don't know how to deal with insecurities

LegacyUser

I've just been feeling really down lately, mostly due to insecurities that i've had for a very long time. I'm a 19 year old girl and i just feel so unbelievably insecure all the time that i'm wondering if i'll ever be happy with myself. i've always been fairly shy, but lately since i started college its gotten ten times worse because i feel like i'm surrounded by people who are far cooler, more interesting, more intelligent and betterlooking than me, and it makes me feel like **** tbh.

I'm a fairly plain-looking girl, and I don't mean that to sound self-pitying because I really don't mean it like that - I've never really been that bothered about my looks before - but it'd be a lie to say I'm pretty. it shouldn't matter so much, but lately its all i can think of. I cant stop comparing myself to every girl i see, measuring how much more attractive she is than me and why, and it becomes even worse when i'm with my group of friends, who are all, as luck would have it, really goodlooking girls. For example, one of my best friends is also unbelievably pretty, and understandably gets a lot of attention whenever we go out, not necessarily just because she's goodlooking but also because she's really funny and outgoing too. I never usually minded all that much, but lately it just feels like i'm never going to find anyone who'll find ME attractive rather than her. Of course I am jealous, quite a bit, and i hate feeling this way because its not as if i resent her for anything - she's a fantastic girl and quite honestly deserves a lot of attention, but it's more of a "i just want this for myself too" thing, and its just not going to happen. i try to dress well and take care of myself, and i'd be fairly friendly but i find it really hard to talk to people without second-guessing everything i'm saying, and i think that really ruins things for me even if they are going well in the first place. basically its a vicious circle - i'm insecure so i can't meet anyone and because i can't meet anyone i become even more insecure.

Its gotten to the stage where im beginning to really dislike myself, not only in terms of appearance, but personality-wise too. I don't like who i'm becoming, i don't want to be needy and insecure and desperate, but i just don't know how to stop thinking like this! any advice would be appreciated, mostly in dealing with these kinds of feelings and how to stop thinking this way, although i'm aware that a simple kick up the arse might be what's sorely needed.

Das Kitty

I was like this at your age too (well a couple of years before). The "self" became over inflated and I was obsessed with how everything related to me and how I was viewed. What I didn't realise was that I was mildly depressed which is why I was unable to get perspective.

All I can say is that I guarantee that all of those supposedly "cooler" and "prettier" people have the same hang ups as yourself. You need to get to know their personalities to judge what they're like. Appearances mean absolutely nothing.

LegacyUser

Okay. I've been there and done that, and there are a few things I realised along the way (and it's not that long ago either.)
I always wanted to be like my friend aswell. Be lucky enough to have a boyfriend and get a lot of attention.Firstly you've doing the right thing in going out and socialising. What you have to realise is that talking to people - as in, strangers- if it doesn't come easy to you, then you've got to practice it more. There are certain things you can always ask in a conversation with someone new. Try and find something in common with the person.Ask where they work/what they are doing in college/where they live.Maybe what they're interested in, if the conversation is going that way. How they know someone else in the room that you know too. And more importantly, listen to what they're saying.Almost always, they will just be asking you the exact same questions. Small talk is boring and standard, but the most important thing is to listen to the other person and be interested. And you will always second guess yourself a little bit, but it gets easier the more you do it, and eventually will come to you quite naturally.
Secondly we are our own worse critics. I'm still comparing myself to people and thinking aout how much cooler/prettier/confident they are than me.Even my younger sisters.
But they all have their insecurities too, believe me, and some of them may be far bigger than yours. You kind of grow into your skin eventually. Just be yourself, and accept that you're not necessarily going to be the exact same as your friends..wear the same clothes, speak the same, etc. Just wear what you're comfortable with and be yourself. You will always compare yourself aswell, but be comfortable with you are.Your friend may get a lot of attention, but there will be people interested in you because you're not her. That kind of person doesn't suit everyone.
Finally, relax. When you least expect it, you'll find someone. The more pressure you put on yourself, the harder it becomes, and (I hate to say it), the more desperate you become. Don't constantly think about things, just give yourself a chance to enjoy college and have fun.Someone will find you, and like you for who you are, not for your clothes!

LegacyUser

I was the exact same way as you when I was 19. I absolutely detested myself and felt ugly and awkward around so many people. I used to look at my friends and think they had it so easy, and that they were so much better looking than me. I know you say you're not pretty but I guarantee you that you're much better looking than you give yourself credit for. Even just being a cheery and smiley person makes you so much more attractive, even if you are 'average' looking and I guarantee there are lots of guys out there who'd like you.

After time these thoughts do go away, with a bit of determination. We can be so utterly cruel about ourselves, in a way that we'd never speak to another person. Just recognise your negative thoughts for what they are and realise that no one else is looking at you with the same negative eye.

I found that by stopping myself from saying, ooh I'm so ugly or oh I feel fat, and by looking at the positive things in myself, and how I can improve what I don't like, I started to feel better about myself. Now if I get insecure I talk myself out of it, stop the negative thoughts in their tracks.

I'm now 26 with a lovely boyfriend and much better self-esteem. I still sometimes get insecure and wonder what he sees in me (on those bad pmt days!), but these are fleeting thoughts that most people get. Stay positive and I guarantee this will pass! Good luck!