Need some perspective on broken up relationship

LegacyUser

It's a month now since I broke up with my ex-boyf and I kept delaying coming on here because I thought it would make sense to me the more it went on but i'm still so confused and so hurt.
I'd been with him a year and we had great relationship but first started having problems after a major row involving his mother, we broke up for a day but I thought we had got over it .. we talked about it. That was six months in to the relationship. He had suffered from depression a bit way way back when he broke up with a long term ex he had been with, and since then still is contrary a lot and negative and I'm a mostly positive person and I thought we balanced out well, he didn't get me down too much, I guess I did worry about him, but I loved him. We are both 26 by the way.
Anyway we had a few little rows and during our time together our exes came up every now and again, I have no problems talking about mine, but he wouldn't talk about this one ex that had left him so depressed.. he had cheated on her and she wouldn't take him back after it. Anyway because he completely couldn't talk about her I did ask him was he over her, he said he was but he never convinced me and I just couldn't believe him..i did ask him a few times during the year I guess.
Anyway a month before we broke up he went looking for my diary when he was in my room on his own, I had stupidly told him I had one but that I only wrote in it when I needed to vent and jokingly said 'so you wouldn;t want to read it when you and me fall out'. I never dreamed he'd go looking for it. So he found it and there were hurtful things in it, and again we broke up, he said he couldn't get past what he had read, and I was so consumed with how he felt that i ignored that I was angry he had gone behind my back and broken my trust. So again after a brief break-up we got back together again and we went on holiday a month later, just a week before we broke up. We again talked about the diary and I thought it was okay and that we were doing fine, but next thing we get back from our holiday and he started a fight and then says we're no longer good together...in a text message.. that was fine, he did try call me and then texted me after I didn't answer, and in the meantime,. I had been in the internet cafe... We had met on a dating website and I had a funny feeling that he was on it, and what do you know, he had been on it since that first fight in july...I think he went back off again as I contacted all the friends he had on the site and it looks like he had been mainly on it in november, a month up to when we broke up..He had given his phone number to one of them, and she said that she had only had a bit of small talk with him at this stage, plus he at least didn't go on any dates with any of them from what the ones I contacted said, but of course now I'm wondering did he actually cheat on me...
I confronted him about the messages online and he has denied everything.. he called me nuts and said he had been missing me and wanted me back but not after making up such stuff! i was so hurt, I did say 'you're not a man if you can't admit it' type comments and then he said that he was just a guy trying to get on and who had an abusive girlfriend! I loved this guy, too much maybe, and made the most effort to see him, was always there for him, always supported him and there he was at the very end saying that... it's even as hurtful as the stuff online behind my back..
I'm broken over it all.
The last thing in this but it's worth mentioning is that we had had a fight on the holiday we were both drunk and it came out again, I said you're not even over her, and he said back' my last ex never realised that, but you did'. Does this sum it up? Later on when we discussed it before we came back he denied saying that, said 'i wouldn't be so stupid to say that', said he loved me more than anything.
Any perspective please would be a great help.
Thanks

Karen_*

Well if he cheated on her then their relationship couldn't have been that great and he wasn't the best boyfriend in the world. He may well have regrets but since he wasn't a great boyfriend to you either then maybe you should stop being so broken over this? I know its horrible when things don't work out and very upsetting but you're going to drive yourself nuts going back over all that was said and done. It can't be fixed and it sounds like it was a bad relationship. It certainly was if he was still on the dating site. See he was planning to cheat again! I think you're better off without this one.

Trinity

Its very difficult to make sense of but basically hes negative, contrary, not over his ex, picks fights with you. Goes looking for your diary for "evidence", finds it, rows with you and in the meantime is on dating websites giving out his phone number?

Look, you have spent a year with him, you are gutted obviously. But this is way too much drama dont you think?

Hes obvioulsy a bit fcuked up over his ex and i could go into a psycho babble about how hes scared of getting hurt again etc but at the end of the day you are not his ex, this man is not ready for a proper grown up relationship and you are better off out of it, despite the fact it hurts now.

Dont you think you can do better, deserve better?

You may never make sense of the break up, you cant get into his head. All you can do is try get over things, move on as best you can and try not to blame yourself.

Gemini Sister

Yeah it sounds like you've had the misfortune to get involves with a headwrecker. There isn't much point in trying to make sense of any of his hurt feelings or whatever cause he doesn't understand them himself.
Don't bother tracking his internet stuff, you need to step away from his mess. You'll look back on this eventually and be glad you're out of it. But don't blame yourself meantime, he's made his (silly) choices.

Katgurl

please forget about this loser.



i know its hard because you feel entwined & you want him to love you for you so much. the fact of the matter is he probably put the ex through all the same drama.


I've been through it all, trying to reason it out, understand him, support him... its not worth it and what's more, he's doing it to control you.

the only thing that can make you see that unfortunately is time & distance.


Best of luck. I don't envy you.