Advice needed

LegacyUser

Please bear with me on this one, I'm quite upset at the moment so this may all come out as a stream of thought with no great syntax but I'll try my best to be cohesive.

I'm engaged to this girl, been seeing her about 9 months now and got engaged about 2 months ago, quite quick but I am completely head over heals about her. We moved in together in August and it was all hunky dorey, then at the end of October we went through a rough patch, and she cheated on me one night with a guy whom she works near and had recently struck up a friendship with. Now, the rough part we we're going though was mainly my fault, she is very anal and I am quite messy so when the honeymoon period was over it really started to grate on her I think. So when she cheated I figured one mistake on my part, one on hers and we got on with things.

Now the dude she kissed has been sniffing around her since, texting, calling (she wouldn't answer when I was around) and generally being a pain in the ass to her (or at least she let on) and to be honest, maybe it was my neivity, I trusted her completely and knew it was just the dude being a bit of a puppy dog, but it still played on my mind, and to be honest I got quite distant and she noticed but things were alright.

Fast forward to new years day, I'm in work and she texts me saying shes going to her friends for dinner, then later to say shes stopping over as she had a drink, fair enough. So then yesterday morning she blows up at me, again for being messy, I have to leave for work so it was never resolved. She texted me during the day to say that I shouldn't bother coming to meet her after work and that she would be home at some stage later. I get to sleep after staying awake till 1 (I work long and early hours) worried sick (not that shes possibly with the dude again, just that shes upset) and fall asleep. She texts me at 4 to say that she was staying over and she'd see me tomorrow. Fair enough shes upset.

Then tonight we get home, things not so icy but still cool and she falls asleep in my arms on the couch, her phone starts to ring and I seen that it was her friend (Different one to the sleep over friend) so I answer to say shes asleep etc etc. But the line cuts when I do, so I call back to let her know shes asleep but it just rings out. Then I noticed that it wasnt her number, but her name, checked the phone book for her no, and there are two entries under the same name, just one with a *. Curiosity at this stage I'm sorry to say got the better of me and I went through her messages. There were numerous ones from this * number proclaiming love and kisses and also how good it was to spend the night together without her having to run home and also how good it was to finally meet our pets (Obviously hes been in the house when I was in work). Needless to say I know its the dude from before as he addresses her by her first and middle names (she showed me his texts from a while back)

Now I know I'm not completely blameless in this situation but I think I'm right in being upset.

Again, most of you may be advising to leave her but...and you'll like this one

When I moved in August I moved country to be with her, got a decent job and she went to part time hours to go back to college, we live basically paycheck to paycheck. I know pretty much no-one in this country except my work colleagues and the people she knows. So its not really possible to find somewhere to stay or just go home. It would also kill me inside ( I know its stupid) but if I left, she'd have nowhere to go. Her folks moved away a few months ago.

She is sleeping and in work early in the morning so I don't think that now is the right time to broach the subject but any advice on when is, and what should I say. I am completely lost at this moment in time.

Thanks for reading

Kevster

Hi,

I understand why you are blaming yourself here, but you shouldn't be. This is not your fault and I get the feeling that you are a quiet-enough person who clearly deserves to be treated with more respect. However, the mere fact that you let the first 'cheating' episode go by with ease set a bad precedent for the rest of the relationship. why? - because now she has it in her head that she can mess you around and thet you'll always forgive her. Are you afraid to be harsh with her?; or is it just that you honestly feel that you are partly to blame?

Kevin

wandatowell

Unregistered wrote: »

I know I'm not completely blameless in this situation but I think I'm right in being upset

man it really does sound to be me like you are blameless, you are only guilty of being a pretty stand up guy who supports his fiance while she's going back to college.

I really feel for you man. The only thing I can say is try and keep a clear head cos you've got a few tough days ahead of you

GAAman

Unregistered wrote: »

Now, the rough part we we're going though was mainly my fault, she is very anal and I am quite messy so when the honeymoon period was over it really started to grate on her I think. So when she cheated I figured one mistake on my part, one on hers and we got on with things.


There were numerous ones from this * number proclaiming love and kisses and also how good it was to spend the night together without her having to run home and also how good it was to finally meet our pets (Obviously hes been in the house when I was in work). Needless to say I know its the dude from before as he addresses her by her first and middle names (she showed me his texts from a while back)

Now I know I'm not completely blameless in this situation but I think I'm right in being upset.

Hang on, you think you are to blame for making a mess in YOUR place and she went off with some other bloke??! TWICE??!!! Man i really do feel for you but forgettin she is in college or whatever you need to end this now. You are gonna be constantly on edge wonderin what you are gonna do that might send her into this other guys arms, and she even had him in the house you share??!!

Look i know things can be hard to see when emotionally attached but this is a no-brainer

Either way whatever happens i hope it works out best for YOU

Peewee_lane

Listen buddy, you've moved me! But theirs a girl, who has a yet to become a woman lying in bed there, and Im sure if she said yes to marraige, she wants to be that woman who supports you, but as shes clinging to college and education, she might not exactly be there either way.

All in anyways, why pour your heart out here?

If this really is the woman you want the spend the rest of your life with, then... why not air you're problems directly with her?

What age is this girl? It plays a huge part in her maturity.

Listen love, if you love this woman, let her grow WITH YOU, if not....you proposed too soon, and perhaps let that be lesson to you but if not, build on it.

Night night! x

pseudonym1

If someone told you this story and asked for your advice .. How do you think you'd react?

I m annoyed that this women has put you in such a frame of mind you would continue this relationship. Hate to say this to you - but she is using you - big time.

Unless you are leaving out big chunks of relevanve concerning your behaviour - you are no way to blame! You say your messy I say SHE is too tidy! The deciption of this affair has comprimised every part of your relationship.
I know its not an easy situation but one of ye needs to move out - if it was me I would pack all of their things (or ask them to pack all their things) and say its best be gone by a certain time. I dont see how talking can resolve this situation she sounds conieving and I dont think you need to know anymore then you do.

You deserve better and need to manage and control your life- nobody deserves to be treated in this way - unless of course they allow it to happen.
Best of luck

m83

This is a really awful story, jeez man i wouldn't wish to be in your shoes at all. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. You have to kick her ass to the kerb because there's no relationship to go back to after what she has done. Don't let the fact that you .don't know anybody else worry you. You gotta sort this out first and worry about the rest afterwards.

Kick her out asap.

anonymous_joe

Normally I wouldn't feel moved to post, but if she'll cheat on you, then let the other guy look after her.

Hardly your problem. Perhaps you should talk to her first though. But yeah, I'd give her the old heave ho.

CDfm

I agree totally - if you are engaged that means the relationship is an exclusive one or it should be.

Thats what you understand by it and she does to.

Its fairly outrageous and trust is either 100% or zero. That she has lied about it so consistantly and finds it easy to do means she is not ready to settle down and its something you have to accept. Call it what you want -immature or unfaithful or whatever,

For you the best thing to do is end it now -no recriminations or anything, Take a day off work pack her stuff and finish it.

Its very sad and I feel for you but not every woman is like that so keep that in mind.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your kind advice, yes I am the quite type of guy who doesn't wan't to cause a kerfuffle but also, I moved into her place so its not an option to pack her thins as much as I would like to, but quick update..

I made a point to sit her down and talk after a day after I posted and all she had to say is that my slovenly attitude had not caused her to fall out of love with me, but close. Fair enough, I'm a messy git and she has very high standards, I'm not beating myself up about it, but then she went on to say that she had feelings for the other mister and had to see what they ment etc etc

Now I'm not dumb, I know, logically, I can never feel the same about here but my heart longs to give her a chance, is this so wrong?

MagicMarker

My apologies if I have missed something, I haven't read the responses as I felt compelled to reply ASAP!

Man, do yourself a favour and grow a pair of fúcking balls!!!

You moved country for this woman, you practically support her and she's having an affair with this guy and you actually think even an inkling of this is your fault?!?! WTF is that about?

You are being taken for the ride of your life my friend. She has you exactly where she wants you. Get rid of the stupid excuses and move out ASAP.

LadyE

Seriously read over wha you've wrote and imagine it was someone else in your position.

Being messy does not warrent being cheated on NOTHING does. She's makinig a fool of you, with the other blokes number as her friend name in the phone, staying out with him bring him back to your house the one YOU pay for!

Seriously get out, she has no respect for you or considers your feelings in all this, so why should you!!!

And you ARE blameless in this.

ever hear the saying "cheat once, shame on you, cheat twice, shame on me?"

pseudonym1

I'd love to say do what your heart tells you - she is probably a good person .... but in this instance must insist you get the flock out of there asap. Your being needy clingy and full of fear.


If money is a contributory factor for not leaving - I think she ought to assist in a deposit!


Does she love you? Have you asked her?

If having an open relationship is something you can handle then that is between ye guys. She deceived you so I am assuming that was not an agreement. It does work for some relationships but I will continue this post in the assumption you want a monogamous honest equal relationship

Get yourself together - become the best possible person you can be and dont waste your time with someone who lives with you shares your life tells you you are ultra messy ... has an affair and disguises his number as a friends - very calculated imo!

This woman is no good. for you. - new opportunity since you dont know many people get yourself out there join clubs get fitter healthier and get the rid of the crap in your life!! There are lots of people out there with lots of love to give.

I dont care if she is a super model and gives you ultimate sexual fantasies - it is a mask for someone that has and will continue to hurt you if you don't as magic said grow a pair! Its your decision but I urge you to get out cease contact ASAP! If you dont you will isolate yourself in a situation that will hinder your growth , emiotionaly it will knaw away and end up with no esteem. You were wise enough to post here asking for advice and questioning things now continue! Hope you do whats right for you!

metrovelvet

Unregistered wrote: »

Thank you for all your kind advice, yes I am the quite type of guy who doesn't wan't to cause a kerfuffle but also, I moved into her place so its not an option to pack her thins as much as I would like to, but quick update..

I made a point to sit her down and talk after a day after I posted and all she had to say is that my slovenly attitude had not caused her to fall out of love with me, but close. Fair enough, I'm a messy git and she has very high standards, I'm not beating myself up about it, but then she went on to say that she had feelings for the other mister and had to see what they ment etc etc

Now I'm not dumb, I know, logically, I can never feel the same about here but my heart longs to give her a chance, is this so wrong?

Up until this post, I thought you were blameless. You are tolerating it. She is cheating on you and you are letting her get away with it and she will never ever ever respect you for not demanding more from her, from not seeing the better in her, for validating the worst parts of her, for not helping her be better than her lying cheating self by calling her on it and telling her where to go with it.

You are both better than that.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Now I know I'm not completely blameless in this situation

Other than being a messy slob, what do you mean by this?
Cos if it's just that, then reality check here.
Yes, I know living with a slob can melt your head, but being messy does not mean that she has the right to treat you like a piece of sh!t on her shoe.
She's cheating on you and that's just not on.
Personally, I'd dump her ass faster than a hot snot.

paperclip2

What Beruthiel said.

You leave your jocks on the floor and she sleeps with another guy!

The two are not even comparable. You sound like a decent guy and as other have said you are being taken for a ride. Maybe she is the One for you, but she clearly hasn't decided that you are the only one for her. If you want to be with her so badly then you may have to get used to how you are feeling right now. Also I think 9 months is a really short time for the honeymoon period to be wearing off. Especially given how much you have done to make the relationship work.

You deserve better.

Good luck OP.

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote: »

Up until this post, I thought you were blameless. You are tolerating it. She is cheating on you and you are letting her get away with it and she will never ever ever respect you for not demanding more from her, from not seeing the better in her, for validating the worst parts of her, for not helping her be better than her lying cheating self by calling her on it and telling her where to go with it.

I agree with this. You are enabling this crap and no mistake. I also agree that she has little or no respect for you.

Your passivity is what has caused her to consider looking elsewhere, not your messy nature. Trust me if you had called her on other stuff(and I guarantee there was other more subtle stuff) before this kicked off, the mess would have been a nagging point but she wouldn't be boning another bloke.

Women have a very strong built in wuss detector and filter. Much more than men. IME they will even push a guy they're interested in to test his boundaries. They have good reason to as well. A woman has to be pretty sure before committing to a guy.

Now this is not an excuse for her betrayal. If her wuss detector went into the red and she lost the spark for you, then she should have split up with you or brought this up in a better way. She didn't. If you're a neat freak or just feel ignored over a point, it may be an excuse for an argument or a breakup if nothing changes. It is not a valid excuse for, lets face it having a full on sexual affair with someone else and even bringing him around to the house you share. That's beggars belief.

IMHO you're on the slippery slope to breakup. She has pushed your buttons before this looking for a response and got none. You may think she hasn't, men usually do, but I'd put good money that she has.

So now she has shagged someone else and brought into your home, she pushes the biggest button of all and what do you do? Sweet fanny adams. Translation for her? You're emotionally weak and insecure. You're not a nice guy. Not in the way she'll feel attracted to you anyway. The time for having a quiet discussion has long passed.

As I say you're on the way to her sitting down with you and "having the talk". "It's not you, it's me/I love you but I'm not in love with you" etc That's coming and no mistake. Why hasn't it happened before now? I suspect guilt on her part. You've moved country to be with her and she's all you have, so she'll feel bad about dumping you, but IMHO that's what she wants to do. If you were living in the same country, I reckon you would be gone by now.

Apologies for being frank, but you're at an age where your balls dropped long ago. Use them or lose them.

not yet

3 words..........grow a pair!!