Irate ex-husband

LegacyUser · 23-12-2008 12:55am #1

My ex husband has threatened to murder me this evening....I left him after 12 years of aggression, violence and constant negative energy. We have two children. I am in the family home with the children.

We have tried mediation - his temper didn't allow him to see it through - he had to keep leaving the building due to his anger/temper. We have been in and out of the district court. He pays maintenance now since the court order and he must pay it through the court. That is not an issue. The problem is access. Our solicitors agreed one evening and every second Saturday morning. It is of course up to the children if they wish to go to him. At the start they were frightened and chose not to, when they were brave enough and said they would, because they felt they should, they asked my family to pray for them while they were with him and they made sure they had credit on the phone they brought with them...it was heart breaking to see them go with him and it was only for a few hours....

this man does not understand parenting and I feel he never will. It is so sad that my kids have a father but not a Dad...they have a very angry parent who spends the access time running me down to them and does not talk to them about them - he does not know what class they are in at school or their friends names...he does not know what bookes htey like to read or what their favourite TV programmes are at the moment.

He recently has been telling the younger child that he can visit his place anytime and stay over whenever he wants. This really has the child all excited because he sees the man as a superhero - he is somebody who does not conform to the rules of society and laughs in the face of authority - and he passes on these values or lack of to my younger child...I have had to work so hard this last year coping with everything that needed to be sorted follwing the separation and getting the children settled again and feeling secure with just a Mom to live with but being content with that. I have had to teach manners, respect etc to them especially the little one who Dad has had such a huge effect on - and there has been great progress and school and family and neighbours have all noticed the big improvement and the child himself has been so much happier as a result of his own contentment.

That is now changing so quickly due to the recent influence of the visits to the Dad. It is as if I am back to square one and those few hours he spends with him each week have far more influence that I have with all my hard work for the rest of the week.

Now, to explain the rage this evening, I can't....I was so used to it - I lived with it for years and began to see it as the norm until one day it got so bad that I woke up and thought NO MORE. He phoned to change the visiting evening from Wednesday to tomorrow to suit him because he will be going away. I agreed. It means I have to change lots of plans for xmas food shopping etc but I never mentioned it. I said to him that he is not to be saying to the young child about staying over etc becuse he has the head all over the place on him and it can't happen anyway. Phone call ended.

But he phoned back a half an hour later like a man possessed and called me all the names unde the sun and then told me he would get me this time and he would f***ing murder me. I just put down the phone. I was shaking and after a minute or two rang the guards who know him from previous anger outbursts where we were practically kept in the house under siege until they got him to leave.

I must add, he has another partner and has had several since the separation that i know of. I do not have anybody and just want to live a normal violence free life with my kids...where does it end though...what can be done?

sorry for rambling..it has been a terrible evening and I just wanted to put it all down on here and then I thought some background might help explain things too. Thanks for reading.

Nevyn · 23-12-2008 1:27am

Go and get a safety order for your self and the children, do not let this go.

Steyr · 23-12-2008 1:36am

what next? wrote: »

My ex husband has threatened to murder me this evening.....

REPORT HIM IMMEDIATELY TO AN GARDA SIOCHANA, This will be taken EXTREMELY SERIOUSLY by An Garda Siochana indeed.

LegacyUser · 23-12-2008 1:45am

hi there,

I am quite confused by the different types of orders. Apparently I should have got a barring order on him before he left the house - it is too late now.

Can somebody explain a safety order please. I have been to the guards before and they told me to get a barring order and yes I would definitely get one etc but my solicitor says I won't....I was so disappointed - this has happened a few times and apparently the time is too long...

If I can get a safety order - what does it mean? How do I get it and how does it protect me and the kids? Does this mean that there will no longer be access?

What I thought was the right thing to do was have supervised access but my solicitor days that unless I can organise it then there is no point...I don't know how to organise it...I would pay for it from the few quid maintenance if I thought it would solve everything....

The guards are great but they told me tonight if I wnat to go and make a statement about tonight's threat then I can. But my solicitor says they don't always understnad the law too well and can misadvise me - they have had my hopes up before to get a barring order only to be very disappointed. I must sleep tonight, get up tomorrow and pretend everything is okay for the kids. I will go to work in the morning and give my pupils a xmas party and smile and laugh but the tears roll down my face now as I write this....

Nevyn · 23-12-2008 4:50am

http://www.womensaid.ie/pages/services/legal.htm

What Legal Protection is Available and How to Avail of it
How do I get Protection?
If you are being subjected to violence in your own home, you can avail of legal protection through the courts. There are a number of different orders available, which are listed below. Women's Aid advises any woman wishing to avail of legal options to go to a family law solicitor or to an advice and information service. In order to avail of any of the orders listed below, you must go to your local District Court to make an application. You do not need a solicitor at the application stage.
What Protection is Available?
There are two different orders for which you can apply at the District Court which will provide you with protection.

1. A Barring Order requires that the violent person leave the family home. It also prohibits the violent person from using or threatening to use violence against you and/or any dependent children. The court can direct the respondent not to attend at or in the vicinity of, or watch the place where the applicant and dependents reside. This order can be granted for up to 3 years in the District Court.
2. A Safety Order prohibits the abuser from further violence or threats of violence. It does not oblige the violent person to leave the family home. If the abusive person does not live with you, the Safety Order prohibits them from being in the vicinity of or watching your home. This order can be granted for up to 5 years in the District Court.

When your application for either of the above orders has been accepted by the court, you will be given a date for a court hearing. The waiting time varies in different parts of the country, but six weeks is the average waiting time. While you are waiting for your court hearing, the court protects you with an order which lasts only until the date of the hearing.
There are two ways the court can protect you while you wait for your hearing:

1. Protection Order
2. Interim Barring Order

The Protection Order can be granted if the court thinks there are reasonable grounds to believe the safety and welfare of the applicant is at risk. The Protection Order has the same effect as the Safety Order, (but is only valid until the court hearing for the Safety/Barring Order takes place) whereby, the abusive person is prohibited from further violence or threats of violence, but is not required to leave the home.

If the court is of the view that a Protection Order would not be sufficient to protect you while you wait for your court date, then an Interim Barring Orderis granted. The granting of an Interim Barring Order is based on the opinion of the court that there are reasonable grounds for believing that there is an immediate risk of significant harm to you. The Interim Barring Order can be granted 'viva voce and on oath' and written evidence is not necessarily required. It is a temporary barring order (requiring the violent person to leave the home) which lasts until the full hearing for the barring order, but can last no longer than 8 working days. The orders are made on an ex parte basis (only one side is represented at the application).

Carrigart Exile · 23-12-2008 5:16am

His threats of violence are completely out of order and it must be made clear to him by the authorities that they will no longer be tolerated.

I am struggling a little bit with your original comment, in that the children were terrified of being with him and prayers were getting said to then find out the youngest child is so excited about seeing him and the thought of daddy coming home??

And, just for a bit of perspective where his anger may now be coming from, you have his house, his kids and he gets to see them two afternoons a week and on top of it he has to pay you for the privilege. I am not criticising OP just trying to be in his shoes and understand the frustration.

Croc · 23-12-2008 7:05am

Just to add to what Thaedydal says above, one of the main benifts of Barring\Protection orders is power of arrest, if he breeches the order by doing something which in itself might not give the gardai a power of arrest normally but is a breech of the order say threating putting you in fear then there is an automatic power of arrest and believe you me he WILL BE ARRESTED.

the glass woman · 23-12-2008 8:34am

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

His threats of violence are completely out of order and it must be made clear to him by the authorities that they will no longer be tolerated.

I am struggling a little bit with your original comment, in that the children were terrified of being with him and prayers were getting said to then find out the youngest child is so excited about seeing him and the thought of daddy coming home??

And, just for a bit of perspective where his anger may now be coming from, you have his house, his kids and he gets to see them two afternoons a week and on top of it he has to pay you for the privilege. I am not criticising OP just trying to be in his shoes and understand the frustration.

Well kids are easily manipulated and you don't know what sort of brain washing goes on behind closed doors.. He could easily promise them the world to get them on side.. As for his anger and frustration..this sounds like it is deeper than what you've suggested, esp as he has no real interest in the children or their lives.. I had the same sort of father OP, I would act now if i were you and stop any damage he is doing to your children, and yourself. You don't need to put up with this. I would also question your solicitor..

LegacyUser · 23-12-2008 8:40am

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

His threats of violence are completely out of order and it must be made clear to him by the authorities that they will no longer be tolerated.

I am struggling a little bit with your original comment, in that the children were terrified of being with him and prayers were getting said to then find out the youngest child is so excited about seeing him and the thought of daddy coming home??

And, just for a bit of perspective where his anger may now be coming from, you have his house, his kids and he gets to see them two afternoons a week and on top of it he has to pay you for the privilege. I am not criticising OP just trying to be in his shoes and understand the frustration.

it is difficult to put all the background into a small piece of text, I am sorry. The kids were frightened out of their minds when they decided to "see" him earlier in the Spring but they did and the time was spent going to the same activity each week and they went through the motions until after a few weeks he started to threaten me again and the guards were needed and it was to be left until the court made a decision.

The court didn't make a decision because our solicitors came to a decision which meant a much shorter visit on a week evening and every second Saturday morning. When this was decided a few months ago, I told the children about the arrangement and told them they could go if they wanted but it was completely up to them.

They decided not to go and I would text him before each "time" to say they had decided not to go this time but might the next time. Then after one of these texts, he replied saying why not and a load of abuse so I told the kids that he really wanted to see them. The oldest refused flatly to see him aand the younger one was frightened to go on his own but said he would the following week.

Off he went and had a great time when he spent his 2 hours with Dad on Dad's new Wii. We don't have one and this was a huge novelty for him. This has happened for 4 weeks now and the older child went with him on one accasion out of curiosity but no longer wished to. The younger child is happy to go along on his own now to play and thinks it is great. All the chores of the day are done, dinner, homework etc and the few hours are just spent playing anf hte young child being quizzed about me and my life - which is very normal, work, housework and regular chores.

It may seem like my ex husband is paying to see his children but maintenance and access are two separate issues entirely. He has only paid it since the court ordered him to do so. It is a small amount towards food etc for his children. I pay a very large mortgage and all bills etc on the house which has little or no equity. It is a great struggel for me to make ends meet but such is life and I accept that I am happy to pay the bills and don't expect to have dusposable income. This will be my children's house when I am gone. I am a little upset by your comments but maybe you are just trying to see the man's side. Of course it is not possible to put all the details on here because there is so much already I would not like fellow boardsies to recognise me... I am trying to live a "normal" life for me and my kids and work hard to keep the home fires burning. I know that they have a father and I don't know when or how they will ever be anything "normal" in their lives with regard to access and seeing their Dad due to huge anger issues he has. I do not want to become another statistic....

Magicmatilda · 23-12-2008 2:44pm

Has their father ever threatened the kids?

It must be very difficult to rebuild you life after what sounds like an abusive relationship and obviousely your ex husband has anger issues. has he ever tried to deal with these? You are right to report these instances to the gardai and seek a protection order or whatever it is called. However i would say that you sound a bit resentful of the time the youngest spends with his father. As though the father gets to have all the fun and you do all the work. Well that is the way it is and that is what you agreed to. Also remember he does not get to see the little things that you get to see. Like when your child learns to spell a new word or even the bedtime story routine. He may be resentful of that. Although obviousely he is dealing with that in a totally inappropriate manner.Of course your ex will spend his time playing on the Wii with his son, his son enjoys that, they get to bond. I am not saying your ex is right in his actions, he is not but just putting forward why he might be acting like this. Of course if he is not willing to acknowledge his issues then it doesn't really make a difference what the issues are.

themadchef · 23-12-2008 4:37pm

No one can make this decision for you OP.
Go to your solicitor, explain about the violence. Usually, the safety order is granted first afaik, its very difficult to get an outright barring order.

Personally, it took me a hell of a long time to apply for the safety order because i never really believed my ex when he said he'd kill me. I always put it down to drink. Then, one morning after a mega session he looked me in the eye and told me the only problem he had was how was he going to chop me up. Without going into too much detail, I'm basically saying to you... only you can apply for this order.
I found it difficult recounting everything that happened to the judge, it was very emotional going through it. He is not present for the safety order hearing but will be present for the barring order hearing that will follow.

It's Christmas, there are probably a hundred reasons why he's acting the way he's acting but not one of those excuses excuse his behaviour.

This is going to sound harsh, it took a good friend to say it to me "stop playing the victim" be proactive, get a hold of your life and say you know what, i don't deserve this sh1t. Sort it out legally. Do not be bullied. Your children deserve better even if for some reason you feel you don't.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser · 23-12-2008 5:39pm

Big thanks to Machef for sharing that..

It is very hard for people to empathise unless they have been through something similar...

To answer a few queries above...

He has beaten the kids and threatened them several times but that was when he lived here - he has gone so far as to tell them he wished they had never been born...

I have been in touch with the gardai and my solicitor....Now, I must give my statement to the gardai and start the paperwork for a safety order.... I must leave it to my solicitor to have any contact with im from now on.....and when I get back to court we will see what the judge advises when he hears the latest....

It is very hard to smile....very hard to muster up festive spirit but I know I must......

thanks again for all the above support and advice

themadchef · 23-12-2008 8:22pm

If ever you need to talk OP, feel free to PM. You're not alone in this.
Enjoy Christmas with your kids, and try not to over think it. The last thing your kids need is you getting depressed or sick with worry.

It's all about the kids at the end of the day.

MojoMaker · 23-12-2008 10:38pm

How much is he paying to you each month for maintenance?

LegacyUser · 24-12-2008 4:05am

the mad chef, is it a barring order or a protection order that you need first? I was ten and remember the solicitor saying it was a very serous case indeed...

themadchef · 24-12-2008 2:07pm

Really depends on your situation. I got a protection order. I'm pretty sure if there was a beating you could go straight for the barring order.

My husband does not live with me. He does however come here to stay every now and then to be with his children. He is a great dad. I would never put him down in that respect. Drink takes over and things turn to sh1t when he's here. I am not some one that suffers fools easily. It takes two to tango and i do let rip verbally, im far from a saint. I could have put up with alot of sh1t but he done something in front of the kids that no parent would want to see.

The protection order will not stop him coming to the house. But, it gives me a certain peace of mind. It basically gives the guards power of arrest if i feel threatened i can call them. Will he follow through on his threats? will they get here in time if he tries? I really doubt if the man truly wants to kill me they will. I havent seen or heard from him since he left. He was served with the protection order shortly after. He is coming down to spend Christmas with his childern, but, his father is coming with him. This gives me some sense of security tonight. Would i ask him to stay away? no, never. Our childern come before either of us. We can be civil, as long as he's sober things are fine.

It's not something to take lightly. It is very serious. I had thought about it for over a year but my ex never stepped out of line in front of witnesses before. I never went for it because i was afraid I woulding get it.

I applied for it after something happened (not a beating or any thing like that) that was never really the case in our marriage, though there were singular instances of violence.

At the hearing for the protection order you are given adate for the full barring order hearing. I imagine he wont try to fight it. TBH all i really want is him to get treatment for his alcoholism. I hate the thought of stopping him coming to his lawful home, hate the thought of the kids missing out on them being with their dad. I had to do this, no choice in the end. I feel it may just be the push he needs to get himself help. I will see him tonight for the first time since the order was granted. We have had no contact since as reccomended by his doctor.

I done it for my kids. I should have done it for me too, but i always thought i could handle it. Go to your solicitor make sure they specialise in family law. Dont feel ashamed or embarassed. You cant control other peolpes actions but are the only one who can control what your children see as being acceptible behaviour.

I dont really want to go into too much detail, there's so much more to everyones story. As i said feel free to PM. It's Christmas, no courts. Do your best to put it to the back of your head and enjoy it. No one knows if we're ever going to get another Christmas...any of us. Live for now!

yellowcurl · 27-12-2008 12:49am

My heart goes out to you. Please do all you can to protect yourself.

Irate ex-husband

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