So, the year started badly...

tolosenc

I know there are bigger problems out there, but I just need to vent, don't think advice is needed, but who knows.

Here goes...

Back at the end of October/start of November, I developed a bit of a thing for one of the girls with whom I hang out, and to be honest we're already quite "close". I chatted to my closest mates about it, and the general consensus was that it probably wouldn't be the greatest idea in the world. So I forgot about it. Well, as best I could.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks/a month ago, I was at a mate's 21st and got rather merry. I started chatting to another one of the girls(prolly merrier than me at the time =P), her "bestie", about it. She said: "I know you think girls are complicated, but she's in a league of her own.". Essentially she said she reckoned I had a shot, and also gave me a rough strategy. So I thought about it over the following days and put her strategy into action. I also essentially set myself the "**** or get off the pot" deadline of New Year's Eve.

So we get to last night, in the pub. We're all there, and I spend a good couple of hours chatting with the girl I like, be it in groups or one on one. At about a quarter to midnight she complains to her friend, they're behind me at this point, that she has no one to kiss at midnight. I promptly turn around and say "Now you do.". Thing is, me and the lads had been telling jokes just up to then, so I said it with a vicious smirk on my face, and she just laughed, thinking I was joking(or at least I think that's what happened). No kiss at midnight, wheels beginning to come off the plan at this point. Anyway, about a half an hour later, I pull her off to the side(that reads as though it was violent, it wasn't(!)) and we start joking and messing around. I introduce physicality to the mix by tickling her a bit, it's all going OK, then one of her mates runs up and says that one of the other girls just got off work, and we're all heading up to hers. Grand. We go up there, my gaff is on the way, so I stopped in to grab a few bottles.

So I arrive at the gaff party about 15/20 minutes after everyone else. Can't see my "interest" anywhere. Ask one of the lads if she went home, he says he thinks she's outside. So I dump my drink and go out to look for her. I go around the side of the gaff, and there she is, tongue down the throat of some random dude, having arrived literally no more than 20 mins previous(she's not the type to just indiscriminately score a guy, with her it almost always goes somewhere). I was sick to my stomach, similar feeling to when I got told my grandad had died, but worse. I went back inside, and apparently looked like I'd seen a ghost. I had a drink, and then just went home.

I know it's not my place to say who she should kiss and all, and I guess I'm just angriest at myself for not being more direct about the whole thing. I'm also pretty pissed of with how I reacted and felt. Is this normal? Or had I become a bit obsessed? I'm not gonna let her get away, but nor am I just gonna barge in on her with a phone call today. I dunno. I'm awfully confused. Dunno what to do.

Thanks.

LOOOOOONG!

Kold

It happens man. Well for me it's happened a good few times. I think you just need some time to get over it and then you can decide whether you really care that much. It's so easy for us guys to develop feelings for the girls we spend a lot of time with. I have a lot of female mates and I'd say a good 60% of them I've thought of trying to push the issue with. Unfortunately I'm an absolute pussy. At least you had the guts to give it a go, count yourself lucky she thought it was a joke. You don't need to feel embarassed.

Me, myself. I take that sh*t very personally. When a girl I like is getting off with another guy I think, well f*ck her, she's made her choice. You may or may not be the same but give it a little time and then see if you really care that much in the end. Maybe if you do, try again at some other point.

Not the end of the world by a long shot mate.

LegacyUser

Sorry you had such a crap NYE.
As a woman I would say you possibly waited too long to make a move. You stayed in Friendzone too long...she thinks you were looking for an easy NYE snog cos you never made a move before.
Now if I "liked" someone I was friends with I would rather have a NYE snog with a random guy than the my male-friend who I like..cos it's less complicated than being his one-nighter.
Maybe she likes you for real,or maybe she just wants to be friends.
There is only one way to find out: Ask her out!!
What's the worst that can happen? She may say "no" but at least you're out of Friendzone which is a crappy place when you've got the hots!
Be brave...."Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady"

P.S. Don't ask her out today....everyone's tired/hungover today...but don't wait for long ok?
Good luck

chickenhawk

Sounds to me like she got fed up waiting for you to do anything so she either wanted to make you jealous or just wanted to forget about you.

She's not going out with you so she is allowed kiss other guys. So next night you see her don't let there be any weird feelings. Just keep going like you were the other night and this time kiss her.

Kold

Erm, why would she kiss another guy if she liked him? If it was a jealousy thing then f*ck her, you could do better than someone who plays games.

I don't want to harsh but I figure she probably isn't into you. Meh, f*ck it, hopefully she's a good mate. Plenty more fish. Plenty.

tolosenc

Kold wrote: »

...

So I'm not the only one :D

Unregistered wrote: »

As a woman I would say you possibly waited too long to make a move. You stayed in Friendzone too long...she thinks you were looking for an easy NYE snog cos you never made a move before.

...

Maybe she likes you for real,or maybe she just wants to be friends.
There is only one way to find out: Ask her out!!
What's the worst that can happen? She may say "no" but at least you're out of Friendzone which is a crappy place when you've got the hots!
Be brave...."Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady"

P.S. Don't ask her out today....everyone's tired/hungover today...but don't wait for long ok?

But we've been friends for years, and very close ones at that for the last 3. The whole "friend zone" isn't really a thing I can do something about, is it?
Ask her out: Easier said than done, but maybe route 1 is the easiest after all.
If you mean we wouldn't be friends if she said no, that's not a risk I'm prepared to take.
I'm too tired and hungover to bother looking for my phone, let alone actually use it, don't worry. Dunno if I'll be out and about this weekend, but the one after, I promise:).

And thanks for the new motto!

chickenhawk wrote: »

Sounds to me like she got fed up waiting for you to do anything so she either wanted to make you jealous or just wanted to forget about you.

Don't say that.
It makes complete sense, and you could well be right, but it's really not how I want it to have been.

Liam Byrne

"I know you think girls are complicated, but she's in a league of her own"

And you're still interested ? Brave man! There's plenty of "uncomplicated" girls out there that you could have craic with and maybe get somewhere and see how it goes, but from first-hand experience if enough people say something like the above then you're better off stepping back....

Of course, it's easier to see that after the fact; hindsight's a wonderful thing.....

St Bill

OP, maybe it was just a drunken New Year's snog and nothing more will come of it. You've had a taste today of what it would feel like if she ended up going out with someone else, so take the bull by the horns and ask her out. If she turns you down, you can pick yourself up and brush yourself off. However if you don't ask her out, you might waste countless years going 'what if?'.

tolosenc

Liam Byrne wrote: »

There's plenty of "uncomplicated" girls out there that you could have craic with and maybe get somewhere and see how it goes

Yeah, there are, but I want this one!

St Bill wrote: »

OP, maybe it was just a drunken New Year's snog and nothing more will come of it. You've had a taste today of what it would feel like if she ended up going out with someone else, so take the bull by the horns and ask her out. If she turns you down, you can pick yourself up and brush yourself off. However if you don't ask her out, you might waste countless years going 'what if?'.

You're totally right. It can only get better, eh?

Silverfish

In fairness now, there's enough people of the opinion that flirting is harmless and not indicative of actual interest, so perhaps thats all she thought it was?
She's not psychic, she probably assumed you were just flirting and thats all.

It may even be the case she just sees you as just a friend, but if you were to actually declare an interest, there may be a flash of 'Oh hey wait...I do sortof like him....'

You'll just have to get it together and ask her out, not by playing games or flirting but with a bit of directness.
Its a shame your New Years was ruined, but if you're interested, you know what to do.

MizzLolly

Drop the game playing and strategies.. Why bother?

Speaking as a girl, that kind of rubbish wrecks my head. Once I see that a guy is playing games I freak out. Can't be bothered entertaining that sort of thing.

If you still like her you should be direct and tell her out straight. If she's as cool as you say she is, then she deserves to be treated like a person rather than a game!

DirkVoodoo

Dude,

similar thing happened me about two years ago. This girl i was in college with we both pursued similar postgrad courses so it was a few more years in each others company. I had liked her for a while, did nothing, even at a christmas party when she was sitting with an arm around me. I don't know why I didnt make a move, I'm not the most direct at the best of times but I guess in my head I had been building this up for so long that fear got the best of me and I got stage fright. Anyway, after that night her attitute changed and the next night out we went to messers, I told my friend that "right, tonight im gonna let her know" and when we get to the top floor she is there eating the face off another postgrad. I know the feeling, its like somone has told you you've won the lottery, then ripped up your ticket and punched you in the gut.

Ive thought about that night, and how it might have been different. But the fact is it played out the way it did, end of story. Life isnt about regrets and there are plenty of great and interesting girls out there. Focusing on one is a quick path to disappointment. She may have been a great girl, and the two of you may have been good together, but that ship has sailed and all you can do is realise that there are plenty of others out there. Once you start putting a halo on one girl its never going to work out. Unless of course you are going to marry her, in which case get an extra bright halo

LegacyUser

Aw OP, I know how you feel! Horrible feeling isn't it? Was at a house party with a bunch of friends a couple of years back, including this guy who I had a major, major crush on. We were great buds, pretty close as well like yourself and your girl. It just so happened that he scored a randomer towards the end of the night.....it was like I was there watching it in slow motion, like it was a bad dream! My stomach was in absolute bits, and I just walked out into the other room, probably looking like death warmed up, and tried carrying on as if nothing had happened! It put something of a damper on an otherwise great party

Chin up though OP, it'll hurt for a while but you'll be fine.

starchild

ask her out man
worst case scenario is she says no & things stay the same but you will be able to move on from it
right now in your head your in limbo
do it asap before she embarks on relationship with someone else

if you ask her i hope she says yes, best of luck

tolosenc

Just ran into her there while out for a walk. We grabbed a cup of coffee and this is how it went:

She said she was flattered that I liked her and said I was silly not to say something sooner as she had no idea. She says she knows exactly how I feel, as the shoes were on the other feet last year(!), when I disappeared from the party for a bit with someone. However, she wants to give this other lad a shot and said if it doesn't work out, maybe we could try something.

Then I said what I thought/knew I had to, but didn't want to. I told her that as much as I like her, I'm not prepared to be a backup or a rebound. She didn't like that. Should I have said it? I told her I wasn't giving her an ultimatum, but I wouldn't be played for a fool either, and to get back to me, but regardless of whatever she may say, us remaining such good friends is paramount.

Now I'm sitting here, phone in hand, waiting.

Did I just screw it up?

DirkVoodoo

In fairness, if she liked you that much she wouldn't have said that. It seems more like she is just glad that she has you as a safety net in case her actual interest doesnt work out. If she likes you that much and they has only just met this other person, she would be kicking him to touch and grabbing you while she can. I think you were right to say what you did and her "flattery" might have only extended as far as being glad to have so many guys interested in her.

Not worth the effort, move on my friend!

Papillon87

No, you were right to say it- and fair play for having the proverbials to do so!

I'd be extremely miffed if I'd had a similar conversation with someone I liked,. I mean, you have established that you both like each other. This other guy was a random guy she kissed (assuming this from above) whereas you two already have a strong relationship (friendship) with each other. She didn't like you saying that? The absolute cheek of her! No offence to the girl, but, eh, how did she think you felt being told she planned to keep you on the backburner if things went pear-shaped with the new boy.

Of course a person has free will and it's her own prerogative what she does with her life. If she decides to pursue something with you, good luck! If she starts seeing this guy but expects you to be there to fall back on.......show her that you meant what you said.

Papillon87

DirkVoodoo wrote: »

In fairness, if she liked you that much she wouldn't have said that. It seems more like she is just glad that she has you as a safety net in case her actual interest doesnt work out. If she likes you that much and they has only just met this other person, she would be kicking him to touch and grabbing you while she can. I think you were right to say what you did and her "flattery" might have only extended as far as being glad to have so many guys interested in her.

Not worth the effort, move on my friend!

That's what I meant to say. In a roundabout, less concise way! Very inarticulate today! If she was as into you as you are with her, she wouldn't be considering some guy she's just met.

LegacyUser

Ok, this is just my humble opinion but no, I don't think you screwed it up... but there's no accounting for how she'll react of course. If a guy said that to me, I'd be impressed with his balls to be honest (don't snigger, you know what I mean :P), and I would really respect the fact that he wasn't prepared to settle. I'm a bit older than you guys though so...

Listen, even if she's a bit put out by what you said - isn't it better to know whether she's willing to let her chance with you go for some randomer? I'd be able to sleep a lot better at night knowing I at least stood my ground and didn't settle for being second best... you'll always have a gnawing feeling of not being quite good enough if you back down and wait for it to go pear shaped with this other lad.

Again, just my opinion, but I feel like the odds are in your favour because she's had a thing for you before. Hope that's the case, fingers crossed for you

MizzLolly

obl wrote: »

Did I just screw it up?

Nope, well done.

She's way out of line to expect you to wait around while she makes her mind up. Forget her, she sounds like a bit of a muppet.

Lucky escape

tolosenc

MizzLolly wrote: »

She's way out of line to expect you to wait around while she makes her mind up. Forget her, she sounds like a bit of a muppet.

But thing is, my head says that no good would come from hanging around (ie get my hopes up/get walked all over if anything happens), but my heart is plenty happy to sit and wait for a bit. And she's not a muppet, just confused, and I think a little shocked by what I said.

Good news is, only a few weeks left of being a teenager, so then I can forget all of this kind of crap. :rolleyes:

TouchingVirus

obl wrote: »

Good news is, only a few weeks left of being a teenager, so then I can forget all of this kind of crap.

Hilarious OP..welcome to life Usually when this happens to me it's friendzone central, population = me. I never get even so much as a whiff of it ever being anything more, unrequited like/love sucks

You were spot on telling her you don't want to be the backup guy, you spoke from the heart on that one. And if you're content sitting around for a short time to see what happens while she sorts her head out then go right ahead and do it.

But if I were you and things started to take off between her and this other guy then I'd certainly not be missing sleep over it, nor would I miss a chance with another girl

JC 2K3

In the PUA community, the advice that'd be given in a situation like this would be "GFTOW", or "Go fúck ten other women", and then see if you feel the same about this girl.

While this is rather crude and blunt, and while I take most PUA teachings with a grain of salt, it contains truth. Not that you should literally go and sleep with ten other women, but rather that the chances are this girl isn't "the one", the ultimate key to your happiness. Stop idolising her. Don't wait around for her to maybe give you a chance when she's done with this guy. Take her off that pedestal and start appreciating other girls more.

MizzLolly

obl wrote: »

Good news is, only a few weeks left of being a teenager, so then I can forget all of this kind of crap. :rolleyes:

You'd think that, wouldn't you?! :P

Well, I do understand how you feel. You know you shouldn't wait but you do want to hold out in case she changes her mind. Honestly, I think you should leave it. Something I learned very recently is, if both sides aren't willing to make an effort, it's pointless. Why should you wait for her while she's messing around with this other guy? Nobody is worth belittling yourself like that for.

If she's not prepared to show you any respect now, she wont do it if you do get into a relationship with her. I'm young aswell obl, probably the same age as you. I think you're too young to hang around as some girl's security net in case this other randomer ditches her. You can do better than that!

Kold

Whut's the PUA community?

tolosenc

Pick-up artist.

Liam Byrne

Re your "plenty of uncomplicated girls out there" comment, you said

obl wrote: »

Yeah, there are, but I want this one!

Now you're confusing me, because you said earlier:

obl wrote: »

I know you think girls are complicated, but she's in a league of her own.

i.e. she's not just "averagely" complicated, but registers at 12 on a scale of 1 - 10 of "complicatedness".

I'm not being cruel; been there, wanted (and initially had) something, and then had to deal with the same thing - head-wrecking, second-guessing complicated-ness and downright disrespect and rudeness.

Took me a LONG time for me to believe my own eyes and ears and what people had told me.....and when the penny dropped and I went "feck this, I deserve better" the relief was great.....and the following few months were great too!

tolosenc

What I meant is that I don't care how complicated and unpredictable she is.

We're still good mates, and that's I can't just turn around and say "**** that bitch". But yeah...

I'm not saying anything to her, but she has till Sunday week to make up her mind. As much as I may not want to, I have to let go sooner rather than later.

LegacyUser

Yea, you didnt mess up at all. If someone said to me i want to see how it goes with this lad and if it doesnt work out then we can try something, id probably laugh in her face!! If you had of said fine then you were already on the road to being a walk over so good for you for having some balls. If she was that into you she would'nt of had to make a choice. At least this way you have given her something to think about. I'd forget about her, stay friends by all means but get out there and find someone else, you will soon wonder why you were even that crazy about her I promise.

Liam Byrne

obl wrote: »

What I meant is that I don't care how complicated and unpredictable she is.

Like I said, been there. And while it's one thing coping with (or trying to cope with) unpredictability, it's quite another when you get **** for thanks and get abused (verbally, mentally and emotionally). If you're into someone and there's some good bits, it can paper over cracks, but there should be a lot more good bits than bad bits to make something worthwhile.

There should also be respect, consistency and "sound-ness", not weirdness and unpredictability.

If her friends rate her as THAT complicated (and that's what stood out to me, having been there and ignored that) then for a while you'll make excuses and say she's worth it, but overall and in the long term just be careful - it can be far too draining and you'd eventually realise that it takes two to be interested enough to make a go of something, rather than someone who's into it one minute and the opposite the next....