Married woman involved with female friend

LegacyUser

try to keep this short.I'm 35 have 4 children and a great husband.
Have gotten very very friendly wit my friend,we are both girls.gotten to the stage where we actually have sex now.When she's not around i miss her.husband doesnt have a clue just thinks we are great friends,i really want to carry on seeing her but this is going to end up in disaster isnt it.we have tried just being friends but we always end up kissing and more.. i'm totally confused right now and dont know what to do..Can you love 2 people??

themadchef

If you're having sex with your friend you're having an affair. The fact that the person you're having an affair with is the same sex as you does not change that.

Stop all contact with her and show some respect for your husband, it's obviously up to you whether or not you tell your husband. What you're doing is wrong and you know it.

Can you love 2 people? You can love an infinite amount of people but you're married to one,you took vows with one and you are supposed to be faithful to that one.

LegacyUser

If you tell your husband, he might actually be ok with it. Why cause yourself needless stress by limiting your thinking to the tradition of the past? Some couples are actually open to seeing other people.

I don't think anybody has any business telling you what's right and wrong in your own relationships.

MysticalSoul

You way you are confused. What are you confused about? Do you think you are gay/bi, or are you just curious? Do you love your husband? It is not uncommon for females to have fantasies about other women, but I would say tread carefully, as regardless of what the outcome is, someone is bound to be hurt, whether your family, or your female friend.

papillon66

It's not gonna end up in disaster but it will be difficult at some level...you can have it right if you make the right choice for you and your children first-you sound like being in love with your friend...do you still love your hussband...were you happy with your husband before anything started?Those are the questions you have to ask yourself and try to answer with honesty-Then once you agree with yourself about the reason why this started in a first place...you might be able to call the decision you want to make- whatver it is I believe your husband or your friend will accept and understand hopefully-

I have known females friends in your situation- some call out years of marriage as they were unhappy and were attracted or in love with a woman(not always easy decision but they were happy afterwards even though it wasn't easy for anybody),others are still living with their husband and living an uneasy and tricky life trying to keep their relationship as a secret,and others chose their marriage...it is to no one to judge or say what you have to do-

I believe you might need to lay back and understand the situation where you are now and what is important for you-

solas

is it because katy perry is in the charts or have women been kissing women for ages and just not talking about it until recently? anyway..i'm guessing if your husband walked out tomorrow your girlfriend would be out on her ear. she's compensating for what your husband cannot provide for you and if its an emotional need you might find that once he's gone that need recedes also.

Nevyn

You need to look at opening your marrige so that you are being honest about what is going on
or leaving it or stopping the affair imho.

I would suggest you have a read of this book.
http://www.amazon.com/Open-Love-Sex-Life-Marriage/dp/158005241X

This is nothing new, it has nothing to do with a crappy pop song,
it is well known that such things are with in the range of what is normal for human sexuality for the last
3 thousand years if not longer.

solas

Thaedydal wrote: »

This is nothing new, it has nothing to do with a crappy pop song,

its not entirely crappy

Trinity

Unreg5464 wrote: »

I don't think anybody has any business telling you what's right and wrong in your own relationships.

Except perhaps her husband?

Its about lies, deceit, broken trust, not what sex the person is that you are cheating with. People assume he will be ok with it cos its a woman. Could be the case but the fact is the husband is blissfully unaware of whats going on and is being made a fool of. He thinks she is with a friend when in fact she is with a lover.

I would suggest cutting ties with this woman or telling your husband. Its not an easy decision but it shouldnt make a damn bit of difference whether its a man or a woman imho its still cheating and betrayal and the fact that you are in love with another person makes it worse.

LegacyUser

The nature of the responses here are interesting. Here's a woman who is purportedly happily married and yet is having an affair with someone right under her husbands nose. What's interesting is that as she's having the affair with another woman it seems in the main to be alright.
Check out most of the replies to this thread where the OP has not had an affair, instead he registered at a gay site and mailed a bloke. But because he's a bloke he was roundly condemned by the majority of posters and told to leave the poor girl alone.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055427768

The hypocrisy is a bit much.

Regarding what the OP has done, same sex or otherwise, she is being unfaithful, not once, not when she was drunk, but on a continual basis. There is no respect displayed here for her husband who I somehow doubt will be ok with the whole thing just because it's another woman. This isn't some teenage fantasy, this is real life and a marraige. Normally based on trust, respect and faithfulness, none of which are displayed here.

Lollipops23

as other posters have said, the gender of the person makes no difference to the hard fact that you're having an affair. the usual stuff applies here; what if you've picked up an STI from this lady?what if (and you may well be) you're found out?i reckon your husband would be equally heartbroken either way. you have some serious soul-searching to do, find out exactly what it is you want because you can't go on the way you are, too many people will wind up hurt.

pfishfood

Cheating is cheating anyway you look at it. Are you sure what your feeling is lust not love?

metrovelvet

Unregistered wrote: »

The nature of the responses here are interesting. Here's a woman who is purportedly happily married and yet is having an affair with someone right under her husbands nose. What's interesting is that as she's having the affair with another woman it seems in the main to be alright.
Check out most of the replies to this thread where the OP has not had an affair, instead he registered at a gay site and mailed a bloke. But because he's a bloke he was roundly condemned by the majority of posters and told to leave the poor girl alone.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055427768

The hypocrisy is a bit much.

Regarding what the OP has done, same sex or otherwise, she is being unfaithful, not once, not when she was drunk, but on a continual basis. There is no respect displayed here for her husband who I somehow doubt will be ok with the whole thing just because it's another woman. This isn't some teenage fantasy, this is real life and a marraige. Normally based on trust, respect and faithfulness, none of which are displayed here.

There is a double standard when it comes to women having affairs. I am guilty of it also. A friend of mine is having an affair with a married woman. If my friend were a woman having an affair with a married man I would have given her a good verbal for being a homewrecker. But instead I thought to myself in regards to the cheating wife, "well, she must have her reasons" and so it wasnt that bad of my friend to be soothing her in her lonely alienating marriage rahter than enabling a life of deceit. Bull****.

LegacyUser

I am going to play devil's advocate and ask if your hubby were to find out would his world fall apart or would it add an extra dimension to your sex life? If I found out my ex wife was having an affair with one of her female friends I would have been MASSIVELY turned on by the whole affair and would probably even want in on the action! But hey my marriage failed not because of infidelity but because our desire for each other fizzled out after the birth or our second child. I am not suggesting an open marriage but more that if you feel as though you need to look outside for sexual gratification then something is missing.

LegacyUser

im the original poster and thanks to everyone for responding,great to see the different views.turns out my husband,who i love very much,knows,,and has always known.has being dying to ask questions but waited for me to tell him.i want them both.have told both them that.so now no one is in the dark,as the poster has said above me,,husband finds it a fantastic turn on.so we shall see how it goes.thanks again everyone..

MagicMarker

inluv wrote: »

im the original poster and thanks to everyone for responding,great to see the different views.turns out my husband,who i love very much,knows,,and has always known.has being dying to ask questions but waited for me to tell him.i want them both.have told both them that.so now no one is in the dark,as the poster has said above me,,husband finds it a fantastic turn on.so we shall see how it goes.thanks again everyone..

Yeah, things will probably be dandy for a short while, but eventually one will get sick of sharing with the other.

People who love each other, don't want to share.

This will end badly. I hope your children don't find out.

Lollipops23

while it's great that your hubby didn't flip the lid, have been honest that you have actual feelings for your mate??i think pretty soon the whole "hot lesbian" thing will wear off and he'll realise that it doesn't matter that the other person is a woman, you're having your cake and eating it too. I wouldn't be celebrating just yet, give it time to sink in. BTW, what's your mate's situation?is she married?does she want a relationship or is she happy to be fck buddies?

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

Yeah, things will probably be dandy for a short while, but eventually one will get sick of sharing with the other.

People who love each other, don't want to share.

This will end badly. I hope your children don't find out.

What a completely out-dated belief system. This is a hangover from Judeo-Christian dogma or at best the kind of slushy romantic love mythos that is spoon fed to the masses through popular culture. Stop imposing your belief system on other people. If all parties are open and honest about the relationship and it doesn't hurt anyone who the heck are you to the tell OP what she should or shouldn't be doing? BTW their children don't have any right to pry into their sex life any more than anyone else does.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

What a completely out-dated belief system. This is a hangover from Judeo-Christian dogma or at best the kind of slushy romantic love mythos that is spoon fed to the masses through popular culture. Stop imposing your belief system on other people. If all parties are open and honest about the relationship and it doesn't hurt anyone who the heck are you to the tell OP what she should or shouldn't be doing? BTW their children don't have any right to pry into their sex life any more than anyone else does.

Monogamy is outdated? Wow, I think I missed that memo!

I'm sure their children (who are most likely below 18 and living at home considering the OP's age) would love to know their mother is the filling in their father's and family friend's sex sandwich! What a healthy example to set!

Sure, no one could possible get hurt in this situation, I'm sure they'll happily share sexual partners for the duration of their marriage with absolutely no problem at all! :rolleyes:

Get. A. Grip.

Trinity

This is not an uncommon arrangement for some couples, its probably just not common knowledge to family and friends so it could go on a lot more than we know.

I think open relationships can work if all concerned are happy with the arrangement but the problem i see in this particular relationship is, most people i gather would discuss this with their partner prior to sleeping with someone else and will have their blessing beforehand.

I'm sure most people dont come home and say oh by the way honey i've been shagging the neighbour for 3 years, hope thats ok. Not many partners would say yeah thats fine love.

OP here has still betrayed her husband, broken his trust. It could only be a matter of time before cracks appear in this set up when he starts to mistrust her in other areas, thinking well she did it once how do i know shes not screwing the postman, milkman etc. And thats not to insinuate the OP will has or does, its just again, you have proven to him that you can go behind his back and lie to him. You are not trustworthy any longer.

Now it could just work, but, there is the possibilty that the novelty might just wear off the husband. And hes just going along for the ride, pardon the pun. Hes possibly currently letting his willy rule his heart. Now again when this gets old he might begin to see this woman as a threat to his family, his relationship, Particularly where there is an emotional attachment. He may not want a 3 way relationship but a bit of excitement in the bedroom. How will he feel a year down the line or long term?

When this starts to interfere in his daily life, he may well put his foot down, which will be difficult for OP to handle as she has feelings for the other woman.

Either way I hopee it works out for you.

Jammyc

MagicMarker wrote: »

Monogamy is outdated? Wow, I think I missed that memo!

I'm sure their children (who are most likely below 18 and living at home considering the OP's age) would love to know their mother is the filling in their father's and family friend's sex sandwich! What a healthy example to set!

Sure, no one could possible get hurt in this situation, I'm sure they'll happily share sexual partners for the duration of their marriage with absolutely no problem at all!

Get. A. Grip.

Very much with you on that one.

It would be all well and good, had they not had a responsibility to their children as a family. I mean think of it yourself. If you, when you were younger found out your mom was fooling around with her friend. That would really mess you up. In my opinion, its a rather selfish move on the part of the parents and hope to god that the kids dont find out.

pisslips

Unregistered wrote: »

What a completely out-dated belief system. This is a hangover from Judeo-Christian dogma or at best the kind of slushy romantic love mythos that is spoon fed to the masses through popular culture. Stop imposing your belief system on other people. If all parties are open and honest about the relationship and it doesn't hurt anyone who the heck are you to the tell OP what she should or shouldn't be doing? BTW their children don't have any right to pry into their sex life any more than anyone else does.

Children aren't adults, thats why we call them children. You can't treat them like adults. They don't understand complex adult relationships.Of course it's their buissness, if you're their parent then you're the only buissness they have.I've seen some of the difficulty certain people have had who's parents treated them like adults from a very early age. Children are vunerable in every way, you teach them a responsible way to live, by example.Therefore they have to be privvy to 90% of your life.

''None of their buissness''- what are they, miniature tax collectors?

RedXIV

Unregistered wrote: »

What a completely out-dated belief system. This is a hangover from Judeo-Christian dogma or at best the kind of slushy romantic love mythos that is spoon fed to the masses through popular culture. Stop imposing your belief system on other people. If all parties are open and honest about the relationship and it doesn't hurt anyone who the heck are you to the tell OP what she should or shouldn't be doing? BTW their children don't have any right to pry into their sex life any more than anyone else does.

:eek:

Really? are you serious? You're very naive if you think no one will get hurt in that kind of love triangle, especially when the OP had to post up a message worrying about it in the first place, showing her acknowledgement of her bizarre prediciment. As MagicMarker said, someone is at some stage going to decide they don't want to share, her husband has said it was a fantasy of his but fantasy's don't last forever. This is a very delicate situation and will constantly be teethering on a knife edge.

Nevyn

Open relationships, polyweb relationships and polyamourus relationship can work for some people.

LegacyUser

I sincerely wish you, your girlfriend and your husband the best of luck.
This whole fantasy might sound exciting right now to your husband, but I think someone will inevitably get hurt in the end.
Someone will start getting jealous and it's not going to end well IMO.
I could be completely wrong though!

LegacyUser

Well open relationships can work for some people..the adults.

Just be very difficult for a child who grows up with this as a model for relationships(as kids are influenced by their parents' values)...how would said child know how to have a monogamous relationship of their own when taught that it is worth nothing?