If you truly love someone, is it possible to ever let them go?

LegacyUser

If you truly love someone, is it possible to ever let them go?

I broke up with my girlfriend a while back and we talked for a while but she doesn't want the relationship anymore and wants to be single and doesn't want me to contact her or see me so that she can get over me.

I love her and have tried everything to win her back but she just wont listen and isn't interested. She says she will meet up with me someday and that she would like us to be friends in the future but I just can't accept that it's over.

I have few friends and few things in my life to turn too and she has left a massive void in my life. We did everything together. I felt so alone this christmas and the highlight was a text from her to wish me a merry christmas. She sounds like she had a great one, I had a terrible one, worst one of my life.

It's been almost a month since we broke up and I'm only getting worse, not better. She is all I think about, first thing when I wake up I grab my phone incase she texted me.

I can't even escape her in my sleep, as I dream about her every night.

I need to drink now so that I can sleep, otherwise I'll lay there all night thinking about her.

I cry occasionaly thinking about her and regret pushing her away so much and would do anything to win her back.

I can't see myself ever getting over this and I have such a small social circle it is unlikely I will ever meet anybody again. Not that I want to. I want her. I'm mid 20's.

This pain doesn't seem like it will ever end. I think it's cruel that she has refused to see me or listen to me and I am growing bitter over that. I don't think she loves me anymore.

Life means nothing to me now and nobody means anything to me. I've met a couple of girls since, as I've been really trying, just to meet them really, have someone to text, not hook up, but I feel nothing towards them and I can't face the task of trying to start again with relationships etc.

We were together almost 3 years.

She will probably go travelling next year and it's only a matter of time before she hooks up with another guy, and once that happens I could never go back. If there is any way I can save this then it needs to be soon.

My last course of action is to not contact her for maybe a month then see if she will meet up. If she wont, then I'm finished and I'm afraid leaving it too long will mean her feelings for me will have weakend to the extent that she wont be tempted to come back. I think that's what she's waiting for and there is nothing I can do about it. I'll wait it out and pray that she'll see me soon, as it's like it's all I'm waiting around for.

I love her, I've lost her, this is the most fu*ked up experience of my life and I feel like a part of me has died. I don't know what to do...

MagicMarker

You can only start to let someone go when you accept that it's over, you haven't come close to that.

I'm sorry man, but she's made her decision. It may seem cruel for her to have cut contact, but in the future you'll understand why she did. You need to stop waiting for her and just work towards forgetting about her. Easier said than done, but it will happen...eventually.

I was there before, 6 years ago, and believe me, the pain diminishes over time. I've never truly gotten over her yet, but I have stopped thinking about her. Keep an eye on that drinking habit. That caught me for a while. You have to realise, that there is more to life. I'm quite bitter about the time I wasted in my early 20's pining for her. Instead of going out and having fun. I don't know if this is any good, but if this is affecting your life a lot, may I thoroughly recommend a relationship counsellor? They're great on getting to the roots of problems so you can move forward in life.
Best of luck,
Bar.

Love Blosomed,
Love Cursed,
Love Died,
Love Thirst.

I still have to finish that poem myself

Firetrap

Ah you poor thing. The first thing you need to do is to accept that she's not coming back. You won't thank her for this now but she did a wise thing by cutting contact with you. Don't start looking into a future without her. Live in the here and now and get into the habit of living your life without her. It's a hackneyed saying but time is a healer.

The stuff about her going travelling and meeting someone else is not your problem. She's no longer your girlfriend and she's free to do what she wants. Sadly, you can't make someone love you

metrovelvet

You have to accept it. This is what she wants. If you love her, think of this as doing something which will make her happy, let her go. It doesnt mean you will stop loving her, you may never, but you will be able to move through the day without being tortured by your own thoughts.

Gemini Sister

It happened to me too. It does fade away and you will feel good again and you will fall in love again probably even more deeply. It just takes loads of time. You really can't contact her again. Every time you contact her you're opening the wound. You have to leave it alone to heal.

Remember this is worst part of winter as well. Everything is depressing. Go on holidays or travelling. Get in to fitness. You need to replace what you've lost with a new regime that has no memories of your ex. You have to be tough with yourself.

bigpinkelephant

This happened with me when my first boyfriend broke up with me.
Couldn't stop thinking about him, thought I would never meet anyone else.

The only thing that cures it is time. Believe me, the pain will fade. Look after yourself x

Clare Bear

If only you could fast forward on to a year from now, you would see that it does get easier. Unfortunately most people have to go through this pain when they lose the person they love. Don't be afraid to cry, talk to friends. If you can't talk to them talk to anyone you can talk to. A counsellor if needs be. There is nothing to be ashamed about in getting help like that. It is a horrible place to be where you are now but you will in time love again. Even if you think you'll never meet anyone like her again you will and that person will be ten times better for you than she was. Most of us have been there, you're not alone in how you're feeling. My friend sent me the lyrics for Garth Brooks Unanswered prayers when I was dumped a few years ago. At the time I thought it was naff (suppose it still is, it's Garth Brooks afterall!) but looking back now the words really hit home with me. What's for you won't pass you. Her cutting contact with you is for your own good even if it hurts you. Take care of yourself, you have a tough road ahead of you but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Take up new hobbies. Anything at all that you're remotely interested in that has nothing to do with her. You'll meet new people have it will take your mind off of everything. All the best.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately it takes a long time to get over a serious love. But it does get easier as time goes on.

The worst thing you could do is cling to the hope that someday she'll come to her sense and come back to you because the chances are that's not going to happen and you'll juts destroy yourself believing that.

You have to accept that it's over. Take what you've learned from the relationship and move on. Hopefully in the future you'll be able to look back and see the good things from it without feeling bitter about it ending.

And you know what? You're better for having your heart broken. I firmly believe everyone should have their heart broken at least once in their life as it makes them stronger and better able to cope with things and therefore a better partner for the real love of your life who will come along at some stage.

Until then stay strong, spend time with your friends and try to keep yourself busy. I won't lie - it's a long road but you do eventually get through it.

Good luck.

Yakult

Personally I dont think you can ever forget a loved one. You can let them go but they always seem to be there in the back of your head. I couldnt agree more with Metrovelvet, if you love her (which you did) think of it as doing something for her. When I broke up with my gf thats what got me thru. I always said from day one to her, if shes happy, Im happy. it mightent seem that way now but trust me, a year or two later you will feel much better. Time heals.

pfishfood

You need to forget her and move on, the drinking is probably not helping. What you should do is probably try doing an evening course, social club, sports club, join a gym or what worked for me when i split with my gf and was in a similar situation was get a part time job somewhere busy e.g. bar, nite club supermarket. youll be too tired to think about her (not to mention itll sort the sleeping problem) and youll be guarenteed to meet new friends. Worked for me:)

Aurora Borealis

I've been there too and thought my life would never make me happy again. It takes time. I'm not saying it'll disappear for good or today or tomorrow but all you can do is ride the storm and try and look after yourself physically, mentally and emotionally as much as you can. Partying to forget though I've done it too does not help you in the long-run. Lean on your friends, I should have more but was uncomfortable talking about a lot of things and there were mutual friends in question too so didn't want to get them involved.

It's normal to feel how you're feeling when you lose someone you truly loved and it sucks to really love someone and have their feelings for you change but it happens and I truly believe that if something is meant to be no matter life throws at you it'll happen or equally not happen if it's not for you.

Go out, get away, watch movies, find new music, read some books you've always wanted to read... Basically do the things you've always been meaning to but for one reason or another couldn't. This is your time and use it to try and find yourself again and happiness on your own terms.

HalloweenJack

It happened to me recently too but the thing is to just get on with your life. I lost four months of my life pining over a girl I couldn't have. The relationship was over, the feelings were gone on her side but I couldn't accept it and it drove me mad. Now, I wish I had just got on with my life.

That's my only advice: get on with your life. Find ways to occupy your day and do things that make you happy. Slowly but surely, she'll fade away and you'll feel better.

On the contact part, it's better that she doesn't contact you. In my situation, the girl would text me every now and again and this would just set me back each time. If you are going to get on with your life, you can't get in touch with her.

You have to accept that it's over. I know that's a hard thing to do but you have to do it. Just remind yourself first thing in the morning and repeat it every time you start to pine for her.

On the social side, you won't meet anyone if you don't put yourself out there. It is hard at first but you have got to make the effort to meet new people and a new girl. You have to see this as an opportunity to meet some new people instead of just worrying about the one you've lost.

Also, I would stop drinking before you go to sleep. You don't need drink to get to sleep, just read or watch telly, eventually your brain will switch off.

The thing you have to do is talk to your friends about your problem. It will help. I wish I had talked to my friends at the time cos when I eventually did they were there for me and your friends will be there for you.

Good luck.

wylo

Op, people may disagree but losing someone you love is almost as close as the feeling of a death of a friend or family. But the only thing you can do is wait, wait and wait again. Dont try and keep in contact, youll only end up trying to constantly figure out things in your head...

whats she thinking? what did she mean when she said that? did she kiss that guy to make me jealous?maybe she still loves me, does she love me but is trying to resist it? I wonder how often shes thinking of me? Is she trying to impress me I wonder but doesnt want to let on she is?

or the one I thought for a long long time..."does she not talk to me about other girls(for me) or other guys(for her) because she still has feelings for me?"

I know now the only thing that will make you happy is being with her but Im sorry thats not what she is thinking, she is thinking "I want to be free, I do not love him."

unhappycamper

I am in a very similar situation OP.

My relationship lasted just under 3 years like yours. I found this christmas a lonely time without her but I hung out with friends as much as possible. I find blanking her out of my head is the only way to sleep at night. I never taught when I was going out with her that one of us would fall out of love altogether and just leave the entire relationship. It is a lesson I will never forget and as Wibbs mentioned in an earlier post feeding love into a long term relationship is the key to making it last. Deep down I know it was for this reason I lost her. Never again will I say to myself 'we are together so no matter what it will stay this way'. I seen the signs I heard her words but I sat back putting other things first. That girl met somebody else and though I am left with many unanswered questions and a feeling of loss and bitterness it is not my problem anymore. She has every right to move on as quick as she likes. So there you go, it hurts really bad to lose someone you love but as posted above be patient and give yourself time to heal. I like you often wish that she would come back to me but without even a christmas text or call I know now it is over. Acceptance is a huge thing to get your head around. Questions arise all the time but I also ask you to please remember it is not your fault or hers that her feelings have changed. Love can seem like it is solid concrete when just as you least want to hear it you realize it is liquified. Going to the gym and building yourself up is an option you might consider, I did that as opposed to hitting the bottle. Best of luck OP and remember you are not a loser just the person on the wrong end of the split. Best of luck OP.

SW81

unhappycamper wrote: »

I am in a very similar situation OP.

My relationship lasted just under 3 years like yours. I found this christmas a lonely time without her but I hung out with friends as much as possible. I find blanking her out of my head is the only way to sleep at night. I never taught when I was going out with her that one of us would fall out of love altogether and just leave the entire relationship. It is a lesson I will never forget and as Wibbs mentioned in an earlier post feeding love into a long term relationship is the key to making it last. Deep down I know it was for this reason I lost her. Never again will I say to myself 'we are together so no matter what it will stay this way'. I seen the signs I heard her words but I sat back putting other things first. That girl met somebody else and though I am left with many unanswered questions and a feeling of loss and bitterness it is not my problem anymore. She has every right to move on as quick as she likes. So there you go, it hurts really bad to lose someone you love but as posted above be patient and give yourself time to heal. I like you often wish that she would come back to me but without even a christmas text or call I know now it is over. Acceptance is a huge thing to get your head around. Questions arise all the time but I also ask you to please remember it is not your fault or hers that her feelings have changed. Love can seem like it is solid concrete when just as you least want to hear it you realize it is liquified. Going to the gym and building yourself up is an option you might consider, I did that as opposed to hitting the bottle. Best of luck OP and remember you are not a loser just the person on the wrong end of the split. Best of luck OP.

That's really hit home with me. We should never take our partners for granted, they don't necessarily stick around forever. Thank you for your post, very well put.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about your situation! Seems pretty sh*tty, but unfortunately its something we all (well most of us) have to go through at some stage or another. I heard a woman on tv say the other night; "heartbreak is lifes way of teaching you a lesson!", there's truth to that I suppose.

I've recently had a sort of similar situation to yourself, I'm 6 months or so distant from a 'breakup' of sorts, but it was me who decided to cut contact after I was basically being messed about. Still, I guess, I was so wound up in her and she had me so wound around her finger that I pinned for her and it hurt like hell, waisted my summer feeling bitter and sorry with myself. I looked for help here and I was told (although at the time I didnt want to hear it) that 'it'll get better in time!', christ, that made me so mad, didnt need to hear that then, but, looking back now, its the truth, and given time, you'll see that too.

After a couple of months I believed I could talk to her again, thought I was ok and could handle it, chatted to her and bang! I was right back at stage one!! Should never have chatted, and I regret it now, it set me back. Thats why no contact is good, even if you think you can handle it, you need a long long time to get over this!

A vid on youtube really helped me, gave me some perspective and a little insight, give it a look, might be of some little help to you, its called 'The Laws of Nature - Healing a Broken Heart' by 'chriswalkeronline'.

Stay strong ol' boy!

ThunderCat

You are not alone in this OP, i think nearly us all have been in the same situation at one time or another. At the moment you prob feel like you are the only person ever to experience this level of hurt, but just look around you, nearly everyone you see has had this happen to them too but life goes on and people bounce back and you will too. It will take a lot of time but eventually it will happen. Its very important you stay active and dont let it get on top of your everyday activities. Keep your friends close to you. At the moment, you may not want to do much with them but its very important to have them all the same. You WILL meet the right person for you. Who's knows, maybe you already have but a lot of it is down to timing.
Whats meant to be, will be.
All the very best.

LegacyUser

Hi,

OP here again. Thanks very much for all your input. I really do appreciate it. I'm getting ready for New Years night now and all I can think about is the plans me and her had together and I know she's going to a big party tonight and I feel this horrible sickness in the pit of my stomach. There'll be loads of guys and girls and drinking into the small hours of the morning.

I'm praying to god I hear from her tonight. Just to know she still thinks about me or that she cares. I'm fairly sure I wont get a happy new year message off her as she'll be having lots of fun and trying to forget me, but I really hope I do hear from her.

I'm getting better day by day, trying to learn to accept this, but I'm still no where near real acceptance. I think I'm more preparing myself for knowing it's over than actually acknowleding it's over.

It just really hurts that she wont listen to what I have to say, wont give me the chance to talk. I never thought it would end like this, that one person would walk away and not give the other person a chance. I thought we loved eachother.

You don't do that to someone you love.

I got complacent towards the end and took her for granted. I think I really hurt her and now she wants to move on. But I came back to try and fix the hurt I caused and she wouldn't listen to me. I didn't do anything intentional, I never cheated on her, I never talked to her in any way other than to be nice to her, but I just got into a bad place for the last couple of months we were together and I think she had enough.

It's like when I needed her the most, she wasn't there. That's what hurts. I stil really need her and have learned from my mistakes, I would never let a day go by without telling her I love her if she came back, and I truly mean that.

I'm not going to contact her anyway, I think there's a 5% chance she may consider coming back. I can't let myself let go of that chance. I'm sad and pathetic and I don't care. I don't care how much torture and pain I put myself through to get her back, because if I do get her back it will have been worth every miserable second of the last 5 or 6 weeks of my life. Every second will have been worth it.

I'm too emotional still. I want to go out and have a good night tonight but I know I'll be thinking about her and what she's doing all night and wondering if she thinks about me.

I can't drink too much as I don't think I'd contact her anyway, as I know I've got one last shot at that to try and meet up so I've got to time it right and say the right things - no amount of drink will make me throw that away. But I don't want to get upset tonight.

I just wish I could turn back the clock only a few weeks. I made her so happy, I really did, she loved me with all her heart and sole and I managed to crush it and push her away. I just would do anything for a chance to put that right. She is trying to forget the good guy I was, focus on the bad towards the end. I was just scared and confused about the relationship and where I was going in life but I figured things out too late. She was already gone.

Isn't there anybody out there somewhere who can help me put this right?? I don't want to get over her, I don't want this pain to end and to move on, I just wamt her, and writing this has made me break down in tears. I just hope she texts me tonight. I just want that shred of hope to still exist in the morning. Please.

LegacyUser

I went through the same thing as the OP on Christmas day 3 years ago, after christmas dinner my then gf decided to tell me we were finished.. I thought it was the end of me, could not eat, sleep, didnt even talk for 2 weeks.
All I could think about was getting back with her, what did I do wrong. We were due to move into new house. She was picking out new furniture for it a week before christmas. Turned out that she was seeing a fella she worked with behind my back.
So OP I do know what it feels like, i even thought I would be better off dead.
But thank god i got over it, it does take alot of time. I only started healing when I started talking to someone (my sister), i don't know would i be around today if i didnt.
My biggest fear was never fiinding anyone again and would I ever trust them if i did. I have found someone and she is 1000 times better than my ex ever was. We are together 1 & 1/2 years now and going strong.
So my biggest piece of advice to OP is to talk with someone, anyone, it really does help and then the healing can start. Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

Know how you feel OP.

Made a total disaster of my own relationship with a girl I could be engaged to now if I'd done things differently.

I'm a strong guy, tough as boots on the outside, powerful job ....and I cry like a baby over missing her.

We were together for years, own a place together, I chased her for one date for a stupid amount of time, finally got her and fell so deeply in love.

Then we were forced to spend time apart and as time went by I made one mistake and it went bad on my part from there, she did some things too to knock me down but nothing like how much I messed it up.

Now all we talk about it mortgages and money and the things I did that ruined things. If you even don't have that type of thing to worry about with her, that's a plus.

I can't really offer advice, I can just say I'm going through the exact same pain as you now. I could probably chase her, beg her, try to prove I'll be a better person but the trust is gone, I'm a bastard to her family..her friends and most importantly, her. I've lost the respect and friendship of many people caught up in the middle of it all and I don't know if that stuff makes you feel worse or makes me focus more on how stupid I was to mess it all up but that hurts too. You rely more on your mates in times like this, in fact, it shows you that you take them for granted sometimes.

The only way to say what you have to say to her is to put it on paper. Write her a letter, tell her you love her, tell her she's the only woman you want to have babies with (if you were at that kind of stage, if not scratch that one!), just be honest... yeh there's a good chance she'll burn it but I know if I wrote a letter to my ex she'd read it, keep it and then think with her head. But it's the only way you can get in touch with someone who really won't listen to you.

Don't drink, it's a depressant, it'll make you worse - particularly the next day.

Us men are pretty thick when it comes to the good things in life, the things that are good for us and the people that care for us the most. You're not the first and you won't be the last to f*ck up. I'll probably be in the queue ahead of you.

thusspakeblixa

Hey OP
About a year ago I was in a similar situation. I couldn't sleep properly for ages thinking of what I'd lost.
Anyway, just thought I'd let you know that I've come out the other side now, I'm better and happier than ever, I know it seems like its a huge thing (and believe me, I know it is) but in time it just sort of... fades...
I can't explain it, but after a few months I just felt nothing for her, and now I can talk to her in a way that isn't romantic.
Anyway, hope this all works out, a happy new year to you.

LegacyUser

OP, When I broke up with my last ex it hurt like hell. I felt like I did nothing but miss him for months. Even when I felt briefly happy, there was some part of me that felt empty or missing. I had lost a part of myself because I didn't have him anymore; no one understood me like him. And that's because I really, really loved him. I kept a journal, just to write down the pain and make it real, so that I didn't feel I was going crazy. I wanted him back so badly, I was convinced we could work, if only he could see it.

It has taken me more than a year to feel normal again. It might not sound possible to ever feel ok without your ex right now, but one day you will. Like any form of grief, time heals. A cliche, but a truth. And it's only now that I can in some way make sense of it. To keep reminding myself that I should never have to try to convince someone to love me, they should want me as much as I do them, and I deserve that. I'm really sorry you're hurting right now, but take some space, try and give your heart a chance to heal. This is just something you have to live through, there's no way to get around it. Take care, things will eventually get better.

LegacyUser

Have a read of this thread OP

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=269323

Im the OP and to be honest Im still not 100% right and Christmas is always tough but it gets, I think 'easier" is the wrong word? It gets more 'numb' and less constantly there.

Best of luck.