Is my behaviour acceptable?

LegacyUser

Not really a complex situation but I don't know if I have any justification and wouldn't mind some extra opinions on this.

Basically, I have a small group of friends in my college and we tend to socialise as an entire group but with the odd character flitting in and out.
Things were fine until this year (year three of four) when two of these friends were allotted to the same group and were then paired up to "compete" with another group, in which another friend was a member.
This is about the time that one of my friends underwent a character change. I'd like to say a drastic character change but the fact of the matter is that he's always been a little like this and we were just able to better ignore it.

I think the pressures of the exams began to get to him and he began to pay a hell of a lot less attention to the voice in the back of his head that told him what was and what was not acceptable as behaviour. He started to become increasingly nasty and was at times, on the border of bullying the friend that he was working with and the friend that he was working "against". When this behaviour began to spill out and affect others, people began to turn against him a little and gave him a slight taste of his own medicine. Things came to a head when the exam/"competition" was over and he just reverted to his normal behaviour again and expects everyone to go back to treating him the same.

And they have. Apart from me. I now refuse to talk to this guy because of the way he acted (he was literally harassing one of my friends when she was quite unwell and I really just can't forgive him for that, even though she seems to have pushed it from her head completely). I haven't made it obvious though. It's just a case of not returning his calls (there haven't been tha many any way) or his texts (ditto) or any emails (ditto). But the trouble is that the break is over on Monday and we're all going back to college. I still want no contact with the guy but I am conscious of the fact that blanking someone like that and refusing to give them a second chance is both odd in terms of behaviour and kind of on the border of bullying as well. This is made especially difficult by the fact that he never did anything directly to me and hence, I really don't have any reason to be mad, considering everyone else is prepared to forgive him (even though I remain convinced that as soon as the next exam season hits, he'll start to behave exactly the same).

Can I cut all contact with someone like this and justify it?

Talliesin

Well, it probably wouldn't count as acceptable behaviour to him, but then isn't that sort of the point?

I probably would have done the same thing. Then, I'm someone who hasn't spoken to his own father for well over a decade.

It's not so much a matter of "acceptable" as your tolerance for assholes, to my mind. You seem to have a low tolerance of assholes. I personally agree with you in this regard, but others will not. If being considered to be "nice" means more to you than not having to put up with assholes and (often more important) being considered someone who does not put up with assholes, then you have indeed committed a massive fail. However, I have found that not putting up with assholes is much more of a plus than a minus, and being known to not put up with assholes even more so, especially in the long term (in particular, people will know that you are more likely to be someone with a degree of chutzpah in situations where things get unpleasant and real friends are more important than pleasantries).

I would suggest allowing for the fact that he may well have had a bad patch and that his behaviour then need not necessarily reflect on him more generally, but I wouldn't suggest going out of your way to allow him to demonstrate that. If this is truly the case then he will have proven himself before the year is out. If not, then you save yourself the effort and pain of cutting ties a second time.

CDfm

You can count your real friends on 1 hand.

Yup the behaviour was well out of order and I would have no problem cooling off the friendship - no explanation nesscessary. That simply over dramatises stuff when there is no reason to.

Its best to stick with your real friend. If the behavior repeats dont be slow to but in and say so.

XJR

I don't understand why you're taking the fight against someone that has done nothing to you and who you admit may have done it under pressure of exams.

Surely the person who should have an issue with this behaviour is person directly affected?

Would your reaction not be more protortionate if you were to actually tell him that you found his behaviour unacceptable and that a reocurrance would result in X Y or Z sanction ?

All that said I think you're on to a hiding to nothing. Blanking him will ultimately cause you difficulties in your social circle not least due to the fact that you are note the (directly) offended party.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Just want to say I saw some of what you describe in my final college years with some people bullying others. Some of my friends said "oh she is under exam stress", but you know what that does not excuse it at all. The same traits will show up when a bully takes a job after college. I worked with a bully and it took the boss 7 years to get rid of her after a dozen people had either left or transferred because of her.
If other people want to make excuses for him then that is their choice. You are only responsible for yourself and your own actions. To the bully in my college class I remained civil and polite, I did the same with the one I worked with and my boss gave me credit for it. You sound like a healthy person so don't feel bad for not liking the bully..if everyone liked bullies then there'd be no hope for us all.

BroomBurner

OP, I have to agree with the others here. I don't think your behaviour is unacceptable or even bullying. It would be bullying if you went out of your way to be nasty to the guy, but so long as you remain civil, you're ok.

How someone reacts under pressure is a good idea of the quality of a person's character and he's just proved his. I don't think it would be wrong to not include him in your close set of friends.

Lollipops23

speaking as somone who has done a lot of group work with people who were already friends of mine and newbies.there is always tension in these groups,people you don't get on with and arguements always happen. If the people he hurt have forgiven him and moved on then maybe you should forgive and not "forget"?do you know for sure that he wasn't going through some personal trouble during this whole episode.

marie_85

I wouldn't underestimate the stress he could have been under.

I turn into an absolute weapon when exam pressure gets to me. It's at the stage now where I warn my family that I'm not going to be in a good mood for the upcoming weeks.

That said, when I'm with people I don't know too well, I make an effort to be friendly and it's only with my family and that where my true wagon-ness shows.

I'd be inclined to give him a second chance. If it happens again, or even seems to be starting, then have a word with him or get someone close to him to have a word. Everyone deserves a second chance and I'd hate to think of someone cutting me out without allowing me to atone for any bad behaviour.