Stuck between a rock and a hard place

LegacyUser

Early 20s, girl. I came out of a serious relationship 2 years ago. That really knocked me for six and since then I've gone through a few boyfriends, but it never feels right and so far all of them have left me. I'm inclined to just settle for a string of overlapping casual relationships now, but even they're falling apart on me. I always considered myself a demon in the sack, but now I just can't seem to care anymore. There's never any emotional aspect or component of trust and it's getting increasingly difficult to see the point. I dunno, I guess I just feel like the ground is almost done giving way in my life and I'm only barely keeping my footing.

I know I should stop and take a breather, but every time I do I just panic. If I don't have a man in my bed I completely fall apart. I hit the fags, the drink, can't concentrate or sleep and suffer panic attacks. So pit this against my morbid fear of getting hurt again and we've got a frying pan and a fire.

Bit of a rant more than anything else, but I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Liam Byrne

The word "overlapping" in the above post stands out and puts me off replying in any meaningful way, but I'll offer the following:

If I don't have a man in my bed I completely fall apart

The obvious question is WHY....you should be defined by YOU, not whether you're single. If you can't be with yourself then you can't be with anyone else.

I always considered myself a demon in the sack, but now I just can't seem to care anymore. There's never any emotional aspect or component of trust and it's getting increasingly difficult to see the point.

Ironically, the above sentence implies that you HAVE seen the point. I'm not preaching that whoever we're with should only be "the one" or any such nonsense, but at the very least it should be someone we like, trust & respect. For me, anyway, that's a BIG part of what makes sex fun......

If you like someone and have fun with them and care for them, you do things to make THEM happy, and get a kick out of seeing their reaction; if you don't give a **** about them, their reaction doesn't matter. Agreed ?

Now replace "things" with "sexual things", and you'll get where I'm coming from (no pun intended).

Serial monogamy or fun, casual things are fine, but in addition to the word "overlapping" above, the other (implied) word that stood out was "meaningless" / "pointless".

Stop judging yourself by whether there's someone beside you in bed, or by being a sex-kitten / demon in the sack, and start relaxing and being you.

And maybe THEN see how you click with someone in a meaningful (maybe short-term, but fun and meaningful) way....

Best of luck!

McGinty

Early 20s, girl. I came out of a serious relationship 2 years ago. That really knocked me for six and since then I've gone through a few boyfriends, but it never feels right and so far all of them have left me. I'm inclined to just settle for a string of overlapping casual relationships now, but even they're falling apart on me. I always considered myself a demon in the sack, but now I just can't seem to care anymore. There's never any emotional aspect or component of trust and it's getting increasingly difficult to see the point. I dunno, I guess I just feel like the ground is almost done giving way in my life and I'm only barely keeping my footing.

I know I should stop and take a breather, but every time I do I just panic. If I don't have a man in my bed I completely fall apart. I hit the fags, the drink, can't concentrate or sleep and suffer panic attacks. So pit this against my morbid fear of getting hurt again and we've got a frying pan and a fire.

Bit of a rant more than anything else, but I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Hi Op

Have you allowed yourself to grieve for your former relationship? Have you given yourself time out for that? Would I be right in asking / saying that when you don't have someone you feel empty but at the same time, there is an emptiness even when you are with someone. You sound like you are disconnecting from everything, and the casual sex is meaningless for you but at the same time they keep the panic at bay. You need to ask yourself what is it you are running away from? Maybe you have to let the panic in and see what comes out of it on the other side. Personally, I would suggest therapy because what you have described is some deep rooted stuff that a simple one line or advice cannot heal. Have you ever been single and celibate for a length of time? Do you have a relationship with yourself or when I say that, do you think what the hell is that Op on about? Maybe you need to find out who you are as a person, what are your good points, bad points, likes and dislikes. What do you want from life/ relationships / etc., you could use this panic as a way of healing you. It sounds nuts but in essence you will have to face it because the more you run and hide behind drink, fags, sex etc, the harder it will be, believe me I went through what you experienced and I am still working away at it because I ignored the signs for so long. The very best of luck to you Op.

Trinity

Went through very similar OP. Still learning but the common denominator in this is you. Even your casual relationships falling apart, but you have settled for casual, being someones fcuk buddy and thats all you will get.

Take some time out to reassess your life, your wants and needs and i think you will find you dont need someone in your bed, you want someone outside of it.

Casual encounters wont fill the void you are feeling, in fact it will make it bigger, because you will feel used and useless that you cant make them work when in fact you are pissing against the wind trying to make them work.

If you settle for less thats exactly what you will get.

neuro-praxis

You sound like a very intelligent, articulate and perceptive woman. All that good stuff obviously goes out the window when it comes to men. I'd say you're well aware of this.

There are reasons for your panicky behaviour. Do you have any close female friends, a good sister or mum? If yes, I would swear off men for a bit, confide in them and ask for their support. Then I'd go to see a good, compassionate therapist as soon as possible to chat through the reasons why you fall apart when not in a relationship. The friend/sister/mum can help with the fall-out.

You are putting yourself at risk emotionally and health-wise being with multiple men whom you don't trust. There's a way out of all this, and a day is coming when you can like yourself, and enjoy life without a man; you just have to go after it.

You're smart and probably very attractive, you have a lot going for you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself what you need to be ok. Good luck.

Gemini Sister

Hi OP.

I went through something similar in my twenties too after a longterm rel fell apart. In a way I think part of it was about finding myself again & a sexual identity - I'd missed out on alot by being in longterm rels at a young age.

I was also terribly lonely & bringing guys home relieved that temporarily. But then left an aweful vacuum behind that just makes you feel worse than you did to start with.

Sex isn't always about sex. Usually its about intimacy. When you're with an F buddy or a one nighter people tend to perform. Your acting the sex kitten or whatever. It lets you get away from who you are. Try instead to think of being 'real' with someone and that also involves all those awkward uncertain moments you won't experience as a drunk actor. You'll also have to give it the sex a break for awhile maybe. Withdrawing from male attention is not easy. But here's how: instead of shagging - flirt, lead 'em on, let yourself be CHASED, make yourself gorgeously unavailable and aloof, let your texting be rare and vague. You've grown out of sex kitten. Now its time to grow into ice princess. Change the persona you use and how you think about sex.
Ok, so its not very modern but the rewards are tenfold. Trust me

Aside from that... you will meet someone again and whether you sleep with him the first night or after sx months actually makes no difference if he's the right one. Its just about waiting and growing til you have real intimacy in your life again.