Not attracted to girlfriend...

LegacyUser

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation.
I've been seeing my girlfriend for less than year now and we get on great but the problem is I don't really feel that attracted to her. I know I'm being shallow but I don't know what to do. She's such a great person and i wish i could get over this but I don't feel a spark. Any advice?

dudara

If you don't feel attracted to her, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with her. It's not fair (to both you and her) to continue in this fashion.

impr0v

What do you need advice for? Man up and take action, some pain now will be better for you both in the long run.

token56

I was the same as you, had been going out with my girlfriend for a year but I just didn't find her attractive anymore even though I cared a great deal for her. It wasn't fair on her so I ended to the relationship, it caused alot of hurt for both her and myself but that is inevitable whenever a relationship is ending. Good news is she eventually got over it as would your girlfriend and is now very happy with someone else which is perfect because all I wanted was for her to be happy.
In my opinion the longer you let the relationship go on the harder it will be, you should just be straight out with her and tell her exactly how you feel, suppose it was the other way around I imagine you would want to know.

Miss Fluff

Time to call it quits my friend and go your separate ways. You can't force or feign attraction, there is either a spark or there's not and if there's not then there is no point in being anything other than friends tbh.

Zebra3

OP,

You have to be cruel to be kind, so dump her. Not fair on her to be stuck with someone who isn't into her. Let her find someone who is.

Zulu

how old are you op?
Attraction can wain in long term relationships.
Thats why there is work and effort involved. If you love her, perhaps thats worth considering?

Or of course, you could dump her and move on. Hopefully you won't run into this problem in the next long term relationship you get involved in.

JohnGalt

You should let her down gently "Looks aren't everything, but they are important to me" I would try to emphasize the fact that there are other males who might not have a problem with her looks. Good look with the break up

LegacyUser

I`m in this situation from the other side I`m married to the guy he just wouldn`t let me go and I love him so much. I wish early on he had said goodbye and maybe I would be happy now with someone who really is attracted to me it is important and it is a big issue. Hurt her now and save her pain later.

vibrant

JohnGalt wrote: »

You should let her down gently "Looks aren't everything, but they are important to me" I would try to emphasize the fact that there are other males who might not have a problem with her looks. Good look with the break up

Oh wow, the girl could REALLY take that line hard though. I mean, getting ditched isn't exactly nice, but if she knew that her appearance was one of the reasons she was getting ditched - well, it could play on her mind an awful lot. I would say that this would be one occasion where telling a lie is necessary - please don't tell her that you're not attracted to her. Potentially, you're giving her and her friends a lot of ammunition to call you every name under the sun whenever the topic of the breakup comes up! Just say that you feel differently about her, but don't get into the looks aspect of things if you can help it.
Best of luck.

SW81

Jesus DO NOT tell her you're breaking up with her because you don't find her attractive. I know you don't want to lie to her but do you have any idea what that would do to the majority of people to be told that??? Please don't put it that way, just say you don't think you click. I feel for your girlfriend, if I thought my boyfriend didn't fancy me I'd crumble in to pieces, what's the point in being with her? You're nothing more than friends in your mind if that's the case.

Good luck with breaking it off with her but please don't say it's because you're not attracted to her, things are going to suck enough when you dump her without her thinking she's ugly being an extra factor.

marti101

Zulu wrote: »

how old are you op?
Attraction can wain in long term relationships.
Thats why there is work and effort involved. If you love her, perhaps thats worth considering?

Or of course, you could dump her and move on. Hopefully you won't run into this problem in the next long term relationship you get involved in.

Tbh i wouldnt call ayear old relationship to be longterm.Call it quits now before other stuff gets in the way ie kids ,weddings etc.Igf you dont fancy her theres no harm in that but to lead her on would be.Finiosh it and be happy.Lifes to short to be with someone you dont love.

RugbyFanatic

JohnGalt wrote: »

You should let her down gently "Looks aren't everything, but they are important to me" I would try to emphasize the fact that there are other males who might not have a problem with her looks. Good look with the break up

jesus christ you don't know women well at all do you??

OP, do NOT tell her its to do with her looks, ever

JohnGalt

RugbyFanatic wrote: »

jesus christ you don't know women well at all do you??

OP, do NOT tell her its to do with her looks, ever

You don't know life well do you? One can't improve on the truth

JohnGalt

SW81 wrote: »

Jesus DO NOT tell her you're breaking up with her because you don't find her attractive. I know you don't want to lie to her but do you have any idea what that would do to the majority of people to be told that??? Please don't put it that way, just say you don't think you click. I feel for your girlfriend, if I thought my boyfriend didn't fancy me I'd crumble in to pieces, what's the point in being with her? You're nothing more than friends in your mind if that's the case.

Good luck with breaking it off with her but please don't say it's because you're not attracted to her, things are going to suck enough when you dump her without her thinking she's ugly being an extra factor.

I would at least give her the respect of being honest, thats pretty basic

Shelli

Please please please do not tell her it's her looks.....I've been there and it's the most degrading confidence shattering thing you could do to her.

If she still loves you she will hold out hope that if she can change herself enough for you to fancy her then there's still a chance, which can lead to extreme dieting etc.

I know, I've been there and you can potentially ruin her life by telling her this...........just be gentle and sensitive when breaking up with her.

Yes honesty is good, but not to the point of cruelty.

JohnGalt

Shelli wrote: »

Please please please do not tell her it's her looks.....I've been there and it's the most degrading confidence shattering thing you could do to her.

If she still loves you she will hold out hope that if she can change herself enough for you to fancy her then there's still a chance, which can lead to extreme dieting etc.

I know, I've been there and you can potentially ruin her life by telling her this...........just be gentle and sensitive when breaking up with her.

Yes honesty is good, but not to the point of cruelty.

All I am saying is that if I were in a relationship and it a girl ended it and told me it was because of my looks I would really respect her honesty and I think it would make me feel a lot better in that she was mature and up front with me and dealt with it in an adult manner

Shelli

JohnGalt wrote: »

All I am saying is that if I were in a relationship and it a girl ended it and told me it was because of my looks I would really respect her honesty and I think it would make me feel a lot better in that she was mature and up front with me and dealt with it in an adult manner

I completely disagree, and I think you've really have to be in that situation to have any idea what your reaction could possibly be....

if you spend years of your life with someone you love and adore, plan your whole future around this person, and all of a sudden your being dumped because they don't find you attractive anymore???? Serisouly, what do you think that can do to a persons self esteem....do you really think you be able to say...Hey, thanks be being honest, i'm totally ok with that, and just move on with no damange to how you feel about yourself?

Now I know that every break up takes it's toll, and that she's going to be upset anyway, but at least when she eventually starts to get over it she'll still feel like she's able to attract a man!

JohnGalt

Shelli wrote: »

I completely disagree, and I think you've really have to be in that situation to have any idea what your reaction could possibly be....

if you spend years of your life with someone you love and adore, plan your whole future around this person, and all of a sudden your being dumped because they don't find you attractive anymore???? Serisouly, what do you think that can do to a persons self esteem....do you really think you be able to say...Hey, thanks be being honest, i'm totally ok with that, and just move on with no damange to how you feel about yourself?

Now I know that every break up takes it's toll, and that she's going to be upset anyway, but at least when she eventually starts to get over it she'll still feel like she's able to attract a man!

It might hurt for a while but soon you would realise the maturity of the person you are dealing with, not to mention their honesty, and you would have a lot of respect for them. The whole thing would go down a lot more easily in the long run, and would be better for both

Karen_*

Mr. Shallow wrote: »

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation.
I've been seeing my girlfriend for less than year now and we get on great but the problem is I don't really feel that attracted to her. I know I'm being shallow but I don't know what to do. She's such a great person and i wish i could get over this but I don't feel a spark. Any advice?

Yes, break it off. I wouldn't want someone to stay with me who wasn't attracted to me. I'd rather go through a break up than be not good enough.

Con.

All i can say is move on, out of respect for both of you.

i was in a similiar situation a few months back. hurt like hell for my gf and me at the time. but i needed to give her a proper chance to be happy and that meant not being with me. i feel its fair you both should have the chance to move on if you feel this way.

good luck

cc-offe

Don't even think about saying you are not attracted to her........notice its only one guy suggesting that, trust the women's opinion, we know!
You would destroy her self esteem if you said that to her, seriously, its one thing being told somebody isnt attracted to you and another being told by someone who you have been in a proper relationship with that they're not attracted to you

JohnGalt

cc-offe wrote: »

Don't even think about saying you are not attracted to her........notice its only one guy suggesting that, trust the women's opinion, we know!
You would destroy her self esteem if you said that to her, seriously, its one thing being told somebody isnt attracted to you and another being told by someone who you have been in a proper relationship with that they're not attracted to you

No it would improve her self esteem because she would realise that you had enough respect for her to tell her the truth. It may hurt short term but in the long run it would be better for her.

cc-offe

you can't be serious?? that would not improve someones self esteem, every woman who has responded is saying not to do that, that would be one of the worst possible things to say to a woman

Con.

JohnGalt wrote: »

No it would improve her self esteem because she would realise that you had enough respect for her to tell her the truth. It may hurt short term but in the long run it would be better for her.

hi John,
alot of people might not believe they are being told that out of respect and may take it the wrong way, more than likely as far as im concerned. possibly could set them in a downward spiral.
but thats just my opinion. i suppose different people & different situations = different responses.

Sangre

JohnGalt wrote: »

No it would improve her self esteem because she would realise that you had enough respect for her to tell her the truth. It may hurt short term but in the long run it would be better for her.

because breaking up with someone and telling them its because they're not attractive enough always comes from an honest, truthful place? i'd say no one has ever said it out of spite.

JohnGalt

Sangre wrote: »

because breaking up with someone and telling them its because they're not attractive enough always comes from an honest, truthful place? i'd say no one has ever said it out of spite.

Ah but it is important that it is said in the right way. You can't just say "look, you are too ugly, I can't stand to be around you anymore." I would say something like "You are very important to me, you are a valuable person in my life, but don't think we are made for each other. When two people are perfect for each they just click, emotionally intellectual and physically. We are lacking the latter, but that doesn't degrade the former one iota". She would understand and respect me.

cc-offe

its obvious you are just taking the *beep*.

Katie186

JohnGalt wrote: »

It might hurt for a while but soon you would realise the maturity of the person you are dealing with, not to mention their honesty, and you would have a lot of respect for them. The whole thing would go down a lot more easily in the long run, and would be better for both

WOW... Well if your title didn't give you away your words would definitely prove you were in some way part of the male species! Two guesses... either you've never had a relationship or else your a shrink who is feeling the pinch of the economy and need more patients!

This type of thing could lead people to drugs, alcoholism, depression and worst of all suicide! So next time you need to break it off with a girl think carefully about the words you choose before you attempt to destroy her life! Some women are strong and fair play to them but alot of women aren't that well composed in situations like that!

And to the man with the problem!!!... There's an age old saying... you don't know what :mad: got until it's gone... let her go and see how you feel... If you feel you need / miss her and want her back then take things slow and try again! God loves a trier and never shut a door completely!

Katie186

JohnGalt wrote: »

Ah but it is important that it is said in the right way. You can't just say "look, you are too ugly, I can't stand to be around you anymore." I would say something like "You are very important to me, you are a valuable person in my life, but don't think we are made for each other. When two people are perfect for each they just click, emotionally intellectual and physically. We are lacking the latter, but that doesn't degrade the former one iota". She would understand and respect me.

You obviously don't value your package or your need to have kids! cus i'd have certainly smacked you where the sun don't shine... You wanna hope when you break up with your "ugly girlfriend" she isn't wearing heels and also have 999 on speed-dial as-well!

LegacyUser

A quote from another post I found that u might find interesting and ponder on.....

"all i'm saying is - attraction is related to the external and superficial part. if you like this girl every other way, try and work it out with her. finding a girl you're attracted to / infatuated with is easy. finding a great girl to spend the rest of your life with isn't."

I am/was in a similar situation as u. And most of what I read on advice was to "leave her! leave her!" But after reading a post that ended with the quotes above.....gave me smth else to think about. Hope it helps u too.

The Mighty Ken

OP - Do NOT listen to JohnGalt's advice. It's really terrible, socially retarded advice and you can be sure that nobody will see you as being a decent, honest bloke as a result. More likely people will look at you as cruel, arrogant and insensitive.

Wibbs

JohnGalt wrote: »

No it would improve her self esteem because she would realise that you had enough respect for her to tell her the truth. It may hurt short term but in the long run it would be better for her.

Either you are extracting the urine or you have not one clue about women, or indeed people. You're viewing this in a detached way, so yes getting constructive advice from someone is fine, but not in the emotional upheaval of a relationship split. You are being rejected by the person you felt would never reject you. No amount of "logic" will negate that feeling of rejection.

Always being "honest" is often a bad plan and usually used as an excuse for boorishness or point scoring. We lie/sugar coat the truth everyday as part of our interactions as a social animal. There are extremes, one where people lie all the time to themselves and others(the most common one) and the other extreme of being "honest" all the time. The latter I've only observed in the most socially crippled self centered people(usually from my own gender).

OP in this case sugar coat this pill. Lie to her. Do NOT tell her it's about her looks. What will it serve? It will only add to her pain of rejection. Women's self esteem is far more based on their looks than mens. We could debate the reasons until the cows come home, but there it is. To hit her with that at a time like this would be daft, cruel and utterly pointless.

trowelled

Ok so physical attraction isn't the most important part of a relationship but there should be some physical attraction. If the spark's not there, it's not there and better to end it now than further down the line. You only have one life and there's no point wating her time or yours. Let her down gently but under no circumstances should you tell her it's to do with her looks. As Wibbs said sugar coat the truth, no sense causing her further pain and anguish!!

Jammyc

RugbyFanatic wrote: »

jesus christ you don't know women well at all do you??

OP, do NOT tell her its to do with her looks, ever

Indeed.
Bad enough to be dumped but to be told its because they dont find you good looking. Wow tough break...

MIN2511

OP, how would you feel if the tables were turned?

Julesie

If I remember correctly John Galt had a thread not so long ago about wanting to tell his female friend that she was ugly and that it may be affecting her success with men.

I most definitely would not follow his advice. By all means do the right thing and end the relationship if you are feeling this way within the first year but don't tell her it's because you find her physically unattractive.

JohnGalt

Katie186 wrote: »

You obviously don't value your package or your need to have kids! cus i'd have certainly smacked you where the sun don't shine... You wanna hope when you break up with your "ugly girlfriend" she isn't wearing heels and also have 999 on speed-dial as-well!

It may come as a shock to you that there are people out there who can solve problems without the use of violence, but perhaps you lack the self control, thats your problem.

The shock that her confidence may take would be far outweighted by the benefits her confidence would later gain by the being safe in the knowledge that the guy felt she was worthy of the the truth and an adult approach to the situation. Confidence involves more than body image, in case you didn't know

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

I suppose it is best to end it. She is one of the nicest people I've ever met and she deserves to be happy, so it's not fair if I feel this way.

There is no way I would ever mention looks as a reason for breaking up with anybody by the way.

implausible

Good luck OP. You sound like a decent guy who is emotionally intelligent enough not to take johngalt's advice.

JohnGalt

Mr. Shallow wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.

I suppose it is best to end it. She is one of the nicest people I've ever met and she deserves to be happy, so it's not fair if I feel this way.

There is no way I would ever mention looks as a reason for breaking up with anybody by the way.

She deserves the respect of the being told the truth, give her that at least...

Silverfish

JohnGalt, you've made your feelings clearly known on this, the OP, and other posters, have clearly said this is a bad idea.

You've made your point.

JohnGalt

Silverfish wrote: »

JohnGalt, you've made your feelings clearly known on this, the OP, and other posters, have clearly said this is a bad idea.

You've made your point.

Of, fair enough, but I am right and you are all wrong

gregoryp

Again, probably not what you want to hear but to follow the theme, best end it. In my experience, (and just speaking for myself) looks become less of the attraction as a relationship matures but without this in the early years and to feel the way you do at this stage we'll, if it just doesn't feel right it probably is'nt. She probably won't be long reading you either. No need to scar her with the truth - perhaps that you just don't feel that there's the spark there should be might be the way to go.

Best of Luck

Jammyc

Mr. Shallow wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.

I suppose it is best to end it. She is one of the nicest people I've ever met and she deserves to be happy, so it's not fair if I feel this way.

There is no way I would ever mention looks as a reason for breaking up with anybody by the way.

Best of luck. Look after yourself too. Remember you're going to be single now too, so you need a bit of comfort aswell.