My life is a disaster

LegacyUser

I dont know where to start with this but thought writing it down might help.
My main issue is with my job. After years of trying to break into a specific field and getting nowhere fast i took a low paying job in a completely different field because it was close to home and when i was being interviewed i was told that with a bit of hardwork there were promotional prospects.
my main gripe is the lack of respect shown to me by managers. I work really hard and there is no recognition for this.
I was quite ill before christmas but not wanting to get any black marks i persevered.
One of the managers was a decade younger than me (im nearly 30) and on a serious power trip. it was very humiliating working with her because she talked down to me in front of customers and other staff. I cant stand any kind of bitchiness or office politics and there were times when i felt like walking out but stook it out.
Eventually she was let go because there were a lot of complaints about this girl from other employees. despite how she treated me i felt sorry for her at being let go a week before christmas. like i said im not a bitchy person.
anyway i thought/ hoped that was the end of the power tripping and nastiness and all was going well until christmas eve. I was in work as usual 9 to 5 christmas eve. for my family christmas eve is like christmas day, we open our presents christmas eve night. So i was understandably eager to get out of work and get home!:)
So at 5.00 i was walking towards the door and wishing everyone a happy christmas when i was stopped in my tracks by a ginormous roar "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING"?
( It was the boss). i was totally gobsmacked. she then followed on with " YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE TILL YOU DO XY AND Z THINGS.
i was absolutely furious and very upset at being spoken to like this. i had made arrangements and i had not been told that i would be required to work overtime.
a few minutes later she told me i could go but i never got a proper apology off her and i think its disgraceful the way she spoke to me.
the icing on the cake came yesterday when i discovered that a girl who joined the company weeks after i did was promoted. i feel completely overlooked and disrespected.
and now to add insult to injury this girl has started bossing me about as well!
im really at the end of my tether!
then theres my lovelife- or lack there of. i was kind of seeing this guy. i've liked him for nearly 6 years now but he is very half hearted. i dont want to go into detail but basically i have told him that we are just going to be friends because i never know where im at with him and i dont want to get hurt. i think its kind of a self protective thing because i've been hurt a lot in the past and im getting old, i cant take another 6 years of being left dangle.
my life is like a really bad soap opera. all advice appreciated xx

LegacyUser

I've had that all my life. Working under people who were simply pathetic examples of human conscience, but who understood how to self promote. It generally goes all the way to the top, if the boss has that attitude, it poisons the rest of the business. Young trainee managers on the way up generally will try to emulate their boss.

I had a boss once who used to scream in the faces of guys. These were older, hardened guys, and he often reduced them to tears. I was promoted under him, and he could never understand my cool demeanour. He said I needed to scream at them too. I disagreed fundamentally. Eventually I left.

It sounds like a self confidence issue. You need the confidence of a few grey hairs to be able to assert yourself more. If somebody spoke to me like that, for no wages would I take it. I used to years ago. With years behind me, I care less now what people think, and I give as good as I get. I do have the track record behind me of being a very reasonable and composed person, so at least I can feel confident in my own position on the matter.

It is a fact of life that some managers treat their staff like assets to the business, and other managers treat their staff like liabilities. The former will get far more productivity and respect. Alas, I am broken to the point that I cannot work for somebody else, as there seem to be a vast majority of the latter type.

As for your relationship, you did the right thing. Added together, it is making you feel quite low. I am a guy, with ten years on you, and I've been in the same situation, except I don't take crap from people any more. I am worth more than that, and so are you.

LegacyUser

Thank you, i know im worth more than this but i just dont know how to turn things around for myself. what to do- quit while im ahead or stay for possibly more abuse???
this is not the first time the boss bit my head off unjustifiably. i am such a hard worker and it just seems so unfair.

Propellerhead

OP, the nail was hit on the head when managers were divided into those who believe their staff are assets and those who believe that they are overheads.

Unfortunately, and in the present climate it will be difficult, but for the sake of your own sanity you must eventually leave. I have worked with difficult people in the past and in a way have made a sort of career of working with creative or difficult people but only under conditions of respect. Bad and dysfunctional offices abound but survive because of the egos of their owners. The next few months will ensure that the bull****ters will be driven to the wall while those with some integrity will survive.

It will be very much worth your while to speak to employment agencies directly and to specify the sort of working environment you want. You do not need to take any old job and good luck to you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I posted the first reply to you. Just to give you another perspective on your situation: If you worked for this company for the next ten years, till you were my age, earned a few bob, but had a life of misery that only got you down, where would you be?

Far better to do what makes you happy. Too many people will tell you you should sell your soul to make as much money as possible. What happens if you are run over by a bus? Will you consider it a life well lived and enjoyed to it's utmost?

Your life is now, today, not some aspirational day in the future when you hope everything will come together for you. Don't do as I did, spending year after year after year working in soul destroying jobs, ending up bitter when you are 40, and feeling that you have wasted half your life.

And be confident in yourself. Stand proud. You are every bit as entitled to stand up and call your own shots in life as anyone else is in theirs. You are a human being the same as everyone, and as long as you respect others, you are entitled to be respected too. Be honest with people, tell them how you feel, what you want from life, stand by yourself like you would for a friend, and you will gain more respect than acquiescing quietly to situations that make you unhappy.

Vengeance

First of all, great post. You've captured what a lot of people feel in their workplace.

You should know that if anybody shouts at you, touches you without first giving a reason, or insults you, then you have every right to ring the shareholders of the company and get them sacked.

It's disrespectful to go over someone's head, sure... but if they're disrespectful to you first I think it's fair game.

I work in a low paid job, and attend university. I've fought my corner with difficult people in work, and will always do so. It is your right as a worker not to feel bullied or harassed in any way, but unless you stand up for yourself and are seen to stand up for yourself, then you will have no case.

So the next time you are *forced* to stay past your working hours, insist you are leaving. If they're pissed off, so be it. But it is not something they can go down the disciplinary route for.

It is the company's fault you feel this way. If they had recognised your hard work and promoted you, you would have more of an invested interest in the business.

I once worked in a job in which the managers were tyrants. I got the sack for being sick. I had a doctor's note and everything, and informed the manager that unless i was given a certain sum of severance overtime pay(i had worked none), I would inform the new board of directors about the way she and the other managers addressed people.

I got the money.

Its easy to say, but you gotta work on standing up for yourself. Look at your contract and figure out exactly what your terms of employment are, and find out your employment rights. Then bite back if and when you need to.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies, i probably do need to assert myself more. i think i am probably too nice. like with the first manager (the one who was eventually sacked) i was really friendly to her and bought her a cake for her birthday. i have never been nasty to any of them but maybe i need to toughen up a bit if i am to gain any respect. l dont want to just walk out but i dont want to be forty and have regrets like that other poster either. for now i think i'll hold my breath to cool my porridge and start looking at other avenues to explore

Propellerhead

The survival technique you need is to be able to create distance between yourself and your abusive manager. Always be respectful but imagine a translucent buffer between you and them, and allow yourself time to react intelligently to whatever request they make. Bullies hate someone calmly reacting to them and will attempt to provoke an emotional response of some kind. Create an aura of neutrality around yourself, which will be interpreted as professionalism by most intelligent people but will infuriate a bully, but will give them no grounds whatsoever to be intimidating to you.