Angry about post break-up revelations

LegacyUser

I broke up with who I thought was Mr. Right about a month ago because of distance. We both thought at the time that we were right for each other but the circumstances weren't. We work and live hours from each other and this seemed to amplify any arguments we had, to the point where it seemed like a better idea to break up than stay together and make each other miserable. Throughout whatever was wrong I felt (he said he felt this also...now who knows) that we had a really good connection; we had just clicked instantly when we met and I felt I could trust him with anything. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy and because we both still had feelings for each other we agreed to not stay friends as we'd be jealous if the other one got together with someone else. That was fine, and we haven't spoken since. Though I miss him I had gotten to the stage where I wasn't thinking about him every minute and it was getting easier to be apart.

But....it turns out that he had a couple of 'dalliances' with other girls while we were very much together (I don't know if it was sex or not), and to put it bluntly, I am so angry I could spit. He didn't tell me and he doesn't know that I know. I know I'm lucky we had already broken up when I found out but even so I feel so so betrayed. I've gone from occasionally thinking of him 'fondly' to being consumed with anger about what he was doing and feeling like he was making a fool of me the whole time. He sent me a text Christmas morning saying he wished he was spending it with me and how I'm the only girl he wants and it made me want to be sick.

I don't want to have it out with him but the anger is so intense it keeps me awake at night! I feel humiliated on a hundred different levels but I think talking to him about it would be taking a step backward. There's nothing he could say to excuse it, is there? I just want to get past this. How do I get this guy out of my head?

Nevyn

Congratulations on such a lucky escape.
Imagine what it would have been like if it had of lasted until you were living together or if you were expecting his child and then you found out.

McGinty

Hi Op

I am sorry about what happened to you and it is a shame that this happened, I can relate to the all consuming anger as well and sleepless night. However, you are right, confronting him will not change what has happened, he will try to excuse it or scapegoat you and this will confuse the issue even further, the only advice I can suggest is writing an unsendable letter, basically vent your anger in the letter and burn it, if you need to write several of them. Also look after yourself and give yourself a treat of some kind as you have been let down, finally, let go of the idea of Mr Right or Mr Perfect, they don't exist that way you won't feel as dissapointed in the future.

Jumpy

Sorry, but I have noticed here that you havent said how long you were together.
If its 1-2 months, then I really would just shake it off and give him up as someone who was trying to get his cake and eat it. If it was any longer then I would start to look down on him as someone a little more seedy.
It also takes a pretty solid relationship to work over distance. Some people cant resist temptation with the other so far away.

LegacyUser

We were together for almost a year, about half of which was long distance. I know I had a lucky escape (and reminding myself of that is what gets me through!) but the anger is nothing like I've ever felt before and it's driving me crazy. He is nothing like the guy I thought he was and maybe that makes me more angry at myself for not realising what he was sooner. I find myself running through everything in my head wondering if everything he said to me was a lie, if he was out with these girls when he didn't show up for things we were meant to do together etc. etc.

I know there's no quick fix to this

Untense

I don't want to have it out with him but the anger is so intense it keeps me awake at night!

Seriously, if he's continuing to text you as normal and your reaction is that strong, I would really consider confronting him about this if I were you. If you keep it bottled up you're going to continue to be plagued with 'what if' thoughts, as you know they don't just fizzle away that easily.

I just want to get past this. How do I get this guy out of my head?

Send him a text, get the facts. Do you really have all the proof you need to be absolutely sure this guy was messing around behind your back?

Kirnsy

the only way to sort this out and to sleep easy is to find out from the horse's mouth.

text/call/ask him in person.

its clearly tormenting you so i dont think ignoring it will improve matters.

fuzzywiggle

Oh i would most definitely say it to him in a text without showing any anger. Let him know you know and that he didn't really get away with it. That's all i would be saying and leave it at that.

LegacyUser

I replied to his text this afternoon and he hasn't replied. I made a reference to other girls occupying him now and during our relationship, which might be why he hasn't said anything since. I've been thinking about it a lot and don't think having it out with him would serve any real purpose. He would either lie about it or say it was somehow my fault for not spending enough time with him. During other rows we'd had before he'd say I thought I was better than him and on a moral power trip, and I suspect me having a problem with him putting it in and out of God knows who when we were together would get a similar reaction. Hindsight is 20/20 and I think there were signs I overlooked. You live and learn I guess.

jellie

I was in a similar situation, found out an ex had cheated a few times a few months after wed broken up. i was just getting over the break up, but like you i had some fond memories of when i thought things were good, & to find out that he had been with other girls at a time when i thought things had been perfect hurt so so much.

the way i got through it was
- remembering im better off without him
- reminding myself i was lucky escape & how much worse it would be to still be with him if he was still doing it
- ignoring him completely: once he knew i knew he started contacting me so much more, possibly guilt i dont know. just dont let him get to you.
- when i start to think of it, just try think of something else

that probably doesnt help much. i couldnt believe how much it hurt considering we were already finished, but it honestly hurt far more than the breakup. its like you have to grieve for the relationship all over again, because now youre realising the person you thought you knew & loved mightnt even exist. personally i ended up questioning every little detail of the relationship, & i wouldnt advise it cause it really doesnt help. the only thing to do really is to try put it in the past & look forward to the future. its just kinda hard to trust the next person after that, but if hes worth it you will

starchild

i would be inclined not to contact in any way unless you someday see a reconcilliation & therefore need to know.

even if you send one text or make one call you are going to create a drama that will occupy your thoughts for weeks or months. He will defend/deny (which might be true) /own up if impossible to deny/ask forgiveness. You will only upset yourself. Do you really need that difficulty in your life.

from your op you seemed to have reached a stage where you were moving on nicely, this will drag you back and back if you let it

best of luck

Grimlock

I understand the hurt from having the carpet pulled from under you, finding out that a person you cared about was very different from the person that you thought they where.... that hurts.

I'd like to say that time heals and it does but there are a lot of painful days before it passes. Maybe try to get out in the field again and spend your time and thoughts on someone who deserves them.

I could have written that post, except I was still with my boyfriend (things had been going badly for a while though) when I found out. I totally understand how it feels, like you've been punched in the stomach, made a fool of, etc. I knew my ex had a lot of faults but I never thought he'd actually cheat on me. It's so hard finding out the person isn't who you thought they were. At the end of the day though, you're better off. It's crap that you don't think well of him anymore. but at least you're not still together.

Liam Byrne

Just don't expect an honest answer or closure, either; cheats and liars rarely do honesty.

St Bill

unregd wrote: »

He is nothing like the guy I thought he was and maybe that makes me more angry at myself for not realising what he was sooner.

If it makes you feel any better, the above happens in most or a lot of break-ups regardless of revelations.
It really sucks though finding all this out after you've broken up. Well as you logically know, you've had a lucky escape, however it'll be a while before your emotions catch up. Now's the time to treat yourself, to hell with the recession!

Good luck