Mother in law

Trinity

Sorry this is not a very serious issue but to be honest its getting on my nerves and i would very much value someone elses opinion, even if its to tell me to mind my own business.

My OHs mother is a nice lady, i always got on with her, in fact would even say i was close until recently. I always thought myself lucky we got on so well. However her behaviour lately is unreal.

The most recent example, she hasnt spoken to my OH since Friday, why? Cos he left work early.

I kid you not. She rang him in work and when he said i'm leaving early, She started going on at him about his job and then hung up the phone on him. Hasn't text to see how the kids were, nothing. He text her yesterday and he got a one word reply. I havent heard from her either.

There is also no doubt that if i didnt talk to my OH for the guts of a week over something so stupid i'd be told to cop on or end the relationship. By her!!

Hes an only child and this is not the first time, shes always hanging up on him.Turning off her phone. Then she wont budge til he gives in.

I've just said to him there shes more like a high maintenance gf than a mother.

I'm so tempted to ring her and tell her its stupid carry on, that if he was killed in a car crash tomorrow she would never forgive herself over something so petty but its not my place. Hes just text her now, no doubt shes grinning like a cheshire cat. She won again. Is this normal between mother and son?

I know it shouldnt bother me but it does tbh, she used to ring me 6 times a day and i was always courteous etc even when it was a bad time but shes gone the opposite now i'm lucky to get a text once a month. I dont think its fair on the OH either being dicatated to at his age, we have kids ffs.

Any advice/opinions?

00112984

Honestly, I'd keep out of it if I were you. I know it's frustrating but it's between him and his mother, not you. I'm married to an only child too so I can see where you're coming from.

From my point of view, I'm perfectly happy to whinge about my own family but if my husband did it, I'd forget my gripe with my family member and focus on the fact that my husband is criticising them and that would just cause a whole new issue.

Like I said, it's fristrating but keep out of it. They've had tiffs before you came along, I'm sure, and got those sorted without your imput. Your OH has enough on his plate besides seeing you barge in with a phonecall and starting up a whole new problem with your MIL.

Mothers-in-law are best kept on a very civil basis. Smile, nod and remember that you'll get your revenge when you help pick out her nursing home.

Trinity

00112984 wrote: »

Honestly, I'd keep out of it if I were you. I know it's frustrating but it's between him and his mother, not you. I'm married to an only child too so I can see where you're coming from.

From my point of view, I'm perfectly happy to whinge about my own family but if my husband did it, I'd forget my gripe with my family member and focus on the fact that my husband is criticising them and that would just cause a whole new issue.

Like I said, it's fristrating but keep out of it. They've had tiffs before you came along, I'm sure, and got those sorted without your imput. Your OH has enough on his plate besides seeing you barge in with a phonecall and starting up a whole new problem with your MIL.

Mothers-in-law are best kept on a very civil basis. Smile, nod and remember that you'll get your revenge when you help pick out her nursing home.

I'm more bothered by it than him. He must be used to it. It just saddens me that so much going on in the world, and so many people missing their family members no longer with them particularly this time of year, and yet people are falling out over stupid things.

She really should mind her own business, hes not 12. He had this arrangement made already as he was working all christmas week.

But for the moment i'll mind my own business anyway, thanks!

themadchef

Remember, he's her son. She raised him. He's her only son. She will hold on to those reigns for dear life if he lets her.

It's up to him to grow a set of balls and tell her to stop involving herself in his business. You cannot get involved. This is between a son and his mother.

I know you want to have a close relationship with her. She needs to learn about boundaries, you need to stop letting it bother you.

When this row is over, they will make up and you only the harsh words you said will be remembered by both of them. Don't give in to it. Rise above, tough as it is....bite that tongue till it almost bleeds if you have to and see how that works for a few months

Hagar

Ignore her, she'll cave in eventually, you can go longer without her than she can go without access to her grandchildren. In the meantime enjoy the space you have without the "six calls a day".

Trinity

Well they seem to be sorting it now. He said are you not talking to me and she replied yes but you annoyed me saying you were leaving early you could get into trouble its for your own good.

So all i said to my OH was well she has a point, i said the same, dont get yourself in trouble, however as you are a grown man that not talking to you for a week cos you dont do what your told just doesnt work anymore, hes 30 not 13. Shes entitled to her opinion but "punishing' him with silence is disgraceful imho.

Thanks again anyway folks. I'll leave them to it. She wil probably phone me later now as i am sure she thinks it was me asking him to leave early as i did before when i was sick and it didnt go down too well with either of them.

az2wp0sye65487

Next time she does this, call her and tell her that her son has been invloved in a serious accident. See how she reacts. Then tell her to remember that feeling the next time she thinks about ignoring him!

Trinity

Frank Loose Walkie-talkie wrote: »

Next time she does this, call her and tell her that her son has been invloved in a serious accident. See how she reacts. Then tell her to remember that feeling the next time she thinks about ignoring him!

Jesus thats cruel :eek::D

Seriously though it could happen, lifes too short for this crap.

Save it up for something worth getting into a flap over woman

Dizzyblonde

It sounds as though she has invested everything in her one child and now he's grown up and has his own family, she's lost her purpose in life. It's sad really, maybe you could encourage her to join a group or do voluntary work?
Also it wouldn't do any harm for your OH to remind her that he's a adult now (and he doesn't need to tell her so much of his business either). I agree that you should stay out of it when there's a snot on - you'd be the worst in the world.

Trinity

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

It sounds as though she has invested everything in her one child and now he's grown up and has his own family, she's lost her purpose in life. It's sad really, maybe you could encourage her to join a group or do voluntary work?
Also it wouldn't do any harm for your OH to remind her that he's a adult now (and he doesn't need to tell her so much of his business either). I agree that you should stay out of it when there's a snot on - you'd be the worst in the world.

Yes the empty nest syndrome, my mother got this bad when we left

I had a huge reply typed out but my OH wouldnt be happy if he saw it. SHould've gone unregged

Dizzyblonde

Well don't worry, you haven't been unkind or rude about your mother-in-law, you just wanted to get opinions. Don't feel bad

Craft25

Jung used to say that psychologically the story of the Hero going to fight the dragon represented the sons fight to free himself from his mother, before he can get the maiden (you)... typically he would get swallowed, then cut himself from the belly (womb)..

Why does he tell her when and where he is coming from work, why is he the one that has to text her back?? if he didnt go crawling to her trying to stop her ignoring him... eventually she would cave and contact him.. give her a taste of her own medicine i say

you should be the one pulling his strings not her!

MJOR

I guess she's just one of those women that cannot let go and because he is the only child its worse. I definately think staying out of it is a good idea, because mainly once everything is sorted your hubby and her will remember what you said or did. All you can do is be there for him if he is upset.

The_Conductor

Slightly different perspective on this.

Older people remember the recession of the 70s and 80s very plainly- and probably know the signs that are out there now. I get the third degree about making sure I don't do anything whatsoever to jeopardise my job- be that leaving work early, taking holidays, taking time-in-lieu of overtime etc. I keep getting how lucky I am to be in my job drilled into me- and how my siblings who were previously held up as the successful ones- a solicitor, a banker, an accountant etc- are all jealous of my job.........

If I start to suggest that my job was very unpopular and how I was derided for taking a salary cut when I took it- its like talking to a brick wall.

Its a generational thing I guess- older people are now a lot more worried than younger folk- and get frustrated when the fears that they try to project onto us simply in their opinion don't register with us..........

Trinity

smccarrick wrote: »

Slightly different perspective on this.

Older people remember the recession of the 70s and 80s very plainly- and probably know the signs that are out there now. I get the third degree about making sure I don't do anything whatsoever to jeopardise my job- be that leaving work early, taking holidays, taking time-in-lieu of overtime etc. I keep getting how lucky I am to be in my job drilled into me- and how my siblings who were previously held up as the successful ones- a solicitor, a banker, an accountant etc- are all jealous of my job.........

If I start to suggest that my job was very unpopular and how I was derided for taking a salary cut when I took it- its like talking to a brick wall.

Its a generational thing I guess- older people are now a lot more worried than younger folk- and get frustrated when the fears that they try to project onto us simply in their opinion don't register with us..........

Oh absolutely i understand her fears and it is us, meaning myself and the children that suffer should he lose the job, he should be hanging onto it for dear life and i never argued her point. Just her way of going about things and being so stubborn.

SHes texting him non stop all day now that hes made the first move :rolleyes:

Dizzyblonde

It sounds as though she's looking for a bit of attention from him - she's not sure if he still loves her. Maybe he should have the odd lunch out with her or something?

This is a cautionary tale for us all - who knows what way we'll react to an empty nest? My kids are grown but so far I'm fine at letting them live their lives without interfering.......I hope it lasts :eek:

Trinity

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

It sounds as though she's looking for a bit of attention from him - she's not sure if he still loves her. Maybe he should have the odd lunch out with her or something?

This is a cautionary tale for us all - who knows what way we'll react to an empty nest? My kids are grown but so far I'm fine at letting them live their lives without interfering.......I hope it lasts :eek:

I have 2 boys and i can tell you now i am going to be the mother in law from hell. I wont let them out of my sight now, ok they are only 8 yrs and 15 months but i am over protective, possessive, obsessive about my boys so i pity the girl (or boy, ya never know ) that tries to take my boys away.

Norman Bates springs to mind

The stuff i had typed earlier was just saying that she doesnt go out. She "does not be well", yet doctors and specialists over a 2 year period can find nothing wrong with her.

She eats takeaways then complains of her stomach, then does it again the next day.

We are rarely invited over and she has only been here twice in 18 months. She came to the christening a few weeks ago and not a bother on her milling the cakes and sambos and was the last to leave. I have asked my OH to talk to her about her life being wasted but she is convinced there is something medically wrong with her.

I can sympathise as i suffer from anxiety myself but shes not getting to see her only grandson very often, in fact probably less than 10 times and he is 15 months old.

I have told her again and again she does not need an invitation just to come over.

Her husband is in his 60's and still doing manual labour, sometimes not getting home til 10pm and he brings her tea in bed etc, does the shopping, takes her to the hospital etc (emergency room). Its not a nice existance for either of them but how can you help someone that doesnt want it?

MJOR

ah that is good

Dizzyblonde

Trinity1 wrote: »

but how can you help someone that doesnt want it?

That's the thing - you can't, unfortunately. It actually sounds quite complicated, and you might just be better off developing a coping mechanism rather than trying to change things. She's losing out though, you could have been like a daughter to her and she's missing out on the grandchildren too.

Don't worry about being the mother-in-law from hell, by the time your boys are grown you'll get used to giving them space . When you feel you've done all you can to prepare them for the world just grit your teeth and remind yourself you're not in charge of their destiny . (Plus, my secret weapon was to never seem shockable so my daughters were always very open with me )