Free at last

LegacyUser

I started another thread a while back -> http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055427768 . Finished by saying I was seeing a counsellor and I may have OCS. Moved on a bit from there since, thankfully it has turned out this is not the case. I am now and have been since early December being attending a professional psychologist service that specialises in the after effects of head injuries. As I had never received aftercare following my injuries I was never aware of the potential lasting effects and damage that could result behaviourally and otherwise.

From the tests I have so far received as well as talking about it with them it has become clear there was some damage both neurological as well as psychological. Thankfully the thoughts that have plagued me for years are a result of the latter, in that when my head was putting itself back together some associations were mislabelled for lack of a better term, resulting in confusion for one by experiencing arousal from something I knew wasn't for me. As they are psychological in nature it means that it is not permanent damage. There are some areas such as impulse control where there is permanent damage as was found through testing, very unnerving experience to find something not working correctly when I would know what I'm meant to do in a test but freeze mentally when I try to do that. There are coping mechanisms for these areas though, as is evident since I have managed without professional help to lead an almost normal and successful life. There are additional "tricks" I am being taught to give me a greater degree of control here as well, the main thing is being aware of an area where I might have more difficulties than an average person.

I have also spoken with all my family as well as my closest friends and explained exactly how myself and my fiancée split which to be honest was the hardest thing I've ever done. This as I've found has been the most important thing I have ever done for myself and my sanity. The result can only be described as something similar to "The Road to Damascus" as for the first time in all the years since I was injured my head was finally cleared. It's very hard to describe, but I was finally able to see it for what it was, something that had started as odd thoughts gradually through fear and shame developing into a secret obsession that had got so tightly entwined into my mind I could no longer distinguish it from my own thoughts, and was finally not even fully conscious that it was still there. It at least seems to be finally over, again hard to describe but for the last month or so, since I talked with everyone I have feel different, lighter, the elation I could only describe as something similar to that scene in Shawshank when he finally comes out of the sewer pipe and stands with his hands in the air and the rain washes all the cr*p of years away. I finally feel free of it, and only now realise what a burden it had become, and how tightly wound up I had eventually got.

Things have also improved with my fiancée, or ex I should say. It's still very confusing, especially for her. I know she is still incredibly hurt by what happened, but has lately started to at least tell me that she still loves me, and misses me and wishes she was at home with me. Unfortunately this is all being done by text, it's still too painful for her to talk to me on the phone (she told me she cries for the rest of the day anytime we talk). Meeting face to face has only happened when she moved out and I helped her move everything of hers, one of the worst experiences I've ever had. I haven't seen her now in over a month, but barring one day she has texted me everyday since this whole thing happened. At first there was naturally a lot of anger, and things were said by her that were very hard to read but I took them without comment as I knew it was not how she truly felt.

It has over the last two weeks gone from that to more affectionate texts, I know the time of the year probably had something to do with it, and to be honest I don't know which hurt more. At least when she was angry I could try to convince myself she didn't love me anymore, but now I know she still does (which I knew deep down was the case), and she wants to be home but can't bring herself to try and get over it. If I wasn't 100% sure of my feelings for her or hers for me I would tell her to forget me and move on, I did try and tell her to stop texting until she knew what she wanted to do, that if she was breaking up with me she couldn't seek support from me to do that as it was too hard for me to do that. She cried so much over this saying I was the only person she could talk to about everything and she couldn't bear the thought of not being in touch. It has been killing me though, sometimes especially over the Christmas I have been so down because of it I have thought of just ending everything as I am so tired now. Only the thought of what this would do to my family and her stopped me on one occasion when at the last minute I hit the breaks in the car before ploughing into a roadwork's concrete barrier at 70mph. I've got over that now, I did experience a moment of hesitation and then regret when I did hit the breaks, but I know that that was the high tide mark as far as going down that road went.

She has texted me again today, she has a job interview in a few hours, over 2 and a half hours from our house which would mean she is moving home permanently. She says the thought of the interview makes her feel sick, and she doesn't know what to do, and how she wishes none of this had happened. I don't know how to answer other than to say all I ever wanted was for her to be happy, that I would dearly love to be able to advise her but in this I can't. I have tried so hard since this happened to give her space to try and work out what she wants, but when she texts I cannot ignore her as that would hurt her even more.

Not sure why I've written this, maybe just to clear my own head a bit. Just heartbroken over how I managed without even remembering doing it to destroy the happiest time of my life and hers. She has said she will never be able to get over me, I feel the same and would so wish for a second chance, to show I am better now, finally free from the past.

LegacyUser

ok no replies to the above. fair enough, was more a get it off your chest post plus with the previous thread attached be surprised if any made it the whole way through!

Anyway another long one, hopefully get some replies as looking for a bit of advice.

The texting has been continuing, all instigated by her as it has been from the start. Fair enough, as I was the one at fault here I don't want to be hounding or pressuring her, even though at times it has been so hard not to get in touch. It is getting to the point though where I'm feel I'm starting to come undone. By that I mean I feel like I'm coming apart, trying to hold it together, be supportive when she is down etc, take hurtful comments on the chest, whether they are hurtful by intent or otherwise, accept that she'll text only when she needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to, and be prepared for silence to replies when she's feeling better after some contact. It's getting too much though, it's gone on for months now, seems like years.

She has moved home to her parents, is currently on extended leave while going to job interviews and can start texting me at anytime. Could be while I'm in work, in fact I've got texts more or less everyday in work, some days worse than others. Hard to concentrate when you've just been informed by your OH that they are going for an interview the other side of the country but don't know what they're doing and seems to want advice. Also get them late at night, got one at 11.30pm the other night asking what I'm doing for the weekend? When I replied not sure but I'm going to bed (up just after 6am) got a reply saying it was meant to be your stag weekend, was I doing anything in it's place. Great thoughts just before trying to sleep, as a result ended up with just 3 hours sleep second night running.

I really feel worn out at this stage, I've tried my best to be there, I know I screwed up big time, but I haven't sat back feeling sorry for myself. I have done everything I can do sort my own head out, and this has been successful beyond what I could ever have believed possible. I am also continuing with rehabilitive training to address other areas, things that are not bad in a social or relationship sense such as poor memory retention, attention etc, but which I now have an opportunity to do something about. I am trying in short to make myself a better person by rebuilding or compensating for areas of my mind that were damaged.

She knows I think at this stage that happened in no way reflected on her, was never intentionally done, does not mean I am gay and in the long run this or something like it was necessary for me to finally see that there was something wrong. I don't know why it happened now, maybe stress about the wedding coupled with an unconscious desire to seek help? It happened though, and while I regret so much the harm it has done her, I've also accepted that it was necessary for something like this to happen for me to finally be able to seek help, talk about and deal with it. I think if not now maybe 5-10 years down the road when we had kids it may have surfaced. Maybe never and I just would have spent the rest of my life suffering bouts of anxiety and depression without any real understanding of why. She also I think knows deep down that there was something wrong from what she found a few years back on my pc as well as what happened prior to this with opening that email, but chose to ignore it rather than confront it much the same as I did. I don't blame her for any of this or that she choose to bury her head in the sand like I did. But I am trying to deal with it, she isn't. Her head seems to be in exactly the same place it was when this happened. The only difference seems to be that the anger is gone, in it's place is the realisation that yes she still loves me as I do her. I think she is fighting with herself at this stage, she wants from reading her texts to come home, she has said now on numerous occasions that she wishes she was at home with me, she misses me and loves me.

But she can't make that final leap of faith. I don't begrudge her that but it is killing me to hear her say these things, to have hope when I don't know if she has any intention of trying to get over this and give us another chance. I know I am a better person now, I know that my mind is finally clear, I think she knows this too but is afraid to commit again.

I have told her that maybe she also needs help, not to try this on her own as she isn't getting anywhere and is slowly driving herself and me by the mixed messages mad. The psychologist I have been attending has offered to be there as they also provide services for loved ones/families of those affected. This could be over the phone or face to face. I have told her this, not in an attempt to get her back, but rather so she could get her head straight. She has said she doesn't want to talk to them, so nothing I can do there. I have also said talking with my more open minded and trusted friends was a great help, and maybe she should try that to get some perspective, don't think she took it on board though.

So I have come to a decision I have been thinking about but putting it off due to Christmas etc. I am going to tell her all contact must be cut, and cut now until she has managed to figure herself out. This texting is not helping her and is destroying me. This may sound harsh and I have been putting it off as truth be told even though it damages me each time I read her texts I still love her very much and want to be there for her. The thought of her alone and in pain drives me mad. But I cannot help her with this, the only way I can see for her to clear her head is if I am not there to talk to. In the end if she reaches the decision that she cannot try to work this out then I will respect it though the thought of not being with her ever again hurts so much. Also if this texting continues, if she continues to say things without thinking how they hurt me, or worse says them knowing they hurt I will end up bitter and all the memories I have will be tainted. I don't want that to happen.

I have also got to have space to think whether even if she does decide to come back if I could go back to her. I want with all my heart that we can do this, but at the same time the last few months have been a revelation in more ways than one. It has occurred to me that if we did get back together how secure would I feel? The person I relied on the most, trusted with my life and thought would be always there for me ran when something went wrong. At first I understood completely why this would happen and felt so guilty about what I had done albeit without remembering or understanding it.

However as time has gone on and more details have emerged such as I was a bit screwed up in the head and not in fact what she thought I now wonder. The guilt remains but questions have emerged. It may sound selfish but I have to ask these questions as this is the person I would be relying on to have my back for life as I would have hers and stand by her for better or worse.

If you love someone enough do you when finding something bizarre and completely out of character with that person

A) Jump on the obvious conclusion without thought, run and never look back?
Give at least some benefit of doubt, maybe not initially but eventually?

If you intended to spend the rest of your life with someone do you

A) Seek answers for what happened to destroy that?
Refuse to listen as answers start coming up, no matter how plausible?

I've said I completely understand how she reacted, I would have done much the same though probably not divulged my conclusion to my complete family plus one or two others who are also friends of mine within an hour of it happening. Yes I would have needed to talk to someone, but until what happened became clearer I think I would have confined who I told it to to a minimum. However that is past and cannot be changed and would not affect me trying to repair this.

What I can't understand is why after all details of what happened have gradually emerged there has been little or no change in her mind from the night it happened. I maybe paranoid but at this point it is starting to look like what happened was the excuse she needed to run and then be able to blame me for the cancellation of our marriage. Maybe I'm a bit stupid but after talking with good friends who are married years I have learnt a lot, that arguments have gone on behind closed doors over things that were in their own ways as bad as what happened between us, that couples have sat down and discussed who would take the house and children, that one of the two would move out. I never knew this because in the end it was kept between the couples, and in the end they thought the other worth fighting for and loved each other too much to give up at the first hurdle. Maybe I'm starting to get bitter about this now, but to be honest I thought I might be worth a little bit more. She gave up and ran the night this happened, and has not stopped for breath since.

Maybe this has done me a favour in more ways than one. Firstly by getting rid of stuff that has haunted and depressed me for years, leaving me for a long time emotionally crippled, and secondly by showing the person I would have done anything for and who I wished to spend the rest of my life with was not the one I thought she was. It's easy to love someone when everything is rosy, relationships are easy when everything is ticking along just fine, it's when the chips are down and hardships happen that a relationship is tested. This has been our first real challenge since we first met, and as a couple have failed miserably. I want to believe in her, I do believe in her, but as time goes on it seems to be evident she has and never had any belief in us.

LegacyUser

This has all been a lot for your girlfriend to take in in one go. You can't just expect her to forget about it as if it never happened

Trinity

I wont lie OP I just skimmed.

Apart from her bombarding you with texts have you actually discussed your future together? I gather she is saying she has not changed her mind, however her constant contact would lead me to believe the contrary.

When myself and my OH fight what scares me is his silence. Even if he is giving out or angry, once hes in touch, there is still some contact and room for discussion. Plus he still cares about the situation.

Do you want her back?

Have you apologised and given her reassurance that it wont happen again? SHe knows you are getting help but have you said the words "I will not hurt you again, I want to spend the rest of my life with you"

It sounds to me like she is torn and is looking for some kind of gesture from you.

Is meeting up a possibility?

MagicMarker

OP, you really need to learn how to summarize. People here will offer advice but I think very few of them are willing to read a novel before doing so. I'm only saying this as it's likely to be the reason for so few replies.

Like Trinity, I glanced over your posts, and it doesn't seem like you have actually talked about where you go from here with regards to the relationship.

So, I suggest you think about what you want. IF you want to try again, then you should tell her that, tell her that you love her and you want to be with her, tell her as much as you care, you can't carry on not knowing what's happening. At the end of the day, she either wants to be with you or she doesn't. Tell her you'll give her a few days to think it through seriously and then you expect an answer, as it's not healthy for either of you to continue on the way you are.

Someone has to step up and make things happen. Whatever her answer may be, accept it and move on.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP here. Sorry about the length of the original posts, summarising has never been my strong point .

Anyway in answer to Trinity, yes I have apologised, lost count of the number of times I've done that. She knows by now how sorry I am about the whole mess, and the lengths I've been willing to go to to firstly ensure that nothing like this could ever happen again. To try and just forgot about it and the two of us move on together would have been pointless which is why I have been doing what I am.

I've asked her a few times now if she would meet me, each time she has replied "not yet, it would be too painful" etc. The likelihood of meeting seems to get more distant each day now.
I thought by midweek last week the texting was coming to an end for the moment. I told her again to take some time, days or weeks and I would still be here for her. It started again two days later, this time to tell me she had told a close friend to get an outside and "unbiased" perspective other then her family. I had suggested this a few times though I had hoped she may call the psychologist I have been attending or some other neutral informed outsider.

Not sure what she told her friend exactly but she said her friend thinks she's made the right decision. This is the complete opposite of what another of her friends said to her (she is seeing my friend so got the full story), it looks like she is only willing to accept any opinions which agree with her decisions.
I think she knows at this stage I didn't do anything physical, and what I did do was not something I could ever realistically follow up on.
I have done everything I can regarding that, the psychologist thinks based on all we have talked about that no I am not gay (as do all of my friends and family), just got my wiring a little screwed in my head years back and it finally came out in a bizarre fashion. Given that she knows that what I wrote which I still can't remember doing is meaningless. Doesn't appear to make a difference.

The texting finished anyway with her saying talk soon, no idea what that means. All I know is I had had the first normal few days since this whole sorry mess began, thrown completely again by the texts. I've decided anyway if she does text again just to say leave off communication entirely until the end of this month. I want to be here for her, but I can only be here if she sees a possibility of us working this out. If she has no intention of getting back together there is no point in continuing with these mixed signals, maybe it makes it easier for her but it does anything but for me.