Relationship on the rocks

LegacyUser

I'll try and keep this short. I have been with my G/F for two years. I love her and want to stay with her. I'm in my mid thirties and she is in her early forties. We have no children.

When we met I said that I wasn't interested in marriage or children, which she accepted.

A few weeks ago she went out with her friends. When I went into town to collect her much much later, I entered the pub only to find one of the bar staff attempting to snog my very very drunk (I've never seen her so drunk) G/F. When he saw me he ran. I brought her home and spent most of the night holding her hair while she got sick.

Over the next few days I noticed that she wasnt as keen to have me over (we live 35 miles apart) and when I was, she never let her phone out of her hand, When she was using her hands she stuck it in her pocket or in the waistband of her track suit bottoms(this was new). It was on vibrate all the time and barely a few mins would pass without a sms coming in. She also took to taking phone calls in her bedroom with the door closed.

We cleaned and tidied her house, put up all her Christmas decorations. The I caught a glimpse of her sending a sms to her friend saying that she had tidied the house for her visitor later. She practically told me to leave that evening.

Two days later I asked her what was going on and she denied everything, then turned on me saying that I wouldnt commit to her (2 years???), didnt want to marry her and dont want children. That was the case originally. I had planned to ask her to marry me early next year. As for children am coming 'round to that idea as well.

I admit I am not good at talking about myself or my feelings, and if asked a personal question in public, i react by saying the first outrageous thing that comes into my head.

And I have said some horrible things. I canot appologise enough for what I have said.

I am a practical person and believe that actions speak louder than words, any of you who have felt a shudder in the ground in the last 2 years, it was probably me moving the planet for her

She then told me that she wanted some space to think about our relationship and where it was going, which I agreed to. That was 2 weeks ago. I have written to her twice explaining how I feel and what my long term plans could possibly be for us, I left a card and one of her Christmas presents at her parents house on Christmas eve.

I am respecting her right to space, but what worries me most is that there is another suitor using this space to worm his way in.

I am ready and willing to move heaven and earth to win her back, so what I an asking is....

Is there anything more I can do?

A bit long, sorry

Snowie

your not really respecting her space if your writting to her and sending her christmas card's granted its that time of year..... But i would of thuaght space is space....

If she beheaving differently with her phone that measn there things on there text's on there she does not want you to see, and secretivness is a cause for concern....

I think the ball is in her court and up to her to pass it back....

projectmayhem

Walk away from the relationship. It's rough, but just walk away. Delete her number from your phone, forget her home address, and hook up with your mates for beers and guitar hero night.

Check out some other women in bars etc.. Get your mojo back. If she wants you back you'll be more clear on how you feel after you've let yourself roam free for a bit. But be sure that she contacts you, and not the other way.

Ironically this is the only thing you can do. When she contacts you (and she will, in her own time) be courteous. If it's meant to be, it'll be.

Grimlock

I'm sorry mate but the writting is on the wall.
She seems to be cheating on you.
I don't agree with Snow Monkey, the space thing is bullsh!t don't buy it for a second. Fine, you may not be giving her the space she wants but what she wants is you gone and someone new in, that's why the kids thing has come up again, it's just an excuse. But she hasn't the descency to tell you things are over and let you go.

Walk away buddy. Not easy I know but walk away. Prolonging things will only prolong the pain.

MagicMarker

Yep, sorry man, it looks like she's cheating/has cheated on you.

IMO, you should stop waiting for her phone call and tell her that it's over. What were you going to do when/if she called anyway? Just forget about her suspicious behaviour?

LegacyUser

What did you expect? When would she have married you? Women are just suppose to sit there and wait for you to "come around" to marriage and kids...not nice for us I have no sympathy. Propose and tell her you want her and only her if thats what you want. Tell her you can`t wait to have a family with her or else step away and let her find someone who really loves her and wants to give her the world.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

What did you expect? When would she have married you? Women are just suppose to sit there and wait for you to "come around" to marriage and kids...not nice for us I have no sympathy. Propose and tell her you want her and only her if thats what you want. Tell her you can`t wait to have a family with her or else step away and let her find someone who really loves her and wants to give her the world.

The OP says that when they met, he made it clear that he didn't want marriage or kids. She was perfectly free to say "I want both, so you're not right for me" and leave him, but she didn't and after two years took the coward's route by cheating on him instead of having the decency to break up with him first.

It's people like you I have no sympathy for - men do not exist for the immature bridal fantasies of women.

Dudess

Unregistered wrote: »

What did you expect?

I do believe you're justifying her behaviour...

When would she have married you?

Is the OP here complaining about her not agreeing to marry him? No, he's describing how she seems to be cheating on him. Can you see the difference?

Women are just suppose to sit there and wait for you to "come around" to marriage and kids

LOL - you didn't even read as far as the last part of the OP's sixth sentence.

...not nice for us

For "us"? No interest in kids myself - and I'm a woman.

Propose and tell her you want her and only her if thats what you want. Tell her you can`t wait to have a family with her or else step away and let her find someone who really loves her and wants to give her the world.

Wow. Way to give the OP completely irrelevant advice. Oh and not wanting to marry someone or have children with them doesn't mean you don't really love them...

Lupo_solitario

Have to agree with ProjectMayhem ,Walk away and he is so right about delete numbers ,Etc if she wants anything to do with you she will contact you herself
the more you contact her the more needy you seem leave her alone and go out and enjoy yourself if she wants to be with you she will contact you ,if she doesnt you havent had a row and all the stupid crap that goes with it , wont have happened ,just find a time and talk with her and dont be thick listen to what she has to say and then say what you have to say, dont go through the calling names and insulting one another it doesnt work and causes problems later on with friends ,family ,etc just my view of things ,my best friend is the mother of my Child and we split up

metrovelvet

She's cheating on you.

I also believe actions speak louder than words. However, because I believed this, I was reckless with words, still am sometimes, and this is a mistake and has caused some great damage. Words are hugely powerful, can do so much damage, that not even the greatest of deeds can make up for them. So be careful next time and use your words constructively....

LegacyUser

Propose to her... that's if you can forgive a cheater, once a cheater always a cheater in my opinion. She sounds like a right cow to be honest, harsh but true.

Trinity

She is a coward plain and simple.

You were honest with her from the start about what you wanted, and she agreed.

Now she has a bit of the grass is greener syndrome. She has decided she wants more and she is turning everyhting around and blaming it on you, justifying her behaviour to herself because she doesnt have the decency nor the balls to end the relationship with you, to sit down like an adult and say its not working, its over.

Possibly because you have been good to her and also because perhaps she wants to see if this fling works out.

So she betrays you, treats you like dirt, disrespects you and sleeps with someone else and then blames you. Nice.


Disgusting, selfish behaviour and not the actions of someone that loves you i am sorry to say.

Best to move on, i wouldnt want to be with someone so cold and calculated.

MJOR

She has behaved appaulingly. Not only did she not discuss her feelings with you but then she decides to head off and use the grass is greener excuse. I think you need to put this down to experience and forget about her... easier said than done i know but at the end of the day she respected you little enough to hav an open discussion. Shes not worth it

LegacyUser

Hold on a second with the condemnations.

Ok, cheating is wrong, not being emotionally honest is wrong. But you have to look at the reality of this woman's life as well.

OP, this woman took you on cause she loved you enough to give up her last fertile years for you. Now two years later, maybe she's realising that she still has a chance, maybe just loving you isn't enough. I'm not saying that she right, but its very very hard to surpress instinct. I've left men who said they didn't want to have kids and that was the right decision, she's maybe shouldn't have got involved two years ago, or should handle things better now but the situation is what it is.

Its very hard for a woman to supress the instinct for have a family, maybe she thought she could handle it but can't.
Forget texting. Write her and email or a letter even saying exactly what you want and what you think. After that the ball is in her court. It may be too late but at least you'll then have done all you can to make it right. Your relationship is in crisis now (assuming there is cheating) but it may have been in crisis long before this, considering the circumstances. You can deal with your feelings about the cheating at a later date. You can get over that too. She won't forget you overnight for a fling. I hope it works out cause you obviously love her.

Sir Humphrey

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

your not really respecting her space if your writting to her and sending her christmas card's granted its that time of year..... But i would of thuaght space is space....

Sending somebody a Christmas Card is "not respecting their space"?

How on earth did society get to this stage?!:eek:

LegacyUser

OP here,

One of her closest friends recently had a baby. Another has just had one, she's the only one of her friends left that hasn't had a child. As an emotionally backward man, I can't imagine how that feels for her. She has mentioned the clock ticking on occasion

I never thought i'd hear myself say this, if she is messing about, I think I could forgive her.
Its the lies that is hardest to bear.

As for the Christmas card, I believe it would be rude not to send her one. What I wrote in it was;
To "Name"
Love Always "Me"

vorbis

OP, I'd say its time to move on. In your case, I'd argue that the actual act of cheating isn't as bad as the blatant disrespect she showed you over it. I mean she arranged to meet the other guy on the same day that she met you! That should tell you everything you need to know. She has no respect for you.

Anyone telling you they need space is essentially taking the cowardly option for breaking up with you. You owe yourself better than that. You by the sounds of it have tried to help out her a lot. She isn't reciprocating OP.

LegacyUser

OP, it sounds like you and her had a breakdown in communication a good while before current events.
She probably thought she'd just 'settle' for what she had, and thats never easy as it first seems. Of course she shouldn't just have 'mentioned' biological clock, she should've had the confidence to ask for what she wants and leave the honourable way if she had to.
I imagine she's as confused as you are.
No matter what people on here say, this is somethin you have to communicate with her about. You can do that while respecting her space.
People are always very quick to say leave after an affair but it isn't always the right thing to do.
Whether you get back with her or not, communication is probably you need to work in any future relationship.

Trinity

Unregistered wrote: »

Hold on a second with the condemnations.

Ok, cheating is wrong, not being emotionally honest is wrong. But you have to look at the reality of this woman's life as well.

OP, this woman took you on cause she loved you enough to give up her last fertile years for you. Now two years later, maybe she's realising that she still has a chance, maybe just loving you isn't enough. I'm not saying that she right, but its very very hard to surpress instinct. I've left men who said they didn't want to have kids and that was the right decision, she's maybe shouldn't have got involved two years ago, or should handle things better now but the situation is what it is.

Its very hard for a woman to supress the instinct for have a family, maybe she thought she could handle it but can't.
Forget texting. Write her and email or a letter even saying exactly what you want and what you think. After that the ball is in her court. It may be too late but at least you'll then have done all you can to make it right. Your relationship is in crisis now (assuming there is cheating) but it may have been in crisis long before this, considering the circumstances. You can deal with your feelings about the cheating at a later date. You can get over that too. She won't forget you overnight for a fling. I hope it works out cause you obviously love her.

No-one here is condemning the girl for leaving or wanting more from her life. The issue is how she ended it and the behaviour leading up to it.

The OP deserves more also I am sure, its a horrible way to be treated. Particularly as he treated her well and was honest with her.

I dont think anyone would be condemning her if the OP came on and said my gf of 2 years sat me down and said she wanted a family, i didnt so she ended the relationship?

LegacyUser

Trinity1 wrote: »

No-one here is condemning the girl for leaving or wanting more from her life. The issue is how she ended it and the behaviour leading up to it.

The OP deserves more also I am sure, its a horrible way to be treated. Particularly as he treated her well and was honest with her.

I dont think anyone would be condemning her if the OP came on and said my gf of 2 years sat me down and said she wanted a family, i didnt so she ended the relationship?

I know what you're saying. But I suspect the issue is not just how she's ending it - if thats what she's doing - we don't know that and I bet she doesn't know yet herself.

The issue is maybe why this situation has arisen, its not as simple as who's the goodie & who's the baddie at the end. The OP seems to want to sort this out so he has to look at the bigger picture. He sounds like he's doing that. Most women her age won't go running into a fling - unless she's used to feeling like there's no future where she's at. Of course the way she's gone about it isn't right. But there's always a bigger picture.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, seems like your GF has met someone else who she thinks may give her a commitment and kids.
She should have been honest instead of being sneaky about it. Do you have shared property or other things? Perhaps she is protecting her share of things by not saying anything just yet.
You were pretty honest about the kid,marriage stuff at the start. If a man said that to me I would think he wasn't in love with me and wanted to keep it casual. I wouldn't date a man that said he didn't want marriage, and if I didn't already have grown kids I wouldn't date a man who didn't want kids. No matter how long you've been together your GF still thinks it's casual cos you said that. That's how I see it anyhow.
You can tell her you want to get serious,but I think that ship's already sailed. Now all you can do is try to part in a civil manner. Good luck

LegacyUser

OP here,

We have no shared assets.
She rang me yesterday. We chatted (general stuff, weather etc.)
She mentioned that she would be in my area this evening, She said she might.
Its nearly ten o' clock on new years eve and, well, you can guess the rest.

I am sorely tempted to go over to her tomorrow and look for an answer.......


Happy new year to you all and thanks for reading and offering your advice

I miss her