Different Futures

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
I'm 27 and my bf is 33. We met online almost 3.5 years ago. He is from England and I am from Ireland. He grew up in an urban area and I in a rural area. He moved over to Ireland nearly 2 years ago. We have been living in Dublin together for a year now with another person. We're going to get our own place soon but it started me thinking. I just asked him casually the other day where he sees us living in the future. He wants to stay in Dublin while I would rather be nearer to my home place. He thinks that's it's selfish for me to expect him not only to move over to Ireland for me but also to live in a small village. The thing is when we first "met" it was on an Irish site and he said on his profile that he was planning to move to Ireland anyway so imo he can't say he moved over here just for me!

We have a good relationship despite what I said above but I see problems in the future as I feel like if I do compromise then I'll come to resent him in the future. If by that stage we're married/bought a house/ have kids then that'll be much more complicated.

I also have parents that are getting on in age and my mother is not in good health at all. We go home almost every wkend and I feel bad if I dont. I know my bf would like to do things at wkends in Dublin and I feel bad for him too. I just don't see myself being in Dublin long term. I suppose I just want to know if there is anyone out there who has experienced this and how did it work out in the end? Advice would be appreciated though I know it's a small one compared to others

MagicMarker

Did you tell him this before he moved?

I personally would never want to live in a small village in the middle of nowhere unless I was retired. You can't blame the guy for wanting to live in Dublin.

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

The thing is when we first "met" it was on an Irish site and he said on his profile that he was planning to move to Ireland anyway so imo he can't say he moved over here just for me!

He might have been planning to move to Ireland, but not necessarily long term. But he is willing to stay there for you so I think you'll have to compromise as well.

Are you an only child that you feel care of your parents is falling to you? As I have to say I think spending every weekend going home is a bit much otherwise.

Cantoris

I would think you need to sit down and have the chat now. I like both country and city living and would ideally like a mix. So maybe a compromise can be reached where you get your country lifestyle while he can get his city weekend fix. How far away are your folks?

You also say you head home most weekends. Does he go with you or stay at home? It can be quite daunting for someone to make the move when they know the outlaws are going to be around most of the time, or in your life. This might be another reason he doesn't want to move. I don't know the situation so you will need to fill us in if you think that's important.

TouchingVirus

Are there more serious plans afoot for your relationship?

The reason I ask this is because it seems to me your biggest reason for going home is because of your mother's ill health. Your mother's health could improve by the time you decide to settle down properly (you're young yet), and then maybe you'll not feel the need to go home every weekend and might adjust to living in Dublin properly - it really does sound like you always meant Dublin to be a temporary thing while he settled in and then you'd whisk him away to the west, obviously you didn't make this clear to him before. Even now you're not being blunt about it with your 'casual' asking of where he sees you two living..

If you were planning on getting settled soon then I'm afraid this one's a dealbreaker, and if there's no compromise it could spell disaster for your relationship. This is all ifs and buts though, communication is the key so have a serious talk with him if it's affecting you.

I have to say that where I'm going to live with the person I love isn't all that important as long as we're together, other people have their own lives too, including parents.

It seems silly to even discuss moving out of Dublin if you've no intentions of doing so soon, you could argue and break up over this and in 6 months time you could realise Dublin wasn't all that bad and that this issue shouldn't have been the one that ended your relationship

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again
Thanks for the replies. Just from your questions I've realised I've left a lot of stuff out. When we go home we dont sit in all wkend. My bf gets on really well with family/friends and we go out. My mam's illness has really just come into play since he moved over. She has cancer. It's not curable but it's not terminal either. Her condition can be maintained. I just feel a lot of guilt over not being around. I'm not an only child but I'm an only daughter and I feel like like there's expectations of me. Suppose it goes with being Irish and catholic!

We also don't live in a very nice area of Dublin and as my bf doesn't drive yet we have to live around this area so that he can get to work easily. I drive so I'm pretty flexible what area I work in. We haven't had that much money since we moved in together and that's another reason why we go home most wkends. Its cheaper to socialise at home. I had to turn down a good job offer at home ( at the request of bf) to come to Dublin as he said he couldn't do the wkend thing anymore and I've struggled to find anything permanent here. Things are looking up though in that regards.

When we first got together I did say to him to make sure he was coming here not just for me but also for his original reasons. I had also asked him before about where would he see himself settle and he didn't know. We really love each other and I hope this can be overcome. I do know how to compromise and I would do it,my worry is that I'll regret it when it's too late and he said the other day when I asked him that I really need to be sure now. I suppose its a sort of ultimatum but how do I know whats going to happen in the future? I