Ex-Boyf wants access to house after breakup

LegacyUser

ive recently broken up with my long term bf. We've a 1yr old child and since she was born he hasnt helped me much wit her and is a big drinker when he wants to be. He was been constantly goin out lately and sometimes not coming home or leaving me to pay for everything for child. I also suspect he's been seeing someone else. After a lot arguements the relationship is now over for good. We've a mortgage together on our house and we've agreed that ill keep living there and we can switch the mortgage to interest only for a while until i find my feet. The house will still be in both our names as the bank wont let me take on mortgage on my own (i work full time).
The problem is that he's saying he wont give back his key and ive said if that's the case ill change the locks as he cant just be lettin himself in when he feels. My point is that ill be the one living in house and paying the interest on the mortgage and i dont want him showing up to check on me. He's saying the house wil still b half his and he has every right to access his house. He did say that he wouldnt show up unannounced and wud ring 1st.

Am i being unreasonable looking for privacy and not wanting him 2 have access anytime he wants to house and i also dont trust him to not show up drunk.

BroomBurner

He's right. While he is paying for the house, it is his to come and stay in/visit whenever he wants. I'm assuming he isn't actually abusive towards you and your child.

Would it be possible for the two of you to sell the house, or for you to buy him out?

Beta Ray Bill

BroomBurner wrote: »

Would it be possible for the two of you to sell the house, or for you to buy him out?

Selling the house is your best option.
My own mother was in this situation for 22 years. trust me, it's not nice.

You will find it his house until stuff like renovation comes into play. then it will be your house and you will have to pick up the Bills.

I think selling is the best option available to you.

dumbyearbook

OP go get some legal advice here, you should'nt have to feel uncomfortable in you're own home ever particularily where there is a child involved - even if your ex owns the other half. Its a complex situation not black and white imo.

I would imagine that you could maybe rent a room and pay him this to get him out this might lead to costs for a solicitor to sort or otherwise eg mediate etc. but would be worth it.

Selling a house in the current climate is a no go really so find an alternative.

----edit

---

you can get 10K p/a and its tax free on a room thats 800 or so month. rent a room scheme look it up on www.ros.ie

LegacyUser

I cant sell as only have house 1.5yrs and will loose money on it so that's not an option. Im not trying to do him out of anything and trying to keep things amicable no matter how unreasonable he's being to me.
I think i sud draw up some sort of solicitors letter for both of us to sign stating that he owns half still but cannot enter house without notifying me and that he must contribute to repairs of house.

Lollipops23

Hmm,my parents were in a similar situation when they separated; my mother bought him out somehow. However,he kept his key as i was a small child at the time and he needed to have access to the house. However, it does just come down to whether or not you trust your ex bf?do you think he WILL have the courtesy to call first and not just drop by when he feels like it?

MagicMarker

1. It's his house too.
2. Just because he has a key doesn't mean he'll be coming over in the middle of the night or annoying you in any way.
3. One could say he gave up his house for you and his child, where does he live now?
4. He said he'd call before hand.

I'm sorry, what's the problem here? You should be thanking him for leaving in the first place rather than start going to solicitors about who gets what.

dumbyearbook

MagicMarker wrote: »

1. It's his house too.
2. Just because he has a key doesn't mean he'll be coming over in the middle of the night or annoying you in any way.
3. One could say he gave up his house for you and his child, where does he live now?
4. He said he'd call before hand.

I'm sorry, what's the problem here? You should be thanking him for leaving in the first place rather than start going to solicitors about who gets what.

The main problem is the ex can show up drunk whenever he pleases, an idiot could see where this is going it'll basically be no fun at all for anyone.

Let him keep his share but agree to pay him rent for his share (rent a room) and take the keys back - the child is the most important thing not a drunk ex who owns half a house, he has less rights than you would imagine imo anyway, all he has here really is bought 1/2 a house where his child lives its not crazy to think that his acess be denied.

The OP needs to know what she can do here not live in fear of keys in a lock some night with a drunk ex downstairs.

MagicMarker

dumbyearbook wrote: »

The main problem is the ex can show up drunk whenever he pleases, an idiot could see where this is going it'll basically be no fun at all for anyone.

Let him keep his share but agree to pay him rent for his share (rent a room) and take the keys back - the child is the most important thing not a drunk ex who owns half a house, he has less rights than you would imagine imo anyway, all he has here really is bought 1/2 a house where his child lives its not crazy to think that his acess be denied.

The OP needs to know what she can do here not live in fear of keys in a lock some night with a drunk ex downstairs.

The ex can show up drunk whether he has keys or not. Unless he is abusive there's no reason to take the keys away.

As an alternative you suggest the OP and her child share the house with a stranger? Nice! :rolleyes:

Deadeyes

So he is a big drinker when he wants to be but not necessarily a drunk. Let him have the key on conidtion that he rings first and never comes around drunk or when your not there. If he fails to do this look into getting some kind of barring order. At the end of the day it is his house too so legally he probably has every right to access the house whenever he wants.

themadchef

dumbyearbook wrote: »

The main problem is the ex can show up drunk whenever he pleases, an idiot could see where this is going it'll basically be no fun at all for anyone.

Let him keep his share but agree to pay him rent for his share (rent a room) and take the keys back - the child is the most important thing not a drunk ex who owns half a house, he has less rights than you would imagine imo anyway, all he has here really is bought 1/2 a house where his child lives its not crazy to think that his acess be denied.

The OP needs to know what she can do here not live in fear of keys in a lock some night with a drunk ex downstairs.

As someone who had a very similar situation i believe i can speak from experience. He OWNS half that house. Drunk or sober he can come and go as he sees fit.

All this "let him have a key" from posters really annoys me He owns it half of it, it's his right.

Unless he threathens her or the child she has no legal right to ask him to leave. Is it the pits? Of course it is. You need to get it sorted legally OP. You cannot change the locks as he co owns the house. Not a nice situation, but you will get through it. Have a rational conversation with your ex, and see what he's open too "deal wise" regarding the house. Try to be fair and it should be over pretty quickly.

Gillybean72

Without reading on.. dont change the locks as you can get into trouble.

Unregistered wrote: »

ive recently broken up with my long term bf. We've a 1yr old child and since she was born he hasnt helped me much wit her and is a big drinker when he wants to be. He was been constantly goin out lately and sometimes not coming home or leaving me to pay for everything for child. I also suspect he's been seeing someone else. After a lot arguements the relationship is now over for good. We've a mortgage together on our house and we've agreed that ill keep living there and we can switch the mortgage to interest only for a while until i find my feet. The house will still be in both our names as the bank wont let me take on mortgage on my own (i work full time).
The problem is that he's saying he wont give back his key and ive said if that's the case ill change the locks as he cant just be lettin himself in when he feels. My point is that ill be the one living in house and paying the interest on the mortgage and i dont want him showing up to check on me. He's saying the house wil still b half his and he has every right to access his house. He did say that he wouldnt show up unannounced and wud ring 1st.

Am i being unreasonable looking for privacy and not wanting him 2 have access anytime he wants to house and i also dont trust him to not show up drunk.

LegacyUser

*****In reply to MAGIC MARKER******

1.IM NOT DISPUTING IT'S HALF HIS HOUSE. HE HAS THREATENED TO WALK AWAY AND NOT PAY MORTGAGE AND LET BACK REPOSSESS. SO IM TRYING TO STOP THIS.
2.. NOT EVERYTHING'S BLACK AND WHITE!!!!!! HE WOULD COME OVER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AS HE'S A BAD DRUNK AND DONT WANT MY CHILD WITNESSING THAT OR HER MOTHER CRYING AGAIN.
3. AND HES NOT A SAINT COS HE GAVE UP THE HOUSE FOR ME AND CHILD. IT'S for his OWN CONVENIENCE COS NOW HE CAN GO OUT WIT THE LADS WHEN HE WANTS AND NOT HAVE ME TO ANSWER TO. HE'LL ALSO BE MOVING HOME TO MUMMY AND PAYING NO RENT - SO MORE DRINK MONEY!
ALSO MY PARENTS LIVE DOWN THE ROAD AND MIND MY CHILD WHEN AT WORK SO WHY SUD I MOVE WIT A 1YR CHILD?
4. MY POINT IS I DONT TRUST HIM AND WHAT IF I HAVE GUESTS OVER AND HE JUST WALKS IN?

He doin me no favours - if he was he wudnt break up a family. Im accepting and getting on with things and giving him easy way out.

Anyway thanks everyone else for your helpful advice!!!

dumbyearbook

MagicMarker wrote: »

The ex can show up drunk whether he has keys or not. Unless he is abusive there's no reason to take the keys away.

As an alternative you suggest the OP and her child share the house with a stranger? Nice! :rolleyes:

The OP could be scared in her home - this is reason enough to take the keys back shed have to go to court if it came to that id say. The couple are not married so the realtionship is now pretty much a business transaction (+child too of course) nothing more there is no 'family home' here, his ownership of 1/2 a house means nothing where he is abusive or threatening or could be. OP is allowed to live in peace.

PS:Sometimes living with a stranger is better than a threatening person you know. OP get someone to move into the house you feel comfortable with and get legal advice on how to keep the ex away.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

*****In reply to MAGIC MARKER******

1.IM NOT DISPUTING IT'S HALF HIS HOUSE. HE HAS THREATENED TO WALK AWAY AND NOT PAY MORTGAGE AND LET BACK REPOSSESS. SO IM TRYING TO STOP THIS.
2.. NOT EVERYTHING'S BLACK AND WHITE!!!!!! HE WOULD COME OVER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AS HE'S A BAD DRUNK AND DONT WANT MY CHILD WITNESSING THAT OR HER MOTHER CRYING AGAIN.
3. AND HES NOT A SAINT COS HE GAVE UP THE HOUSE FOR ME AND CHILD. IT'S for his OWN CONVENIENCE COS NOW HE CAN GO OUT WIT THE LADS WHEN HE WANTS AND NOT HAVE ME TO ANSWER TO. HE'LL ALSO BE MOVING HOME TO MUMMY AND PAYING NO RENT - SO MORE DRINK MONEY!
ALSO MY PARENTS LIVE DOWN THE ROAD AND MIND MY CHILD WHEN AT WORK SO WHY SUD I MOVE WIT A 1YR CHILD?
4. MY POINT IS I DONT TRUST HIM AND WHAT IF I HAVE GUESTS OVER AND HE JUST WALKS IN?

He doin me no favours - if he was he wudnt break up a family. Im accepting and getting on with things and giving him easy way out.

Anyway thanks everyone else for your helpful advice!!!

I'M SO GLAD YOU RESPONDED IN CAPS, MAKES ME UNDERSTAND SO MUCH BETTER!

In response...

1. So it's not ok for him to have access to his house but he still has the pay the mortgage for you? I see...

2. Are you now saying that he does come over in the middle of the night drunk? Because that's a significant detail to leave out of your original post. In fact you didn't give that impression at all. If that's the case then get a barring order against him, and if he does it again call the police. He's still entitled to keep a key though.

3. I'm sure he gave up his house and moved in with his mum to be with ''the lads'', because there's no other way he could have done that now is there?

4. Well you're going to have to learn to trust him. He said he will call before coming over and not turn up unannounced.

themadchef

Unregistered wrote: »

*****In reply to MAGIC MARKER******

1.IM NOT DISPUTING IT'S HALF HIS HOUSE. HE HAS THREATENED TO WALK AWAY AND NOT PAY MORTGAGE AND LET BACK REPOSSESS. SO IM TRYING TO STOP THIS.
2.. NOT EVERYTHING'S BLACK AND WHITE!!!!!! HE WOULD COME OVER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AS HE'S A BAD DRUNK AND DONT WANT MY CHILD WITNESSING THAT OR HER MOTHER CRYING AGAIN.
3. AND HES NOT A SAINT COS HE GAVE UP THE HOUSE FOR ME AND CHILD. IT'S for his OWN CONVENIENCE COS NOW HE CAN GO OUT WIT THE LADS WHEN HE WANTS AND NOT HAVE ME TO ANSWER TO. HE'LL ALSO BE MOVING HOME TO MUMMY AND PAYING NO RENT - SO MORE DRINK MONEY!
ALSO MY PARENTS LIVE DOWN THE ROAD AND MIND MY CHILD WHEN AT WORK SO WHY SUD I MOVE WIT A 1YR CHILD?
4. MY POINT IS I DONT TRUST HIM AND WHAT IF I HAVE GUESTS OVER AND HE JUST WALKS IN?

He doin me no favours - if he was he wudnt break up a family. Im accepting and getting on with things and giving him easy way out.

Anyway thanks everyone else for your helpful advice!!!

When you say he's a bad drunk do you mean he's threatning or violent towards you? If so apply through your solicitor for a safety/ protection order. You may be entitled to legal aid. If however he is not violent or threatning then it is just a bitter break up. Honestly OP you sound like youre not over him. You can't change people. You can't force him without legal help to pay his way. Youre only making yourself angry.
When you say you're accepting things and getting on with things what do you mean exactly by this? The legal route is your only option. Have you contacted a solicitor. I know it's tough... Iv'e been there.

It's hard to face it when someone you loved so much, someone you shared dreams, a life and a child with treats you so badly. Right now you have to be strong, have to get good advice, try citizens advice beureau.

He may be a complete Pr*** but, he has rights to that home. You cannot deny him those rights. Yes he should be civil to you, but you can't make people act a certain way. You can't make him change OP. You can't use the house or child as a weapon. If him not paying means you lose the house, then you lose it. Do not lose your sanity over it. You have to be there for your child.

Best of luck

Annie Bananie

I agree with 2 things said before:
- Talk to a solicitor to see what rights you/he has to the house.
- Do not change the locks, you can get into trouble.

I feel for you and the child involved, hope it sorts best for everyone as a child needs its father as well. Good luck to you.

SheRa

My heart goes out to you OP. This must be really tough.

MM I don't know why you are being so hard on her but she has said that the mortgage is going to be transferred to Interest only which she will be paying herself and that his name will be on the mortgage only as she cant get one just in her own name yet.

Also even if he is not abusive if he comes home blind drink, especially at night and wakes her and/or the child up that could be very frightening.

shellyboo

Ok, so we're operating on sketchy information here. If he's left the OP crying in the past, then that's threatening behaviour, distressing at the very least.

However, as everyone is at such pains to point out, the house is half his (or, considering that the OP will be paying the mortgage herself from hereon out, whatever equity they have on it - likely nothing if they've only owned it a year and a half - is half his :P)

So he's entitled to have a key. Hard as it may be, you're going to have to trust him with it to begin with. Lay out the ground rules - no coming over drunk, no calling in unannounced, and no being in the house when you're not there. If he turns up drunk and behaving badly, call the guards. If it happens again, get a barring order.

I know it would be easier to just change the locks now, but that's going to cause hassle. If you do it this way, you'll have the guards and the courts on your side. You'll be the reasonable party, he'll be the drunken boor terrorising his family.

tbh

this isn't about keys and locks, it's about control.
What's happening here is that the husband has been kicked out of the house, for all practical purposes, and his pride is demanding that he stands up for himself, as he would probably see it.

For all we know, the ex may have had no intention whatsoever about coming anyway near the house without phoning first, but the OP didn't give him a chance to do the decent thing (not a judgement, op, fwiw I think you were right) and said she wanted the keys back.

In ex's head "What? Didn't I agree to move out? Is that not enough for her? who the hell is she to tell me what I can and can't do?!?!"

again -I'm not saying he's right, just taking a guess at his thought process. If this is the case, I think the thing you can do to make things easiest all round is just to let him keep the keys for the moment. He knows you don't want him calling round, and hopefully he wont, without ringing first.

if he does call around?

Well, it depends how he behaves. If it's the middle of the day and he's sober and friendly and just wants to see his child, then what's the harm? If it's just cause it's irritating you out of principle, then you're just going to have to suck it up and be the bigger person.

If he's drunk, then just kick him out and change the locks the next day. When he complains, ask him what he thought you were going to do, given his behaviour? It's much more difficult for him to argue against that.

The_Conductor

dumbyearbook wrote: »

Let him keep his share but agree to pay him rent for his share (rent a room) and take the keys back - the child is the most important thing not a drunk ex who owns half a house, he has less rights than you would imagine imo anyway, all he has here really is bought 1/2 a house where his child lives its not crazy to think that his acess be denied.

In all fairness- as they only bought the house in the past 18 months- they are in a negative equity situation. If the ex either wants to keep his share, or have the bank repossess- there is a price associated with this- he cannot simply walk away from the negative equity. Far from the girl owing him anything for his share- as the market has fallen- the house is a debt, and he owes her towards that debt (along with child support and maintenance payments). There are solicitors out there who specialise in these sort of cases.

dumbyearbook

smccarrick wrote: »

In all fairness- as they only bought the house in the past 18 months- they are in a negative equity situation. If the ex either wants to keep his share, or have the bank repossess- there is a price associated with this- he cannot simply walk away from the negative equity. Far from the girl owing him anything for his share- as the market has fallen- the house is a debt, and he owes her towards that debt (along with child support and maintenance payments). There are solicitors out there who specialise in these sort of cases.

Obviously I was'nt clear enough earlier when I said 'pay him rent' i mean use the money from the rent (if its possible to rent a room) to pay some of the mortage. He can keep his share just not go there he has no reason to be there. Its actually a great deal for him as much as it annoys as later if the market bounces back they could sell up and go their own way.

Negative equity is not an issue as they are not selling the house, they just need to pay the mortage she will have to sort something with the bank too.

The_Conductor

dumbyearbook wrote: »

Obviously I was'nt clear enough earlier when I said 'pay him rent' i mean use the money from the rent (if its possible to rent a room) to pay some of the mortage. He can keep his share just not go there he has no reason to be there. Its actually a great deal for him as much as it annoys.

Negative equity is not an issue as they are not selling the house, they just need to pay the mortage she will have to sort something with the bank too.

The problem is that 1. He wants to sell the house and 2. the bank will not allow her to finance the property on her own. Perhaps she can get a parent to act as a guarantor on her behalf with the bank- and then she organise the finances herself (as she appears to be doing anyhow)? There are no stamp duty implications on her part of taking ownership of the property, he on the other hand will no longer be treated as a First Time Buyer when he goes to purchase again at some stage in the future.

Its not easy contemplating the likes of the Rent-a-room scheme- particularly when you have small children to think about, the OP does appear to be coping at the moment financially- its bank lending rules etc that are throwing a spanner in the works.

lushballs

It is now a business relationship re the 'house'. But it is your 'home' as he has moved out. Ex has a drinking problem and thas broken trust in the past so she is obviously worried about future problems. For dignity and respect reasons ask him to give you 24 hours notice of any visit to the house and that he is sober. If he abuses this add an extra lock to the door. If he is abusive in any way contact Gardai and consider getting a barring/safety order.
Emotions are high right now and hopefully this will settle and you will be able to resolve this respectfully. Well worth it for the sake of your child.

MagicMarker

SheRa wrote: »

My heart goes out to you OP. This must be really tough.

MM I don't know why you are being so hard on her but she has said that the mortgage is going to be transferred to Interest only which she will be paying herself and that his name will be on the mortgage only as she cant get one just in her own name yet.

Also even if he is not abusive if he comes home blind drink, especially at night and wakes her and/or the child up that could be very frightening.

How am I being hard on her? For telling her she's wrong?

This guy hasn't done anything yet he's being persecuted, why is that? Why are people just assuming that the guy is a complete scumbag who is hell bent on harassing the OP? There's a lot of 'ifs' in your post, what if he does this, what if he does that..... what if he does NOTHING!? Shouldn't we wait until he does something before we punish him for it?

It doesn't matter what she's paying for, if his name is on the deeds then it's his house as well as hers. If she's that scared of him coming over at all hours then all she has to do is put a lock on door so she can lock it from the inside, a few euro in any hardware store and a screwdriver will do it!

At the end of the day, the man is entitled to own a key to his own friggin house! FACT!

JJJJNR

I've got an idea, why dont you let the guy have the house at the weekends, to spend with his child and you move out for those couple of days.

Sounds fair to me, oh yeah and get maintenance sorted.

Gillybean72

OP.. as many have said, go get legal advice. If he is mentally, emotionally or physically abusive you can get a protection order on him at the first district court sitting. You NEED to see a solicitor if anything is happening.Ifyou change the locks you will just get the guards on his side as you have no right to change the locks.

If you can get the protection order you can go back in for the safety order a couple of weeks later or if things are bad and you have lived together for 6 out of the last 9 months you can get a barring order.

I was in a domestic violence situation myself.. so just saying the procedures.. but you will need to talk to a lawyer and please, leave the locks as they are..

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I was in very similar situation to you with kid too.

Bottom line is you need space and privacy from one another, best for child too. I was married so even if I wanted to(and I didn't) I could not prevent ex having his share of the house cos of divorce laws.So ex let me change the locks, as made no difference...I just felt better cos he was very abusive.He knew he had problems himself.

Yours is trickier cos from what I can gather you aren't legally married, this is probably what your ex is worried about cos it's possible that the house won't be viewed as Family Home as pertains to the law.

If you can keep it as civil as possible it's best all round esp. with kid involved,you'll be dealing with him for a long time as a co-parent.
Try sort out the mortgage and financial lose ends...I found once I had that done I didn't have to have that much contact except about access, school etc.

It is unreasonable if he just shows up at all hours spouting crap at you etc. and this is covered by protective order as far as I know, so try get legal advice, register for free legal aid too so you are on the list. Women's Aid are good too. If he is very bad then you may have to get a barring order, you know him so you can judge if that's necessary.If it is then as a mum you have to put the kiddie first. Good luck

dumbyearbook

smccarrick wrote: »

The problem is that 1. He wants to sell the houseQUOTE]

Did'nt know the ex wanted to sell it that changes things.

SarahSassy

He should be paying some contribution, whether the mortgage or food etc - for his KID.

jhegarty

You do know he could move back in if he wanted, and there is nothing you could do about it.

mylittlepony

Agree with above poster.
If he decided that he want to move back and take the spare bedroom, he can.
He's paying his half of the mortage payment?

Or if you want to and cos he want to sell his half, buy his half of the house off him,say with your parents/siblings/family/close friend to act as guanteer(wrong sp).

Talliesin

BroomBurner wrote: »

He's right. While he is paying for the house, it is his to come and stay in/visit whenever he wants.

Eh, what would make that any different to a landlord breaking into a residence without prior arrangement?

Oryx

What are the legalities of putting a deadbolt on the door? The locks remain the same, his key works, but he cant say, come in in the dead of night to have a row.

I know if I was in the situation, its the first and simplest option Id do.

Above all that, go get proper legal advice. This situation is a big deal. Its no longer simply an emotional relationship thing, it involves finances, almost like a business split, and needs to be dealt with accordingly.

The_Conductor

mylittlepony wrote: »

Agree with above poster.
If he decided that he want to move back and take the spare bedroom, he can.
He's paying his half of the mortage payment?

Or if you want to and cos he want to sell his half, buy his half of the house off him,say with your parents/siblings/family/close friend to act as guanteer(wrong sp).

Not easily done- given the property was bought just under 2 years ago- its probably now worth about 20% (possibly even more) less than they paid for it. It will actually cost the guy 30-50k simply to sell his half of the house......

The OP seriously needs legal advice, on several different grounds.....

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

I'M SO GLAD YOU RESPONDED IN CAPS, MAKES ME UNDERSTAND SO MUCH BETTER!

In response...

1. So it's not ok for him to have access to his house but he still has the pay the mortgage for you? I see...

2. Are you now saying that he does come over in the middle of the night drunk? Because that's a significant detail to leave out of your original post. In fact you didn't give that impression at all. If that's the case then get a barring order against him, and if he does it again call the police. He's still entitled to keep a key though.

3. I'm sure he gave up his house and moved in with his mum to be with ''the lads'', because there's no other way he could have done that now is there?

__________________________________________________-

1.He will not be paying to mortgage, ill be taking over repayments.

2.I said he would come over in the middle of the night drunk. When he goes out drinking he goes on a all weekend bender.

3. He couldnt go out wit his friends as much if in a relationship with a child and has more money now for going out. He said that to me that he feels held back and misses being able to go out when he wants and feels trapped.

I now have 2 struggle to make mortgage repayments, work full time and have child 6 days a week while he only gives 1 day a week out of his social life.

My point is im gettin the raw deal and he's gettin off lightly and walkin away from us but wants access to house that he's paying nothing on.
Anyway ive got a lot of good advise so ill make sure im covered and he cant screw me over.