getting tired with my life

LegacyUser

I need to vent, so I have decided to do it here so I do apologize for this in advance.
I am 33 and finding myself very tired life. I have not had any form of a relationship in the last 10 years ,and I am finding it very lonely. With the current troubles with the economy ,and fears for jobs ,and pressures of a mortgage ,it is only getting worse as I have no one to share the troubles and issues with. I cannot talk with friends or family about things as I am shy and very closed off about my life, and am unwilling to burden anyone with my troubles.
I find myself thinking about what I would do if I lost my job, dreaming about just walking away from my life, what little of a life I have ,and just disappearing .
And the lack of a sex life is unbearable at this stage, I find myself trolling the classifieds and adult dating sites, however I have no confidence to speak of ,and do not trust these sites so the dreams of, excuse the term , fu*k buddy are just dreams.
Through out my life I have been very shy with women and missed out in a lot of the things that a teenager ,and a lad in his 20's is supposed to have experienced ,and really do envy my friends stories of past conquests and exploits.
I now am coming to the realization that I might just spend my life alone, becoming the weird uncle that every one thinks is gay ( I am not homophobic , I think if I was gay I might be better off at this stage in life) and does not want to admit it. Some friends have even asked if I was gay, not been cruel or anything just trying to understand why I am never with girls.
Again I do apologize for this rant but I needed to get this off my chest.

LegacyUser

I was (and kinda still am) in that position.
I understand the gay comment, I had the same thoughts as you. I know you don't think you are, it's as simple as this... you're after women, so you're not. You can put that fear to rest.

Have you thought of travel? Like a year away? Oz or US?
You can re-invent yourself (1 night a month if you like) or just get a change of scenery. I did. I lost my job,friends,didnt have a girlfriend, was very tight on cash, lived in a **** home... I was having a bad time. I put off travel because I thought I'd be "running away from my problems". Eventually said, no, feck that, I'm off. Best thing I ever did!!
I'd talk about that all day, so I'll leave it here. Ask away if you've any interest though!

The not having a girlfriend for so long - same boat mate! It's a vicious circle innit. The longer it goes the worse it gets. It got to the stage where I was thinking maybe I'll just stay alone, and as you say, be the "wierd uncle". My older nephew asked my (and had asked his mum a few times) "Why don't you have a girlfriend?".
It was sweet, but it DID stick with me.

Long story short, I went out with some pals the following Friday. Unshaven, crap clothes, don't think I even showered. My pals were talking to a group of girls they used to know from school, they had a quiet friend, I said Hi, and we started an amazing relationship. We broke up after 7 months later, but when we were going out it's like the last 12 years of waiting just fell away. It was sooooo good for me. And it will be for you too!
I am determined to NOT let that happen again.

Do a night course - great for meeting people.

What I'm saying is, keep the head up & every now and again put on a cool shirt or whatever and get your strut on.
And then there's the classic "it'll happen when you least expect it". It's a classic, cause its very true.

Couldn't believe it when I read your post, I feel for you, but moreso I'm very optimistic!!
G'luck dude

Beta Ray Bill

Hey OP

I can totally relate. I was like you when I was a teen. Totally shy and not very out going at all. I kinda changed though when I arrived at 19ish.

Prehaps you should get involved with some groups to meet people?
If you have trouble trying to talk to girls then there really is only one thing ya can do... and that's do it anyway.

I was terrified at a young age about talking to girls, I didnt know what to do or say to them. But I just tried anyway around 19ish. And yes there were a couple of times I made a fool out of myself and made things awkward but thats the leep ya have to take!

Towards the middle of my "learning to talk to women" I got a bit of an adrenaline rush from it to. Just talk to any girl that you like in a night club, be yourself and try an talk a little bit more about them. They are just people ya know

As for the Job worries: Everyone in the country is in the same boat man. No Ones Job is safe. I work in the IT dept of a Bank. I'm really at risk. I have very little savings etc but I know that everyone else is in the same boat so its not so bad.

If I did lose my Job I know I can find work (although McDonalds might not be the job of choice it would tie me over until I could find a proper Job)

You strike me as a worrier. Its important not to worry to much. as worry leads to stress and so on and so forth. Worrying to much will affect your life in a negative way. try not to be to concerned.
Things 99.9% of the time have a way of sorting themselves out.

Hope this helps
G.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

corcaigh07

what interests do you have, OP? start from there, then maybe we could suggest a few things.

i think i can relate as my brother is in a similar position, hes 32, living at home although he is building a house(the amount of lads offering to do work in the pub is unbelieveable) and i reckon he doent have much of a sex life.

i think you could start simple, a quiet pint or two may get you out and about, start small talking with bar tenders etc, relive yourself of your worries and talk to others, the conversation may be meaningless enough but at least your interacting. the more you keep yourself bottled up, the more you'll probably regress.

your just going to have to shake it up a bit.

LegacyUser

I don't think people should be telling this man what he should want. There's nothing wrong with not wanting an exclusive relationship with a woman. If he wants a fu*k buddy then go for it. The most important thing is to work on your self esteem and try to improve your lifestyle. I agree you need to stop apologizing by the way. Son't apologize to anyone for your thoughts, emotions and desires.

barbiegirl

We have a friend very like you. A really lovely and attractive guy, very shy and reserved around any girl he thinks might be available, but perfectly happy to chat to any of us girls in the group, even those who are very new. In fact when I first started going out with my OH he was the one who always watched out along with my man, to make sure I was ok. I'm very fond of him.
All of his friends are worried about him. He has never been seen with a girl, doesn't seem to be gay, like you I think people have asked him. All we want is for him to be happy and if he is happy on his own, then so be it, but we can't help but wonder if he is. Almost everyone in the group is pairing off, it's that time of life. We have offered to set him up on some dates, with really nice girls, we wouldn't set him up with anyone unsuitable, but he always refuses. Perhaps you could also help us, our only concern is that he is happy and we'd hate to think he is lonely.

LegacyUser

The fu*k buddy thing is do with the lack of experience , and the pressure that accompanies. It would be just to get rid of the frustration in an non emotional setting.
The aim would be to find some one I could share life with ,both the ups and the downs.
Barbie girl I would not be much help with your friend as every situation is different, however in my case when setups are mentioned I dread the thought, as I am shy and fear that I will be perceived as boring unattractive etc ,I have no problem talking with girls just like your friend when there is nothing but friendship involved or possible. Put me in a situation where there is a chance the I would like a girl and might be possible to go some where with her and I shut down.
As for finding social outlets ,ie courses and so on it is very hard for me to do this as I work shift I would be unable to do many of the things that require a commitment .
I don't doubt that things will change ,this was really a rant to get things off my chest as I feel especially down today going into another weekend. And I do really appreciate the support offered by every one here, it is great that some one like me, who finds it hard to open up, can come onto a site like this and vent, get advice and generally help me feel better about life. Thanks a mil

LegacyUser

You are sliding into a depressive state. Your story is exactly the same as mine, except I did nothing about it. I've been like that all my life, but it really started becoming an issue when I was your age. Instead of recognising it, I buried myself in work, thinking erroneously that work and money would pave the way to the life I really wanted.

It didn't.

No amount of education or work was going to be of any use until the self esteem issues were faced up to. In effect, I destroyed myself, because the last seven years of long hours and hard work have been lost, and I have nothing to show for it. I am in the pits of depression, having exactly your problem, plus lots of debts and no job.

I am now seeing a counsellor, and have to rebuild my life from the ground up. Everything I thought was important, is gone, and I am starting from scratch. While I am currently very depressed, I am driven by the warm feeling of how good it will be to finally throw off all the old baggage, and be a new person, like a butterfly coming out of his coccoon.

Do it now, because if you wait for things to happen, they won't happen, and you'll only be worse off. Life IS there for you to grasp, but you need help to find it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I felt just the way you did a few months ago - felt I had no close friends, was sick of everything, had no relationships in years - so, I decided to see a Life Coach, and it has really helped a lot. OK, I'm still not in a relationship but I AM feeling a lot better about my life and have recently made lots of new friends and taken up new hobbies.

You might like to give it a go.

The thing it has really made me realise is that everything in my life is MY CHOICE. Every moment we are making choices and we have to start to realise what choices we are making and where they are leading us.

That is not to say - your problems are of your own making or pull yourself together. It just means that you CAN take steps to improve your situation.

Brainstorm a list of 30 things that you COULD do (they don't all have to be feasible - just throw out a load of ideas) to improve your situation and build up your self esteem. It could be - join a book club, take up a sport, talk to one stranger a day, investigate hobby options, read a self help book, smile more, decide to share one problem with someone you know - i don't know - whatever might come to mind.

You can then give yourself a target to try a few of them - you can do it in steps.

And as for burdening others - how do you feel when someone shares a problem with you? Do you feel burdened? Or do you feel glad and honoured they trusted you and respected you enough to share? I always feel grateful when someone shares a problem with me - especially if its someone who usually tries to fix everything themselves. You could be doing someone else a favour by opening up to them - think about that!