Saw an old bully today

RoosterIllusion · 28-12-2008 4:42pm #1

Hi,

I was in the gym today and while working out I saw a guy walk in to use the free weights. He used to bully me in school (ie call me names, hit me etc etc).
I have to admit that I felt extremely angry and I really wanted to punch him. It's been about 6 years since I finished school (secondary school) and I haven't seen him since, not even once.
I recently met another guy I used to go to school with who upon seeing me approached me (in a pub), said hi and apologised for "being such an asshole in school", I took this really well and I told him that I had no issue with him.

Without trying to skip back and forth between people, I don't really want an apology from the guy, I just felt that it was gratuitous bullying at the time and I really wanted to beat the guy.
Do people normally feel this way?

For the record: I am not an aggressive person, physical violence was never something I wanted do or have done to me, I have to say I was taken aback at how angry I was though, really brought up some memories.

rosarosa · 28-12-2008 5:10pm

Hi rooster illusion....

It's pretty normal to feel angry at someone who caused misery for you in the past, I mean, I feel the same way whenever I meet a horrible ex of mine.

But the sweet thing about time is that the best revenge you will ever have is walking by that person feeling great about yourself and making them see that they are so low in your estimation they don't even register on your radar:D

Just think about how great a person you really are and remember that you are a much, much better person than that mean old bully! In fact, they did you a minor favour cos now you know you can survive and a strong enough to stare down anyone trying to pull that crazy crap on you again.

Take care, and forget about the violence, you'll only be hurting yourself.

wylo · 28-12-2008 5:31pm

OP, I experienced the exact same problem as yourself, and like you one guy even apologised. But like the other poster said, the best revenge is having your head held high. I know its the kind of advice that sounds all do-goodie etc but it actually is good practical advice.

The reason being that it is actually your form of revenge. Your stating to them that not only have you a strong enough mind that you would never let any of that sh1t get to you, but your also stating that that bully had no significance in your life whatsoever. This will make them feel low and that to me is revenge.

Its funny when your young, your told bullys are cowards and that statement means absolutely nothing however does anyone ever notice that when you grow up , all the people that were bullys are generally not very popular people in their older age. People talk about them now in a bad way, and no one has anything good to say about their character. I can pick loads in my head right now that were the tough "cool" bullys when in school, and I cannot think of one that have a significant bunch of good quality friends.

The Mighty Ken · 28-12-2008 5:31pm

If it was a long time ago, you're probably better forgetting about it. Kids can be cruel but can grow up to be decent adults. Of course, some asshole kids grow up to be asshole adults as well but I'd imagine a significant proportion of kids who bullied people in school, etc. will regret it in later life.

Untense · 28-12-2008 6:09pm

It's probably a good idea to actually deal with what's coming up for you now. Ignoring it again is definitely not the answer - you could go on another 6 years and some seemingly unrelated even in your life could trigger that same reaction in you.

What's interesting is the difference in your reaction to these two former class-mates. What happens when you recall the experiences in school, first with the guy who later apologised, then with the guy who you had that reaction to in the gym ?
Is there a difference in your reaction ? And is any difference coming from the severity of the actual experiences at the time, or is it coming from the difference in the way you currently perceive these two guys?

For all you know, the person you saw in that gym may be totally changed from when you last saw him. Who knows if he felt regret at what he did? Maybe he wanted to apologise but felt too ashamed?

But never mind him, in the end this is about you, and the volatile reaction you had when a nasty experience from your past was brought back to mind.

Find a way to drop the baggage, for your own sake.

JohnGalt · 28-12-2008 6:21pm

It is good that you showed self restraint, despite the anger you felt, you have obviously moved on as a person. Many would quickly fall back into their old mentality and confront the bully, you showed that you can control your anger (perfectly understandable anger too) and you can be proud of yourself for that. It is also important to remember that this guy did bully you in school, which would suggest that he was somewhat dominant to you then, and who is to say that he would not have dominated you again if you confronted him? I think you made a wise choice.

Acacia · 28-12-2008 6:34pm

Hi there,

I can understand where you're coming from alright, and I think it's perfectly natural to feel resentment towards somebody who used to bully you. I still live in the same town with a couple of people who used to give me a hard time in school. I sometimes see them around and though I wouldn't want to hurt them ( I'm not really an aggressive person

), I feel angry/hurt when I see them sometimes. Thankfully, that feeling doesn't last too long as I remember that I'm the bigger person. There is no better feeling than walking past them with my head held high, knowing that I have a (pretty) good life, am happy and have people who care about me.

I know it's different for every person who is a victim of bullying. For me, I think it actually made me stronger (not to sound too clichéd!), but yeah, I understand that you feel angry towards this guy, don't worry, it's normal.

Hope I've helped in some way. At least you know you're not the only one who feels this way.

RugbyFanatic · 28-12-2008 8:43pm

In my eyes only weak individuals allow themselves to get bullied in the first place

Overheal · 28-12-2008 8:47pm

Another discussion for the Humanities Forum.

Keep exercising that self-restraint rooster - you are at the gym after all.

DenMan · 28-12-2008 8:48pm

Don't give it a second though OP. Move on. I was an in-between in school. A loner for the most parts. Country people kept away from me and those from the town were afraid of me (a Dub in Sligo). I did my own thing. Don't worry about it, it's ancient history now. No point in bringing up an old and irrelevant past between you and him. Keep it buried.

RxQueen · 28-12-2008 8:56pm

wow that just brilliant advice.... seriously ever hear of the saying " if you dont have anything good to say..."

Op its perfecctably normal to feel like that, i have them feelings even when i think of certain people dont even have to see them to feel like that, but it was your first time seeing the guy since then , next time you see him wont be as bad... like others said best revenge is to get on with your life and hold your head up high.. you dont need an apoligy(sp) from him, cause if he didnt change as a person then you know it wont mean sfa... move on and you'll be stronger in the end of the day from the experience

Tony Broke · 28-12-2008 9:02pm

It must be really tempting to go Mike Tyson on his ass and I dont think anyone could blame you if you did, but I dont think you should.If he does approach you and gives you any bit of lip, go for it though.

RxQueen · 28-12-2008 9:10pm

dont just walk away , dont rise to the bait

Tomk1 · 28-12-2008 9:12pm

Reminds me of a kid that was being bullied in America, one day he had enough and shot them, so Rugby, the strenght of self restraint of "weak individuals" as you call them should be admired.

LegacyUser · 28-12-2008 9:16pm

How ridiculous! So if someone beats you up in school it's all your own fault?
Will you get a grip!

A Primal Nut · 28-12-2008 9:31pm

But its normal to be weak in your teenage years - plenty of people have self-esteem or confidence issues in that time and find it hard to stand up to bullies. A lot of others suffer from Autism and find it difficult to interact socially. The OP also mentions that the guy hit him so perhaps he was also weak physically which definitely isn't his fault. Criticising some one for being weak in their teenage years is a bit unfair tbh.

Sephiroth_dude · 28-12-2008 10:15pm

Im Guessing he did'nt come over and apoligize to you or anything did he?

dudara · 28-12-2008 10:17pm

RugbyFanatic

Helpful comments please. If you have nothing constructive to offer, then please refrain from posting.

dudara

28-12-2008 11:30pm

Utter rubbish. You can choose not to let the comments hurt you, but you can't stop someone picking on you.

My advice is to just do nothing, don't react. Whenever I see someone in town who was horrible to me/my mates, I just completely blank them and forget about them 10 seconds later. If you say something, you'll show them they still have power over you and you are still affected by the bullying, which is the last thing you want. People who bully are usually pathetic themselves, IMO. I saw two girls who used to be nasty to me in school when I was in a coffee shop a few days ago. I saw them pointing at me and I just smiled at them and carried on as normal. If anything, I felt a bit sorry for them. I've achieved so much since I left school, went to college, lived in different places, met so many interesting people, and these saddos are still hanging around this small town together, b*tching about people they were in school with 5 years ago. Why even give them a second glance?

JimmyCrackCorn! · 29-12-2008 12:22am

-edit-

M.T · 29-12-2008 12:22am

In fairness to Rugbyfanatic studies have shown what he has said to be correct, even if it didn't fit into the correct answer to the OP.

Why did the other guy apologise? Why was he an arsehole to you? Were others arseholes to you?

But OP to answer your question, yes it is OK to have the urge to kick the living sh1t out of those who hurt you in the past. It is just an urge though and well done on not acting it out. It shows good strength of character.

The past is the past.

Kirnsy · 29-12-2008 2:58am

in fairness what rugby fanatic said was bullsh1t. he's making out as if they have some sort of choice and that they just 'allow' it. sounds like trolling to me.

in relation to the OP fair play for not responding. imagine the shame your man must have felt when he saw you.

Gemini Sister · 29-12-2008 12:25pm

In fairness counsellors who work with bullying divide victims into two types - those who are picked on for being vulnerable and those who are picked for standing up for themselves when picked on. Often a kid who becomes a longterm bullying victim is the one who does stand up for himself despite being 'weaker' and thus invites more bullying/isolation. Look it up.

Also if you'll talk to the professionals they'll tell you that bullying is ubiquitous. Groups of kids seem to 'need' roles fills - be it the leader or the 'weak kid' who's bullied. Then through in family factors - some parents say hit back, others say rise above.... well it just isnt as simply as rugby fanatic's 'studies' suggest.

I was bullied too. And I'm out of school a lot longer than 6 years. Now I realise it is different for guys cause you have the physical side to deal with but.... funnily enough I never recognise anyone from school but they always seem to recognise me. Could it be because in all the years they've been hanging around the small town turning barrel shaped from pumping out babies and gone all bitter in the face from c*ap jobs, ugly men and ever decreasing horizons? - While I'm still svelte and attractive (to their husbands) from world travelling and the great wardrobe my powerful job affords me? Sorry to gloat, but us 'weaker' people have to have our moments.... I'd never gloat to their faces... I don't need to

Oh and another thing: people do get nicer as they get older. And the facts of your life will speak for themselves.

As confucious says: if you're going after revenge, dig two graves.

p1akuw47h5r3it · 29-12-2008 4:24pm

Dumass

Firetrap · 29-12-2008 4:26pm

Yes, I know where you're coming from. I was shopping a few months ago and saw someone who did something to hurt our family in the past. I wanted to ram him with my trolley but didn't, figuring that it would achieve nothing and just cause trouble. I'm sure you, the OP, are a much better person than the bully you saw.

29-12-2008 6:07pm

well in my eyes, its that type of thinking that justifies's bullying behavior. kindly grow up. the fact that the OP is now living a healthy normal life (taking up activities like going to the gym, etc) suggests that he is a very strong person as opposed to someone who became obsessed with revenge.

LegacyUser · 29-12-2008 9:37pm

If he does come over to you and you feel he still has the attitude - pretend you don't know him or remember him. He is now so far down, cause even though he thought he was a "hard man" years ago, it got him nowhere. Must kill a55holes like that to realise that you've moved on to bigger and better things and they haven't.

Gadfly · 31-12-2008 10:57pm

When I was in counseling the counselor asked was I ever bullied and I as a kid and I said yes. He went into another room and brought out an old broken fishing rod and a chair. He said hit the chair hard and at the same time say out loud the persons name who bullied me and that I was hurt by this. Needless to say I felt like and idiot and started laughing. He kept telling me to hit the chair with the rod. By the fifth strike I was in tears. I was nine at the time of the bullying and it had this unconsciouses effect on me all these years later. That same bully was my cousin! IMHO it never really goes away. I had suppressed it all this time. This is just my personal experience.

31-12-2008 11:47pm

i got a bit of slagging myself as a kid. Id have prob called out 200 names and 1000 instances if your counselor had said that to me.The one thing i comfort myself with is that some of the bullies who had to grow up with responsibilities and live a normal life must feel like right tits now and the ones that don't have any conscience or responsibilities need help. Personally i think the most awful thing about bullying is that the whole experience is so degrading you feel like you've done something wrong to these people but i now know that im a good natured person who lives a normal life and because of this a few unhappy sickos thought to make my life as messed up as their own. jealousy maybe. seriously morons are not worth the bother

LegacyUser · 01-01-2009 3:00am

Defeat your enemies with success

Saw an old bully today

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