How do I learn to trust hm again?

LegacyUser

People who have been lied to, cheated on, etc, and stayed with the person, how did u get over it? I've posted twice before (as advisee) about my OHs drug issues, his online gilfriends and his lies. I don't know what I can believe now but I don't want t leave. I also don't want to feel this nagging sense of foolishness when I do trust him and I don't want to mistrust him.

Lies come out of his mouth so easily and he comes across as so open and honest to everyone else (who REALLY don't know him as well as they think they do) (including me). I can't talk to anyone about this because it will change how they see him. All this dishonesty and suspicion is burning me out. How do I get this back to holding hands and wanting him? Believing him?

We've been together for just under 2 yrs and were friends for a year before we got together (which is part of the reason this hurts - he lied to me as a good friend and a lover) and we're both in late 20's and live together (if background info helps).

Please, anyone who has been through something similar, how did u recapture trust? Right now I'm paranoid at every mis-step he makes (no response to emails/texts = drug binge and booty.

Silverfish

The Advisee wrote: »

Please, anyone who has been through something similar, how did u recapture trust? .

I didn't - I left and was a hell of a lot happier for it, even though I didn't think I would be.

You only get one shot at life, don't waste it on people you can't trust. If your instinct is not to trust someone, its not usually wrong.

Wibbs

In general, I'm not one of those who usually clamours "Leave him and leave him now!". I usually say step back and work on things as in a lot of cases IMHO it's people getting bored and looking for an excuse to leave.

In this case I would say the same about stepping back, but I would say step back and look and ask why are you staying with a guy who lies and cheats on you? The drug binges are just another symptom of the overall pattern of bad behaviour.

I would ask myself, why am I sticking by someone that treats me with this much lack of respect? Why do I feel this is something that is healthy for me?

This person has lied to you as a friend and as a lover and simply as a human being. Not good. Do you think he will change? Do you, god forbid, think you can change him(you won't). Do you think you can't find someone better? Because from where I'm sitting and your description of this man and your relationship, being single would sound very very attractive.

In the end I would be thinking less about him and asking why you think you should stay.

ahaaha

my present partner had such a habit when we were in our late teens - we broke up for 4 years, met again and he is a changed man. perhaps your fella just needs to figure out his head and whats important to him. it seems he still has a lot of single life to live still.
at the end of the day you have to take care of yourself - in the long term what will make you happy? a broken heart for a few months or a broken heart for life?

Micamaca

I agree...you should be asking yourself why you feel you need to or should stay with him. He's not your mess to clean up...he is big and bold enough to do it himself.

Time for some self-reflection. Do you want a future filled with doubt and mistrust or do you want to find someone else who has similar goals as you... Do you even find time to make goals for yourself, with all the minding of himself?

It might sound cheesy, but ask yourself do you want to be doing the same thing in five years time...and leave hopeless optimism out of the answer. If this guy is still doing the same thing in five years time, how will you feel about potentially wasting another five years with him? Is this really what you want from life?

seahorse

I would say that the first step in learning to trust someone again is to be absolutely sure they are worth the effort. The question you need to ask yourself OP is, is he? What have you seen from him in terms of a radical shift in his behaviour that has lead you to believe he's worth the emotional investment? Or would trusting him again be simply rolling the dice with your mental and emotional health? If the answer to this is yes then I would advise you to get out of there fast.

If, however, you have seen huge positive changes and you are confident on a logical level that he has no intention of hurting you again then perhaps it is worth trying to learn to trust again, because people can and have gotten over seriously damaging behaviours in relationships like infidelity. It is just about knowing when and where to place your trust in order to protect yourself for the future.

TheZohanS

The Advisee wrote: »

People who have been lied to, cheated on, etc, and stayed with the person, how did u get over it? I've posted twice before (as advisee) about my OHs drug issues, his online gilfriends and his lies. I don't know what I can believe now but I don't want t leave. I also don't want to feel this nagging sense of foolishness when I do trust him and I don't want to mistrust him.

Lies come out of his mouth so easily and he comes across as so open and honest to everyone else (who REALLY don't know him as well as they think they do) (including me). I can't talk to anyone about this because it will change how they see him. All this dishonesty and suspicion is burning me out. How do I get this back to holding hands and wanting him? Believing him?

We've been together for just under 2 yrs and were friends for a year before we got together (which is part of the reason this hurts - he lied to me as a good friend and a lover) and we're both in late 20's and live together (if background info helps).

Please, anyone who has been through something similar, how did u recapture trust? Right now I'm paranoid at every mis-step he makes (no response to emails/texts = drug binge and booty.

Your OH is in his late 20's so it's highly unlikely he's going to change at this stage.

He has a drug problem, online relationships- that might not just be online and abused your trust by telling you lies.

Now you have two choices;

1. Walk away while you still have a chance.

2. Stay and either put up with this nonsense or pull him up on everything causing yourself grief and stress.

The truth is when trust is abused by one partner it is difficult to rebuild it. There is a period of second guessing what's really going on and what your OH is up to etc. It takes time to get back to where you were before and one lie can bring you back to square one.

You could give him one final chance but by the sounds of it you've probably already given him enough at this stage.

OP your boyfriends behaviour is not normal and should not be tolerated.

You need to cut your losses.

Dizzyblonde

The only way you can trust him again is if he proves himself to be trustworthy. Trust needs to be earned. I don't think it sounds too hopeful in his case though, from your original post.

Annie Bananie

I had one of them relationships, where the lying just wouldnt stop. I wanted to believe him so badly, but never could.

I felt so bad and were so unhappy. That relationship I ended and its the best thing I ever done. Maybe it dont feel like that when you do it, but after a while when you can look at it from a distance, it was the best thing.

I really feel for you, as I know the situation and wish you best of luck, however you wish to do it. My only advise to you is think about your own happiness first in this situation and then do whatever is needed to ashieve it.

SW81

I know more than anyone how hard it is to let go of someone you love. But I also have come out the other side and found someone FAR better who treats me with respect and who I fully trust.

Please leave him. You will find someone so much better. My heart goes out to you, I know what a horrible place you are in right now but you will never be truly happy with him. You need to go find someone who you will be so happy with and you'll look back on this low life as just a blip in your past.

You can and will do better.

jessbeth

Personally I could never stay with somebody like this, you're ruining your own life and if he did something once well then I would say stay and work it out but you make it sound like it's an ongoing thing. Why would you want to stay with somebody who treats you like that. I hate to say it but if he really loved you he would have more respect for you and if you really loved yourself you would have more respect for yourself and get out.
I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh but you sound nice and I hate to see people treated that that.

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone for your responses and honest opinions and advice.

I've told him that he needs to get some help (with regards to why he takes drugs and lies to everyone. I can understand that he's scared of losng people but how can we love/like him if we don't really know him?) and am seriously considering getting away for a few months. Like I said, I'm not ready to give up on him but everyone who said that I need to look after my own happiness is right. This decision to take a break hurts but it actually feel better to make this decision than it felt before when I felt like I was either being fooled or having to doubt him.

I do need to look after myself and you guys have helped me see that he's not helping me. I need to help myself by getting away from his behavior.

Thank you for everything.

MizzLolly

Hey OP,

I remember your first thread that you posted here a while back. I could relate to a lot of what you said (apart from the online flirting, he was doing it for real) and I remember agreeing with all the other posters here who told you to leave him.

I'm actually stunned to hear that you've not broken up. You must be in pieces now trying to deal with him and his bad behaviour. You mentioned that you don't want to tell people about what he's doing because you're scared it will change their views on him.. but why the hell should you protect him? He's done nothing but hurt and belittle you.

I still stand by my last response to your last post. Get out now before any further damage is done. That paranoia you're feeling now will take a long time to disappear, even if you do move on and find somebody else. The longer you stay with him, the longer you'll spend picking up the pieces.

Just leave him where he is, I know it's hard to see it now but eventually you'll accept that he's NOT the nice guy you fell for. He's cruel and deceptive and he's thrown every chance you've given him back in your face. I'm not usually the type of poster who'll tell you to dump somebody after a little hiccup, in fact, as my last response suggested, I accept a lot. But he's gone too far. You don't deserve what he's doing to you.

In response to your question of how you learn to trust someone again, in my experience you don't. And it makes future partners more difficult to trust aswell which is not fair on either of you.

I suppose the best thing you can do is ask yourself what you hope to get outta this relationship. It sounds like it's all one sided and you're taking a hell of a lot of sh!t in exchange for only a small amount of support. Ask yourself why you feel like you need to protect him and why you feel that you need to put up with this behaviour. I reckon you'll find that it's got a lot more to do with how you feel about yourself rather than how you feel about him.


If you decide that enough is enough, then rest assured that you can move on and find the treatment you deserve. Even if you think it'll never feel right again, it will and as a poster said above, one you get past the initial shock of it all, you see that you're better than you imagined you could be. Best thing I can tell you to do.

Good luck

Liam Byrne

The Advisee wrote: »

I don't know what I can believe now but I don't want t leave.

Been there but eventually saw sense.

The Advisee wrote: »

Right now I'm paranoid at every mis-step he makes (no response to emails/texts = drug binge and booty.

So basically you can already see that you're damaging yourself ?

I'm not going to be too harsh in my reply because "I was that fool", but when you do get yourself out of an abusive scenario the sense of relief and normality is overwhelming!

Give yourself the gift of the New Year's Resolution that I gave myself last year.....sanity!

If you want, give him one "this stops or else" ultimatum, but bear in mind that it's HIS behaviour that's wrecking things, and there's lots of people out there that won't do that to you.

Best of luck!

MintyDoris

What Wibbs said ...
I think this is about you trusting your gut feeling and not about learning to trust him
I stuck around for 6 years more than I should have and every day I give thanks that I didn't stick around any longer than I did. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was the best thing I could have ever done
Best of Luck

strongbluebell

Hi OP
Looks like it's all already been said, I just wanted to add a note of empathy, you must be having a tough day reading all these responses.
I'm in a very difficult relationship too and while I know it's not going to get better it's still so hard to leave, in my case there are children involved too. I agree with some of the other posters that it is next to impossible to get back trust that has been broken. I can only speak for myself and say that my self esteem has been so damaged by years of abuse that it is so difficult to find the strength and self belief to actually do anything.
Good luck with whatever decision you make.

MintyDoris

Actually strongebluebell makes a good point
You need to look after yourself in all this and be kind to yourself. Don't be hard on yourself because you are upset by the situation. You are obviously a compassionate person with a good heart
I forget what the pain was like because I don't feel it anymore. But I remember it being comepletely soul destroying.
It does get better once you start looking after yourself

LegacyUser

I'm in the same situation. Been with the girlfriend since last Jan and found out she kissed another guy. She was drunk and was really confused about where our relationship was going etc. I told her I'd forgive her (but not forget) and that something like that couldn't happen again or it was over.

Granted she could go behind my back and be seeing over guys but you have to look into things and just have to use your own judgement on whether you think someone is being sincere and honest about what they are saying. Has things like this happened in their past, why did their previous relationships end, and what their general behaviour is like.

It's hard I know.... you really just have to use your instinct and really hope you don't get mistreated again. Don't let it happen again.

I weighted up my opinions by talking to friends. I had to let other people know. And I made sure I told her that I told my friends what happened. I told her I wanted people to know of the hurt that she had caused but reassured her that the friends would not judge her as I had learned to forgive.

pfishfood

Sometimes in life we have to do things that hurt short term but in the long term can lead to happyness.TBA your luck in a way that kids arent involved and you can take a break for a few months. I can relate to the lost trust thing, but even when you do get back with him you will forever in your mind be questioning everything that he says. Its not a pleasent predicimaent to be in. Been there done that etc...

LegacyUser

We talked again last night - he gave his response to my suggestions of couple of months break and going to therapy. He wants me to come back and try for another month (if that doesn't work then we'll have the couple of moths break), he won't go for free therapy (which would be weekly) but he says he'll start seeing his therapist again every other week (he's on social welfare so can't afford weekly but doesn't want to have to go through explaining his situation and form another rapport with a new therapist). I'm going to go along with him for a session or 2 (he admitted a while ago that he hadn't been completely honest with his therapist).

It's a further compromise. How do I give it a chance and not turn into a demoness (bring u the hurt that his online infidelity and lies have caused me) when we hit a "niggle" (you know the "why didn't you.... when I needed you to...?")? Do you think it's enough? He has closed down his online dating profiles (whether he's re-registered under a different name or is still fooling around with his online ex is something I just have to trust) and says that he stopped pursuing online sex 6 months ago. He has also said that if I keep making an issue of it, he's going to "need" the escape of drugs and online booty.

I know that I seem like an eejit and should just walk away but there are efforts he has made (the closing of profiles, removing online GF as a FB friend, the going back to therapy). Is it enough?

I'm still hesitant and scared but if I walk away without trying some more, I'm going to be wondering if it would have worked with these compromises.

There must be people out there who were cheated on and got the relationship to work again. How did they do it? How can he prove that he's trustworthy? Time, I guess, and constant evaluation?

Here are the links to my previous posts because it gives a fuller picture. re onliie dating http://www-srv-3.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055431619 and the drug issue http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055356313.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and comment already. It has been invaluable to see how other people feel about these issues because (obviously) my head is so confused.

Dizzyblonde

[/QUOTE]He has also said that if I keep making an issue of it, he's going to "need" the escape of drugs and online booty.[/QUOTE]

This sounds like blackmail to me. If you feel the need to give it another try and go through his therapy etc then by all means do, but be careful. Exercise some self preservation too.

LegacyUser

Thanks dizzyblonde. I know it sounds like emotional blackmail but it could also be a honest warning. I am not making every day life easy for him with my fears and constant questioning.

To all who advise breaking up and enduring short term pain - same could be said of giving this another try. If I find 1 more lie, I am out of there.

Again, if anyone has a method or advice as to how someone can prove they've changed, please do tell.

Happy new year to all and many thanks again. You've helped me see that I'm not insane for my reaction to his behavior. Before this, I was ready to do some really nasty things to hurt him as much as he hurt me but your advice has made me realise that I have to live with myself and my decisions. I feel so much calmer and know that I can get out if I need to. And I havve options and myself to look after.

Thank you thank you thank you!

ahaaha

you mentioned your bf was on social welfare - i know its hard times but even if he can get 1-2 days a week doing something it would really benefit him as it seems he needs some stimulation. does he have any hobbies or anything to keep him occupied? would he volunteer at a charity or anything? its like giving up cigarettes or drink - the drugs, online sex etc., need to be replaced with something else.

i think you are a great woman to try and stick around for another month. i hope he really understands how lucky he is.

Dizzyblonde

OP I'm afraid there's no quick or easy way for trust to be rebuilt. It will take a long time of your OH being honest and trustworthy before you feel you can really trust him. There's just no other way.

MJOR

Unless this guy goes to rehab there's not a hope it's going to work. He clearly has an addictive personality which is obvious from the lies and the drugs. Unfortunately unless he admits he has a problem and gets proper help you're going to be posting here forever.


You need to ask yourself if this guy were dating my closest friend how would i feel?

We are the masters if our own destiny and i think staying would be a mistake. One of the things I value most about mt partner is his loyalty to me. This man has nt been loyal or truly loving to you at all. The drugs other women and excuses are all examples of why you shouldn't stay.

Value yourself girl! Relationships are about enhancing your life not making you feel paranoid and neglected.

Good luck x

seahorse

the advisee wrote: »

He has also said that if I keep making an issue of it, he's going to "need" the escape of drugs and online booty.

Sorry OP, I don't mean to be rude but I stopped reading your post at this line as that is all I need to know. It'd be all I'd need to hear if I were in your shoes also, believe me. How the fuk are you EVER supposed to be able to re-establish trust while he's holding the same trust-busting behaviour over your head like the sword of fukin Damocles???

I think you'd be crazy to try to make things work with a man who could say that to you. I know I wouldn't dream of it; I'd feel I was letting myself down, to be honest.