Girlfriend Cheated

Giggidy

I may as well just start from the beginning.

I was recently away for christmas and new years, roughly 10 days. I came back and visited my girlfriend. She also had been away with friends for just new years. Straight away she sits me down and tells me she was with someone on new years. She tells me she was drunk and kissed a friend of hers. She claims it was only a peck on the lips with tiny bit of tongue, she then realised what she did and pulled away and walked off. She claims she doesnt really speak with this person anymore and they were only around each other because it was a group of them. She says it meant nothing even to him as he got off with another girl and brought her back. She claims she told her best friend straight away and she was crying afterwards. I asked her why and she says again she was drunk and that she missed me and she was left alone and then bumped into him. I honestly don't know what to do, advice is needed, I found this heartbreaking and humiliating but still love her...........HELP!!!!

MagicMarker

So she can't be away from you for 10 days without being ''lonely'' and needing to kiss another guy?

Forget the drink, it's a lame excuse, people get drunk all the time, they don't cheat because of it!

Main question now is, can you trust her again? If there's no trust, there's no relationship.

How long are you together?

neuro-praxis

Ok, it was one kiss, and she confessed immediately.

Presuming she takes responsibility for it, if I were you, I'd forgive her and move on. That will hurt probably, but love is hard. Give her another chance I sez.

garbanzo

What age group are you both and do you love her . . . . really ?

unhappycamper

Giggidy wrote: »

I may as well just start from the beginning.

I was recently away for christmas and new years, roughly 10 days. I came back and visited my girlfriend. She also had been away with friends for just new years. Straight away she sits me down and tells me she was with someone on new years. She tells me she was drunk and kissed a friend of hers. She claims it was only a peck on the lips with tiny bit of tongue, she then realised what she did and pulled away and walked off. She claims she doesnt really speak with this person anymore and they were only around each other because it was a group of them. She says it meant nothing even to him as he got off with another girl and brought her back. She claims she told her best friend straight away and she was crying afterwards. I asked her why and she says again she was drunk and that she missed me and she was left alone and then bumped into him. I honestly don't know what to do, advice is needed, I found this heartbreaking and humiliating but still love her...........HELP!!!!

Hmmmm as a sinner myself I know that I have really regretted doing the dirt but I also know when I told the truth it was not the exact truth if you get me. If you love her and she wants a second chance then give it to her but be careful, once a dawg always a dawg and that includes myself. I personally want to learn about love and relationships and commitment so I am reading books on these things TO IMPROVE MY MORAL STANDINGS WITHIN RELATIONSHIPS. To not make mistakes and kiss others is easy if you have a good set of morals but sadly when some people get drunk their MORALS go out the frikkin window and the entire relationship suffers until eventual distrust and destruction. Doing the dirt is completely wrong ... drink or no drink it is completely inexcusable. What it really boils down to is the big question...

Is she really telling you the full truth OP?



If she is then I say forgive and forget ,if you have your doubts and your inner self is telling you otherwise then you have to question why you are in the relationship in the first place. Thats my opinion anywayzzz.

cufroige

I say fair balls to her for having the decency to tell you..

The rest is up to whether you can get over it & trust her again & she proves that she is worthy of your trust & another chance

A drunken kiss is just that, I think. unless you suspect there's more to it.

Lame excuse maybe, but the way she described it doesn't sound like there was any passion involved or that she was very proud of herself, sounds like she ruined her night, rightly so..and drink is a f***er for leading people to do very stupid things, whether it's an excuse or not, it is a major factor in stupidity.

I'm not excusing her, you've every right to feel the way you do, it is cheating but this is something you'll have to either deal with or not. If you do get over it, leave it behind, don't 'think' you've gotten over it & let the dwelling lurk over you & manifest itself as anything else

Good luck

cufroige

MagicMarker wrote: »

Forget the drink, it's a lame excuse, people get drunk all the time, they don't cheat because of it!

Yes they do!:(

unhappycamper

cufroige wrote: »

Yes they do!:(

I have to agree

MagicMarker

cufroige wrote: »

Yes they do!:(

unhappycamper wrote: »

I have to agree

That would insinuate that you can't control yourself when drinking, my advice is to stop drinking.

LegacyUser

I must say, and I'm not just saying it, it is completely out of character for her to betray anyone let alone me. Plus she on roaccutaine, the acne stuff, dunno why really she has bout three spots....girls.......but that mixed with drink i'm sure is a killer.....

I must also say she is a terrible liar!!! I mean terrible, I've never met anyone as bad as her!!!!

cufroige

MagicMarker wrote: »

That would insinuate that you can't control yourself when drinking, my advice is to stop drinking.

That 'insinuates' nothing, I don't drink. I also am not looking for your advice

It is a fact of life, it happens.

some people should not drink for many reasons.

OP, talk with your girl about the drink element here, it is relevant
She will be drunk again, can she trust herself, nevermind having your trust

unhappycamper

MagicMarker wrote: »

That would insinuate that you can't control yourself when drinking, my advice is to stop drinking.

In that case the entire world of people who misbehave or drop their morals or make mistakes while drinking shouldn't drink at all? They should just stop? Are you kidding me? You need a drink :pac::pac:

People make mistakes when they drink and you are right they probably should not drink at all but we all have to live to you know and enjoy socializing.

LegacyUser

OP, there will be quite a few on here telling you that a kiss means nothing, blah blah. And that is fine. Everyone has their own standards.

Objectively, a kiss is not a big deal. Its nothing in the grand scheme of things.
But when love and emotions get involved, a kiss can become a huge deal.

Personally, a kiss is a deal breaker for me. As hard it would be, I would break it up. I would not be able to accept a GF like that. You need to ask yourself if you can accept a GF like that.

My male emotions, my pride and my self-respect matter too much to me to allow someone to treat me like that. If you don't respect yourself, no one else will.

And hey, you never know, if you call it off now, maybe in a few months the wounds will have healed sufficiently for you to start going out with her again. You will have made a stand, she will realise the consequences of mistreating you.

Or maybe you won't get back together. It will be hard, no doubt. But you will gradually stop loving her and in time, you will fall in love with someone else. Someone who won't do this to you. Because there are lots of great girls out there who wouldn't do this. And you will thank your lucky stars that you had enough balls to take the hard decision with this relationship, and that it gave you the opportunity to meet someone more suited to you.

If you do make the right decision, come to PI anytime you are feeling down about the break up. People break up every day, and they do get through it. I was one of them. Good luck OP, and trust me, I'm speaking from experience.

Giggidy

I must admit, and I'm not just saying it but it is out of character for her 2 betray anyone!! shes on that acne tablets roaccutain and decide to drink as it was new years one off as you cant't really drink on them.....I feel this might of played part

Also she is a terrible liar, I mean one of the worst I've seen ever, truly awful!!! So when she said it I believed her because I know when shes lying! She broke down crying on her knees infront of me begging for forgiveness. I still told her if I do forgive her she has to re-earn my trust.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm the unreg poster just above your last post.

Funny enough you should mention that. I'm a male in my early 20s, I'm also on roaccutane. I have suffered more than most with side efects, I have had every possible problem, bad blood tests, hair loss, wild flare ups, major depression and mood swings. In the summer, I decided to have two pints and nearly knocked myself unconscious with sickness. Drinking is a huge no-no, as I found out to my cost. I also had to stop treatment and restart at a lower dose. Everything is fine now, the treatment has worked. Why am I telling you this? Because roaccutane does not cause you to cheat. When she says that she was feeling lonely, I actually would have more leeway with her now. I myself have experienced the mood swings and paranoia that the drug causes. they are very real. So I would sympathise with her.

However, it is not an excuse to cheat. I will admit, my opinions have changed slightly now. I am a bit more sympathetic towards her. But I still think you should break up with her. Give yourself a while, maybe a month or so, to be on your own. Normally I would be against leaving her 'on hold' like this. But you are entitled to some space, she has cheated. Tell her she is free to move on if she can not stand being on hold, and stay firm on that.

If you are meant to be together
1) She will wait
2) The space will allow you to come to terms with everything and forgive her properly

Otherwise, the space will allow both of you to realise its not gonna work and it will be easier to move on.

Now, giving each other space is extremely difficult to do. But if you do it, do it properly.
No contact, not even a single text, for any reason.

TBH, I think you are gonna be too soft on her and you will forgive her soon. Sorry if that offends, its just my opinion. I could be way off base. If you want my username to PM me about this, just say it and I can get in touch with you by PM.

I do have sympathy with you, its a tough situation.

unhappycamper

unhappycamper wrote:

You need a drink :pac::pac:

If you genuinely feel you 'need' a drink you have another reason there to stop

you are right they probably should not drink at all but we all have to live to you know and enjoy socializing.

You can't socialise without alcohol and that doesn't sound wrong to you? :rolleyes:
Go ahead and live then but do take responsibility if you knowingly put yourself into situations where you know you may make 'mistakes'

anyway to get myself back on topic OP, I'd try and forgive her if you feel you can trust her again but if you do , make sure it doesnt still hang around in your head too long if you have forgiven her

SoupyNorman

Hi OP,

I can see you be in a sticky bind!

Well if were me, my main concern is would I be able to cope the next time we are apart for a few days. You could have yourself driven demented with trust issues. I respect your girl for owning up but she has sower'd the relationship and for me its splits ville.


Everybody flirts, everybody is attracted to other people...this is all instinctual. It is not instinctual to have to kiss everyone you're attracted to. The Alcohol arguement is rubbish, I'm in a 4year relationship, been blind drunk around plenty of nubile ladies and no hanky panky! By the By, I was on Roaccutane before too, there are many many side effects but 'cheating on Yo man' is not one of them.


Its a tricky situation because she didnt have sex (you must assume) so its not an outright break-up in your mind but I reckon she did not tell you the total truth, you could probably add another 40% of boldness onto her story and I can image by 'telling' you what she did shes usung that as her one way ticket back into your strong manly arms but my advice would be to stay Objective and dont let too many emotions cloud your judgment!


Hope things work out for you.

St Bill

It's really up to you OP, you know your girlfriend. I wouldn't look at what she did as a deal-breaker, but it all depends on how long you're going out with her and how much you know her, and of course how much you're willing to take. It's really down to you.

Giggidy

Thnks unregistered user, you've been the most helpful and thats down to your honesty. I don't take offence to that bit you said. I do want to forgive her because I do know it is out of character for her, I'm sure if you met her you'd feel the same, I spoke with a one of my best friends, asking him not to tell a soul, he said I should forgive her because she was honest and it was unlike her....He was saying mayb forgive her and lay down some ground rules, kinda put her on probation if you will, similar to your idea just not as....trying to find a suitable word....drastic, not the best word to describe it but the only one I can think to describe it in comparision. Your advice is greatly appreicated, and I'm giving it a consideration. As I said I do want to forgive her but nothing can get rid of the humiliation, embarrassment and blow to my self-esteem I feel but time. Thanks again users,but I would like to hear more peoples opinions!

MagicMarker

If you forgive, then you HAVE to forget. If you choose to stay with her then you can never bring this up in future arguments, you have to put it behind you.

Can you forget?

[Jackass]

To be honest OP, your pride is hurting and it's a pretty sh*tty thing to happen. But put yourself in her shoes, I'm sure you would never cheat but in a moment of insanity you kissed someone for a second you would probably be devistated and feel terrible and not give a sh*te about the person it was because you love your girlfriend and feel terrible.

She was upfront and told you. You have to respect that and although hard at the moment, trust her. It's a small insignificant thing from the outside looking in, but if it happens to you I'm sure it is really hurtful, humiliating and feel betrayed.

I say forgive her, let her know how much it hurt you but you believe her it meant nothing and was a stupid mistake. It will take a while to forgive her completely as you are so betrayed and hurt by it, but you're willing to trust her and work on it because you love her.

If you break up for a few months and then hope you get back later so that your man pride will be in tact, then what are you running the risk of? Her being single and upset and rebounding and sleeping with a dude? You never know how people react to break ups and if your broken up she has no loyalty to you and may be bitter and rebelious because of the hurt and shag a dude. No point playing games and messing around. You love her, you trust her than tell her exactly what this meant to you and how messed up it is but you are willing to give it time to heal and build the trust back up 100%

If she hears that sh*t she'll know your not being a pussy about it but are also not going stand for it, but love her and will work to trust her again. She wont feel like she got away with anything and fair play to her for having the balls to fess up.

pookie82

Hey OP. Just flicked through this thread now and thought I'd give my two cents worth (for what it is worth!). Firstly, I would be one of those people who traditionally despise cheating and every aspect of it. I've had arguments galore with mates and boyfriends about the absolute unacceptability of it. BUT, reading this has me a bit baffled to be honest.

You reckon she's a bad liar and you could tell if she wasn't feeding you the whole truth. Therefore lets assume that she told you every aspect of this event. In that case, it was a peck, tiny bit of tongue involved, doesn't sound passionate or prolonged and it didn;t continue into the night or lead to sex. In fact, it sounds like she pulled away in a nano second and felt so awful that she spent the rest of the night freaking out about it and was in a crumpled heap at your feet begging for forgiveness when you came home.

I really don't think that this is grounds for dumping her ass. The girl was drunk and foolish and made a mistake for which she was INSTANTLY sorry and, more importantly, which she immediately admitted to. That's not the legacy of a hardened cheater who will reoffend or who committed such an act with flippancy and familiarity. Come on, I think you can accept that if you love this girl, a ****ty mistake on a drunken night out may warrant a very serious chat, but not an out and out break up.

On the roaccutane issue - I have a very close friend who took this drug for over a year with utterly devestating consequences. She was wracked with depression and misery for most of the duration and just about lasted the entire course without attempting something drastic. Now she never cheated on anyone while on the drug, and neither did the other posters here who took it - but that doesn;t mean that it didn't have an adverse effect on your GF which may have led to her making a silly mistake in the heat of the moment when she mixed a highly potent drug with alcohol and a bit of lonliness over the holidays. Is it an acceptable excuse? No. But it MAY be a valid REASON. Just because Joe soap doesn;t cheat on the same drug does not mean that it's side effects won't lead anyone else to make regrettable mistakes.

Anyway, roaccutane issue aside, a tiny kiss really doesn't seem to me like a reason to dump her outright. It also sounds like the girl has put herself through the mill on this one all on her own. If you want to think up a certain "trial" or lesson or probationary period for her then go right ahead, but IMO I think a good stern chat and a warning of the unacceptability of the act should be enough. If she makes a habit of these kisses, or has done in the past, or keeps in touch with this guy, or if there's details you're not sharing here, then I may be totally wrong in suggesting forgiveness here. But based on what you've said so far, I think you'll do more damage to yourself by cutting off your nose to spite your face and dumping someone you love over a few-seconds kiss. At least try to rebuild the trust before you give up.

LegacyUser

Seems like a very silly excuse from a silly girl. Oh I was sad, oh I was confused, oh I was lonely. Yeah right, exactly like men do, you got drunk and did it because you wanted to. I wouldn't dump her over it though.

sunflower352

totally agree with you dwddwd, silly .. lame excuse , if she cant trust or respect herself when out on the beer ... maybe she should quit the beer... well before her boyfriend walks away... and yes I am aware it was just a kiss !!!!!!

LegacyUser

HI Giggidy, unreg user here again.


you wrote
''He was saying mayb forgive her and lay down some ground rules, kinda put her on probation if you will''

I do not agree with this at all. If you get back into a relationship with her, it must be on equal terms. She should not have to be on edge the whole time. You need a natural relationship. It cannot last if she is on probation. Such a relationship is not a proper relationship, you will be wasting her time, and your own. You will aclse cause emotional pain to the two of you.

you wrote
''As I said I do want to forgive her but nothing can get rid of the humiliation, embarrassment and blow to my self-esteem I feel but time. ''

Time will not get rid of it IMO. Only clear thinking and a bit of objective perspective, which you cannot get in this relationship. If I was you, then I would call time on it for now. I was in your postion before, and I got back with my GF. Resentment grew over time and we eventually broke up. I wasted my time. If I had broke up with her, I would have saved a lot of pain, and we may have been able to patch things up when I had a clear mind. It would also have meant that she respected me. Subconciously, I think my GF lost respect for me when I took her back so meekly. I would advise not to repeat my mistakes.

The only way you can regain your self-esteem is by refusing to let someone treat you like this. IMHO.

Jackass wrote
''If you break up for a few months and then hope you get back later so that your man pride will be in tact, then what are you running the risk of? Her being single and upset and rebounding and sleeping with a dude? You never know how people react to break ups and if your broken up she has no loyalty to you and may be bitter and rebelious because of the hurt and shag a dude. No point playing games and messing around. You love her, you trust her than tell her exactly what this meant to you and how messed up it is but you are willing to give it time to heal and build the trust back up 100%''

IMO if this happens then you will know she is not right for you. If you decide you need some space to think things through, she should be mature enough not to go running off and scoring some random guy. Its her mess, she has to face the consequences. If that means waiting for you to think about things, then so be it. If she really wants you, she will be prepared to do it. Its no about playing games, I would never advocate making her suffer for her mistake. Its clear she is sorry. That is not the issue. The issue is you sorting yourself out and deciding if you can resume a relationship with this girl. If this girl cheats on you, then shags a guy while you want space to clear your head, then is that the kind of person you really want to go out with anyway. Now most people will claim this is an unrealistic, and it probably is. Most people have low expectations, but they won't admit it.
You need to decide which kind of person you are. We all end up with the person we deserve IMO.

Jackass also wrote
'' If she hears that sh*t she'll know your not being a pussy about it but are also not going stand for it, but love her and will work to trust her again. She wont feel like she got away with anything and fair play to her for having the balls to fess up.''

IMO actions speak louder than words. Demand space. Taking her back without thinking things through clearly will show her that you are most definitely being a pussy. No offence, again.

pookie 82 wrote
''I really don't think that this is grounds for dumping her ass''

Objectively, pookie is right. A kiss is not grounds for it. What is grounds for dumping her are: lack of trust, lack of respect, space to think.

pookie 82 wrote
That's not the legacy of a hardened cheater who will reoffend

This may be true. But even if it is, that is no good to you if you are tormented with doubt and insecurity every time you are apart.

pookie82 wrote:
''Now she never cheated on anyone while on the drug, and neither did the other posters here who took it - but that doesn;t mean that it didn't have an adverse effect on your GF which may have led to her making a silly mistake in the heat of the moment when she mixed a highly potent drug with alcohol and a bit of lonliness over the holidays. Is it an acceptable excuse? No. But it MAY be a valid REASON. Just because Joe soap doesn;t cheat on the same drug does not mean that it's side effects won't lead anyone else to make regrettable mistakes''

This post is a contradiction IMO. Roaccutane messes with your mood, no doubt. But even if the r-tane caused your gf to be lonely, is the proper response to loneliness to kiss someone else? No, never in a million years.

Now, from the evidence here, I think the two of you have a good chance of sorting things out.

But you must do it properly. Properly does not mean a big serious talk with her and then a fogiveness hug.

It means getting space for a reasonable amount of time, at least, at least, at least, a few weeks without contact. I say a few weeks at least because it will take that time to get over your own loneliness. Then you can start thinking objectively about it. And if you decide, hey it wasn't such a big deal, give her a call and see if she is still open to the relationship. If she is, great, start again. If not, then she really didn't care that much anyway and you're better off without her. A few weeks without kissing or shagging someone else is not a lot to ask for. It shouldn't even need to be asked for if she genuinely wants to work this out. She should automatically give you space if you request it. If she cannot be loyal during that time, run a mile mate, there are better girls out there. I know, because I have one now.

Katgurl

can i ask how long are you together OP & what age you both are?

have you ever been cheated on in the past / cheated on anyone?


your post touched a chord with me, mainly because I behaved like your girlfriend with an ex & I can honestly say I have never been able to figure out why i did it. It was a drunken girls weekend away, i briefly kissed some guy, I didn't feel anything for him at all, seriously to this day i can't tell you why I did it. Like your girlfriend, I confessed all, he was furious (and rightly so) with me, barking at me that he resists temptation too. Anyway, he cooled down after ignoring me for 48 hours (& giving me serious fright), I apologised manically, he accepted my (very sincere) apology and we got on with things, never posed anymore problems, mainly I think for the following reasons
a) he knew i was genuinely sorry & he still trusted me
b) he didn't drag it up in every (any) argument
c) i knew he wasn't going on some revenge attempt


by the way, if you're feeling humiliated, please don't, i certainly never thought my ex was less of a man, in fact i found the opposite.

And in case my post suggests otherwise, i'm not belittling the situation, i would feel severely hurt if it was other way around.

kingofthecastle

its like this lad, you have to ask yourself a number of questions to get to the right decision

1. did she tell you what happened because she wanted to, or because she was afraid someone else would tell you

2. did she tell you the whole truth about what happened or a watered down version

3. if you forgive her will that be a green light to her for her to do it again

4. can you forgive and forget, if not then move on

5. even the score and see how she reacts

drink is not excuse for unacceptable behaviour, if it was we could all cheat on our partners when we have had a few and use drunkeness to justify it. you say that she is a bad liar but women in general are way better at concealing affairs than men. its obvious that you want to take her back and forgive her but dont neglect your pride, dignity, self-respect and self confidence. if she did it once she'll do it again, prioritise number one

Valmont

Giggidy wrote: »

She tells me she was drunk and kissed a friend of hers. She claims it was only a peck on the lips with tiny bit of tongue, she then realised what she did and pulled away and walked off.

I've heard that exact line before and in my experience it was a complete lie. It just sounds to good to be true given the circumstances.

Liam Byrne

kingofthecastle beat me to it with what I was going to say.

She did tell you, which could be a good thing as long as it was for the right reasons.

She did also include some lame excuses instead of taking full responsibility, but we probably all do that when we do something stupid.

Big one - can you trust her next time she's out and drunk and you're not ? If you can, then hang in there.....but kick here to touch IMMEDIATELY if she EVER does it again, otherwise you'll be walked on forever.

happyoutscan

kingofthecastle wrote: »

1. did she tell you what happened because she wanted to, or because she was afraid someone else would tell you

Ditto

Rb

Giggidy wrote: »

I must admit, and I'm not just saying it but it is out of character for her 2 betray anyone!! shes on that acne tablets roaccutain and decide to drink as it was new years one off as you cant't really drink on them.....I feel this might of played part

Also she is a terrible liar, I mean one of the worst I've seen ever, truly awful!!! So when she said it I believed her because I know when shes lying! She broke down crying on her knees infront of me begging for forgiveness. I still told her if I do forgive her she has to re-earn my trust.

So the girl cheats on you and feeds you a load of excuses, now you're online making more excuses for her while you're asking what you should do about it, when it's quite clear you want to stay with her?

If you want to forgive her, then go ahead and do it. Personally I think you should grow a pair and stand up for yourself, which you're clearly not doing. (You're even just talking to those advocating staying with her, whilst ignoring those who say break up with her).

If it were me, I would have broken up with her the minute she'd uttered the words. Once a cheat, always a cheat and you'll be left paranoid every time she goes out without you in the future.

LegacyUser

Some reality into the situation people. It was only a goddamn kiss. She is his girlfriend ... that's all. Its not like they are married, have any major commitments or like the relationship is a serious one to start with. Forget about it and move on. Or if you can't and it makes you feel any better flirt and tease with some random and go back and tell her that you were really close to kissing some girl in a bar. Have fun FFS and stop taking relationships so serious.

Giggidy

Rb you come on and critise me like that and offer ****ing useless help. I say **** you you arrogant little ****. You come on when I'm feeling my lowest and tell me to grow a pair??? And with that picture of a gay guy crying over britney and posting 11,000 times it indicates to me you have little or no social life! How bout you keep your snotty little opinions to yourself and **** off and leave it to people you have been through similar situation. I was merely trying to give people all the inormation and if you look I respond to someone to tells me to break up with her. So know your ****ing facts you ****head

Nevyn

Giggidy banned for a week.