I'm a married woman who had an affair.... please don't judge

LegacyUser

Hi,

Well I am married 8 years, got married when I was 21 to an older man. A few years ago we moved to Ireland as he wanted to come home and in the process I left behind all my family and friends, it got lonely living in the country. I have a tough job and would often come home to an empty house and it effected me. Well you can guess the rest single man up the road come down and we started talking. Well that was 3 years ago and since then he has become more of a friend and that was fine, I dont really want to cheat on my husband we care about each other and we get on very well he is my best friend but it was nice because I dont make friends easily and to have someone else to talk to made a difference. Well a friend of mine visited from England and began seeing him which made them both happy and I was happy for them. But his behaviour to me has since changed, It doesnt bother me that we dont see each other as much anymore and there is nothing more to this than friendship but he only calls me when he wants something, he doesnt return my calls, he never called me at xmas like he always would and to top it all never bought me a xmas present but wanted the receipt for his present so he could take it back and get something else. I wanted friendship and now it feels like he doesnt want that anymore what did I do wrong? I just feel like now I am back to being lonely and all I wanted was friendship and we talked and I thought thats what we were, any advice gratefully receieved

I'm very sorry but I'm not really sure what you are looking for here?
You need to make new friends, this man was your husband and you betrayed him, he has now found love and you have to accept this and move on. He owes you nothing I'm afraid.

Gemini Sister

I'm not following?


You had an affair with the single man friend up the road? You are still with your husband? The other guy doesn't show the same level of friendship anymore?

If this is the case you probably need to let him go and not expect so much from him. He has to move on to. He might be doing it in a cold fashion but maye he feels thats what he has to do. Sorry. Maybe focus on making new friends? Your post isn't clear as to whether you had affair with this guy or not? Eitherway i assume he has just given up expecting proper relationship from you, if that was something he wanted?
Are you still married?

oh, ok, I'm confused, so actually it's your boyfriend that you want attention from even though you're still married to your husband?

TerrorFirmer

I believe what she's trying to say is that she did originally have an affair with this man that ended, the relationship was relegated to friendship and now that he has a new woman, incidentally the OP's friend, on the scene, it's dwindled to almost nothing at all.

Nothing surprising there, he's doing the right and correct thing. Did you think he'd want the friend of his new girlfriend, with whom he had an affair, hanging around and presenting an ever potential threat to his new happiness?

Should have moved on a long time ago and now that he is you should do the same. There's a clear hint to be taken from these events. If you actually love your husband the way you say you do you wouldn't crave the friendship of your affairee and you never would have in the first instance. Outrageously disrespectful, and that's judging you on your post-affair actions not the affair itself.

mikemac

Deleted User wrote: »

oh, ok, I'm confused, so actually it's your boyfriend that you want attention from even though you're still married to your husband?

Yep, that's how I read it too.

Though I'm not sure what the OP is realy asking for advice on
Help with making new friends? Get a dog if you're lonely and looking for attention even

Karen_*

He's moved on OP and I know its hurtful but he's entitled to have a relationship with an unattached person.

LegacyUser

My advice to you is this...you say all you want from the affair partner(let's call him AP) is friendship,but in reality you are holding on to the affair. Maybe it's no longer physical but on your side it is still emotional. He is single and you are not,plain and simple no matter how you look at it. You can't really be close friends with an exLover at least not if they meant anything to you,and definitely not when both you and he are involved with other people. You see I think you are no longer involved in a deep sense with your husband, there is something missing from your relationship with him...it's not cos you moved here at all, I know this cos I was in love with someone and lived thousands of miles away from home...I didn't mind as long as I was with him and I come from a very close family too.

Let go of AP. If you ever cared for him let him go. Then go to counselling,first on your own and then with husband. Find out do you want to stay married to him,and if you don't then don't be afraid to call it quits and do it with dignity for you and him, leave the AP out of the marriage...it's not his marriage,and not his responsibilty at all.
Good luck with everything.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I just feel like now I am back to being lonely and all I wanted was friendship and we talked and I thought thats what we were

You were never friends, you were someone to shag. The affair is now over, he's moving on, you should too.
Take this time to look at why you did this to your husband in the first place. Work on what needs to be changed so you are happy in your marriage.
If you are lonely, do something about it. Get out and meet people, find something meaningful to do with your time.

Gemini Sister

It sounds like you're looking for the wrong things in the wrong places.

You had an affair not cause of passion but loneliness? Now you're looking for friendship from an ex lover?

Better try to solve the loneliness problem eslewhere. I'm sure with him hooking up with your friend it feels like you've lost out and you're back where you started. But you've chosen to stay with your husband?

You are still only about 29 yeah? You don't have to stay with him if the loneliness is so bad? Or you could make the effort and make genuine friendships outside your marraige. It will take time but can happen with effort.
But let the ex go.

themadchef

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont really want to cheat on my husband

But, if the right guy came along...?

Look, you're lonely. Having an affair will only lead to more heart ache for you. Your neighbour wanted different things from the affair than you did. You wanted company, someone to be close to, someone to share things with not just someone to have sex with. He, most likey wanted sex. You can't expect him not to move on. It was an affair. You are married.


You don't sound like youre in love with your husband. Yes, you care about him, best friend etc. To me it sounds like you feel trapped. Life is too short to live like this. No one knows what tomorrow may bring for any of us. Talk to your husband, let him know how lonely you are. Try to see each other more often and try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place

Kirnsy

Karen_* wrote: »

He's moved on OP and I know its hurtful but he's entitled to have a relationship with an unattached person.

touché :rolleyes:

i agree wholeheartedly. you were merely HIS bit on the side even though it should (probably) have been the other way round. he is being faithful to his gf and maybe feels guilty/uneasy about the way you two are/were so close.

i think you should be talking to your husband about this.