Mother, Father, Brother.....Family in general.

LegacyUser

Right going unreg for this as a few people I know post on boards.

Basically my family situation is a mess, has been for some time but has recently become unbearable. My father has been having a relationship with another women for the last 15 years, he claims it has never become sexual (I believe different), and on numerous occassions said that he has cut all contact with this women, only for us to recieve anon. phonecalls saying ask your husband/father about this number etc. and a few weeks before Xmas my mother found some sexually suggestive text on his phone to this women, even though he "cut" all contact with her over 2 years ago after the last time she tried to ruin my parents marriage. My father as always claims his innocence, and its only a matter of time until he guilts my mother into taking him back into her bed, he is currently staying in the spare room.

My mother is a whole different story, she was fostered from an early age after living on the streets. She has had no problem telling me stories of her past, which include rape, sexual/physical/emotional abuse at the hands of her foster family. She has no family and treats me as a sister/friend someone who she confides in. I have on more than a few occassions asked her to not inform me of her past, I have had my fill of her tragic life. The last time I asked her this, it erupted into a huge fight, me telling her she should divorce my good for nothing father and stop allowing him to have a hold over her etc., I told her I was going out to calm down and when I returned home a few hours later she had attempted to kill herself, had to be rushed to hospital, rescusitated and sectioned for a week. As well as having mental issues she is a very ill person physically, and is on many medications, often taking too many, becoming unaware of her surroundings and the people in it, she becomes so detached for eg. she attempted to stab me with scissors a few years back unaware of who I was.

My brother is a messed up kid, 2.5 years between us, my parents were always easy on him, saying sure god love him having to live in his sisters shadow (Im very academically driven while my brother hated school and got expelled a few months before his leaving cert) he has become aware of this and uses it to his advantage i.e you love my sister more than me because shes so good at x and y. He has been involved with drugs, so bad that we had a raid on our house a few years back, he has been to court on possession of weed twice and has numerous speeding offenced, he has convinced my parents that the police are "out to get him" and he is an innocent bystander in all of this! The way he acts you would never believe that we come from the same family, he is a spoilt brat, having gotten everything he ever wanted growing up, from bikes, game consoles and cars. Yes we recieved the same amount in material goods but I never once asked for a car, or anything of great value I recieved and on more than one occassion asked my parents for my beat up punto back where as my brother scoffed at getting some supped up 2.0l car for his 17th. My father is currently unemployed, has been for 2 years, having worked in very desirable jobs earning 6 figure salaries, as is my brother having been let go from his aprenticeship but he expects my parents to still support him and my father is still living as if he has a disposable income, which is causing more tension between him and my mother.

Im 20 odd years old, living at home amoung this mess. I would leave but I am in college full time with a part time job which doesnt leave me much to live off of, I lived with my partner last year but finances were tight and with my job in retail constantly being on the line due to downturn I cannot take the chance to rent somewhere at the minute,(I have tried to get a full time night job but without luck). I wish I could just cut all contact with my family, I know I probably come across as having some superioty complex, but I dont, I dont claim to be a perfect daughter/sister, but the situation is causing me many sleepless night and depression, my relationship with my partner can be strained at times as I can just burst into tears at any minute due to the rollercoaster I have been on for the last 20 years. I would love to go live with a family member, who I know would have me, but I am unaware of the effect this would have, especially on my mother and dont want to be the one blamed for another suicide attempt as I am " all she has".

I dont expect replies or sympathy, I just needed somewhere to vent, and am aware that there are many people in this world far worse off than myself. I just needed to get it all out. Sorry for the long post.

MagicMarker

Get out now, go live with your family member.

Anything that happens after you move will not be your fault, your family are grown adults and you are not responsible for their well being, only your own!!

You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

pseudonym1

Can I just say no way do I think you have a superiority complex and I think you come across as amazing in many ways.

Agree with above. Move out ASAP only option your relationship with your mother will improve and will bring strength to you both. You sound like a smart lady and glad you realise that detaching yourself emotionally and physically is the only way to get on with your life and make it a sucess. Which you have every indication of doing.

Best of luck OP xx

unreggd

I'm in the same situation

I tried for years to fix everything, but you can only help people who are willing to admit they need the help

so i moved out

Also, help yourself before anyone else

I recommend you defo move into your relatives place
You have your own life to look after, and as was said, your family are grown adults, even though they dont seem to act like it

They may try to make you feel guilty, but you cant be responsible for their issues

If ye wanna talk abt it feel free to PM me

Good Luck

RedXIV

As above, move out. I'm sure you're planning on it when you finish college so they were going to have to get used to the idea at some stage. fair play on being so driven with college, don't lose that trait, and remember to take time out for yourself. Also, see if you can apply for any extra grants or maintance from the colleges, it may help.

Best of Luck

the_syco

MagicMarker wrote: »

Get out now, go live with your family member.

Sense, you make none...

Can you please point out this "family member" you speak of?

MagicMarker

the_syco wrote: »

Sense, you make none...

Can you please point out this "family member" you speak of?

What? Did you not read the original post?

Unregistered wrote: »

I would love to go live with a family member, who I know would have me,

the_syco

MagicMarker wrote: »

What? Did you not read the original post?

My apologies, I missed that part:o

Beruthiel

Pack your bags and go live with the family member who will take you in.
You cannot fix your families problems, all that will happen is you will be dragged further down and mentally it is terribly unhealthy.
This is where you look out for number one.
Realise that both your parents are adults, they are in charge of their own lives, they alone choose the direction they go in. Nothing you do will make a difference until they make that decision themselves.
Let the responsibility you feel for them go, free yourself from it, perhaps go see a professional to help you with this.

LegacyUser

All sounds fairly familiar, let me share some conclusions I have drawn from my own experiences, be they right or wrong.

Your family have let you down, and that is one of the hardest things anyone can try and come to terms with. For the sake of yourself, your family and your future relationship, move away gently, establish yourself independently.

Your father may have good reasons for his behaiour, that you might even some day understand.

Your mother obviously has.

Your brother is a product of their problems, and may never mature into a responsible person, I expect his situation can be the most irritable of all, if you let it.

But no matter what you do to help them, you will never be able to fix them, only they can do that on their own. I would think you are in danger of becoming damaged yourself if you stay in that environment any longer.

The great thing about family is that no tie is ever unrepairable, but you _do_ need time (maybe years) away from them. I would even say don't move in with the relative, because it could make things more difficult for your mother. Could you study abroad for year, and then take it from there? It's a big leap but is usually worth it.

Personally, I let it go to far and ended up entirely 'divorced' from my family for almost 10 years, we are on good terms now, but not exactly 'family' more like aquaintances.

I'm not saying forget them and look after number 1 (because one of my siblings did that and is now quite an ugly person) but you do need to protect yourself now, so that you will have a good relationship for the rest of your lives.

Good luck

ve

Well done OP for identifying the problems that exist accurately, for acknowledging you are not part of the problem and for identifying a possible solution. I think your situtation if handled incorrectly could land you with significant guilt and these "suicide attempts" and being told that you are "all she has" are just forms of blackmail. In no way is your mother being considerate of you in any of that. Your family seems to be stuck in a rut of negative behavioural patterns and have no idea how to relieve themselves (even temporarily) without laying their symptoms upon you.

You sound like a strong person who has not been compromised to any significant degree (if not at all) through exposure to that kind of environment. I was like you in that I came from a background that didn't always have my best interests at heart and I too sought refuge in academics which in turn helped me regain my confidence.

However I was advised by professionals on many occasions to distance myself (not permanently) from those who caused me to write posts like yours. Eventually I did, and my girlfriend and I moved in together. At the start they crossed boundaries and were not as willing to let me escape that easily, but in time and a few reality checks later things seemed to calm down and I got my own life, truly independent from them. Now my relationship with them is much improved and I know (on rare occasions) when things get a bit out of control I can just say "take care", and head away.

You have to teach people how to treat you. They have to know that it's not acceptable for them to dump their problems on you without attempting to sort it out themselves. A professional once asked me before "why do you answer a phone call when you know that the person on the other end is only going to cause you unjust grief?". There was a time where I genuinely didn't think I had a choice, but of course I did. The overwhelming guilt factor sucked me right in to the chaos and didn't let me go.

You have nothing to be guilty about. Live your own life and let them sort out their own problems. Maybe they will as you, yet another support on which they stand, backs up their bags and leaves. Eventually they will have to rely on themselves. In any situation if nothing is done, nothing changes.