How can he do this to me?

LegacyUser

I went out with a guy for 2.5 years - it started off as the nicst relationship ever - it was like we were meant to be. We were crazy about eachother but one thing led to another he got moody and i got clingy and insecure - we started breaking up and getting back together which made me even more insecure and clingy and then we eventually broke up altoegther for the last time October 2007. So, he wanted to stay friends and i was just to devastated to see him go so i hung around at his beck and call, sleeping with him until i eventually would spill out my guts and beg him to get back with me and he would always say no. He started seeing someone in September and I wanted to do no contact....Now I did brilliantly, didn't miss him a huge amount and really felt like i didn't know what i ever saw in him. I felt like he'd used me and was over him......I even went to a fortune teller who told me to be careful of him coming back and an unwanted pregnancy and i was like "Yeah right" - there is nothing he can do!!!


Anyway, I was on holidays in America in November and i was posting on a forum we are both members of (i'm far more active than him) and noticed he'd posted up that he was in a crash with a drunk driver and nearly died.....i felt odd about it. I decided the right thing to do would be to text him to say i hoped he was ok - he kept replying but I was wary and stopped. 2 days later, when i was still in America, he called me drunk crying that he nearly died and he realised who really cared about him and he felt so alone and he had no one. He must haave called me 4 times, hysterically, i just kept saying there was nothing i could do.

The next day, he texted to say sorry and called and we had a brief chat after i asked was he ok - as soon as i got off the phone he sent me a mail thanking me for talking to him.

When i got back to Dublin we talked more and i told him i wasn't so sure i could be friends yet....Chirstmas is a tough time for him and he asked would i just give him 6-8 weeks - so i agreed. He also told me that he posted the car crash on the internet knowing i would see it.....and in terms of us getting back together, he said thatit was something he thought of a lot but knew he couldn't handle.

Anyway, the friendship, like our relationship was very inense - for the first part he seemed really afraid to lose me but as time went on he was saying he didn't get my texts, and callling me paranoid for questioning him on it.....it felt a bit weird. But besides all that stuff i felt myself falling for him again......i managed to keep it in for weeks but tonight i came clean and he still has no interest in getting back together!!! This is someone who calls me most days when he wakes up - misses me terribly when i'm not around and although we decided recently to stop - we had slept together too not so long ago....

I just don't understand!!! He said when he remembers us he remembers being stressed and he seems to remember us as being really unhappy?? I just don't get why he came back at all - sorry if i'm rambling but i just would figure if your ex spent the guts of a year getting over you would it not be nice to leave her alone??

I feel heartbroken all over again

neuro-praxis

I am so sorry for how you have been treated.

He is a manipulative user, who uses you as an emotional crutch, knowing you have strong feelings for him.

I think the best route is to cut all contact, deleting and blocking his numbers and email addresses, and blocking him on facebook etc. Explain to him, once, that you are doing this, and let that be the end of it. Then allow yourself to grieve and move on.

He is a very destructive and hurtful influence in your life. He is no "friend" - friends don't leave one another broken-hearted.

Good luck pet.

PCPhoto

totally agree - best to get him out and keep him out of your life (he's mentally messing you up)

englishe

Hi there - im sorry to hear you've gone through this. i went through something similar with an ex, - on/off, broke my heart, sucked me in again to only break it a second time like you. I would advise just leaving him totally to himself. Dont answer his emails, texts or calls, like you've done before and get on with your life, fill your time up with new hobbies, courses etc etc - not only will you meet new people, but you wont give yourself the time to sit around and think about him too much. he clearly does not deserve or truely respect you, and that is his fault, nothing on you. You have given him enough time and chances - there is someone better and more worthwhile out there for you.

banshee_bones

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I am so sorry for how you have been treated.

He is a manipulative user, who uses you as an emotional crutch, knowing you have strong feelings for him.

I think the best route is to cut all contact, deleting and blocking his numbers and email addresses, and blocking him on facebook etc. Explain to him, once, that you are doing this, and let that be the end of it. Then allow yourself to grieve and move on.

He is a very destructive and hurtful influence in your life. He is no "friend" - friends don't leave one another broken-hearted.

Good luck pet.

+1
its very hard to do this and you have to be really sure but i really think this would be best as he really does only seem to be using you.

Best of luck with whatever you do

Wormking2002

best to get away from that suitation. its not healthy when it makes you feel that way...more fish in the sea and all that...get someone who'll treat ya with some respect...relationships are meant to be enjoyable...anyway good luck...

vinnyryan

Think you just have to let go and not only aim to refrain from all contact but prevent it. He clearly has an issue and its his alone. In short, run the other way from anything that even brings him to mind (block; phone numbers, e-mails, post, routes to venues, forums ie. eveything). You have done this before and if it helps it'll be much easier this time but important that you just move on with life - broaden you activities or circle of friends and when your ready you will meet someone else.

Best Wishes
V.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all your replies....i think i was being used.

I struggle with what to do because i went through a **** time and he tried to be there for me. Whenever i get angry at him he reminds me of that.


What annoys me is how blinded i get.....When i got home from holidays all of my friends and family were so so angry he was back in touch.....it seems they knew something i didn't - they knew he'd hurt me again, and i sided with him over all of them. I I do think his heart is in the right place but he's too selfish to see that what he's doing is so hurtful to me. I'm not even brave enough to say this too his face...

It's a new year and i'm not going to give him anymore of my life, it just hurts feeling used, or i've been taken for a ride.

MIN2511

It's all about discipline, it doesn't matter if you delete his numbers/emails/texts/contact details if you want to make contact you would find a way.

This guy has toyed with your emotions, he has humilated you, he also led you to believe there could be more-do you really need such a person as a FRIEND?

St Bill

Your thread title is 'How can he do this to me?'. Well he's doing it to you because you're letting him, is the unfortunate answer. It's up to you to decide that people like him don't affect you. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. If you saw your friend constantly going back to a man who has absolutely no respect for her, what would you say to her?

Ciara2008

Yes, unfortunately there are lots of men who will do this to you. As soon as they suspect you to be moving on they will do something to reel you back in. None of them are worth the time or the tears.

I'm going to hazard a guess that when your ex boyfriend contacted you on your holiday this phone call where he was crying and hysterical was a totally out-of-character thing for him to do?

If I am right then please be aware that even though you clearly have a soft spot for him he is a dangerous and manipulating person.

Also, and I'm surprised no one has already said this but when people are on holiday you respect that they have paid a lot of money, spent lots of time getting excited and taken time off work to be there! You do all you can to let them relax and enjoy the break - You DO NOT deliberately concern them with your problems - like I am sorry - but this guy sounds disturbed and absolutley horrible.

OP you sound like a nice person. My advice is to do whatever you can to tell him its over and try discourage him from coming back. It's a hard thing to do but the reason you felt used and couldn't work out what you saw in him before was because you were away from it! You did it before and you will do it again. As previous posters said - redirect emails, delete texts befor reading, change your number if you have too.

funloving

Don't wait for him to decide whether to be with you or not....
You have the power to make choices in your life for your own best..
I know it's hard 'cause I've been through the same but decide to let him go.
This person has no respect for you and for your happiness..

Cut all contacts and don't believe him when he looks changed..people don't!
it's only the case of "You never know the value of water until the well runs dry"

he deserves to be thirsty forever IMO

estar

get away from this man. he will ruin your happiness.

you will never be happy with him.

LegacyUser

I appreciate all your replies so much. Ive spent so long thinking my family only hated him because i made him out to be horrible when i was really at the route of the problem but a friend of mine advised me to make a list of all the lovely things he has done for me that have made me happy and all the things he has done that have made me sad.

Well, the list is very unbalanced and the one thing that really stands out is how he is very unconcerned with how his actions affect me.

Anyway, this is a long time coming but i've only been in touch with him again for around 6 weeks so i'm pretty sure i'll be ok to leave him behind for good....every single time i have let him in, he has hurt me......

Anyway, your replies mean an awful lot to me, i really didn't think he'd done anything too bad till i looked at it objectively.

I do deserve someone whose nice

Thanks & Happy New Year x

funloving

Cantcope wrote: »

Well, the list is very unbalanced and the one thing that really stands out is how he is very unconcerned with how his actions affect me.

Unfortunately some people aren't concerned with the effects of their behaviour...I know this too well

I know it's a hard decision but you won't regret it...we all deserve to be happy

adagio

Ask yourself do you want to be w/someone who 'needs' you or someone who Wants you.
If the answer is 'needs' you - outside family, this relationship will Not benefit your emotional or social growth.
If the answer is Wants you - ask yourself what this person has to offer you - I would suggest that the list contain:

• Makes you laugh (stomach hurting laughing)
• Treats you as you deserve to be treated.
• Romantic
• Passionate ((if someone has passion in their life they are usually (generalization) switched-on and will accompany you in some amazing experiences))
• Honesty (possibly one of the more important)
• Humble.

Remember that, apart for dating/seeing someone because of loneliness, if you find someone who truly respects you He/She will add another dimension to you life - an addition of Color perhaps.

Best of luck and keep in mind there are plenty of 'us serious catches' out there!:D

Liam Byrne

Wow, adagio - the perfect list!

Gonna print that off and keep it as a checklist!

Karen_*

You were loads happier without him before so this time you know that happiness is just a bit beyond how you're feeling now. It doesn't matter how many times he's done this, you can always start again in your healing work and each time stronger than before. Who knows why he's done this again? Sounds to me like he can't bear someone to be over him and getting on with their life. There's good things ahead for you and you'll get over this but he'll still be the same and he knows that.

Never mind what he's thinking or feeling. Just look after you. Dust yourself down and start again.

MJOR

Just think of the being in contact with him again as a little blip and get back on the blocking him out action again. He hasn't earned your time or respect! Hindsight is 20:20 girl look forward and love yourself:)

Peewee_lane

Hunny bunny, Im 24 and i cant tell you how good it was to get this type of fella out of my life 2.5 years ago.

Get a piece of paper.

Write out what you want from life.

Write out what you would like from life.

Stick to it.

Live your life baby, and dont let the messy ones get in your way.

x mucho love and luck to ya!