Stuck

LegacyUser

Hi, i'm hoping someone can help me....

I feel my situation at the moment is desperate and i'm beginning to feel so so down.

Honestly, if I went missing for weeks on end, I think one of my parents would be the only one that would notice. The other is very very sick and has been for quite some time.

My friends have shyed away from me. Except for one. She's great. No-one seems to want to know. But the funny thing is is that when I meet up with my friends, I don't usually talk about the situation with my sick parent. I don't want to burden people or be the person with 'all the problems'. Still, it would be nice to be asked how i'm feeling or even asked for a coffee or something.

It's getting to the stage that I feel like not contacting my friends to see if they would even bother to pick up the phone to me. I'm always suggesting meet up's, activities etc but everyone is always so busy. And this is a tough time for me as it is. I am so hurt that my friends just don't care.

It's getting increasingly bad as I feel stuck in this rut as my parent is not getting any better and not getting any worse and it's just going on and on for years now.

I have a limited relationship with the other parent in that the past has been difficult but it's okay now. As good as it can be, you'd say. Fine.

The other thing missing is a partner. I am single for years and years. It's not a need - just a want. A wanting to feel love again. My soul craves it at this stage. I am the only person left single.

I feel that lonliness is eating me and I just don't know what to do. I feel like bursting into tears writing this.

My life is full - full of hobbies, college, interests of mine. But they all seem to have reached saturation point in terms of the people I can meet through them. Plus, my life is so full, I felt my social life was suffering. So when I took a break from all of it - I realised my friends were too busy for me. Even when I was doing all the activities, I still tried to make time for my friends. But they could never meet up. So now my life is full again of stuff that i'm doing to 'better myself'. But i'm not meeting new people and i'm not having fun.

What do I do? I have felt like this since early teens. I just don't know what to do. If this is what my life is going to be like until I die, i'm not sure I want it..

I am in counselling at the moment... I feel like i'm constantly trying to fix myself. But I never just have fun. Everything feels hard - a struggle. I have battled depression in the past and came out of it better than ever. But when does my life start? When does the fun start?

I just want friends who are willing to meet up for the odd cup of coffee/few drinks and who care about me. I want to meet someone who loves me for who I am. I want to feel fulfilled in my life.

I just don't know what to do. Please help me. I don't want to struggle anymore.

RossFixxxed

Hi OP,

Firstly I would say that finding someone to go out with and have coffee with IS lovely, but will NOT fulfil your life if you are not happy in yourself.

I am not remotely qualified but based on your post this sounds like depression still to be honest.

Perhaps you are working TOO hard to fill your life with things and not giving yoursef enough 'me time'. You do seem to be running yourself ragged. You could try and make steps in your hobbies to ask someone to go for a coffee, or find social things like this.

I can totally relate to what you are saying, I had that feeling before. There is no magical "start" to life as you have put it. You have to really find something within yourself. You are never going to be happy 100% of the time, that's just crazy and pushed by self help charlatains. HOWEVER, that said, there is a lot of happy moments to find in life.

Pretty much every paragraph you have written aludes to other people or trying to better yourself, but also you are doing it through filling/killing time. This may not be the best approach. You need to scale back, find some quiet time in your day. Talk to your friends, and tell them you miss going out or having time together and try to organise a few get together. My mates and I are rubbish at getting out, but if I just keep on trying to organise things we have some great nights out, and then everyone gets involved again. It's very easy to get side tracked by hobbies, movies etc. and not spend time on the important stuff.

Sorry this is a bit disjointed I'm looking to cover a few things and spark other replies to flesh them out / make them more sensible!

Good luck OP, there is always a way out of these situations, and there IS DEFINITELY a lot of happiness and fulfilment to be found, maybe not in the ways you are thinking though.

Ross

LegacyUser

Hi Ross, OP here. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Hi OP,

Firstly I would say that finding someone to go out with and have coffee with IS lovely, but will NOT fulfil your life if you are not happy in yourself.

I agree. But I feel lonely and want to catch up with my mates for a coffee and shoot the breeze. I don't want to spend every waking minute on my own. Human contact is important for me. I am, for the most part, happy with myself. It still needs work though, hence being in counselling still.

Perhaps you are working TOO hard to fill your life with things and not giving yoursef enough 'me time'. You do seem to be running yourself ragged. You could try and make steps in your hobbies to ask someone to go for a coffee, or find social things like this.

The reason why I have been filling my life with hobbies etc is because I thought this may be a good way to find happiness within myself. All of my hobbies/extra curricular activities concern putting my talents to use. If I don't fill my life with these things, then what's left? Me on my own with nothing to do.

You have to really find something within yourself.

Yes, but what? I'm trying to find it. But everywhere seems to lead to a dead end.

You are never going to be happy 100% of the time, that's just crazy and pushed by self help charlatains. HOWEVER, that said, there is a lot of happy moments to find in life.

I don't expect to be happy all the time. I also don't think I have depression back again. I am capable of applying myself, of laughter and not lapsing into complete despair. I was not capable of these things when I was depressed.

Pretty much every paragraph you have written aludes to other people or trying to better yourself, but also you are doing it through filling/killing time. This may not be the best approach. You need to scale back, find some quiet time in your day. Talk to your friends, and tell them you miss going out or having time together and try to organise a few get together.

I have spoken to my friends many times re me missing them etc. I am always the one trying to organise stuff. It gets a bit disheartening after a while when things never materialise. I don't have a group of friends - rather just seperate people not connected with each other. I'm not too heavy with them either - I mean, who wants to hang out with that - lol. But I have said that even a coffee etc would be great for a quick catch up. Nothing.

there IS DEFINITELY a lot of happiness and fulfilment to be found, maybe not in the ways you are thinking though.

I'm sure there is. And I would be willing to try anything at this stage. But I just don't know what to do. I can't live my life like this.

RossFixxxed

Hi again,

I understand where you are coming from, I'm just trying to bounce things off you to see if anything sticks. It can be hard to put in words too, especiallly writing in work.

I would suggest if you are doing these hobbies that maybe some of the people in them might become new mates? Boards beers maybe? What part of the country are you in?
What hobbies are you into?

I'm off to Everest in march (oh god) and I'm looking to get into shape so all welcome if it means dragging my smokey ass off the couch!

R

ogriofa

Hellooo,

just a quick comment. I have no decent advice on the OH issue, but the friends thing I want to comment on.

I was/am in a similar position myself friends wise. I got to thinking they don't have any time for me etc. I came to this conclusion, and I'm pretty sure I'm right...
Hope this doesn't come accross as harsh but that's normal. That's what happens when people get into serious relationships. They're not not interested, they're just caught up in their life with their other halves. That's the way it works.
So when we arranged to go out, and something came up (sick wife etc) I was getting really miffed. But of course they're not going out, their wife's sick!
It took me a loooooooong time to work that out.

Also not being 100% available to my friends. Sounds weird, but that way, it was a bigger deal when we'd meet up. Missed 1 of the nights out a while ago, and got a "Jaysus, haven't seen you in aaaaaages!"

Those feelings are 200% normal.

Keep the head up OP

LegacyUser

Hi there - OP again.

Ross - you're an angel. Really. Thank you for your kind words.

Orgiofa. Yeah, I see where you're coming from too. My gripe is that i'm going through an awful hard time with the pending death of one of my parents. Is it so much to ask that my friends even text me to see how I am?

I don't think it is. And it sickens me because I drop absolutely everything in my life when a friend is in trouble. I'm extremely loyal.

Perhaps I should take your advice and not be so available. Re my original post, I said that i'm going to not text any of them until I hear from them first. I think that might be an idea.

One of my friends recently thought his dad was dying. I checked in about twice a week with him to see how he was and told him to call anytime when he wanted to get out.

It turns out his dad is grand and i've barely heard from him since. In fact, he called a friend of mine and asked her to go for drinks with him (not romantically) over the Christmas but not me.

I think i'm being treated appalingly tbh. I don't think i'm expecting too much. Obviously, if there is stuff going on in their lives too, I completely understand and will be there for tem.

They just don't seem willing to do the same for me. It's so hurtful. And like I said, I don't want to meet up with them to whine about my situation. I want to see them to talk about anything and everything, have fun and be in their company as they are my friends.

It's just awful, really.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I have spoken to my friends many times re me missing them etc. I am always the one trying to organise stuff. It gets a bit disheartening after a while when things never materialise. I don't have a group of friends - rather just seperate people not connected with each other. I'm not too heavy with them either - I mean, who wants to hang out with that - lol. But I have said that even a coffee etc would be great for a quick catch up. Nothing.

Unregistered wrote: »

Orgiofa. Yeah, I see where you're coming from too. My gripe is that i'm going through an awful hard time with the pending death of one of my parents. Is it so much to ask that my friends even text me to see how I am?

This is coming from someone who thankfully has never had to deal with something so awful as a parent being terminally ill. Perhaps your friends are trying to give you space? Perhaps they don't know what to say or how to approach you? I can imagine that texting someone whose parent is terminally ill asking them if they want to go out for a few beers and a laugh might seem a tad insignificant, or disrespectful, in the face of what's happening in your life.

I'm not defending them for not being supportive, not in the least, they should certainly be keeping in touch to see how you are... but I know if I had a friend who was experiencing the same trauma, I would think to myself 'they've more important things to be worrying about than socialising'. So that might stop me getting in touch about beer and partying and the like.

RossFixxxed

More than welcome, you gotta rise above people like that. I understand a degree of apathy and being busy but friends are important and you're better than their behaviour.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

This is coming from someone who thankfully has never had to deal with something so awful as a parent being terminally ill. Perhaps your friends are trying to give you space? Perhaps they don't know what to say or how to approach you? I can imagine that texting someone whose parent is terminally ill asking them if they want to go out for a few beers and a laugh might seem a tad insignificant, or disrespectful, in the face of what's happening in your life.

I'm not defending them for not being supportive, not in the least, they should certainly be keeping in touch to see how you are... but I know if I had a friend who was experiencing the same trauma, I would think to myself 'they've more important things to be worrying about than socialising'. So that might stop me getting in touch about beer and partying and the like.

Yeah, I totally agree.

But this is where I get angry. i never expect people to be mindreaders. So I tell them how I feel.

I've said to all my friends 'you've no idea the relief it is just to get out and have a few drinks. you're a good friend to me etc etc. There is nothing to say to make things better. You can't take away what's happening and neither can I. i'm asking you to be there for me. And by being there for me - all I ask is that, if you're going out for drinks etc - invite me along. It's nice to get out.' Or something along those lines

So honestly - can I make it any f*cking clearer! Lol! Like - seriously.

I think at this stage, its just heartless!

Maybe I need new friends.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I read your post and am in a very similar situation and can relate totally to what you were saying. So much so, that I am feeling very down and am seriously considering getting conselling. I am finding everything getting on top of me and hard to deal with. I know that I cannot keep going without sorting my frame of mind out. I would be interested to know how u went about getting conselling and how u are finding it etc

lawstudent99

Hi There

It sounds as though you are going through a very difficult period at the moment with everything that is happening. It must be very hard to come to terms with a role reversal. Its great you are keeping things going, trying to achieve a degree of normality.

I am sorry to hear about your friends, its sad that when you need them most they haven't been there for you even in the most simple of ways. I am by no means an expert, but I feel that sometimes friends just don't reveal themselves until they are needed. And the only thing worse than hate is complete apathy.

You sound like a lovely person who goes out of their way to be a good friend. If only more people were as selfless as that. It is only natural that you would only expect the same from those you have chosen to be your friends. Are you a friend that always gave gave gave but with very little return? In my experience when that happens the balance of power in a relationship is decided, and the person who gives is 'taken for granted'. Do you find that since you are not making the plans, sorting things out, initiating contact etc., your friends would almost have the gall to ask you why you haven't been in touch?

Don't let them get you down, keep being strong and when things move on, change happens and you are ready, please ask yourself whether these people are good enough for you? Look after yourself xx