Physically rejected all the time

LegacyUser

With my partner for 4 years. Sex has never been something thats been plentiful. In the last year or so its really been bothering me more than normal. I've sat her down numerous times to say that I need more than sex once every 2/6 weeks.

Sometimes we may have sex twice in a week and not again for a month. Sometimes we may have sex and not again for 6 weeks and a lot of the time I feel like she does it just to placate me. Personally have a a pretty high sex drive I would usually masturbate at least once a day, sometimes more and sometimes a lot more.

The girlfriend on the other hand is not really bothered by sex and the main reason is that she hates her body. We've talked about it many times but she has such a hangup about it I don't think it's something she'll ever get past. Now I should say that she has went from a size 16 to a size 6 in the space of a year due to her putting in a trememdous amount of work.
She is in amazing shape and if i had my choice we'd be at it like rabbits. But whenever I try to initiate sex she says no and I know its because she's got major body hang ups.

Now comes the decision, as I have said I understand where she is coming from but I'm so frustrated I just want to leave. She's too embarrassed to go to a counsellor. I always compliment her on how beautiful, gorgeous and sexy she is but it feels like i'm talking to myself.

Were in our late 20's and things are I suppose getting to the point where I'll pop the question but when I think that I'll be stuck in an (almost) sexless relationship it makes me so depressed.

Its come to a head in the last couple of months, It was both my birthday, her birthday, we spent 2 nights in a hotel for our xmas parties, christmas and new year and I had made an effort to not initiate things to see if she would but she hasn't come near me apart from kisses. I should also say that the lack of sex is also a lack of other sexual contact, oral etc.

So I've not had any sexual contact in 2 months, If i stay with her I'm not sure when I will have it next. I think I want to leave her but I'm so confused. My heart says stay because I love her but my head says I'm not getting what I need so I should leave.

Sorry for the rant but I could use some advice, thanks

dudara

How is your relationship otherwise (apart from the sex)? I'm curious about the motivation for her weight loss. Going from size 16 to 6 is a huge loss, so I'm wondering why she did it?

banshee_bones

dudara wrote: »

How is your relationship otherwise (apart from the sex)? I'm curious about the motivation for her weight loss. Going from size 16 to 6 is a huge loss, so I'm wondering why she did it?

+1


Thats is tremendous indeed, but yes how is your relationship otherwise?

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

How is your relationship otherwise (apart from the sex)? I'm curious about the motivation for her weight loss. Going from size 16 to 6 is a huge loss, so I'm wondering why she did it?

Op here, Its pretty good, we do a lot together but we also have our own lives. We both enjoy travel so do as much as we can. We both get on well with each others families and friends.

The reason was that we are at a wedding and she was bridesmaid and for one of the pictures she was caught at a less than flattering angle. She's tall so she holds her weight well but when she seen the picture she just freaked out and that was it, she joined a gym stopped drinking stopped smoking, eat extremely healthily, I thought she was gorgeous before hand but now she is stunning

Overheal

Donegalfella is right. To a guy, being asked for sex great sure, but for her it can be nothing but harrassment.

LegacyUser

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Sorry I dont mean it in school teacher way! I explained to her that I would really like it if we could be intimate more i didnt exactly eman full sex but foreplay only happens when sex happens. The rest of the time its just kissses and hugs. I mean we do quite a lot of that. We would be a very affectionate couple but when it comes to being sexually intimate it stops. We do a lot together, travel and we share other interests. I even watch the soaps with her We took up kayaking a few months ago so I don't see that as the issue. (maybe i'm wrong though)

The thing is she has no problem being affectionate aslong as it doesnt involve being naked!
If we go to a club we'll go dancing and eat the face off each other, if we go shopping we'll be holding hands for the day etc As said we go on travelling a bit we tend to go to destinations where she doesnt have to put on a bikini. I think she hates her body and is afraid to let me (or anyone else see it). I have let it go before where I have not initated anything, the last time I tried it it got to 6 weeks and my will broke. Now were at 8 weeks. I havent tried it on once and still nothing from her.

neuro-praxis

I once read a quote somewhere along the lines of, "A man needs to have sex to feel loved. A woman needs to feel loved to have sex."

Of course, it's not always the case, but in long-termers....well there's more than a hint of truth there.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, been in a similar situation except I'm female. He had/still has problems and issues,and eventually we parted after marriage,kids. It was hell and I wouldn't wish it on any one. It's a long, lonely existence with no sex in a relationship.

Your GF has issues and the sex is part of it. It took me years of counselling to figure out that I had to love myself and realise I was worth a normal, healthy natural relationship. A friend of mine had pointed it out to me but I did not listen,and boy did I have a long lonely celibate existence. And all the love in the world couldn't change my ex and his issues with sex that stemmed from emotional problems, poor self esteem.

So please,please find someone who can give you what you deserve cos you can't change her no matter how much you love her..and don't waste your life like I did.

Chardee MacDennis

Overheal wrote: »

Donegalfella is right. To a guy, being asked for sex great sure, but for her it can be nothing but harrassment.

hang on a second, ever other thread people go on about communication and how vital it is to get to the root of the problem, this guy says he is doing that and two people say it could be off putting to her . well if he cant talk about it with her, then who?

LegacyUser

exactly what i was going to say bastardprince

ive been in a very similar position, my ex girlfriend had vaginismus throughout our 8 year relationship and downright refused to go to counselling because she was so embarrassed, when i tried to sit her down to talk about it she simply couldnt deal with the situation and would have happily went through months on end without even oral sex. it was a major factor in why we didnt last despite the fact that we got on so well.

b3t4

Look you're going to have to be honest with her.

Your 'I would like us to be more intimate' has 'I want SEX' written all over it for her. She knows you want sex, you know you want sex but you're being all fluffy about it which means that neither of ye are truly treating this issue as a serious one.

Talk to her and be honest that the problem she has with her body is seriously upsetting you and jepordising your relationship. Ask her does she have any suggetions on how ye might get past the place you're at right now? Ask her would she feel comfortable with you going to the counsellor office with her? Hold her hand, so to speak? Tell her you'd be keen to go along with her if she needed that level of support? Tell her that ye can go to a GP (not her own if she'd prefer) and get a referral to a counsellor of some sort.

But let her be under no illusion that the current situation is an acceptable one for you.

But also, you might have to face up to the fact that she might just have a different sex drive to yours and that ye might not be compatible sexually.

Go to counselling and stop torturing yourselves.

A.

LegacyUser

yeah, you do need to tell her straight up, but you also need to put in the legwork with reassurance and/or helping her find a counsellor or something if that would help. I don't like my body and I've had eating issues in the past but I'll put that out of my mind for my bf for two reasons - one, his sex drive is higher than mine and I appreciate that and don't want to let him get frustrated; two, he makes me *feel* confident in myself, when I do let the walls down. it's give and take, and if the two of us weren't willing to put in the effort for the other one, we wouldn't have gotten this far (a year and a half and counting).

pseudonym1

OP Dramatic weight loss like that sounds suspect - did she take any pills I am no doctor but suspect if your body changes so quickly there are bound to be effects - prehaps one is her libidio!

Did you want to have sex love your girlfreinds body as much when she was bigger?Has she always been like this? Have you given her any possible reason to feel uncomfortable and shy away from intimacy?

I once went out with a guy who didnt have a very high sex drive. I couldn't understand or get this was sure it was something he disliked or me to some extent. We were on a totally different level when it came to sex and how frequently it happened - sometimes was weeks. Truth of matter is - he did just have a low sex drive and mine was high that was simply it - drove me mental!
Sexual compatiability is very important imo!

Hope this helps
Best of luck!

LegacyUser

pseudonym1 wrote: »

OP Dramatic weight loss like that sounds suspect - did she take any pills I am no doctor but suspect if your body changes so quickly there are bound to be effects - prehaps one is her libidio!

Did you want to have sex love your girlfreinds body as much when she was bigger?Has she always been like this? Have you given her any possible reason to feel uncomfortable and shy away from intimacy?

I once went out with a guy who didnt have a very high sex drive. I couldn't understand or get this was sure it was something he disliked or me to some extent. We were on a totally different level when it came to sex and how frequently it happened - sometimes was weeks. Truth of matter is - he did just have a low sex drive and mine was high that was simply it - drove me mental!
Sexual compatiability is very important imo!

Hope this helps
Best of luck!

No she took no pills, she was in the gym 6 days a week walked to work every day (5 mile round trip) cut our drinking, smoking, junk food etc so it was all natural.

Yep she was always like this even when she was bigger and as I have said I thought she was gorgeous then.

I dont think I've given her any reason to not want to be intimate with me.

pseudonym1

Unregistered wrote: »

No she took no pills, she was in the gym 6 days a week walked to work every day (5 mile round trip) cut our drinking, smoking, junk food etc so it was all natural.

Yep she was always like this even when she was bigger and as I have said I thought she was gorgeous then.

I dont think I've given her any reason to not want to be intimate with me.

I didn' t think it was anything you may have done. There is more to life then sex - 2 months is not normal !
Sounds to me a reason for this besides a low sex drive. As suggested previously try councelling!

Best of luck

Das Kitty

She's tall and a size 6? Yikes, that's extreme.
I'm guessing she can't take a compliment from you about her figure?

If so your lady needs help with her body hangups and probably from someone external. If the only reason she doesn't like sex is that she hates her body she needs to sort it out. You're both missing out, there is nothing better than sex with the person you love, but if you're thinking, "oh god my belly is massive" in the middle it ruins it.

neuro-praxis

Maybe you should encourage her to find ways to like and accept herself. Ultimately, only she can make those changes and decisions. Perhaps counselling could be a part of that process. The lack of sex is most likely a symptom of other problems (as you are aware) rather than the problem itself.

andrewh5

Das Kitty wrote: »

She's tall and a size 6? Yikes, that's extreme.

+1

She has gone too far in her weight loss. She must look like a stick.

I agree with other posters that she needs counselling.

Wagon

Yeah she needs a counceller but she's too embarrased to go. That's the problem. She isn't even taking the first step.

Sometimes a kick up the arse helps. Give her an ultimatum, and tell her that exactly what's happening.

1. You are starting to resent her and are feeling pretty down about it yourself (if you wearn't you wouldn't be posting here)
2. She is not making any effort to get better as it's easier for her to just avoid tackeling the issue.
3. If she's not prepared to take the first step then you'll leave her.

Tell her you'll be with her all the way, but also tell her that she needs to take the first step and make the effort. Otherwise man, you may as well just leave.

LegacyUser

Is she on the pill?

Not saying it's the same for all women or all brands of the pill, but it killed my sex drive when I was on it. Totally obliterated it. Caused huge problems in my relationship at the time.

Also - it might not be about the relationship - what does she believe about sex, what's her attitude towards it? Could she subconsciously be terrified of becoming pregnant? There are other physical and mental health issues that have an impact on sex drive and sexual desire - some of them aren't obvious at all, ie. very few symptoms.

LegacyUser

Be careful about telling her how gorgeous and sexy she is all the time. It's clear that she has issues with her body and self-esteem, and she also must know that you want more sex. So unfortunately she will probably associate these compliments which reference how she looks with you "wanting something from her" and they may even be counter-productive in causing her to become defensive. As in, if she has a skewed idea about her body being unattractive, but you tell her she's looking sexy, she immediately thinks "aargh I know I'm not sexy so he's only saying this to get me to do stuff".

Instead try and support her self esteem by communicating how much you love the real her, the person, independent of her body. Praise other things about her when you want to compliment her - personality, kindness, making you laugh, thoughtfulness, kayaking skills, whatever. Just leave appearance out of it for a while.

(I do also agree with other posters that she might find counselling helpful but she will only go when she's ready, and in the meanwhile my suggestion above is to try and get out of the current cycles you are in with demand/rejection/resentment and focus on the other aspects of what you love about each other.)