Yet another I've no friends thread.....

LegacyUser

Sorry for adding yet another of these threads...

Currently I have no friends and I've never had a girlfriend. My family moved a few times after I was 16 and I've completely lost touch with my friends in secondary school. I finished studying in college a few years ago and moved back to Dublin on my own. I had 3 good friends in college but they actually left the country when they finished the course.

The thing is, I do know how to fix this problem. I have been joining things I'm interested in lately and I'm not expecting to magically make friends by staying at home like I used to. I don't know how crazy this sounds (I don't usually see people mention this in these types of threads) but I've just got this terrible fear of getting close to people in case they find out about this "terrible secret". I dread people in work asking about what my plans are for the weekend or what I did the previous weekend. I am probably one of the shyest people on the planet (I'd put money on it!) but talking in a group, especially at work, just seems even harder when I've got this constant fear of people finding out that I have no friends and am a virgin. It just seems like every single person has these mad stories to tell about what they did at some house party while drunk or out with their friends and I have to just sit their like a mute.

How did people that went through this get over it or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Thanks for any advice!

Kevster

Hi,

I am 25 now and have no core group of friends either, and I have not gone 'out' for a few years now. However, I am reasonably comfortabe with who I am and it doesn't bother me so much. Not everyone has to be outgoing. If someone asks you what you did at the weekend, be honest about what you did. You can't forever hide your true nature and expect to be happy. Don't take **** from anyone... ...and don't be afraid to let people know the real you.

Kevin

LegacyUser

hi i'm a male aged 27 and i've posted a thread recently with a similiar situation to you. i know exactly how you feel. i didn't aquire a core group of friends at home growing up, partly due to the fact i live in rural ireland but also because of my lack of confidence. i did aquire some friends at college but only two ever lasting ones and they don't live near me. i have one good friend now through work but i'm really in his social circle if you know what i mean. I too am a virgin and have very little experience in relationships. what i find hard about getting a friend is the whole jockular thing if you know what i mean.

i would say don't deny you don't have friends but just tell the people you meet your situation i.e. you have moved around a lot and you went to college, came back home and leave it at that. people will understand then that you might not have much friends. once you do build up a friendship don't pretend you have friends for fear of embarrassment, this will come back to haunt you. just casually inform him/her of your situation, they will understand and if they don't you won't want them as a friend anyway.

be positive when you are explaining your situation. don't try and make to much of an issue about it. remember it is only a big deal for you. when i was at secondary i thought most of the lads in my class were just either 88ass-holes88, pretentous or just too dissimiliar to me. yet when i went to college i made some good friends. so although i know i don't have much friends now i am positive enough about it. the only way for me is to move out of home and socialise more.

you live in dublin. the place is full of people so get out there and socialise as much as you can. you will find a good friend no matter how shy you are. it doesn't matter that you have no friends now. this is only a reflection of your situation rather than your personality.

hope this helps. by the way keep using these internet forums, particularly for the things you are interested in not just the personal issue page.

sin mar ata

i'm the 27 guy who replied above. i've registered so if anybody wants to pm me i.e. those who are in a similiar situation feel free. it is good to talk!:)

SoupyNorman

Hi there OP, I hate seeing these threads but they are all too common and I dont mean that with any pitiful tones as I can understand how a perfectly nice person can come to have no friends. I moved about a fair bit myself from the age 13 - 21 and fell into the Friends doldrums but then I got settled and went to college. College for me was a revelation and I took away so much more then a piece of paper.

There is no magical answer to your predicament and by what you say you seem to be doing all the right things. Can I ask what you do for a living (general area)?..Being a State Pathologist might give away your identity

Usually work can be the most promising source of social interaction. I get annoyed when colleges repeatedly decline to go out on events organized by work. You may not get on with some people in work but outside maybe a different story, also do you drink? Alcohol could loosen up that shy tongue of yours!

I dont really know if any of what I say helps but maybe in future when you want to say something but your Shy alarm goes off, use that as encouragement to say it anyway. Whats the worst that could happen??? You embarrass yourself!, who cares...You make someone laugh..great.

It is important not to be the loudest person in the room but the opposite is equally important.

LegacyUser

join the fca/rdf, great way of meeting people and a bit of craic for any age

McGinty

Hi Op

Whilst I am not shy like you I moved around whilst growing up, went to different schools etc. At the moment I am a bit of billy no mates but it is only because I have moved to a new area. However, I intend to remedy that, like what others said, don't be afraid to admit you have no friends/ are shy/ and your lifestyle contributes to it. The biggest tip I can give you is show interest in people, ask questions, most people love to talk about themselves and when someone shows interest they love that. I am genuinly interested in people, I don't ask very personal questions, but I'll open up a conversation with some social topic be it weather/ work / what is on in the news, and I will ask their views on it, or did they like it or enjoy. A conversation can gain momentum from such questioning. If you can, when someone asks you a question, elaborate more than yes or no. Finally I ask people if they would like to meet for a coffee/ tea, if I get a good vibe from them and nine times out of ten I do. Also by saying to work collegues that you had a quiet weekend, you may get an invite to something. Finally there are plenty of boards beers here, whilst I haven't been to one yet, I hear they are a good way of meeting others.

RossFixxxed

I'm looking to get in shape and loads of my friends are too, so if you're not some mad serial killer (and even if you are) come join us and be less lazy!

sin mar ata

McGinty wrote: »

Finally there are plenty of boards beers here, whilst I haven't been to one yet, I hear they are a good way of meeting others.

What do you mean by 'boards beers'?

Firetrap

Boards Beers are social events that are held by Boards.ie from time to time. Keep your eye on the notice section at the top of the page. I'd love to go to one but they're usually held in Dublin. Not a lot of use when you live in Kilkenny Anyway, I digress

The thing I wanted to say to you is that it's never too late to get yourself a core group of friends. I'm in my early 30s and my closest friends now are people I met in my late 20s. Apart from the odd Christmas card, I'm not in touch with any of my ex-classmates.

Don't think too much about your not having friends. Anyone new you meet won't care about your other friends - it's you they'll like, not your friends. Also, the nature of friendship changes throughout the years. Sometimes people find that when a close friend moves away or gets married, that they see/hear a lot less from them can can even lose touch. In other words, don't get too wound up about it.

I can vouch for Boards Beers,

Excellent method of meeting people!

still trying to figure out how not to be a wallflower, but still happy I went! Looking forward to the next one!

LegacyUser

This is a sad situation to be in. Most of these posts seem to be from guys (i think). I'm woman in my late 20's and i have very few real friends. i have friends in work, but we dont socialise outside work. i have 2 apparent best friends who i email and text all the time, but i can count on one hand the number of times i've seen them in the past year. Everyone is "loved up". In couples, married etc. They have no time to be going out mid-week for a quick drink, to the cinema or even for a walk.

I do have a boyfriend. He has a huge circle of friends. I am so embarrassed by my lack of friends. We always go out with his friends. I get on great with them, dont get me wrong. But i get so sad because he always has someone, always has something to do. While if i'm not seeing him, i sit in alone, crying, feeling loney. Its a horrible, horrible thing for a person to go through. Its easy for people to say go out, socialise. But its not that easy is it? I've done courses, joined classes. Still nothing.
I have no solution to this problem, but I hope you realise you are not alone,and that there are others going through the same thing.

Kevster

Unregistered wrote: »

I do have a boyfriend. He has a huge circle of friends. I am so embarrassed by my lack of friends. We always go out with his friends. I get on great with them, dont get me wrong. But i get so sad because he always has someone, always has something to do.

The same thing happens when I have a girlfriend: She is usually the outgoing type and has lots of friends that I just 'adopt' as my own friends. However, when the relationship ends, it leaves me firmly on my own and in dire straits. It's no coincidence that the most depressive moments of my life correspond to relationship break-ups.

Oh, I live in Naas actually, not Dublin. I intend to emigrate as soon as I finish college.