About to throw degree away - please help

LegacyUser

Hi i'm so desperate here you wouldn't believe..
how do i put this??

Im a mature student in fourth year and i've TOTALLY messed up this year! Ive got writers block and i havent been able to get my essays done. i got extensions for everything and went through the channels in the college in the hope that i could sort it, but now i'm even gone long past the extension dates that they gave me! I don't even know if they will let me continue were I to hand in all 5 essays by the end of the week.

As i said I'm a mature student and i went back to uni at the same time i was in couselling over a long period of time. That is to say i decided that i enjoy thinking/talking/watching tv/etc about the field i'm studying in, and i could have more fulfilment from it.

All through the course I have consistently been the top student on the course, i had it all planned out that i would get as close to a first as I can, then I would go on to masters, or take a year with some very relevant work experience. But i have always been a procrastinator and during some counselling (i dip in and out of the counselling - rather than keep it up for years) i came upon the fact that i am a perfectionist - I thought "great, now i know my issue i can finally get past it" (the perfectionism causes me many other issues; can never live up to high standard, girls can not live up to it for me either, i expect everything to de done 'right' traffic, jesus even society itself!!) But it didn't pan out like that -

As i said before perfectionism would mean i would have to craft every sentence of an essay perfectly before moving on to the next, so i thought - yeah i'll be free of that, i can write it out in a blast, go over it later, my essays will be even better - i cant write a word!

I went to a new counsellor the Uni doctor recommended, i thought the last one i'd had for years was 'too easy', ie. i could convince her of what i wanted to convice myself of (if that makes sense)

One problem is that through humanities projects i have, i have gotten on to very philosophical issues, i have almost been writing/concocting my own philosophy for the world; the way power is distributed, how communication functions over time, what is the individual in this system, almost a cosmology! So I tell these counsellors, i think maybe i'm going a little mad, i'm trying to save the world here; and your man can only be impressed, says i explained it all great to him, he'd put his mortgage on me finishing the work, and he looks forward to reading about me sometime!! WTF way to encourage the delusional!!

Part of my research brought me int Sartre, thinking about how one should fulfil ones 'humanness' not get boxed in by any title or carreer, so then I'm thinking do i need this degree?? why dont i just walk off, head around and write, try to convey my message in literary form - what the hell!!! im getting older and older, i've given up the route all my peers took of house/kids/settling all so i could go back and fulfil a need i've always felt to work in the field my mind loves!!

One HUGE problem is that i go to a small IT, and while i LOVE my classmates, they have ZERO interest in the academic side of things, they want to get in, get out, become teachers/marketers/whatever, especially the subjects I like, so i am completely unable to discuss the issues with others; others who might say "yes X philosopher said that, Y's theory is this" - which would ground me in reality... when i say i want to do big things with my career/thought it is like some Kid scoring the goal in the world cup final - in reality i would be happy to score in the sunday league down the park (ie. i can separate the fantasy from reality)

I feel so much pressure on my head because if i throw away this year i will lose all of the funding which has gotten me this far, then i dont know what i will do with my life, i've even been thinking about doing away with the whole lot altogether but wont! I feel if i fail(and i most likey already have) that i will never be able to stand on my own feet as a man, chances of me ever supporting & protecting a family seem ridiculous! And to throw it all away when the economy is plummeting - so stupid!!

I rang samaritans one night at 5am to talk about it, walked away thinking Yeah gonna start now - nothing!, i was gonna ring that nightline but it seems to be for UCD/trinity etc.. I really am at the end of my tether - if the world was flat i'd walk off the edge in a heartbeat!

I'm using boards as the biggest distraction ever!!! The thing is I always had my own apt. and my own space, then i went away for a year abroad, great fun piss up - totally killed off my progress.. came back, couldn't find a suitable flatshare (have to do rent allowance) ended up moving back into my parents after the best part of a decade and now i feel completely emasculated.. it's like i've regressed. I'm not quite a loner but quite isolated in that everyone from my area/old friends are construction people/factory etc. i've nobody that i can talk to that knows what i'm talking about. Except if i go sit with stoners in which case it all becomes even more fantastical..

i've my first exam tomorrow, i'm gonna have to drive over with f all sleep, completely hope for the best, hope i can start writing tomorrow, writ 5 essays in a week, plead with them to accept that, do my other tests with no study done, get out of my mams and hope for the best.. it all seems too tall of an order.

I know this is UNBELIEVABLY long. I wanted to rant it all out aswell, but if anybody has been through similar or has anything helpful to say, i'm dying for someone to say something that clicks in me. please help me someone

Adam

A week you say? Just.Fucking.Do.It.

Seriously. Take the next week of your life, grind yourself, do the exams, and the essays, to the best of your ability. Perfectionist or not, if you're not happy with what you write so be it, but there's no such thing as literally not being able to write something.

At the end of the week, forget about it if you want. But do not let this get away from you without trying, after four years. Especially as a mature student, if you look back on it having not made the effort, you'll hate yourself for throwing it all away, and you'll probably never try it again.

Best of luck.

Overheal

I just realised I'm a horrible perfectionsist. Thanks

I'm going to try reading this. Join me damnit.

astrofool

If you can be confident enough in yourself, then after a week you will have done all the work, and be able to move on, no matter what the result.

Get an essay done per day, start writing something now, go for the 40% first, and then come back for the rest of the marks, but keep on going through the required work.

You'll find that a lot of people are perfectionists, the human mind seems to have an innate desire to keep order in everything, so don't by any means think you are alone in how you think, and don't by any means think that you know it all (would I be right in saying you haven't travelled that much yet?).

Oh, and even in the fanciest of institutions, a majority of the pupils are there to get in, get the marks and get out, it will really be in a masters/PHD that you will get the kind of feedback you are looking for, and likely from professors rather than students.

LegacyUser

i couldnt sleep all night.. exam starts in 2 mins.. drive over and bluff it or ring up & defer?

thanks for the answers.. esp the essay

no u'r wrong.. i've been constantly travelling since i left school, constantly exploring, almost on a mission to understand the world.. it may be part of the problem, ultimately a bit isolating as you meet so many and make freiends then leave forever

LegacyUser

The problem is usually getting started, if you get started then you'll most likely finish it. Lay off the wacky it's not calming you at all it's making things much worse for you. Seriously.

The world is not going to end, it's a bit of a long overdue downturn. Every economic stimulus package in the last 200-300 years has worked. This economic stimulus is the largest ever seen, as was the one before it, and the one before that too. Recessions usually last 18 months. The US has been in recession since December 2007 so everything will be right as rain come June at latest September. The sooner you finish, the sooner you become truely independent.

The sooner you relise that you are not a literary or academic genius who isn't being appreciated in his own time, the sooner you will write a somewhat decent paper. And the underpaid person who will have to read it will only read the odd pages while doodling all over your even numbered pages. Having no understanding what the hell you were rabbiting on about he flips a coin and decides to give you good mark. You find out later that most of the class got the same grade, it turns out it was graded by a Leaving Cert student looking to get their pocket money. Your perfectionism while quaint and lovely has got you all hysterical, and if you truely were a brilliant perfectionist you would reach every goal you ever set which you haven't. Now go write the lousiest piece of crap and don't re-read it until tomorrow, then re-read it once, make your corrections. Get started on your second paper. Repeat until finished. Eat 3 good meals, sleep plenty, take regular breaks while staying focused on your task at hand.

All the other hysterical crap is happily (conciously or unconciously) distracting you from completing your goal... you just want a littany of excuses not to because that's easier for you to do, pull the finger out - you can do it...

petethebrick

Just get the work done - even if you hand in crap you'll pass at least I'm sure. Most GP's will give you some sort of note saying that you suffer from depression or something if you tell them you do and you can hand that in to maybe be granted extenuating circumstances.

sin mar ata

petethebrick wrote: »

Just get the work done - even if you hand in crap you'll pass at least I'm sure. Most GP's will give you some sort of note saying that you suffer from depression or something if you tell them you do and you can hand that in to maybe be granted extenuating circumstances.

I was going to suggest this. You may have been well enough to do it but listen be utterly selfish and get a letter from your counsellor/doctor. Write a cover letter yourself and get that extra extention.

bloodedrose

Unregistered wrote: »

College, etc

This sorta happened to me. I utterly lost the ability to work in 4th year. I did great with my thesis in the first half of the year, and then kinda fell over.
I didn't even bother coming into college most days, didn't study, did feck all, to the point that I went on a wee holiday about 6 weeks before my finals.
I was so worried about messing up my exams, that I think my brain just went "Don't try, if you don't try, then you will totally fail, but it will be better than trying and failing"

But, I dunno, something in my head pinged. I did not want to face my family, or friends, or reflection if I screwed it all up. My fear of fear of failing was bigger than my fear of failing. If you get me.

Pulled 4th year out of me arse, got my 2:1, score.

OP, you can do it. If you like, you can pm me, I'll give you my msn and cheer-lead you til you get your degree. (I work lates, so I totally don't sleep.)