I Just Don't Know Anymore!

SugarRush

OK, so I'm currently living in away from home, in a foreign country for my gap year, and have been for the last three months. During those three months my boyfriend of 4 years as hardly spoken to me, and when we have spoken it usually ends in us argueing - normally over not having been in contact.

I returned to Dublin, where I lived with my family before I left, for Christmas on the 23rd of December, but spent the holidays with my family in Galway. We've still hardly had any contact and when we met up the other day, for the first time since I left, well, it was disastrous.

I was greeted by a miserable hello, then told to sit down. Then we sat in silence, pretty much, for the next while. I left the room, we met in the kitchen, received a pathetic hug ever, a simple peck and he mumbled that he missed me. I returned to the living room after a while, as it was warmer, and sat there with his sister and her friend (thank my lucky stars I know and talk to them) for about 30 minutes. He came back, we got pizza, watched some TV and then he disappeared upstairs for about an hour until I left. I knocked on the door and said goodbye, so did he.

That was it.


I don't know if I want to continue on this relationship, but he has had some family problems in the last year that I know have contributed to his behaviour towards everyone and I don't want to make things worse. And of course, I do love him. But I don't want to be treated in this manner.



What do you think?

MagicMarker

How did he feel about you leaving for a year?

It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship tbh, or at the very least it doesn't sound like he wants to wait the year you'll be gone.

SugarRush

He thought it was a great opportunity. So did I, but now I'm very unhappy over there, it's my circumstances there that have led to the unhappiness not just him and his attitude, and I have been considering moving home.

DamoKen

have you talked with him about it? from what you've written it doesn't look like the two of you have talked about anything least of all what's going on with him and you. You said he's had some family problems over the last year which have affected him but you don't sound like you've talked about that either even though that could be the nub of it.

to be honest deciding to leave the relationship without trying to sort things out, talk about whats bothering him etc would be a lot worse and more painful than trying to get to the bottom of whats currently going on. At the least you'll have attempted to deal with it rathering than just walking away without trying.

up to you of course, do you think what you have is worth the effort? Couples can go through difficult times, getting through them together is what makes a couple. That of course requires him to make an effort as well, if he can't be bothered than there's no point. It sounds like he is either trying to let the relationship just die out, or he could be depressed. Hard to tell from the limited information.

You're not having an easy time at the moment being away, which could also be affecting you and the distance can make it a lot harder to try and sort out whats happening between you. But until you talk to him about it properly, you're not going to know why he is acting like he is. You've been together 4 years but it sounds like your communication with each other has gone out the window. Sit him down and talk.

conf101

Having recently spent a year abroad and keeping a long-term relationship going throughout that year I know how difficult it can be. When I left for my year abroad myself and my gf were in a very solid relationship, and now that I'm back things are great, but while I was away there were some very tough times. Long distance relationships are very difficult and the most important thing to make them work is communication. It sounds to me like communication between you and your bf are at a standstill. It may well be that your relationship is coming to an end but like another poster said above, don't just bail out now without trying to get to the root of the problem first. 4 years is a long time to just give up on something without fighting for it.

As regards to not being happy on your year abroad: I have no idea what you're doing where you are so it might not be my place to comment but I know when I was away (I was studying in Germany for a year) I found the first 4 months very difficult and, like you, was contemplating going home but I stuck at it and ended up loving my time away. A year can seem like a very long time but my attitude was that it will all be over quicker than I think and I don't want to look back on a wasted chance!

Just my 2 cents, hope it helps!

funloving

conf101 wrote: »

Long distance relationships are very difficult and the most important thing to make them work is communication. It sounds to me like communication between you and your bf are at a standstill. It may well be that your relationship is coming to an end but like another poster said above, don't just bail out now without trying to get to the root of the problem first.

QUOTE]

Communication is EVERYTHING when the distance is involved...
To make it work both must put the same efforts and try and feel close to each other as mush as they can!

SugarRush

Don't think I haven't tried speaking to him. I have. He's just not being very responsive and with regard to his family problems, he gets very defensive and won't speak to me at all when I try to.

SugarRush

I have been fighting. It's tiring, I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired.

funloving

SugarRush wrote: »

I have been fighting. It's tiring, I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired.

I know it can be very tiring..I've gone through the same dear...
Try and understand why exactly he's acting this way..generally when somebody has a problem or something he needs the partner to talk to and get some relief!

SugarRush

But you see, I understand what he's going through, I've been through it myself. And I've tried talking to him but he just shuts down.

DeCoR18

SugarRush wrote: »

But you see, I understand what he's going through, I've been through it myself. And I've tried talking to him but he just shuts down.

Have you tried telling him you're going to end it if he doesn't cop on a bit?

SugarRush

You have no idea how tempted I am. Using those exact words. I'm so sick of pussyfooting around him.

SugarRush

I have told him I'm fed up of our situation, and he apologises. But then we just go back t the same thing again.

DeCoR18

SugarRush wrote: »

You have no idea how tempted I am. Using those exact words. I'm so sick of pussyfooting around him.

I'm sure he'll come round if he's faced with the prospect of losing you, thats presumably he loves you etc etc.

SugarRush

Or just say OK, there's the door :S

funloving

SugarRush wrote: »

I have told him I'm fed up of our situation, and he apologises. But then we just go back t the same thing again.

you have no idea how much I understand you..you talk and talk,he says he understand and he's sorry he's being like this and in the best scenario the different behaviour lasts a few days and then back to the old habit!!!

SugarRush

funloving wrote: »

you have no idea how much I understand you..you talk and talk,he says he understand and he's sorry he's being like this and in the best scenario the different behaviour lasts a few days and then back to the old habit!!!

Oh yeah. And a few days if I'm lucky.

funloving

SugarRush wrote: »

Oh yeah. And a few days if I'm lucky.[/QUOTE
]

I've been asking the same things..is my bf like this because of the distance or there's more to it?is it a case of bottling emotions up? where are you living abroad by the way?

SugarRush

Yup that's it. And occasionally, is there someone else?

Madrid. Great city.

funloving

SugarRush wrote: »

Yup that's it. And occasionally, is there someone else?

Madrid. Great city.

the eternal dilemma..is there another girl??? well,another woman can always be even if you live next door to your lover..

Madrid is great..Spain in general is! Make the most of your time there,you have this opportunity of living abroad and doing different things...

Dont waste it

Wibbs

Honestly? And I'm not generally one to say leggit, but what are you getting from this? Drama? Yes. Support? It seems not. Loving attention that should come as part of a couple? Nope not that either. So why on earth are you staying with him? Now we could go back and forth here about how he may be feeling bad about you leaving or whatever, but for gods sake he's not a child, so if that is the case he's a dead loss. Again why are you staying with him in a bad relationship when the world is at your feet?

SugarRush

When you put it like that, I have no idea.

DamoKen

DeCoR18 wrote: »

Have you tried telling him you're going to end it if he doesn't cop on a bit?

that's something I wish my other half had done, not told me to cop on but to listen. Something that was really bothering her but I didn't see it, she finally walked saying she'd tried to talk about it and I wouldn't listen.

Trying to talk about it involved saying one night after a really bad day in work, tired etc that there is something bothering her about something stupid I'd done. I was too tired to talk about it, instead said don't worry about it, we can talk later and gave her a hug and a kiss :rolleyes:. Wasn't brought up again so I forgot about it, obviously she didn't. Never realised it was something that REALLY bothered her. If I had I would now be married to her

depends on how much you love this guy OP, if you do say we talk or I walk and he still refuses then he's an idiot and you'd be right to leave.

SugarRush

I did send him an email the other day:

We need to have a long and OPEN conversation.
And I mean WE, not me.

He said he will. At the weekend. Unfortunately I happen to be going back Madrid at the weekend too. So we may resolve this but then I'm away again.

estar

maybe he wants you to break it off - he wants you to make up his mind for him

tell him how you feel, and say if contact doesnt improve - even if it is moaning about his family its off.

SugarRush

I did tell him that I wasn't happy and he said he felt the same. Wouldn't say why, said he'd wait til the weekend. So I do see that as a possibility.

But it's just killing me, because we've shared so much together.

estar

you have a choice, remember the good times, and end it before they are totally replaced with memories of unhappiness, or struggle on.

you can't make someone communicate if they choose not too.

SugarRush

:S