out, learn to drive, take on some more hours in work so he could put away a bit of cash for next year and so far he's done none of them. He hasn't even taken a single step towards anything, nor has he put in a single hour of study into his course. About a month ago he decided that he wanted to do something else with his life, came up with loads of really great ideas and surprise surprise all of them just fell by the wayside.

I don't know if I've got this wrong or not but he seems to be the type of person who can't do anything for himself unless he's going to get a b*ll*king for not doing it and I'm certainly not going to do that, I'm not his mother and to be quite honest, I don't like the moods he gets in if I try. I do a similar college course to him although in a different college and I offered to help him out, I'm pretty good at the subject he failed. I was really careful about this because I didn't want to emasculate the guy. I made absolutely sure he wanted my help, which he insisted he did but when it came to actually doing any work he sulked and eventually refused to do anything with me at all, not in an irritable way just in a "I wanna hang out with you, I'll do some work later, I promise" way. Which of course he never does, just sits around playing games all day or doing whatever his parents want. I don't mind if he didn't like the way I taught him or whatever, maybe I'm a crap teacher, but he just wont do the work full stop.

He lost his job due to the company going under, got some temporary work for Christmas but now that's gone he has yet to even make an effort to look for a job. He owes me money somewhere in the region of €300. I don't need it now but at the end of the day I'm a student and I just had to give up my job because my college hours got so heavy, I'm going to need it eventually.

I'm trying to steer away from specifics here, I'm afraid someone will recognise this... A couple of months ago I bought him a gift that involved us going away. The original idea was we'd go halves on it but he didn't have the money in the end so I thought "What the hell, I do and we'll have a great time." In the end he forgot about it despite me reminded him quite a bit and never booked the time off work, so we didn't go. Granted I could and probably should have gone with a friend but at the time I was pretty embarrassed having been telling people that me and the OH were going to such and such a place only to have to turn around and say "Oh... actually he forgot to get off work".

That particular incident led to him to go through a week of him telling me he wasn't good enough for me, didn't care for me enough and we should break up. This is probably going to sound a bit delusional but I've known him for years and I knew he didn't mean what he was saying. Obviously we didn't break up but I was a little shaken.

Lastly... He posts pictures of us on porn websites. We had a threesome once and while it was great I really wanted to leave it as a once off experience. I made this clear to him and he was fine with it but he seems to enjoy seeking out other people on the internet who like the look of me and might like to have a threesome. He seems to just be doing it for the kicks and tbh I don't really mind, it just got me thinking exactly how much respect does he have for me…

One evening he ended up in tears saying how unhappy he was with college and work. I asked him would he try counselling, seeing someone from career guidance in college or talking to his lecturers and he refused to do any of the above.

Apologies about the length, I'd appreciate any thoughts.

MagicMarker

lost girlfriend wrote: »

That particular incident led to him to go through a week of him telling me he wasn't good enough for me, didn't care for me enough and we should break up. This is probably going to sound a bit delusional but I've known him for years and I knew he didn't mean what he was saying. Obviously we didn't break up but I was a little shaken.

Lastly... He posts pictures of us on porn websites. We had a threesome once and while it was great I really wanted to leave it as a once off experience. I made this clear to him and he was fine with it but he seems to enjoy seeking out other people on the internet who like the look of me and might like to have a threesome. He seems to just be doing it for the kicks and tbh I don't really mind, it just got me thinking exactly how much respect does he have for me…

He sounds like a normal guy in his early 20's tbh. Not a lot of motivation and lots of ideas, probably sick of college and not really caring either way.

How can you be so sure that he didn't mean it when he said he wanted to break up? Maybe he did?

Was it him who suggested the threesome?

LegacyUser

I know because I know him. Like I said, that probably sounds a tad delusional. The angle he was coming from was more along the lines of "We should break up because I'm an ass and don't deserve you" as opposed to "I want to break up because I'm not into you". He was pretty cut up about it at the time but hasn't mentioned or hinted at it since. The threesome was his idea.

Blazer

This is gonna sound harsh but he sounds like a right loser to me.
Looks like he'll never improve himself.
Do yourself a favour, dump him and move on with your life.
You deserve better and you know it.

TheBlock

lost girlfriend wrote: »

I have been with my OH for almost four years now. We're both in our early 20's. I'm currently pining after the guy he used to be, who was funny, ambitious and one of the most caring people I have ever come across.

Right now, I'm not entirely sure who he is. Last year he failed his exams and needs to repeat a subject in college before he can progress. This means he only has a hand full of lectures a week. When he found this out he was devastated and went through a period of "I don't know if this is the course for me, etc" eventually deciding to repeat the subject and make the best of the year. He wanted to start working out, learn to drive, take on some more hours in work so he could put away a bit of cash for next year and so far he's done none of them. He hasn't even taken a single step towards anything, nor has he put in a single hour of study into his course. About a month ago he decided that he wanted to do something else with his life, came up with loads of really great ideas and surprise surprise all of them just fell by the wayside.

I don't know if I've got this wrong or not but he seems to be the type of person who can't do anything for himself unless he's going to get a b*ll*king for not doing it and I'm certainly not going to do that, I'm not his mother and to be quite honest, I don't like the moods he gets in if I try. I do a similar college course to him although in a different college and I offered to help him out, I'm pretty good at the subject he failed. I was really careful about this because I didn't want to emasculate the guy. I made absolutely sure he wanted my help, which he insisted he did but when it came to actually doing any work he sulked and eventually refused to do anything with me at all, not in an irritable way just in a "I wanna hang out with you, I'll do some work later, I promise" way. Which of course he never does, just sits around playing games all day or doing whatever his parents want. I don't mind if he didn't like the way I taught him or whatever, maybe I'm a crap teacher, but he just wont do the work full stop.

He lost his job due to the company going under, got some temporary work for Christmas but now that's gone he has yet to even make an effort to look for a job. He owes me money somewhere in the region of €300. I don't need it now but at the end of the day I'm a student and I just had to give up my job because my college hours got so heavy, I'm going to need it eventually.

I'm trying to steer away from specifics here, I'm afraid someone will recognise this... A couple of months ago I bought him a gift that involved us going away. The original idea was we'd go halves on it but he didn't have the money in the end so I thought "What the hell, I do and we'll have a great time." In the end he forgot about it despite me reminded him quite a bit and never booked the time off work, so we didn't go. Granted I could and probably should have gone with a friend but at the time I was pretty embarrassed having been telling people that me and the OH were going to such and such a place only to have to turn around and say "Oh... actually he forgot to get off work".

That particular incident led to him to go through a week of him telling me he wasn't good enough for me, didn't care for me enough and we should break up. This is probably going to sound a bit delusional but I've known him for years and I knew he didn't mean what he was saying. Obviously we didn't break up but I was a little shaken.

Lastly... He posts pictures of us on porn websites. We had a threesome once and while it was great I really wanted to leave it as a once off experience. I made this clear to him and he was fine with it but he seems to enjoy seeking out other people on the internet who like the look of me and might like to have a threesome. He seems to just be doing it for the kicks and tbh I don't really mind, it just got me thinking exactly how much respect does he have for me…

One evening he ended up in tears saying how unhappy he was with college and work. I asked him would he try counselling, seeing someone from career guidance in college or talking to his lecturers and he refused to do any of the above.

Apologies about the length, I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Can't offer any help other than to say you sound like you've tried evreything. Maybe it's time to cut loose for a bit that might shake him up and who knows maybe it's what he needs to get him putting some more effort into the relationship.

LegacyUser

I don't want to send this off topic but does he smoke weed or do any depressant drug like ketamine ?

Snowie

He's a sulking spoiled brat who get's his own way and does'nt care about any one else's but him self, sounds to me like he's feeling hugely sorry for him self wollowing in his own self pitty the world owes me a living and It shouldnt be like this I've allways got what i wanted and now I dont I'l throw my toys out the pram and let every one fuss over, me....

Op You sound like a really decent girl do your self a favour teach this child a lesson.......

jellie

he sounded like a normal enough 20 yr old until the bit about the holiday and the posting of photos.

how ungrateful do you have to be to not arrange time off for a holiday that someone else has arranged and PAID FOR for you. not to mention letting you down as im sure you were looking forward to it.

You ask him to stop posting pictures of you and he continues to do so?

Sounds like hes going to do whatever he wants and youre just letting him get away with it. Have some respect for yourself even if he wont show you any.

banshee_bones

after four years i know it must be tough having to consider the fact that its over but i would say cut your losses and break up with him.

maybe after a while he might get his act together and sort himself out and maybe down the line when hes matured a bit theres always the chance of a reconciliation but for now id just leave him.

Best of luck with whatever you choose im sure it wont be easy

LegacyUser

In my early 20's I found 4th year of college really got me depressed. Hated the course I was doing from the begining and think I was only going to Uni for the sake of my parents. I didnt know where my life was going and it got me down. Ended up failing 4th year and took the decision not to repeat and got a job. I found once I left college that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I know I havent a degree and it seems such a waste but at the end of the day im far happier now then I ever was in college. Saying that I would never have been so inconsiderate to forget a holiday or post pictures. He needs to cop on and grow up to be honest.

DeCoR18

Mathew Reilly wrote: »

This is gonna sound harsh but he sounds like a right loser to me.
Looks like he'll never improve himself.
Do yourself a favour, dump him and move on with your life.
You deserve better and you know it.

Try not to drag people down with you, as you seem incapable of a grown up relationship.

SamuelFox

OP, it sounds to me like he is depressed. To be honest I feel a lot of empathy with him, last summer I thought I had failed my exams and faced repeating the year and it was a dreary prospect, especially as I saw myself as strong academically. My girlfriend (who was in my course) did all she could to help me and I resented that. As it turned out I did ok, but I was down for a long time – all I wanted was to be on my own to brood. I later discovered that it was a major factor in my break-up. My advice to you for what its worth is to give him a wake up call. You are right not to “emasculate” him but equally this sounds like a spiral that might not improve without something being said. Attending a counsellor in college is a good idea because he needs someone impartial without any emotional involvement. As regards the holiday, photos and break-up it sounds like the typical self-destructive behaviour of someone who is mildly depressed. OP, in your title you said you wanted the get back the guy you loved – if you still do then you need to work with him rather that jacking it in. We all go through rough patches in our lives and its the people that love us that get us through to the other side. Maybe the break-up might shock him into changing but equally it might make him worse. Best of luck anyway!

LegacyUser

Ok OP, your post was pretty much the normal outline of a early 20's guy trying to make the leap that comes towards the end of college...it's a sort of rite of passage for all including us girls.
However what really worries me is that he has "shared you out",not once but is actively seeking to do it again. You say you didn't mind it once but come on all your instincts are telling you otherwise. I am a lot older than you and have lived in different countries and cultures and have never met a woman who liked to be shared out...because women like to know who fathered the baby,and their instincts tell them that a man who shares them out will bail if a baby is conceived. You can use all the contraceptives in the world but your instincts will still tell you to avoid this type of man..cos contraceptives fail all the time(go ask your GP if you don't believe me).
What he's doing is abusing you, like a pimp does...that's how they "train" working girls to have sex with any punter. You go on and on about college and exams but who cares what degree a man has if he's bad on a very basic level to his woman. I couldn't care less what qualifications my fella has cos he's a decent guy and only wants me for himself. Instead of focussing on HIM how about looking after YOU for a change. Get some counselling for yourself and ask yourself why you feel so unworthy of love from a man,cos what he's offering is definitely NOT love. You have to take care of YOU cos you are worth it.