Does real love exist?

Giggy

I know this one is a hard one to answer but I wouldn't mind hearing some opinions on it. Does that real love exist where you are meant to be with someone and you know deep down in your heart and soul that you love the person you are with. Or do you constantly have to work at a relationship for it to last and at times there's a doubt that just lingers in your heart.

I'm going out with someone for the last 4 years and maybe in the last year or so I've just had that doubting feeling. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much because I know I do love him but I just always wonder if I'm meant to be with him. If he asked me to marry him I'm not sure what I'd say. I enjoy his company and he's a good person. Of course there's times we drive each other mad but we don't argue a lot. I would just give anything to have that certain feeling and have absolutely no doubts in my mind. But because I don't have this do you think it's not meant to be?

G&T

What you have sound's to me like a healthy fear
of commitment and a bit of bordom.
There is no way of knowing for sure if
thing's will work out "happily ever after"
I think you should enjoy what you have,
the grass is not (imo) greener on the othert side.
All relationships require work,if you have more good day's
than bad i wouldn't worry.
Maybe thing's have just gone a bit stale,
arrange to do more "date" like thing's together.
Treat your relationship like a bank account,
you get out of it what you put in.

Craft25

I believe 'meant to be' is a very dangerous concept, that leads alot of people to give up on a relationship, or play away too early..

they say the almost druglike feeling of being 'luvvd up' wears off after 3 years and this is when the majority of relationships break up..

Imho if you work at it, do some of the things mentioned above, both have a realistic perspective, you might be able to come to a more realistic deal than 'written in the stars' that allows you to grow together..

talk to people/friends together 10yrs+, ask about some of their ups and downs and how they got past them

LegacyUser

Hey, you sound like you are exactly where I was at 3 years into my relationship.Believe me it nearly killed me and our relationship.I became totally obsessed by how I felt each time I saw him, and whether or not I felt the "right" way, and how that should feel.
Anyway, I eventually (after about 6 months!) came to several conclusions. I don't think there is only one person for everyone.You are always going to meet people that make you think about what might have been. Whether you act on these thoughts or not is what causes the real trouble.
You would not be human if you didn't have doubts.Some people are just lucky enough not to worry a lot about stuff like that. The majority of people...yeah it crosses their minds.(usually girls!). I've been told by so many people who are happily (and long-term) married that the weeks leading up to their weddings they had some serious panic about what they were doing.The grass will always be a bit greener somewhere else.You have to realise that you are actually taking as big a chance by staying with him as you would be by leaving him.....and that's okay.I really don't think you should worry about whether or not you are meant to be.You sound pretty good to me,but if you are meant to be, it'll work out.Unfortunately, it's as simple as that!
I agree with G&T.You'll get out of your relationship what you put into it.I remember hearing somewhere (probably a film) that love is like a muscle, it requires constant work to keep it fit!Look, everyone has bad days, but the good days make up for them.And what happens if you do decide to leave?you eventually get into another relationship, then 3 or 4 years passes, and you start to feel like this again?If it ain't broke don't fix it!
I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm just going to tell you that doubting is totally normal, and as G&T suggests, try and spice things up a bit.Otherwise if it's working for you then why leave it?
(Btw my boyfriend and myself are together 6 years now and have bought a house in the last year, which we moved into several months ago!It can work!)

Giggy

Wow thanks a million for your advice everyone, I really do feel better already. That's exactly how I am guest, getting totally obsessed about how I feel everytime I see him. I think I definitely had myself panicked for some reason but we do have a pretty good thing so there's no reason why it shouldn't work. I guess I just have to stop obsessing and start doing some fun stuff together and putting a bit more work in.

Thanks again

LegacyUser

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!

Ok, it's a quote from the movie Captain Corelli's Mandolin and it was a rubbish adaptation of a marvellous book but this quote tells me how love really is - yes, romance/anticipation/sex is great but it's the warmth of the love of a real relationship that matters. Yes, you have to work at it but anything worth having is worth the effort!!

Das Kitty

Yes, you always have to work at your relationship. Doing so shows how much you care about it!

I've been with my husband for a total of 9 years and I have to say, right now I am the happiest I have ever been. Whilst the thrill of new love was great it did bring a huge amount of anxiety and uncertainty with it. You also can't expect for things to always be good, there will be up and down times, times where you question your feelings or the other person's feelings, however they're usually followed by times of greater intimacy that you've ever known. Love is a journey not a destination*

*(oh god, just made myself puke a little!)

An Fear Aniar

Finding "the one" is a ridiculous myth that exists only is western industrialised society. Real love is not nearly so glamourous but it is real.


.

abi2007

I think true love does exist, I truely loved my X however he wasn't willing to change his behaviour (i'm talking major issues) so we could be together. I think you have to work at every relationship. Both people will have different ideas on how things should be but it's how you come to a decision that makes things work...

LegacyUser

hey OP, i just recently broke up with my GF of 3 and a half years over this exact thing. it was such a huge decision and really hard to do but i felt like if i didnt do it id always have regrets and maybe one day waking up and knowing i definitly didnt want to be there but by that stage it might have been too late with kids, house etc...

She by all accounts was great and we had a really good relationship but for some reason it never felt right, there was always a doubt in my mind so i made my decision and i stand by it, there is a possibility it will be the biggest mistake of my life but then again there is the possibility that the grass actually WILL be greener on the other side so only time will tell.

Anyways it took me numerous tries to actually break up, i could just never get the words out, and i think that was down to the fact that the relationship was good and i could have comfortably stayed in it for the time being but the doubts would still be there eating away at me and i feared that id wake up trapped one day!

It was kind of like a viscious circle for me, as in id be totally happy for a weeks or so with her, then the doubts would be back for a while, the id be totally happy again then the doubts would be back and it was very tiring, i just wished i could be happy all the time, i really did, i cursed the doubts!!

well its 3 weeks on now and i feel ok, still think about her and sometimes its tempting to try get back with her but where will that leave me?? back at square one?? but things arent so bad, it just takes some adjusting to get used to.

Finally id like to point out that i think there is more than 1 person for everyone too, probably a lot of perfect matches for everone but i do believe in true love...that is when your with someone you have absolutely no doubts that youd be happy to end up with them, i think the fact that you have doubts speaks for itself, you probably dont want to hear that though!

sorry for the lenght but its a perspective from the other side!

Das Kitty

samesituation wrote: »

i do believe in true love...that is when your with someone you have absolutely no doubts that youd be happy to end up with them

Show me a person who has never had doubts about the person they're with and I'll show you a liar.

Did you talk to your ex about your misgivings before breaking up?

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

Show me a person who has never had doubts about the person they're with and I'll show you a liar.

Did you talk to your ex about your misgivings before breaking up?

Well said. My friend has been recently dumped by a similar type of person to Same Situation and I think he/she is talking crap! They will be very disappointed in life if they expect everything to be perfect. People like that tend to be very self centred and only love themselves. In ways, Same Situation you have done your ex partner a favour but you have also wasted 3 and half years of their life through your own selfishness.

So, OP, love is something that grows, requires give and take, empathy and understanding.

Good luck :-)

Mr. Incognito

Is this a PI

Humanities surely?

LegacyUser

@ Das Kitty: Im sure there are some people who have had no doubts, i intend to be one of them, as i said it may be a mistake but thats life! Re: my ex, well the problem was solely in my mind so there was no need to talk about it, it was something i tried to resolve in my own head but it was impossible. also ill add that it wasnt a spur decision, i thought about it long and hard.

@ Barina: I think your reply was very gun ho there, i dont claim to know it all but you seem to think you certainly do. I certainly dont expect everything to be perfect nor do i think i implied that in what i said but i do believe in finding "the one" for lack of a better term. (and yes there are probably many "ones"). I believe i have done my ex a favour and im sorry i couldnt let her go earlier, yes it was selfish but it wasnt a decision i could come to lightly so i had to make sure it ws what i felt...admittedly i was stringing her along for some time which i truly regret. Similarly i woldnt consider it a "waste" of 3+ years but rather an experience, i certainly dont regret it but perhaps only regret the outcome.

To the OP: im my humble opinion i realise love is something that grows and has to be worked on but the question was does "REAL" love exist, no doubts, no second thoughts etc and i think it does, of course what do i know i havent found it yet but the others who claim it doesnt, i honestly believe they are resigned to the fact that it doesnt because they havent found it and carry a slight chip on their shoulder preaching to others that its all nonsence!! A load of Hocus Pocus!

well....you only get 1 life and its too short for "what if's" so heres to finding out......

LegacyUser

I think after 4 years everyone has doubts. The first excitement of love fades and you wonder if this is it. I always see if you can imagine your life without them, and how this makes you feel. I have had two serious relationships, one for 3 years that ended because, although he was a great man, there was something missing. The thought of being with him forever depressed me. When dating my current partner, after 4 years the initial excitement had definately waned but much of that is due to seeing them so much (you can't maintain that level of excitement for seeing the same person everyday!), the stresses of life such as jobs, mortagage and bills etc. However, the difference this time is that when I imagine being without him, or worry that something bad has happened to him (happens when yopu wake up at 4am and he's still on the booze!) I realise how much I would miss him and how much I want him.
That said, people do go through different stages in relationships, so your doubts could pass. I think you need to spend quality time together, do fun stuff (rather than just sitting around drinking tea) and new things, and if you constatnly feel that you'd rather be somewhere else or with someone else then maybe it's time for a break.

biko

Giggy wrote: »

I would just give anything to have that certain feeling and have absolutely no doubts in my mind. But because I don't have this do you think it's not meant to be?

I blame Sex and the city, Disney and American films in general for screwing with young girls minds.
There is no Happily ever after. Everyone has doubts. Relationships have their ups and down like life in general.
m2c

Giggy

I agree biko, those romcom's definitely give us girls an unrealistic expectation. I often wondered were those films to blame and all those happily ever after books and films when we were young. Real life is a different story I know but I'm guilty of wondering is there some people who just know for sure.

And samesituation, I wouldn't hold anything against you for everything you said. Sometimes I think along those lines but i think you probably had gone further than just having doubts. I think you probably fell out of love but i haven't come to that yet. I'm going to give 'working through the doubts' a go because we do have something good I think and I don't think it would be right to throw that away just because I'm having a few doubts. If the doubts get stronger then I'm sure I would have to think about the whole thing more seriously. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts, it really has helped.

Wibbs

Do I think it exists? Yep, though rarely enough. Do I think there's the "one"? technically no, but this is where I would diverge from the reductionist types.. There are billions of people on the planet, yes, but you're not going to meet billions. You're actually going to meet thousands and of those thousands, only a few will you find attractive and of them only a few will feel the same way. Then only a few of those will be available and fewer again at the same level of emotional growth as you. So yes the possibilities are endless, but in practical terms and within the time constraints of life, you're down to maybe 10 people at most to choose from. Of those you will be for the most part compatible. Out of that lot, there good very easily be "one" where you will grow more than with the others. So I do think the "one" has some currency.

Romcoms etc do have a lot to answer for as far as unrealistic expectations go. Our biology has a part to play too. The in love feelings only last 3/4 years at most. After that your mind is in more control. That's the time most couples go bang IME

Will you have doubts? Yes, but like anonyi said if you can't imagine your life without them that's a good start.

VeryBerry

Giggy wrote: »

I know this one is a hard one to answer but I wouldn't mind hearing some opinions on it. Does that real love exist where you are meant to be with someoneand you know deep down in your heart and soul that you love the person you are with. Or do you constantly have to work at a relationship for it to last and at times there's a doubt that just lingers in your heart.

I think real love is a combination of both these things. Deep down in your heart and soul, most of the time you do know you love the person you're with. But sometimes the realities of life (paying mortgages and bills, working, communting, your partner leaving his tea-bags on the counter :rolleyes:) can get in the way of that love, and give you doubts about the relationship. And those are the times when you need to work at things - and you do work at them, because you love your partner and want to be with them in the long-run. I think if you're not willing to work at things, that's the real sign its not "meant to be".

I'm with my hubby 10 years (married for 2), and there's times its been like the "Sex and The City/Disneyesque/Hollywood" romance - and not just in the first three years either. But there's other times it's been very, very tough and we've really had to work at it. A few times we've come very close to breaking up.

I think relationships are like any other aspect of life; there's ups and downs, but mostly we just muddle along from day to day waiting for the good times and trying to get through the bad times. I suppose the best thing about having a partner, is there is someone there to share it all with. (sorry, really vomit-inducing I know!)

Das Kitty

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7784366.stm

Giggy

Das Kitty, that was brilliant how did you find it. I think that's what's wrong with me now after reading that! It must be totally crazy of me to be thinking things will be magically perfect.

Das Kitty

It was in the news a few weeks ago.

Wibbs

I have to say more women than men have unrealistic notions about love. That's what those romcoms etc are aimed at. The BBC link says "people" who watch them are more likely to think of fate and destiny, but lets face it few enough men do. I've very very rarely heard a man use terms like "the one". They're generally more pragmatic especially a few years down the line. Of course it could be argued they're in general more blase too a few years down the line and that leas to problems. I would say more women dump men after the first few years than the other way around and a lot of that is done to a lot of men settling into a status quo and not working on keeping affection and romance interesting and new.

I agree with VeryBerry when she says the in love feelings are not just restricted to the first few years, but I think they're of a different kind. The heady novelty of a new relationship is clearly not there in those times. They're a re awakening of those feelings with the same person rather than a new person. Usually because that person has kept it interesting and fresh so those feelings don't get focused elsewhere. Shared experience replaces the novelty too to some degree.

IMHO Too often women look for emotional novelty and too often men get lazy and don't keep the interest going. That's when things go south.

LegacyUser

I had a girlfriend for nearly a decade and while I felt I loved her I had constant doubts about spending my life with her.

We broke up and I met my current partner about 5 years ago. I have to say I have absolutely no doubts about how I feel about her and she constantly says the same. We still bicker and have issues and although we are very different and independent people none of these things have made me doubt for a second how I feel about her.
We aren't married and have no intention of doing so but I feel that we share an unbreakable bond. I certainly never believed I could feel this way about anyone but now that I do it is the most natural feeling in the world.
Hope you find some for yourself.
True love ftw!

Annie Bananie

These thoughts are my personal ones and is how I believe it is. I am not in any way saying that this is the complete truth or how everyone else think it is:

I think all loves are real loves. Every time you fall in love, you are in love with that person, no matter if it lasts 1 month or 40 years.

I think love is also alot about choice. I love my boyfriend very much and I choose to be with him. Despite his bad habits, snoring, smoking cigarettes way too much or whatever that I find annoying, I still choose to be with him I meet other men every day: at my work, my friends or just on the street. And I still choose to be with him.

When we fall out of love, we usually choose not to be with that person anymore. But that does not mean we did not love them in the first place or that the love we felt was unreal in any way or worth less.

(yes you can ofc choose to be with someone even though you do not love them anymore, but I do not see the point of it).

Also there are different kinds of love. We love lots of people in our lives and most of them in different ways. Just as some of our friends can be best friends, I think some of your bf/gf can give you stronger feelings of love. And the ones we feel stronger for, we feel like they are "the one" or our "soul mate". Still, not all of these relationship lasts forever. Still they were real love

As others posted, a relationship is most definitely something you have to work on all the time. You do not get together and then are happy for the rest of your lives without any effort put into it. And I think that every day, you make that choice; do I want to work on it or not?

So to me, love is wanting to make the effort and making that choice

RuailleBuaille

abi2007 wrote: »

I think true love does exist, I truely loved my X however he wasn't willing to change his behaviour (i'm talking major issues) so we could be together. I think you have to work at every relationship. Both people will have different ideas on how things should be but it's how you come to a decision that makes things work...

Interesting point. I think that if you want him to change or the future of your relationshiip is dependent on him being different then you're not in love with him at all, just the idea of what you'd like him to be.

OP the best relationships are the ones that worked through the shite, miserable times and made it to the other side (before they hit the next miserable stage ) Life is up and down, relationships are no different.

Good luck with it whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

Love is an idea. Just like paradise is an idea.

Sure u get people that still look at each other in an adoring and 'in love' way after being like 60 yrs together. But they r few and far between. I believe that this/it can happen, but u have to be extremely lucky and circumstances have to be really in ur favour to meet that person. Like winning the lottery. It can happen but u have to be extremely lucky.

For the other 99.9%.....u have to work on it.