How do you know if someone is right for you?

LegacyUser · 31-12-2008 2:42am #1

The title says it all. Any advice would be great. Have been in an on-off relationship for a long time, has been on-off because am not sure if it's right for long-term. Thanks.

seahorse · 31-12-2008 12:35pm

The only way I've ever known for sure (and this has only happened twice so far in my lifetime) is when I didn't have to ask myself. No questions were necessary; I just knew.

LegacyUser · 31-12-2008 1:05pm

Hi there OP,

I would say that it depends on why it is sometimes "off " between you both. If it's something that neither of ye can control like you live too far away or one of you is moving abroad then yes maybe you could work out if you solved it by moving for example.
If it's something like one person has serious issues like alcohol, drugs or anger problems then I would say don't waste your life...move on.
If it's something like one person is too clingy or needy then that can be resolved with some work.
We need a bit more info to really help though ok?

Azureus · 31-12-2008 1:54pm

if you dont know if its right, then its not.
simple really.

Wibbs · 31-12-2008 2:07pm

seahorse wrote: »

The only way I've ever known for sure (and this has only happened twice so far in my lifetime) is when I didn't have to ask myself. No questions were necessary; I just knew.

Exactly the same for me. I've also been in love just twice, with well over a decade between them and even though they both went south for various reasons I never doubted they were right for me or that I loved them and they loved me right up to the end. If you think somethings missing, there is. Now that something could be on your emotional side. Usually is, but there is something missing. You have to figure out what and you ahve to figure out if you can get past that.

SarahJ · 31-12-2008 2:20pm

Its different for everyone, so it's not really a question anyone can answer for you I'm afraid, you kinda just know. For instance, I know my boyfriend is right for me, just purely for all the stupid things we do and say together

Flamed Diving · 31-12-2008 2:30pm

I like this dialogue from the movie 'A Beautiful Mind':

Nash: Alicia, does our relationship warrant long-term commitment? I need proof, some kind of verifiable, empirical data.

Alicia: I'm sorry, just give me a moment to redefine my girlish notions of romance.
A proof. Verifiable data. All right, how big is the universe?

Nash: Infinite.

Alicia: How do you know?

Nash: I know because all the data indicates that it's infinite.

Alicia: But it hasn't been proven yet. You haven't seen it.

Nash: No.

Alicia: Then how do you know for sure?

Nash: I don't. I just believe it.

Alicia: It's the same with love, I guess...

LegacyUser · 31-12-2008 2:56pm

For me it hasn't always been as simple as 'you just know'.

In the past I've been with various people for a few months, nothing special, and then BOOM - madly in love! And even then its an ongoing process.

Snowie · 31-12-2008 3:49pm

i was in a reletionship like that before......

it resulted in me douting the vry person i was , becomeing hugly critical about everything i did say..... I ended up with depression which i belaev wasnt caused bye it but induced it.....

that was 5 years ago...

we were not compatablie il say her more then any one was the uncompatible one as she saw how good my life was and **** her's was and spoiled it im only now begining to pick up the peace's

if it doesnt work the first time it rarely ever does work....

go your seprate ways with what ever self esteam you have because it sole distroying to put your self through it....

NoQuarter · 31-12-2008 4:03pm

going through it right now, broke up with the g/f of 3 years + two weeks ago due to the fact that i wasnt sure she was the right person for me!

not a bad thing to say about the girl which makes it so much harder, oh well, 12 o clock tonight should be fun

31-12-2008 4:07pm

Unregistered wrote: »

The title says it all. Any advice would be great. Have been in an on-off relationship for a long time, has been on-off because am not sure if it's right for long-term. Thanks.

Rule of thumb is usually if you have to ask-then No they are not "the one".

Obviously you need to be going out with them for a while before you apply that rule

Vengeance · 31-12-2008 4:18pm

Removing all notions of 'true love' for a second and focusing on logic:

The person that is right for you can change. That person can also change over time to become the right person for you. It is what both you and they need at a particular time, a period of time, or infinite time that will hold you together.

I'm not sure if I believe in 'the one'. I believe I have fallen in love once, and I'm still in love with her. To my knowledge she is still in love with me. That doesn't neccessarily mean it will be that way forever.

There are only two considerations I take before going into a relationship with real commitment:

1. Does this person excite, stimulate, and make me feel like there's noone else I could quite have this connection with?
2. Do they feel that way about me?

You can't break these things down. I'm giving my theory on it based on my own anecdotal evidence and my own way of thinking. But there is a bit more to it than just the above.

That said, what is above is what works for me, in a backwards-rationalisation way!

smares · 31-12-2008 4:29pm

If you have to start asking yourself questions then it's probably not right. Its only you that can really know and try make your decision because if its on-off at some stage one of you will get fed up with it and that could be it which may not be what you want

LegacyUser · 31-12-2008 9:20pm

Thanks for all the replies. It's a tough time of year for all this! It's off at the moment and I feel I should know if he's right for me or not by now because I know him a long time but there have been a few things in the way, a few issues. He has had enough of me not knowing.

RiverWilde · 31-12-2008 10:13pm

This isn't something that anyone can answer for you. To my mind you just 'know.' I've been married nearly 11 years - I've been with my wife for nearly 14 years. When I met her, I just knew she was the one for me.

As unhelpful as it sounds, you'll 'know' if he's right for you.

Riv

LegacyUser · 31-12-2008 10:13pm

What are the issues that have been in the way?

CathyMoran · 01-01-2009 12:24am

You have no doubts what so ever about the person - he is the thing that I am most certain about in my life and I love and trust him totally. I knew the moment I saw him but got scared for about 9 years about walking down the isle and then something clicked and I just wanted to be with him.

LegacyUser · 01-01-2009 12:50am

Unregistered wrote: »

there have been a few things in the way, a few issues.

What are the issues that have been getting in the way?

How do you know if someone is right for you?

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