When to commit??

LegacyUser

Hi

I am with my boyfriend (fiance) nearly 3 years.

I own my own apartment and he still lives at home, I know he hates living at home and would love to live with me but I just never feel ready.

I love my own place and since I have lived on my by myself for many years I m so scared of sharing my place.

Is this weird or am I being mean?

RedXIV

If he is your fiancee, you're going to have to get used to the idea of living together soon anyway. What are you afraid of losing if he moves in? Living on your own does provide you with a safe haven from the rest of the world but the idea of getting married is that your husband should be part of that haven.

MysticalSoul

When are you planning on getting married, if you are engaged already. The only reason I ask, is that it is my own personal opinion, that you should live with other for a period before getting married. I believe that is through living with someone, that you really get to know them. However, I would not rush into it either.

Silverfish

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi

I am with my boyfriend (fiance) nearly 3 years.

I own my own apartment and he still lives at home, I know he hates living at home and would love to live with me but I just never feel ready.

I love my own place and since I have lived on my by myself for many years I m so scared of sharing my place.

Is this weird or am I being mean?

I don't think its weird, its very hard giving up your personal space to someone else.

However, I'd be looking at the whys of not wanting to live with him, I'd assume if you're engaged to someone, there'd be a certain level of enthusiasm towards living with them. Is there any at all?

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I feel your pain. I lived on my own as well for a long time and absolutely love it. But eventually the man had to move in. And it wasn't that bad. Over time you adjust. Though I still miss living on my own! But its a compromise worth making. Let him know you're going to need the occasional alone night.

MagicMarker

If he hates living at home why doesn't he just move out to his own place?

I'd question why he wants to jump ship from his mams straight to yours.

Chinafoot

MagicMarker wrote: »

I'd question why he wants to jump ship from his mams straight to yours.

Because they are engaged to be married, maybe?

I personally would never in a million years even consider getting engaged to someone without having lived with them first, never mind married. Maybe he's of the same opinion. Why bother moving in to somewhere on his own when he can move in with the woman he loves and is planning to marry?

OP, your thread title seems very strange to me. Surely by agreeing to marry him (assuming that he asked you) you have made an enormous committment to him? If you're not ready to move in with him yet tell him. Let him get himself into his own place (as he's probably not bothering because he reckons the obvious move would be in with his fiancee) and you can move in together when you both feel ready. However, I'd be asking myself why I felt ready to get engaged but not ready to live with him. Kind of seems like you're paying lip service to the proposal.

Have you spoken to him about it? Do you still expect to be engaged 5 years down the line and living apart? What happens when you get married? Enjoying your personal space isn't weird, but being unwilling to compromise for the sake of your relationship doesn't really bode well to be honest. It's all about give and take. You don't need to be in each others faces 24/7. I moved in with my other half over a year and a half ago and we both still enjoy our own personal space. We acknowledged that its all about compromise and we've found a balance that works.

Talk to him.

MagicMarker

Chinafoot wrote: »

Because they are engaged to be married, maybe?

Meh, you're either married or you're not, engagement is just a noun to describe a short time in-between:)

As for the rest of your post, I agree. However, not only would I not get engaged with someone who I haven't lived with, I wouldn't live with someone who hasn't lived outside of the family home.

IMO, there are certain steps one needs to take, the OP is a couple of steps ahead at the moment, if he wants to jump a couple of steps to catch up, he might wonder what he missed further down the road.

Chinafoot

MagicMarker wrote: »

As for the rest of your post, I agree. However, not only would I not get engaged with someone who I haven't lived with, I wouldn't live with someone who hasn't lived outside of the family home.

We don't know that he hasn't though. He might have been on his own and is now back due to personal circumstances. The OP didn't really go into a lot of detail on this one

MagicMarker wrote: »

IMO, there are certain steps one needs to take, the OP is a couple of steps ahead at the moment, if he wants to jump a couple of steps to catch up, he might wonder what he missed further down the road.

I agree with you there, but again we're all just assuming. Maybe the OP needs to expand on things a little further in order for people to give better advice.

LegacyUser

HI Op,I think you're right to take your time with moving in with your Fiance, it's a big move and its good to wait until you feel its right. But please move in together before you get married!Otherwise, you'll never know each others bad habits. He could cut his toe nails and leave them all over the bathroom floor, now that wouldn't be too pretty!
My advice is definetly wait until you're ready, but don't leave it until you get married!