My husband has become mean.

LegacyUser

I need a place to vent.

My husband went through some personal upheaval, lasting a period of several years, during which he became very volatile, irrational, depressed and probably manic. He has gradually, over the last year and a half or so, crawled his way out of what was a very disturbed state of mind and is now well. There is a pronounced history of bipolar disorder in his family.

About a year ago, when he was still unwell, but increasingly open to reason, I first of all cautiously, then more insistently, asked him to see a psychiatrist. He had tried a number of other avenues (counselling and GP) with little improvement and I figured he needed proper diagnosis and medication to get through the crises. Close family members and friends who were aware of his state of mind agreed.

His response was to move out of our bedroom, move all his clothes out, forbid me from entering his new room, and set up his own bank account (previously we were joint).

He stopped giving me presents some years ago and doesn't acknowledge my birthday in any way, not even now when he is well.

He put an end to intimacy of any kind, but conversation is now affable enough and we do some things together.

He treats his parents with the same coldness as he treats me.

Sometimes I wonder - perhaps others might enlighten - whether men have a tendency to resort to emotional cruelty when they have lost interest in their womenfolk, as a conscious or sub-conscious means of shaking them off/breaking up the relationship.

I am saddened that he places no value on our relationship. I am also angry at his treatment of me - I deserve better. I am disappointed with God that he joined me to such a man. Surely there are murderers, criminals, and sociopaths with better relationships than mine? Is there no reward in this life for those who strive for the higher good?

And, no matter how I look at it, the future - romantically speaking - is bleak. There is only so much a person can take before the wound is too deep to ever properly heal.

There is very little I'm prepared to divulge in a public forum, so I've left a lot out. I supposed I'm just looking for somewhere to park my thoughts.

kmick

Without going to much into the detail of your post it seems from most rational perspectives your marriage is in serious trouble. I would personally move out (without telling him) and go to a safe place with your family or friends. You can get some perspective on your situation and perhaps open lines of communication to him that would not be available if you lived there. Tell him you want to work it out with some distance and see what the reaction is. Be very careful as mental illness and confrontation is not a good mix.

MagicMarker

I'm sorry, why exactly are you still with him?

Forget God, he/she didn't put you with this man and he/she isn't keeping you with this man, leave him now.

Trinity

You seem to know yourself that you deserve better and this is no way to live.

Are you devout, is that why you blame God, are you afraid to get a divorce due to your religion? I dont wish to undermine your faith, but there is no point hiding behind God here. You married him, you can leave him. Your destiny is in your own hands.

Its more of a sin to waste your life, to go on unhappy, unfulfilled, disrespected than to walk out the door and say i deserve better than this.

How do you think he would respond if you said you were leaving? Would he care? Perhaps try marriage counselling. Sounds like he could blame you, harbour some resentment for telling him he needs a psychiatrist, when all you did was look out for him.

Have you discussed with him how unhappy you are? Or do you just sit back and take it all and accept what he dishes out and the decisions he has made regarding your relationship?

AARRRGH

You need to break up with him and start living your life.

I don't understand why you are torturing yourself like this. Do you?

Dizzyblonde

From what you're written it sounds as though your marriage is over. Unless there's a lot of positives in what you've left out, there isn't much hope.
It does sound as though your husband is quite ill but living the way you are isn't going to help either of you.

Xiney

My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 14 years old - it's difficult for people who haven't been close to someone in a manic state to understand just how viciously cruel they can be. They have superhuman powers in emotional abuse.

That is to say, that I really do feel for what you have gone through and what you are continuing to endure.


From my own experiences, I can say the following points are likely:
Your husband probably (delusionally) thinks that you are the cruel one and that all his actions and words against you are perfectly justified.
He does not believe that he is ill. Even if he is treated, feels better, and returns to a normal life as long as he takes the pills, he will probably not believe that he needs them.
If your husband refuses to get proper help, your life will never improve to the point that it is pleasant.


I suggest that you separate from your husband while encouraging him to voluntarily enter an inpatient treatment facility. It was the only thing that ever helped my mother - she has been involuntarily committed twice. Other than that, she leaves a relatively normal life, and since the second stint in the psych ward from when she was taken off her medication by her arthritis doctor [idiot!], she has started believing she may just have what those pills she takes treats.


If you stay in this situation you will only hurt your own emotional state further - I dare say it is fragile enough after years of this abuse. It took me years to recover my ordeal only lasted 8 months.

MJOR

OP my heart goes out to you. This is the man you fell in love with and possibly still on some level love. It's sad that the meds haven't helped him. Unfortunately you now need to think about yourself. I understand you feel that God has let you down but we are the masters of our own destiny and you need to do the right thing for yourself

Miss Fluff

Xiney wrote: »

From my own experiences, I can say the following points are likely:
Your husband probably (delusionally) thinks that you are the cruel one and that all his actions and words against you are perfectly justified.
He does not believe that he is ill. Even if he is treated, feels better, and returns to a normal life as long as he takes the pills, he will probably not believe that he needs them.
If your husband refuses to get proper help, your life will never improve to the point that it is pleasant.


I suggest that you separate from your husband while encouraging him to voluntarily enter an inpatient treatment facility. It was the only thing that ever helped my mother - she has been involuntarily committed twice.

+1.
Your future is in your hands now OP. Urge him to get the professional help he so desperately needs and start getting on with your own life.

jack321

You need to move on , move out and probably split, your your own sake.

Craft25

Unregistered wrote: »

I need a place to vent.

For the most part i agree with all above, i just wonder do you have a place where you can talk things through freely yourself? a counsellor might help you straighten out your priorities, or even a 'real world' priest if thats your thing