How hard is breaking up?

thehamo

Just a general query really, how hard is breaking up? How long does it take to get over it, whats the worst and best parts? I know its not as black and white as i make it sound but just in general....

towel401

depends on a lot of things like how badly you are stuck in and if you have to deal with or look at the person after you break up.

RedXIV

Depends on the situation and whether your recieving or giving and amount of time spent together. oh and personality. So your going get a huge amount of conflicting views here. If it's not that long a relationship, you could be suprised and have a relatively easy one. if it's a long one, be prepared to avoid the OH for a while. But for god's sake do it in person, as the receipt of a breakup over text, phonecall and a letter, believe me it's far more enraging to recieve it that way

Pyr0

You answered you're own question. It's NEVER black and white. To some people it's the worst feeling in the world, to others they don't give a damn. Some people just get on with their lives regardless of how sad they feel while others mope around with a dark cloud over their head 24/7.

Good parts ? That all depends on what you wanted out of the break up (If it was your idea that is). Maybe you wanted to be free to go out on the p1ss and pull ? Are you happy with the results of that ? Some find relationships becoming dead weight making them unhappy more than happy, after a break up they feel the weight is lifted away, surely that'd be a good point for them.

Different strokes, different folks really !

towel401

RedXIV wrote: »

But for god's sake do it in person, as the receipt of a breakup over text, phonecall and a letter, believe me it's far more enraging to recieve it that way

ya but text is really the done thing now unfortunately. think of it as a sort of 'remote detonation'. the people who do it use fear of stalkers or getting a kicking, rape as an excuse not to do it in person but really it just boils down to cowardice. since the rise of Facebook no girl knows how to do confrontation in person anymore

banshee_bones

really does depend on the individuals oh and who was doing the breaking up and if it was down to drifting apart,personal issues or if theres a third party involved. . .

TouchingVirus

That's an incredibly hard question to answer generally. It really does depends on an incredible amount of things, some of which are specific to the people involved

If you do have to break up with somebody OP then I wish you the best of luck and hope it doesn't take either of you too long to get over it

thehamo

well if there was ever to be a breakup, I think the decent thing to do is do it in person.

Question 2. Is loving a person enough of a reason to stay in a relationship? Even though you are not happy? and you know how much it would break their heart?

towel401

thehamo wrote: »

Question 2. Is loving a person enough of a reason to stay in a relationship? Even though you are not happy? and you know how much it would break their heart?

only if you know the not being happy thing is temporary

RedXIV

well now we're in VERY tricky territory. you love her but you're not happy? do you know why? Also, if you want out, you want out thats fair enough but the presence of love would suggest at least an attempt to fix it?

thehamo

well there are a few reaons tbh....

but i think my biggest hurdle is that I cant bare to anybody hurt or upset because of my actions. It has always been a problem all through life and tbh its what has kept me in this relationship this long ( just a little under 2 years). It is especially harder when you care for the person......

unhappycamper

For the person breaking up it can be a hard time leading up to the at times difficult decision of going through with it. The who chose to break up usually then feels a sense of freedom and relief. I have be in both positions. Currently a 27 male who got dumped out of a 3 year relationship 4 months ago. I feel many things, sadness, regret, remorse, pain, anger, frustration, empty, you name it they all come flying at ya!

MagicMarker

Women who have been beaten by their husbands for 10 years would tell you that they ''love him''.

Women who are generally treated like dirt stay with their husbands because they ''love him''.

Of course this works both ways! But all you have to do if read over these forums and you'll come across people in relationships they shouldn't be in, all because of love.

As you can gather, I am of the opinion that no, love is not a good enough reason to be with someone.

Creamy Goodness

it depends on hundreds of different factors.

how long you're going out.
how sensitive is one of the party.
if the break is similar to a previous break up for one of the party.
severity of the problem that causes the break up.
how attached you have or your other half has gotten (ties into the length).

simply can't accurrately measure these kind of things tbh.

thehamo

its such a head melt. Really puts my head in a spin. She keeps asking do i see us getting married and moving in togeher, I keep saying no because at the moment, I truely dont! and I cant see it happening anytime soon.

Suppose it boils down to do I just go along for a few years and see if my feelings change or just stop it now?

Treora

Old wives tales say it takes half the time you were going out with the person to totally get over him/her. Science has since moved on and it is the neural bonds associated with oxytocin that bind ones mind to the previous cause of the endorphine creation.

The two basic psychological frames of thought are that pain has to be faced before one moves on and the other is to occupy the mind with novel stimuli, taking up world of warcraft for a month might be effective. Apparently physical contact (hug from a trusted person...) is very powerful for momentary oxytocin replacement, where as moderate to heavy exercise will provide general all day oxytocin (endorphine) substitutes.

The upside is that it usually saves one money, allows time to rebuild friendships that might have been taken for granted and also gives time over to focusing on one's career/studies.

The downside is that a negative feedback loop can easily arise unless the reason for the breakup is very strong or a shock & catalyst is introduced (a rebound, new work role, memorable holiday with friends). The loop causes depression and a general entropic affect on an emotional level as the brain tries to avoid the pain, which is derived from its own addiction to oxytocin or the bonds that it created during the formation of the relationship.

Q2. isn't that a metaphysical paradox!

If she is at a place where she wants to nest, rather than she wants you and nesting is secondary (which is not what it sounds like). Then you have probably answered your own question.

As for not hurting someone, well sometimes things cannot be avoided, it is a question of method over matter that makes a man.

Jane Doh!

Suppose it boils down to do I just go along for a few years and see if my feelings change or just stop it now?[/quote].

Breaking up is hard, the stronger the attachment (love) the harder it is to breakup. Sometimes its best for both parties. Hanging in there for a few more years may result in her getting what she wants and you MIGHT want it to in the end. But, it could also end up with you having wasted another two years of your lives that you can never get back. Trust me, I wasted 7 years and that is the biggest regret of my breakup.

metrovelvet

^ sorry I have to split a hair here. Love does not = attachment. You can have a very very strong bond with someone and not love them and the break up can be hard. You can love someone a lot and not have a strong bond or attachment made through time and it can be hard too, but for different reasons.

Hurt cannot be avoided. There is no reward without pain first.

pfishfood

Can i ask what is the reason for the unhappiness or is it just that you dont see a future? It seems too tricky to answer outright.

bogzilla

i got dumped about 3 months ago. i would like to consider myself a good catch etc but it just wasn't working out for us at the time.

i still think about her about 10 times a day. i still think we could have made it work and be a great couple and very happy together but she obviously thought otherwise.

tonight i had a great night for NYE and was genuinly the first night since i was dumped that i got my mojo back and chatted confidently and happily to a few girls.

everyone is different, everyone hurts differently.

but everyone moves on ... eventually

Jane Doh!

but everyone moves on ... eventually[/quote]

I hope thats true.....its two years on from my breakup and he still has'nt moved on. He will move on eventually......right?