Wants more from marriage

LegacyUser

Hi, I was just wondering if there were more people like me out there?

I'm married with a while, have 2 teenage kids, and I've never felt lonelier.

My wife is very good looking and is quite a clever woman. We don't have sex very often anymore, although we both say we want it a lot but it never really happens. We are apart quite a bit due to work sometimes. And I feel so lonely at times even when we are actually together.

We tried separating for a while but that only distressed our kids and ourselves so we got back together.

Lately I'm thinking of having an affair but don't really know how to start one. I really wouldn't like to tangle up a third party in this but would love to feel needed in a relationship again.

Is this normal? Are there others like me? I'm in my early 40's but don't really consider myself in a mid-life crisis, just a mid-marriage crisis probably!

Help!

samhail

I am far from someone to take advice from... but have you considered marriage counciling atall ?
or try and book a nice long holiday for just the pair of ye. It will help both personally and professionally in the long run with both of ye being happier ?

LegacyUser

Speaking from personal experience, I had a brief affair with a man in a similar situation to you knowing that it was meant to be a "bit of fun" but I fell for him big time and had to end it because it was going nowhere for me. I was devastated. I avoided contact with him for 2 years - he got in touch again recently - his marriage broke down as his wife cheated on him. I think for you - either make your marriage work or both of you move on - the kids will get over it if you split amicably but if you are caught having a fling, it won't be amicable and your kids will be even more damaged. Please think about it.

LegacyUser

samhail wrote: »

I am far from someone to take advice from... but have you considered marriage counciling atall ?
or try and book a nice long holiday for just the pair of ye. It will help both personally and professionally in the long run with both of ye being happier ?

We did take a couple short breaks away together this year. A long holiday is difficult to organise people to look after the kids...

Funnily enough we tried marriage counseling and then we decided to try separating...

My wife says she is happy when I discuss how I feel. I guess I gloss over my deep down true feelings though and make light of how lonely I get. We don't really share any hobbies either - she likes TV, I prefer the pc, she reads light romance books, I read autobiographies. Maybe I should try to get into Fair City and Coronation St!

metrovelvet

StupidMan wrote: »

My wife says she is happy when I discuss how I feel. I guess I gloss over my deep down true feelings though and make light of how lonely I get. We don't really share any hobbies either - she likes TV, I prefer the pc, she reads light romance books, I read autobiographies. Maybe I should try to get into Fair City and Coronation St!

Sounds like you lost touch if you are not sharing your feelings with her. Maybe if you communicated with her a little more you might feel closer to her? Do you know why you don't speak to her about it? Are you afraid of her reaction? Do you not trust her? Does she respond in a way that inhibits you?

I dont think you have to have everything in common to be close to someone but it can make you feel like you dont share a language.

LegacyUser

Debbbbbb wrote: »

Speaking from personal experience, I had a brief affair with a man in a similar situation to you knowing that it was meant to be a "bit of fun" but I fell for him big time and had to end it because it was going nowhere for me. I was devastated. I avoided contact with him for 2 years - he got in touch again recently - his marriage broke down as his wife cheated on him. I think for you - either make your marriage work or both of you move on - the kids will get over it if you split amicably but if you are caught having a fling, it won't be amicable and your kids will be even more damaged. Please think about it.

Thanks for that Debbbbbb. That's what I was wondering about involving someone else. I'd hate to mess up someone else's life just to make me happier. Maybe a split is inevitable but I do love my wife and she says she loves me. My wife is away at the moment, maybe it's just the whole Christmas time makes it difficult to cope with being apart. I know when she comes back things will be OK for a couple days before I'll feel lonely again.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

Sounds like you lost touch if you are not sharing your feelings with her. Maybe if you communicated with her a little more you might feel closer to her? Do you know why you don't speak to her about it? Are you afraid of her reaction? Do you not trust her? Does she respond in a way that inhibits you?

I dont think you have to have everything in common to be close to someone but it can make you feel like you dont share a language.

OK - you might have hit the nail on the head there. Maybe I do make light of my feelings with her because I'm afraid of her reaction. (I might be afraid of my own feelings and reactions too - does that make sense?)

I'll sleep on it as I've a few days before she's home again. It's reassuring to get positive advice here, and nice that I can remain anonymous. Sorry for being needy btw. Many thanks.

jinxycat

i really feel for you, it must be hard being in that situation. fella's find it hard to share their feelings with people but i bet you your wife would be more happy to talk about things. i'd advise not to start a fling, speaking from personal experiences from a child's point of view.

when i was 13 my mum had a fling and i seen what it did to my dad, it was hard watching him go through it and it was hard on me and my bro also. i would have gotten over it quicker if my parents just ended their relationship, but knowing my mum had a fling and then left with this man shattered us. it took me aong time to get over it, a few yrs tbh. to this day i still haven't seen my mum and that's almost 12 yrs now.

i've forgiven her for it, but it's been so long that i don't know how to rebuild the relationship or she'd even see us again.

by talking to each other maybe you could sort things out with your wife or end it more positively than the hearth ache of a fling. best of luck and hope things work out for you.

evercloserunion

For God's sake don't cheat on your wife. Now I'm young and have never been married so I'd be the last one to give marital advice but cheating is not the answer. Though you may be going through a rough patch, if you're married then I'm sure you have feelings for each other and I'm sure she'd be devastated if she knew her husband was going behind her back to fcuk another woman.

Grow some balls and talk to your wife about it. Give counselling another shot, or get some other form of professional help. Anything. There are many many courses of action which are less destructive than ****ing around, breaking your wife's heart and destroying your kids.

metrovelvet

StupidMan wrote: »

OK - you might have hit the nail on the head there. Maybe I do make light of my feelings with her because I'm afraid of her reaction. (I might be afraid of my own feelings and reactions too - does that make sense?)
.

Of course it makes sense, that is most likely what you are most afraid of, your own feelings. Feelings that threaten the paradigms we live in force us to change and change can be difficult to negotiate. You are probably afraid to admit you are lonely because we are told in a marriage you are not supposed to feel that way and if you do then there is something wrong with the marriage. Are you afraid to tell your wife you feel redundant?

Well, there is something wrong if you are thinking about an affair but nothing that isnt manageable at present. If you start an affair, you will be even lonlier because you will be forced to lie, and liars are very lonely people, not because they dont have friends and lovers but because they dont allow anyone to know who they really are, and you will lead yourself to a place that is unmanageable and perhaps destroy your marriage.

Tell your wife how you feel. Start with that and take it with baby steps.

Esel

StupidMan wrote: »

We don't really share any hobbies either - she likes TV

Get a laptop and a wireless router. That way you can both be in the same room. You'd be surprised at the difference that could make.

Having, or trying to have, an affair is a very bad idea.

pfishfood

Lad you really should not cheat as that typically lead to the end of things. The vibe im getting from your posts is that you really want this to work so ending it is not the desired effect. Counseling and spending time together would help although you'd want to find a good councilor as there are plenty of bad ones out there. Being honest with her about your feelings is always a good start. Ive heard that taking up a hobby together can work for some couples, its just a case of making the time for these things what with work and kids. But at the end of the day whats more important?

jujubee

I know exactly how you feel. I love my husband, but sometimes I wish I could be single just to check out the single life.

I think that anything I have to say would be talked away by others, and I don't have the life in me to argue...... but yes, I know how you feel............

LegacyUser

Hi I was married to a man who was lonely too. He had an affair and left me for her. He's not happy cos a long time after he became "lonely" with her too. In many ways he was and still is a good person but I will NEVER take him back even though for the first months I begged him to come back. PLEASE do NOT have an affair, my advice is to find out why you feel so lonely...talk to a counsellor. It's not your wife's job to fill up your loneliness, if she's a good woman then you are a very lucky man and you won't find that again.

Also please remember that your wife is still young enough to find hubby no.2....I did and I was 42.

LegacyUser

OK, it looks like the worst thing I can do is start an affair, I don't want to break my wife's or kids hearts. I'll get some form of dialogue going when my wife comes home again and see if she is open to taking on counselling with me.

Getting a wireless router does sound like a good idea! I hadn't thought of that tbh! At least being in the same room is better than nothing, I might be able to pull her over to the internet. (God forbid I get addicted to soaps or I'll be back here to complain!)

I do appreciate the help here. Mine is a relatively trivial issue. I was exposed to a far nastier situation earlier today that made me realise how tough others have got it.

I'm lonely but I have a lot going for me and my marriage.

thanks and good wishes.

LegacyUser

jujubee wrote: »

I know exactly how you feel. I love my husband, but sometimes I wish I could be single just to check out the single life.

I think that anything I have to say would be talked away by others, and I don't have the life in me to argue...... but yes, I know how you feel............

Thank you for your response Jujubee, I can see how the single life appeals. There seems to be a very strong argument here for not doing anything else but talking things out with the OH, but it's difficult isn't it? What's your situation?

mmmdee

Hi, I decided to register an account here.

Many thanks for the replies to my issue. It looks like I'd better sit down and talk things through with my wife and suggest counseling. I like the suggestion of taking a wireless laptop into the TV area - If I get addicted to Coronation Street I'll be back with new problems!!!

jinxycat

hiya OP, it's not that there's a strong argument to sort things out with your wife, it's more not to have an affair.
if you can sort things out, all well and good but if you still feel the same maybe being apart is better for both of you.

i just meant don't have a fling to sort things out,]or end on bad terms, if you need to end it do it on good terms so there's no hard feelings over it.

it's easier to get over a separation than a fling that caused a separation.

i do wish you all the best of luck with whatever you choose cause no one deserves to feel lonely. i know it's more lonely when you feel like that when your with someone than actually being alone.

mmmdee

jinxycat wrote: »

hiya OP, it's not that there's a strong argument to sort things out with your wife, it's more not to have an affair.
if you can sort things out, all well and good but if you still feel the same maybe being apart is better for both of you.

i just meant don't have a fling to sort things out,]or end on bad terms, if you need to end it do it on good terms so there's no hard feelings over it.

it's easier to get over a separation than a fling that caused a separation.

i do wish you all the best of luck with whatever you choose cause no one deserves to feel lonely. i know it's more lonely when you feel like that when your with someone than actually being alone.

Thank you for that, my wife is home again now so for he next few days at least we can talk things through. I do realise that having a fling is not the most sensible thing to do, however when I see others having an affair I thought maybe I'm missing out, and that's how others cope! I'm thinking the glamorous side of it appeals.

Happy (almost) New Year Everyone!