Wife has been unfaithful

LegacyUser

I am married over 7 years and we have children. My wife has always been a flirt which I was ok with as this is the person I met and fell in love with.

She has always attracted men and she does like the attention.I am confident myself and had no reason not to trust her.But in the last couple of month's she told me she kisses other guys sometimes after I asked her .She has said she has never gone any further and I do believe her.She says she just like the excitement and does not think it is that big of a deal.She would go out and not come back until about 4am.

I feel such a thick as I did not question her any time as I thought there was no need to.She can get really drunk and would stand out in a pub and the drink would just highlight this more.It has happened about 8 times she says and one time was with a guy she works with and the other a friend of her brother.First thing I thought I could deal with this as I thought they where one of guys she met. Now the guy she works with is no longer working with her and her brother's mate lives abroad.

As I said to her I had more than ample chance's to be with other women but I would flirt have the crack but I never ever kissed another because I was in love and married and wanted to be faithful.I should have said that I sensed and knew about her brother's mate just a feeling and she knew I knew,this was around xmas 2007 when she went away for the weekend with them.What a complete thick I was to be so naive.

One night I did go out after that xmas about 4 months later and I did kiss a girl.I told my wife this and why I did it this was once and once only.The problem is I need to know when she started playing around like this and when was the last time.I really need to know all the times she did it.She says sorry but it is not like I slept with anybody.I need to know why aswell and she just says excitement.I feel for us to have any chance she needs to tell me the truth as I keep questioning myself was it that night she went out,the night she went on a hen etc.

I thought we had something special and feel that the last 7 years have been a lie. She does not want to go through each occasion it happened but I feel I need it to help me get closure.If we had no kids I would tell her to **** off for good.But I am prepared to try again I have told I have no issue her going out without me but I feel she needs to be home around the 1 am mark.To this she says the night is only starting.To me this is the point you should now go home as you are less likely to go astray.If she was only tipsy she is fine but when drunk anything can happened as I have found out.

Am I been unreasonable?. I can play the same game as her I told her but I don't want a loveless marriage and my kids deserve better.When I get drunk I say very nasty things to her and this is not the person I want to be. I feel she has changed me forever and sometimes I have so much hatred for her where once all I had nothing but love.She has taken something special away from me .

MagicMarker

That's a tough one man.

Has she told you she will stop doing this? It seems like she thinks there is nothing wrong with her actions. If you really do want to stay with her then you need to tell her how much you disapprove, that you need reassurance that she will not do it again.

To be honest, it sounds like your marriage is over, if you didn't have kids do you think she would still be around? People in love don't run off kissing random blokes for a bit of ''excitement'', and when found out they don't justify it by saying ''it's not like I slept with them''.

If it happened once and she was remorseful then yeah, you could probably forget about it. But she just didn't give a shít, do you really want to be with someone who would treat you like that? You can still be a father to your kids without being with their mother.

Blackwall

Hi Op

Sounds like your wife isn't suited to being married, to me it sounds like she still wants to be young free and single and it hasn't dawned on her that she's actually married..she shouldn't be doing what she is kissin other guys going out till all hours all the time.
I'd set some strict new ground rules for her if she wants to stay with you ! otherwise you gotta get shot of her as she'll only bring you more heartache than she's already causing and focus on your children

I know I wouldn't have my wife going out kissing other blokes and thinking that there's no harm in it cause she " hasn't slept with anyone or anything like that " as your wife says to you,no way !!

CeilingCat

You are obviously not ok withthis - over time that will build and real resentment could grow between you and your wife.... and that will affect your children. No matter how hard parents try to keep a brave face on things, children can sense when something's amiss, trust me.

You need to address this for your kids' sakes - you're their role models.
I think your wife needs to grow up and remember that she made a commitment to you - 'forsaking all others'?

Dizzyblonde

My heart goes out to you, your wife is humiliating you by behaving like this. She sounds very immature and lacking in respect for you.
If you can get her to promise it will never happen again, then it would be worth having relationship counselling to see if you can salvage your marriage. If she won't then I'm afraid ultimately separation is better for the children than being caught up in a bad marriage. Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP, your wife sounds like an absolutely horrible, vile, disgustingly selfish person. Not for kissing other men, but fr her total lack of respect for you and her disregard for your feelings. You can not contemplate staying with a woman who would treat you like this, for reasons of pride, self-respect, mental health, happiness and all-around well-being.

Leave her now. In ten years time you will probably look back at this stage of your life and thank your lucky stars that you did the difficult thing and ended an unhappy marriage. You will go through a lot of pain and it won't be easy. But I would reccommend you move on.

Cheating 8 times is unforgiveable. And yes, kissing is cheating in my eyes. Maybe some people would be happy to settle for a partner that kisses others. But I wouldn't. No one has to settle for that type of person if they do not want to.

LegacyUser

That your wife can even tell you that she's done this is a bit suprisining for me. Perhaps she's almost giving you the option to get out or perhaps she's guilty about it.

I think its not so bad though. Obviously its bad and all but being drunk etc these things happen. I myself have cheated (with sex) about 10 times in the last 6 years on my wife. I feel guilty as hell but I love my wife and can't live without her, its just I need the variety sometimes. Maybe just the same here.

Silverfish

Unregistered wrote: »

That your wife can even tell you that she's done this is a bit suprisining for me. Perhaps she's almost giving you the option to get out or perhaps she's guilty about it.

I think its not so bad though. Obviously its bad and all but being drunk etc these things happen. I myself have cheated (with sex) about 10 times in the last 6 years on my wife. I feel guilty as hell but I love my wife and can't live without her, its just I need the variety sometimes. Maybe just the same here.

Its still wrong.

If someone wants to be married to someone who won't kiss other people, then why should they stay married to someone who does, just because 'Ah sure, it could be worse!'

If someone wants certain standards in a relationship, they're entitled to expect them. If not, they can end it and find someone more suitable. Cheating and lying about it is just pretending to the other person that you're someone you're not.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I went through something similar in my marriage,and after a few years I decided to leave.
Because there were children involved I gave it another chance,for several more years in fact.
My OH would do what you describe after drinking, but you know what I found out years later that OH was doing it sober as well. Your wife knows full well what she is doing, the alcohol excuse is a smokescreen....she's good alright and has you right where she wants you!
It is a tough decision to make especially with kids..I feel for you it's a nightmare TBH.
All I can say is that now I have got rid of OH,( he still sees the kids), the kids have much much more respect for me.
As young as some of my kids are they knew what was going on...I was appalled they knew so much,but kids are very sharp and take it all in..you can't really protect them from it.
I have more respect for myself, I am way happier without the OH and my kids are fine.
You have to demand respect from your wife, she's married for ffs.
If she won't give it to you then don't be like me and stay "doormat" for years for the kids' sakes.

fortuneteller

I agree with everything that last person said.It wont end,Save your sanity and let her off,The world might not be such a rosy place as a seperated mother,when she has caused the break up!

LegacyUser

I know I have to give it another try as I believe she does love me. She has said that she will not do it again and she knows she will have to earn my trust again.I explained to her that I to come in contact with the opposite sex and I have ever gone any further than a chat even though I may have wanted to and the chance was there.I think most people think about it but to actually do it it takes a person who craves something else. In regards to the kids I need to live with my kids as this is want to do and it is my right.|I know guys who have split up with wife and their wife's have made it really hard for them to see their own kids.I know one man who went over 4 months not seeing his kids.The kids don't see any of this so far but if we get back on the right road then all said and done.We are going to start again and fight really hard for our marriage ,other people have got stronger after affairs in their marriage etc so I feel why not us. I do still love her and maybe I am partly to blame for losing interest in her ,we started to take each other for granted.She has said sorry and wants to make a real go of it.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

I know I have to give it another try as I believe she does love me. She has said that she will not do it again and she knows she will have to earn my trust again.I explained to her that I to come in contact with the opposite sex and I have ever gone any further than a chat even though I may have wanted to and the chance was there.I think most people think about it but to actually do it it takes a person who craves something else. In regards to the kids I need to live with my kids as this is want to do and it is my right.|I know guys who have split up with wife and their wife's have made it really hard for them to see their own kids.I know one man who went over 4 months not seeing his kids.The kids don't see any of this so far but if we get back on the right road then all said and done.We are going to start again and fight really hard for our marriage ,other people have got stronger after affairs in their marriage etc so I feel why not us. I do still love her and maybe I am partly to blame for losing interest in her ,we started to take each other for granted.She has said sorry and wants to make a real go of it.

If you feel that you need to give it another go, then good luck to you. But ffs, don't start making excuses for her, that's just sad and pathetic!

She didn't just go out and have a drunken kiss, she went out and purposely hooked up with random guys while you were babysitting with absolutely no second thought. Have you sat down and thought about what happened with each of those guys? Just a kiss? Do you really believe that? What reason do you have to believe it didn't go any further?

Of course she's sorry, what else is she going to say? You go ahead and do what need to do, just don't bury your head in the sand!

LegacyUser

Hi OP..(I posted above about my ex)

I admire what you are trying to do,and wish you all the best with it.
Have you thought about counselling with your wife? IMHO until all the issues about cheating are resolved then you will have a very difficult time..not saying this to be negative just my experience has taught me that.
As for giving her attention that is very important,and anyone I know who has stayed together they have not neglected this. I think there are a lot of myths about women and one of them is that they are less sexual as they get older...in fact the reverse is true!
Hope you can both work out together...all the best

CDfm

It depends what you want.

Clearly you dont want this to continue but you may want the marriage or family to continue.

So if I were you I would go to a GP and probable see a councellor to make a decision.

In the meanwhile though - why dont you ask her to agree to stay in and stop this behavior. Does she do this when she is drunk or does she have a drugg problem?

Ultimately you need to speak to someone - try www.amen.ie a helpline for abused me

But use your GP if you get on with them as well.

MagicMarker

CDfm wrote: »

It depends what you want.

Clearly you dont want this to continue but you may want the marriage or family to continue.

So if I were you I would go to a GP and probable see a councellor to make a decision.

In the meanwhile though - why dont you ask her to agree to stay in and stop this behavior. Does she do this when she is drunk or does she have a drugg problem?

Ultimately you need to speak to someone - try www.amen.ie a helpline for abused me

But use your GP if you get on with them as well.

Amen is for victims of domestic abuse. I didn't think you needed a referral from a GP for marriage counseling?

metrovelvet

I never considered adultery [if this even constiutes adultery] as a form of abuse. Interesting, I suppose it could be.

You dont need to see a GP to see a marriage counsellor.

CDfm

MagicMarker wrote: »

Amen is for victims of domestic abuse. I didn't think you needed a referral from a GP for marriage counseling?

Its only a suggestion.I am not suggesting that it is abuse only saying where else can he go for help and get seen straight away.

Besides there is no other male helpline.

The OP says it happens when his wife is drunk -so there may be a drink issue she needs help with. So you need your GP for this.

Councellors are not regulated in Ireland -anyone can set up -so its best to get a referal.

THe OP also should know where he stands if the marriage does break down or things get worse.

The OP may want to save his relationship.

I genuinely wish you well and hope the outcome is what you want and brings you happiness.

Stheno

CDfm wrote: »

Its only a suggestion.I am not suggesting that it is abuse only saying where else can he go for help and get seen straight away.

Besides there is no other male helpline.

The OP says it happens when his wife is drunk -so there may be a drink issue she needs help with. So you need your GP for this.

Al Anon may also be able to offer the OP some advice if he feels that the drinking is a fundamental part of his wife's infidelity.